I started NC with my BW/WW last Monday/Tuesday...then broke it last Friday, and now I'm starting it again.
To catch you up, I'm a FWH with 7 A's/ONS's in my past, and have spent the last 8 months coming clean, owning up to my sins and trying to rebuild my M. However, my W started an A with OM 1 month before D-Day and has continued it for the past 8 months. He lives 2000 miles away, so I have been closer to her and more involved in her daily life than I probably should have been. She has alternated between "maybe we can work it out I love you" to "I hate you and would be stupid to take you back."

I'm going NC to get away from the pain of her OM and her foggy justifications for continuing the A, and to try and find myself and be strong as an individual.
The 1st round of NC seemed to have a big impact on her...she was crushed (as was I) and really missed me.

I emailed her yesterday saying "we need to go back to NC because it was wrong of me to break it."

Here is the chain of events for the rest of the day - this demonstrates to me the bizarre double-life and toxic web of lies and uncertainty in which the WS really does live. Within the span of even 15 MINUTES she did a wild swing from one side to the other!

4/6 12:30pm - sent calm & apologetic email saying "let's restart NC."

4/6 2:30pm - received angry reply that didn't mention NC or OM at all but said "I hate you for sucking me into your web of lies and all your OW you never really loved me. I'm going to move away from here to get away from all this BS."

4/6 4:00pm - angry phone call from her saying "I'm sick of your using low self-esteem as an excuse for your cheating, you're a selfish [censored]."

4/6 5:00pm - saw my IC, related all of the above. He reiterated previous breakthrough that I'm "cheating on myself with my wife," that I am continuing to stay in a toxic situation (with my W) for short-term pleasure rather than thinking of long-term consequences...just like I did when I was cheating on my W...and that I need to get away from her.

4/6 6:30pm - BW/WW called, crying and sad, asking me to "stop the pain." Stated she doesn't have much hope for us but that I'm the love of her life and that she needs to DV me to start her life over and "this thing with OM has to play itself out first" but that maybe someday we can try again.

7:00pm - got a 2nd phone call from her where she asked pointed questions about my FOW appearance, the sex, etc. "were they prettier than me?"

9:00pm - sad and sobbing phone call, very drunk...I raced over to her place because I was worried about her.

The rest of the evening was face-to-face:
* "I love you" and crying. "Maybe we can try again someday when you're better."
a few minutes later...
* "I tried to break up with OM many times, but he won't let me."
Then she said "he's such a beautiful creature."

I got mad and started to storm out saying "well then I hope you two are happy together."
* That lead into a big argument - angry - where she was saying "you never loved me" and "I don't love you" and "you're a narcissistic pig" and "I'm glad I started my A with OM because I was unhappy and didn't trust you." She was calling me names and hitting me and pushing me out of her apartment.
* After 10 minutes calm, she asked me to lie down in bed with her - I started sobbing, and she put her arms around me and kissed me, and asked me to stay the night. Very calm and loving.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


That last exchange is the most amazing to me - to be yelling and screaming that she hates me and she's glad for OM, and the next to be holding me and comforting me????

Wow.
I knew she was messed up...but not this much.

My IC told me I need to start viewing that situation as toxic, that until she apologizes for and breaks up with OM and stops the deception and justification, that I should view her as unhealthy to have in my life. I'm starting to get there.

NC is going to be SOOOO hard...I miss her so badly and love her so much...but she's as bad for my health right now as I was for hers back in my worst days of cheating.

Hopefully NC will be good for her, to give her the time and space she needs to come to some realizations and make decisions she knows are right...or not.

<BUMPING> myself, I'd love to hear what TooMuchCoffeeMan has to say about all of this <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And also to say...
The more I think about what she said about OM being "a beautiful creature" and that she "tried to break up with him many times but he wouldn't let her".....the more angry I become.
I'm glad I went NC, and am doing it FOR REAL this time, because I think I was getting dangerously close to what I'd been warned about - staying too long in "Plan A" and losing love for my W.
I also think the daily contact and playing doormat to her was preventing me from experiencing my true feelings about the whole situation - my anger at her for her betrayal, my real guilt and anger at myself for betraying her, and the true sense of loss.

Now I try to mend myself.

Be careful what you wish for you just might get it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

There's no doubt that your W is one sick lady and until she owns up to her sickness [like you owned up to yours] she will continue to be dragged further downward. She reminds me a lot of the woman my exW was when I was married to her ["It's everybody's fault that I am the way I am, not mine"]. Even your IC has acknowledged this fact, and he is giving you good advice regarding the dangerous toxicity for you to continue having contact with her. Think of it this way, would you hang out with men/women who continue to cheat like you did in the past? I think we know the answer to that don't we, so why would you continue to hang out with one just because she is legally married to you? Until your W grows up and assumes complete responsibility for her actions [like you did with yours], she will continue to use her inmaturity to wallow in blame shifting and your continued contact with her will only feed it.

And as far as NC is concerned. Instead of going NC go to Plan B. Plan B is NC with a purpose [the saving/rebuilding of a marriage]. It will also remind her that in a marriage, there is no room for a third party and that it is totally ludicrous to expect a BS to accept it.

So what say you?

TMCM

VM:

What 2MCM said!

-ol' 2long

While your story and Jen Brown's are totally different, there are striking similarities, especially in the area of the BS turned WS still blasting the FWS while engaged in his/her own affair. It wouldn't be surprising if your marriage goes the way of Jen Brown's [divorce]. I hope I'm dead wrong about this but the scenario in your story doesn't bode well for the future of your marriage. But if your marriage does end, your adherence to the MB principles will help you move on without taking with you the baggage of the old relationship into a future one [like you did after your first marriage ended].

TMCM

TMCM - thanks for responding! I was starting to wonder if you'd forgotten me. And 2Long, thanks for being in agreement. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yes, if the main criteria for Plan B is:
* No contact, and here are the stipulations,
* I'm doing this to save our marriage...

Then I have done a successful Plan B.

I've made it very clear that in order to break NC, all she needs to do is dump OM, apologize for her A, and commit to making it work again.
We shall see if she comes around to that.
She has come SO close in recent history to entertaining the notion, that I have high hopes that she'll come around eventually, but the difference between then and now is...I'm not pinning the entirety of my future happiness on it.
And, to hear her talk in her more lucid moments, I have reason to believe the R with OM isn't all it could be and may fail soon anyway. But my IC cautioned me that there may be other OM before she realizes this is about her and not about me.

I'm going to move on...not to another person, but to living life...and hope she joins me someday.

Nah, just haven't been to the forums for quite a while.


Did you write a plan B and deliver it to her? If you haven't then you've left a very important part of Plan B. The importance of a Plan B letter is that it can be read over and over again by her. If you just give her an oral Plan B, then it will mostly go in one of her ears and out the other. Furthermore, if you are still having contact with her then you are NOT in Plan B.



He may be right and in her state of mind of blaming everything under the sun to you, this is not a far fetched possibility. Remember, that in her mind she may act like the whore of Babylon but it is still "all your fault" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />



Good but don't rule out the possibility that another woman may appear in your life if you divorce your WW. I basically said the same thing you did and now look at me, I've remarried and never been happier. So never say never again.

TMCM