If you use to lie what motivated you to stop and get honest? How did you do it? What can a spouse do to encourage honesty? What can a spouse do to avoid encouraging lies? What is the best way to handle it when you know your spouse is lying, you have proof, yet they still sticck to the lie? How can you not let the fact that the one you love won't stop lying to you not eat you up inside?

Dear Stormy Dakota,

MB recommends Radical Honesty. I personally try to follow RH by avoiding doing things about which I would be tempted to keep secret from my partner.

The important question, is how can you keep your sanity and deal with a liar?

Another question is how can you predict the lies of H, and know what he means, even when he lies?

More important, is what do you want H to change? What is he lying about? Seeing another woman? Would it make you feel bvetter if he told you the truth about seeing anotehr woman?

People have a natural instinct to be considerate of others, and be untruthful for being considerate.

It is sinful to bear false witness. Is H bearing false witness? How? Is he deliberately trying to get someone in trouble? Or is he just getting some extra fun and support outside the house?

How can you give him more fun and support inside the house?

I would suggest you focus on what you really want, rather than catching H in lies.

The most difficult liar is the fearful person who tells artfully clever confabulations which are very difficult to see through. Confronting H's lies is not supprtive. If H is asking for more support and you are giving him less suport, you are part of a downward spiral.

Ideas? Details?

Hi SD,
Wow, this is really me. I'm a 3, seems we're born to lie. It's very easy for me. I can slip into a character at will... I always considered it a skill <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />, really handy in the corporate world.

Enneagram 3

Reading about deceitful 3's in the Enneagram really brought it to my attention. I never considered it an issue; I assumed everyone was like that (only I knew I was pretty good at it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />).

So I'd say awareness had a lot to do with reforming. I could hardly stand there demanding complete honesty from my H if I was going to be deceitful myself. Started thinking about God more as I got older, so that plays into it, too. If I come up with more, I'll let you know. Please take care - Dru

Thanks, and you are right we have a lot more problems in our marriage than just the lies. They are just a symptom of bigger problems. I just feel like if he would start being more honest in general then we could really work on some of our bigger problems. How do you work on a problem when you do not even admit the problems are there? When I have more time I will try to post some of my story. And he tends to lie about everything. I think he is probably a compulsive liar. He lies to other people not just me. He lies to impress people, to fit in, to look cool, to stay out of trouble, to avoid conflict, etc.

Thanks,
Stormy

I just read your post Dru. Thanks, reading your post is very insiteful. I appreciate it.

Dear Stormy Dakota,

You did not give much background for this thread

I read back over some of your posts.

You are a Special Ed teacher with 3 children, oldest 3. You are separated trying to do plan B. H is philandering with a particular woman. You are not aware of other women.

Have you looked at the Boundaries material? Townsend and Cloud? I have the DVD. and Boundaries Face to Face.

"I want you to be respected by your children, not hated." You need to ____________ so we can get back together.

What do you want H to do? What did your pan B letter say?

Have you read Love must be tough by Dobson? I am working on it myself.

Lying is part of the problem, but a bigger problem is that you are not concisely laying out your action plan.

If H starts telling you about his girl friends, that will not solve the problem. With three children, it is difficult to put on something skimpy and talk to H, seductively.

Have you looked at marital bedroom ideas? www.sexualforums.com www.themarriagebed.com

I have been married for some time. I don't trust my wife. I think she lies and cheats, to a degree. I am thinking of a term for her. Partially Uncommitted Partner, PUP. My wife lies and cheats to a degree where the children will not obviously find out about it. She is not a Blatant cheater. If your husband stopped being a blatant cheater, would that be OK with you?

Ideas? Details?

SD,

My H and yours sound like they are related! My H's family does what you describe and for the reason's you describe. One of the main reasons is avoidance. Example, rather than tell the phone soliciter "no thank you, I'm not interested", they all make up stories. I never understood that, and this is just a small one. They do it on all levels with everyone they deal with, including each other. It wasn't until my H's second A that I saw him with similar characteristics. I always thought of him as different and above that, but I was blind. The bad thing in my book is that this has all set an example for our children, and it isn't good. So, I'm pretty much surrounded by it. I have even done it myself recently out of "if you can't beat them, join them" philosophy, which isn't right of course and I don't like it so I stopped.

I'm interested to see the responses you get to this, I hope they help!

I was going to try to post my story later. I had students in the room working and i have to get up and help them when they need help. Right now it is my lunch time. At 11:45 I have to go to the cafeteria for lunch duty. I'll type what I can fit in considerening the time given. My Husband has had one night stands before. As far as I am aware he has had two relationship affairs both with the same women. He had one more than 3 years ago with the OW. Then not that long ago we seperated and he drove down to wear she lives (very, very far from us) and picked her up. After being with her for a little over 2 weeks he started calling me & begging to come home, but he was not willing to find a different place to stay while we worked it out. He basically wanted to go from her bed strait back to mine. On top of everything else he has addictions. He struggles with a drug addiction, sexual addictions, compulsive lying, etc. I was considering plan B, but never followed through with it. We have 3 very young children together and they crave contact with him. I couldn't get myself to do plan B when I know one of the consequences would have been the kids maybe nevr seeing or hearing from their Dad again. The status with me & my Husband changes constantly. I have not posted about it because of embarrasment and disappointment in myself, but he just recently came home. The OW moved back to where she was living. I confirmed that. I do not believe he is having contact with her at the present time or cheating on me at the present time, but I do believe he has slipped and is using drugs again. We are both in IC. He is attending Men's Bible Studies on Monday and Wed. I am attending ALANON (our town is small & does not offer NARANON) on Tues. We are going to Chuch together on Sundays. Time will tell if he follows what he has agreed to follow. His counselor is a Christian Counselor who speciallizes in working with people who have addicitons. They have also put him on an anti depressant . His counselor feels his anger is a sign of his depression. Sorry, I have to go to my Lunch Duty.
TTYL,
Stormy

Dear Stormy Dakota,

Separation is not the way to get a marriage to work ordinarily. something like 5% of marriages separated over 2 months get back together, the rest stay separated. Don't have the exact statistics.

In order to do Plan B, you have to have a good Plan A, first. In one of your other posts, you mentioned that your list for the marital bedroom was ABC. His list is ABC, Plus D, E, F, and G. It seems some accomodations should be considered. This forum is good if you want support for a restrained marital bedroom, from the posts I have read. If you want some ideas for accommodations, post your challenges on sexualforums. com. There is no nudity, and mostly considerate people.

Do you have any sitter arranged so you can give H a big night once in a while? Jiggling time is important too. My wife lets me put on the Elvira movie, sometimes.

Congratulations on getting your H back.

Enabling is a concpet that you have heard about, but it is diffiicult to implement. I would say to get the marital bedroom going as stong as you can, which will keep the temptation for drugs down.

Standing is doing your part to make things work. Find compromises to meet his needs for SF.

You read 180 Dgree Divorce Busters. Have you tried any of the list? Any of your own.

Since H is probably not planning ahead too far, too well, you will need to make plans to keep things together. How are you doing on fmaily planning? Another child right now does not seem like the answer.

Have you identified any times that you get upset with H, that feeds into a cycle of using drugs, or other addictions? The simplest way is to avoid yelling when you are angry, and note down what you are upset about, and figure out a plan to avoid the situation that made you uset, and tell H your plan, and make the new plan work so you don't LB, nor enable.

My time is spradic, but I will try to follow through with you, at least every few days.

God Bless

Hi SD,

You certainly have many issues to deal with. It does seem you are getting help from various angles, so that's good.

I do believe it will take a personal revelation on your H's part to commit to being a better person in order for real lasting change to occur. Your H just isnt going to glide right into honesty...

Stillwed is often recommending Project Mankind; a men's healing organization. Your H sounds abit like her (old) H. If you start a new thread asking, I'm sure she'd fill you in, if you are interested.

Project Mankind

Best of luck to you. Please take care of yourself - Dru

Dear Stormy Dakota,

One concept recommended in Chapter 7 of Love Must be Tough, is that the person trying to make improvements, should make efforts to feel confidence in their approach. You and I are trying to make improvments in our marriages. I have made some suggesions earlier in the thread, but a more important concept is that whatever approaches you decide upon, that you find methods of feeling confident about your approach, and feel good self-esteem, and feel centered, in a calm sense. Dobson suggest prayer and consultation with ministers or other prayerful people to gain confidence in your approach.

Posting on bulletin boards is another way to gain confidence, to see if others have better ideas, or criticism of your ideas.

To deal with H's lies. I made some indirect suggestions in my first post on this thread. Most liars are predictable about the things they lie about. There are different types of liars, that lie about different things, in different ways. Once you understand when H is likely to lie, and what types of lies he is likely to tell, you can stop being surprised or disappointed, when you discover a lie. If you don't expect the truth, then you can't be disappointed, and you can keep your sanity.

So first, you can determine what type of lies H tells. Some Angry liars tell the opposite of what the truth is. "Have you been taking drugs this week?" "No, I have been clean for a month," This is typical of a question and lie sequence.

The important question is, what is H doing to get off drugs? Also, what can you do to help H get and stay off drugs? Does H have a spnsor? Can you invite the sponsor over for dinner? The process of getting off drugs, will ordinarily bring a person to an improved spiritual outlook, with reduced lying. Lies are more a symptom, than a problem in themselves.

You mentioned that H was on anti-dpressents. Is H in counseling? What type? How often? How can you be supportive of H going to counesling?

Another Christian organization that has meetings through out the U.S. is Overcomers, which deals with the full range of addictive disorders, and co-dependency. Some of the meetings are structured to include couples, men and women, then meeting separately, then coming back together for a joint meeting, for the last part of the evening. :
Overcomer's Outreach


Blessings

Thanks, sorry I have not been able to reply. Things have been real busy. Yes, I pray, have talked with our minister and preacher, confided in other Christians, etc. I really feel like I am confidant in all areas of my life except for when it comes to my Husband. I have some good close friends, I have a great job, I love teaching, I work with wonderful people, I work out at a gym, I have three healthy amzingly wonderful children. And I am definitely not having anymore. I tied my tubes right after my baby boy was born.

My HUsband is going to Individual counseling with a Christian Counselor who specializes in addicitons and anger management. He has anger issues and the counselor feels the anger problems are a sympton of depression. He does not have a sponsor. He does not want one and he refuses to participate in NA. He tried it and said it did not help at all. I am hopinhg one day he will change his mind and really give them a try. We do have a Christian friend who is just starting to mentor ,my Husband, Rene. He is a stroong mature Christian. Rene has agreed to call him when he is struggling and kee in touch with him on a regular basis.

Rene lies about all sorts of stuff and for what seems to be a ton of different reasons. To me it seems like he lies to everyone he knows. I think he comes off as cocky and over confidant, but that he is really insecure and lies to try and cover that up.

Yes, I visited those sites on how to spice up intimacy in the marriage. I was open to a lot of those ideas, but they were not what my HUsband was wanting. If you go back and reread the whole string that I posted on How to meet SF of Husband while keeping Christian values you can get more on than subject about us. Since he has returned home we are back to having sex every night (I refuse it have intercourse with him without condoms for fear of him cheating again behind my backand giving me another STD). I still do nnot think I meet his SF needs, but their are certain things that I am not okay with doing and will not do. Our problems are really deep and complicated. We have so many of them.

Thanks for the site I will definitely check it out.

Stormy

****If you use to lie what motivated you to stop and get honest?****

A realization that honesty was the ONLY way to happiness.
(Self confidence, freedom, etc.) Also, a certain psychological maturity---sort of like, hey wait, I'm just a person like all of the rest, what do I have to hide from.

How did you do it?
My H insisted and was very supportive but nonetheless VERY insistent on exact truth until I could get the hang of it naturally. (It sounds funny but I was raised in a house of salesmen and it was as if exaggeration was just a part of life, but somewhere along the way you are really learning to lie). So, I needed someone to recalibrate my reality.

****What can a spouse do to encourage honesty? What can a spouse do to avoid encouraging lies?***

First, ask your spouse "Why are you afraid of me?"

Do not respond to your spouses honesty by criticizing, judging what it is they did that they would want to lie about. (Of course that is NOT to say that you shouldn't feel angry or sad by what the person says, it's just how you express those feelings.)


***What is the best way to handle it when you know your spouse is lying, you have proof, yet they still sticck to the lie?***

DO NOT BACKDOWN FROM THE TRUTH. By not backing down from what is true, you in essence recreate the standard.

See, the thing about a liar is that their reality guage is miscalibrated. In order to lie, you have to make up something, in order to lie on a regular basis, you have to live by an alternate reality. Liars sometimes get so caught up in their own fiction that that may actually believe their own version of reality. I remember having lied about certain things so much that I was confused about what really was the truth.

Dear Stormy Dakota,

I have checked back for your reply, but I have not read back over your story much. I am trying to offer to assist with the concepts of drug rehab, which I have studied and coached some.

One idea I mentioned was boundaries. You have expressed a concern about H might take drugs. What are your experiences or fears or results that trouble you about H taking drugs? By letting H know what bothers you about drugs, you can take a step toward closer communication or truth.

I have watched the Boundaries DVD with my partially uncommitted partner. It seems to help get on the same page.

http://www.walmart.com/catalog/prod...&sourceid=1500000000000000040820

Ther are vaious formats of NA meetings. Perhaps he can try another NA group. Perhaps he can attend with the idea of working out a way to be comfortable, and developing a way to participate within his level of comfort. To start out with a high level confession, may be more than he is ready for.

If you could write his NA contribution speach, what would you say? What would you have to change to get him comfortable with the speach? "I am here, but I am not ready to discuss the details of my problems, at this time, as of yet. I do have a wife and children who love me, and I am trying to improve myself to be more worthy of the love I receive from them. I will keep everyone's secrets here, and appreciate the opportunity to listen to how others have met their challenges. May God Bless."

I think the Boundaries DVD has subtitles. I sometimes can get my partner's atention playing a DVD without the sound.

Anything you would like to share about your concerns about H's drug use, or programs that might work for him?

I was worried about you, glad you posted back.

Are there opportunites for more planning, so you can avoid surprises, that may decrease a motivation for H to lie?

God Bless.

Ahuman, awesome information. Thanks so much for sharing. My HUsband does not really open up to me about the lying, I think he lies for different reasons. Sometimes to hide stuff and to be able to continue doing them, sometimes to look cool, soemtimes out of habit. And, I also think his home life has a lot to do with it. His parents and family also lie a lot. I am a teacher and one time they introduced me as a Principal . When I corrected them they looked at me with an ugly glare. They knew 100% that I was just a teacher and that I was happy and proud to be a teacher.And, yes there are times when he believes or gets his lies confused.

Senator, Thanks again. I think part of the problem is that he only admits that he has a drug problem when we are seperated and he wants to come home or he knows that I am at the point of telling him to leave because I can not take it anymore. Either he has not admited to himself that he has a drug problem or in truth he does not want to stop. It is like he pretends to want to stop because he knows I am not okay with the drugs, but in reality he just wants to hide that he is using better from me. The drugs scare me because he always ends up cheating with a girl who uses when he uses for a long enough period (it is like the drugs promote/encourage the cheating), the drugs are illegal, money starts missing, things get pawned, I worry about our kids picking up on it & thinking drugs are okay and them growing up to try drugs. To me it is all one big nightmare and I have told Rene all of this many, many times. I am for any program that he is willing to try that will help him leave the drugs alone.

Dear Stormy Dakota,

Ahuman's post is helpful in several respects.

One idea is that Lying is habitual. So Stoping lying can be approached as stopping a bad habit. One way to stop a bad habit is to find some manageable penalty for a lie. The more quick the punishment is experienced, the more effective.

So perhaps you could start with something simple. "How may pairs of socks are in your sock drawer?" You could check first, an then ask him. if he is incorrect, he has to do 2 $5.00 or play a board game with a child, or ten push ups, or give you $ 1 to $5.00. Some behavioural modification program, to get him in the habit of telling the truth about something. Then you can switch to a different question.

About Drugs, you might do more research to find out what programs are available in your area. Drug taking is often done secretly. So as another post indicates your understanding that expecting the truth when an affair is going on, is probably not relaistic. Statistics indicate that the more time in treatment, the more effective the outcome. Also, most drug users do not voluntarily enter drug programs or drug thereapy. There is the idea that if it is not voluntary it won't work, but that is statistically false, as recidivism is reduced by court ordered programs.

So researching available programs is something that H would probably not do on his own. But your finding the programs does not reduce the effectiveness of the programs.

You can do more, starting sooner. If you find a program you think is good, and H refuses to go, post back, and we will come up with a plan.

But I am not clear on H using drug use as a means to get softer treatment from you. "Great, you cheated because you were using drugs, when going to a meeting once a week. So, Now you go twice a week, or else. And I want a call from your sponsor that you attended the meeting."

God Bless

My $.02.... There certainly are a whole lot of issues going on for you!

I was with my XWS when he was actively using, and when he got in Recovery from both narcotics and alcohol. And yes, he was in multiple treatment programs (15??) before he finally stayed clean and sober. 12 step programs are not just about stopping the use of the drug/addiction, but teaching you new coping skills and behaviors (through working each of the 12 steps). Step 1: Admitting you are powerless over the addiction, and your life has become unmanageable(getting out of DENIAL)...Step 4:Taking a personal inventory of your wrong doings (Radical Honesty)... Admitting to your Higher Power and one other person the exact nature of your wrong doings..Making amends..etc. etc.....This teaches people how to get out of the lying behavior which is such a large part of addiction. When someone stops using, they often feel so guilt ridden for all the lies and hurt they've caused that they need direction for forgiveness and change.

Also, as others have noted, the lying is such a repeated, "practiced" behavior. I still struggle with how blatantly my XWS could lie (i'd find store receipts for alcohol purchases)and he'd look me in the face and deny it! I'd actually question MY sanity because he seemed so convincing! And I do think that their level of denial actually allows them to believe themselves. Many recovering addicts have told me that they realize, even after getting into Recovery, that they lie even when there's absolutely no reason for it anymore!

My XWS was in Recovery for 3 years when we married. Trust definitely had to be rebuilt. And he realized as a part of his program that it was totally his responsibility to make the necessary changes. He had to get his butt to his meeting...he had to find a sponsor..he had to go for individual counseling. I did ask to be notified if he stopped going for individual counseling..but not anything about the content of his sessions. My X agreed to this and signed a release form for his counselor. Because NA/AA is an anonymous program, I didn't feel it was appropriate to try and track his attendance there. It was wonderful while it lasted! So nice to be able to trust his word!

I actually thought my XWS had relapsed when he had an affair! (he was 47..she was 21..they met at NA/AA!! Maybe I should have been "tracking" his attendance <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />) All the behaviors were there! In fact, I do consider it a relapse. This time he "used" a person, an affair to avoid dealing with life and it's day to day responsibilities. And yes, I did think he was being truthful and not lying about the affair for a very long time!

It's a very thin line about when and how much you involve yourself in trying to get your spouse to meetings, in treatment, get a sponsor, etc. It becomes that old "rescuing and enabling" behavior. You can state your limits/feelings/needs to your spouse, but you cannot "get" them to Recover or "make" them care about what you want. Also, some sponsors don't feel that it's appropriate for them to have contact with the spouse of the recovering person to confirm their attendance. Besides, your spouse could have anyone call and say they're his sponsor! It might be helpful to run these issues by your AL-ANON group.

Also, generally in behavior modification the idea is to state the goal in the positive, the behavior you want to happen, i.e., "Telling the truth", not the negative, i.e., "You will not lie" Also, "punishment" is not particularly effective for long term behavioral changes. Again, you "reward" incidents of the "desired" behavior.

OK...think I've said more than my $.02 worth!! Hope some of it is helpful.

Dear Heart Mending,

Your post gives a valuable perspective, that is slightly different from the suggestions that I have made to Stormy Dakota. I hope you will continue to follow Stormy Dakota and give views different from mine, because more views allow Stormy Dakota to select what is most workable for her at the time.

I have not seen other threads on this board dealing with drugs, but I have not done a search. So I was trying to be responsive, as I have some positive perspectives on treatment. Some effort, encouragement and monitoring are needed.

God Bless.

A big thanks to everyone! I appreciate all of the input. It is all very helpful! It feels good just to know that there are a lot of people out there who care and get it. Most of my friends outside of Marriagebuilders feel that I have put up with his lies, stealing, cheating, and drugs for way to long and they just want me to end it and get a divorce. They think I am crazy when I ask for advice on how to help and work on our marriage. That is one of the reasons that I love this site. If you come to this site wanting to try and work on your marriage that is what people here try and help you do. If I ever get to the point where I am done and have decided that I can not try anymore then the people here would support me on the divorce string to help me deal with the grief of going through a divorce, but right now I am still fighting to try and save my marriage. Thanks for all of the emotional and moral support.

We live in a small time, but they do offer some different programs for drug treatment. I would love it if he would ever try NA again, get a sponsor, enter rehab., etc. At this time he is not willing to do that. He has started IC (Individual Counseling), is attending a Men's Bible Study on Being a Godly Man of Integrity, and is allowing a strong Christian friend to mentor him. At this time I am trying to give the IC, Bibke Study, and mentoring time to male a difference. I will look up more information on Behavior Modification. I would have to figure out a way to try it out that he would respect. He gets very offensive if he feels like I am treating him like a little child or mothering him even if he is acting like an immature kid. If I can actually catch him or have a 100% proof he is using drugs again I may give him the ultimatium of attend NA/get a sponsor or enter a rehab program or move out, but it is very scary for me to give him an ultimatium. I am not a judge or a police man and I can not in reality force him to do anything he does not want to do. Believe me if I could he would already be in NA/rehab/or a program. In ALANON they are teaching me that I can not control his drug use and I should not try to. They are teching me to get strong and Independent. Basically leave him alone to use his drugs if he wants to, let him hit rock bottom, and see if he does not decide to get clean on his own. At least that seems like that is what theyu are teching me. All of that is scary for me. I have never, ever tried that. To me that is like saying it is okay to use and I am defintiely by no means okay with him using. I have mixed feelings about their approach, but I can definitely tell that the program has helped many, many of the people who are following it. Unfortuantely, many of them have tried it, gotten strong, spouses hit rock bottom, never changed, and know they are divorced. I would love to get strong , buit I hate the idea of my Husband drowning in the process and us just getting a divorce. If there is a chance we can get strong together that is what I really want. There is so much to respond to. I am sorry if I forget to respond to certain parts or questions.

"But I am not clear on H using drug use as a means to get softer treatment from you. " I do not understand what you mean by that. Can you explain. Thanks, Stormy

"I still struggle with how blatantly my XWS could lie (i'd find store receipts for alcohol purchases)and he'd look me in the face and deny it!" I get that 110%!!! My Husband can tell blatant lies like it is nothing. He has come home before reaking of marijuana all over him with his eyes bolld shot and will say he has not touched anything. that he is not even tempted to use marijuana anymore. That is just one example. I do not approve of marijuana, but his drug use does involve harder drugs than marijuana. I have found out with time that he has snorted heroin, cocaine, and smoked crack. It appears he tens to use what who ever he is hanging out with at the time is into. He jumps from one addiction to another as long as it does not involve needles. He is afraid of needles.

"lie even when there's absolutely no reason for it anymore! " Exactly! He will lie if there is a reson and he will lie if there is not a reason.

"You can state your limits/feelings/needs to your spouse, but you cannot "get" them to Recover or "make" them care about what you want" It is taking me over 5 years , but I am finally starting to accept that. For some reason it has been very difficult for me to accept that.

I am so sorry that he joined the program to do good and then ended up cheating on you. My heart ached for you when I read that part.

Thank Again,
Stormy

Dear Stormy Dakota,

I was asking if H was using his admission of his drug use as a ploy to get better treatment from you.

Your statement was "I think part of the problem is that he only admits that he has a drug problem when we are seperated and he wants to come home or he knows that I am at the point of telling him to leave because I can not take it anymore. Either he has not admited to himself that he has a drug problem or in truth he does not want to stop. It is like he pretends to want to stop because he knows I am not okay with the drugs, but in reality he just wants to hide that he is using better from me. "

You are saying that negotiations with H for further treatment are currently deadlocked. Can you ask H to sit down accasionaly, to review drug treatment options in your area? Not to agree to go, just to discuss what is avaialable, and what his feelings are, and what approaches to the program might work, or not work, for him. Planning sessions are a key to handling Oppositional impulses which are often a part of drug useage.

You can focus on Programs an maybe on friends nad recreational time. Focusing on drug use, itself, is counterproductive, because that is a symptom of a problem. You need to find out when the urge for taking drugs occurs, and find a more attractive substitute activity. Asking H about drugs is asking for a lie. It is better to avoid feeding the habit of lying. Don't ask that question.

I don't ask my wife, did you sleep with anyone else this week? I don't trust her, and I just try to be a good husband to her, and hope she wil minimize the cheating.

How can H manage his free time better? At what time is he meeting these drug-user people, and how can you compete with that time slot?

One MB princple is spending 10 to 20 yours a wwek together. Is that working for you? How could you make it work better?

Bod Bless