Pebs - you continue to do great!

It WILL be ugly to watch your H sink lower and lower. Be thankful he is. One step backwards to take two steps forward. So many WSs never do this (like mine) so cosider that this is a good sign of hope for him in a twisted way.

On the topic of using the kids as messengers, I think this is very important to avoid. It keeps the kids out of having responsibility for stuff they shouldn't have the responsibility for and prevents miscommunications due to their mistakes.

How NOT to rely on them?

Insist that all necessary communications between you and Bam Bam rely solely on you and Bam Bam. If this means periodic face to face interaction and breaking Plan B NC, so be it. This cost is worth the value of keeping the kids out of it. Checks can be sent in the mail.

Please check your divorce paperwork. I'd be surprised if some provision isn't already in there on this topic.

AND - you knew you'd hear this, right? - take advantage of all seemingly "bad" situations > WHEN contact is required for this "business" type stuff, remember to put on your best Plan A face and attitude. This is very important to give Bam Bam a reminder of what he's missing. Just a fleeting reminder........ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WAT

Thank you, WAT, but I think I've been a bad, bad girl.

Okay, I admit it. I had a burning curiosity to see WH. I could have avoided it, but I didn't try very hard.

I had the kids all ready to go at WH's 6 p.m. pick-up time. WH even called (son answered) to 'warn me' (my words, not his) that he was five minutes away. I saw him pull up to the curb in front of the house. I hugged the kids and guided them out the door. Son had to help daughter carry her gigantic, heavy duffle bag full of toys (Gimble: none of the toys had been purchased with WH on their shopping outings, LOL). Son accidentally left his laptop computer by the door. He noticed and started to come back to get it.

I could have stayed inside and let son handle it, but noooooooo, not poor, dumb Pebbles. I really, really wanted to see WH. I picked up the laptop and walked out onto the front porch. WH was busy getting daughter's gigantic bag into the trunk of the car and didn't notice me. So, instead of going back into the house like a reasonable person, I stood there until he looked up and saw me. I smiled and gave a small wave. He ignored me. I called out a good-bye to the kids, then went inside.

The worst thing is, it was premeditated on my part. I dressed for the occasion. I wore something I knew he would notice and like. How pitiful am I?

Hi, Pebbles.

Quote:
==================
I wore something I knew he would notice and like. How pitiful am I?
==================

Well, others may disagree, but I like what you did. I think it is healthy for him to see what he is missing.

Don't talk to him though, that is pushing the reset button, and you don't want to start over.

The kids are enjoying all this more than they are letting on, or at least they are 'working the system'. That is a lot healthier than giving in to depression.

It will be okay, Pebbles.

All the best,
Gimble

Hi, Gimble.

Hmmm, now that I'm past the immediate anger with myself for being so weak, and having read your post and WAT's post just above mine, maybe what I did wasn't such a bad thing after all.

You said this, Gimble:

And, reading WAT's post more carefully, he said:
I guess what I gave him was a 'fleeting reminder' of what he's missing? It was at a distance, from the front porch to the curb, so it wasn't too close and personal, and I didn't speak to him. Although, when he ignored me I wanted to jump up and down and try to get his attention. I didn't, though, at least I had that much self-control. WH looked right at me, but didn't acknowledge me at all, the dork.

I said something to the kids about it seeming like Saturday today, because school is out. Son said he wished it was Saturday. When I asked him why, he said, "Because then it would be closer to the time for us to come home." If working WH for extra toys and later bedtimes makes them feel better, I'm all for it.

Thank you, Gimble. I really hope so. These last four months have seemed like a lifetime.

Pebbles.

" WH looked right at me, but didn't acknowledge me at all, the dork. "

Don't you believe for a second that he didn't notice or care. He did.

You see, he HAD to act like it didn't matter - because it did.

Tomorrow will bring it's own troubles. No need to worry today away, it's already over.

Go to bed! :-)

This is from some blues I was listening to while I wrote this post. It seemed to fit the situation.

Sung from the female perspective;
"Don't expect me to take you back, when she don't treat you like I do."

:-)

Gimble

Hello, again, Gimble. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sigh, it feels like junior high all over again, only the stakes are higher now.

But Gimble, it's only midnight! The night is young. Besides, if I get more than 5 or 6 hours of sleep, I'll be groggy all day tomorrow, LOL.

I like it. I'll have to start listening to more jazz.

'Night, Gimble. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Don't worry. You didn't break the bank and you certainly won't be booted from MB for 'teasing' the WS.

Did you ever see Braveheart? When the Scots mooned the Brits? LOL!!! Both sides. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Talk about teasing. LOL!!! That was in war!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Too funny.

Ok, well IMHO I think you are doing quite well. The WS isn't looking well and it isn't your imagination. Keep that fact under your hat, you are gonna be able to use it soon.

I recall playing back the WS babble to him and told him if his A was sooo great why were so many saying he looked sick? Even his GP told him he was malnourished looking. Musta been all that good cooking the OW told me she was going to give the WS.... or was it that he resorted to Taco Bell 5 nights a week!?!?!?!? LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Remember he is falling but don't break his fall. It's the A you want to break so don't lose focus. Work on you and stick to your plan B. Remember to define your boundaries so you don't have to wonder soooo much if you are doing the right thingy or not.

JMHO,
L.

Pebs - when I started reading your post about being bad and "violating" Plan B, I said to myself, "ut oh - not another Plan B wimp!"

But your description of your "violation" left me, er, disappointed in my over reaction.!

Gimble said: HA! No disagreement from me!

Good job!!

Just don't succomb to anything more! I suggest you not "dress up" for these occasions - he may detect the intentional tease. Be yourself, just be non-angry, and effervescent.

JMHO

WAT

Hi, Orchid,

Note to self: Rent Braveheart. I bet if I mooned WH he wouldn't ignore me, but the neighbors probably wouldn't let their kids come over to play any more. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

That is one of the reasons I wanted to get a look at him, to see if he looks as bad as everyone is telling me or if everyone is just trying to make me feel better. I didn't get an up-close look, but I'd have to agree that he looked a bit worse for wear - and his hair is almost completely gray now!

That sounds like my WH with his soup, LOL. He keeps giving us bundles of soup labels (we collect them for school). The man must eat soup for every meal some days.

I hope WH is one of the ones who end up 'getting it.' I know there are some who fall and just stay down. No matter what happens, though, with all I've learned through this experience, the kids and I will be okay - better than okay eventually.

Hi, WAT.

I'm glad you don't think I was a wimp, WAT. Oh, the graduating sixth-graders at my school gave each teacher an award stating which reality T.V. show they would be most likely to be on or win. They voted me the most likely to win 'Survivor.' I like that.

Thank you, WAT. If you and Gimble are in agreement, then it's all good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

WAT, actually I did more of a 'dressing down.' It's California and it's almost 100 degrees, we don't wear much. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I just wore what I know he'd like if he were here, as opposed to exercise clothes with my hair in a ponytail. I won't go overboard, though.

The call ahead of his arrival yesterday, him letting the kids come to the door by themselves, and him waiting at the curb yesterday were all him respecting my Plan B boundaries. Is it encouraging that he is respecting my boundaries - or does it mean he doesn't care enough to try to talk to me?

Gee, I always have to find something to worry about, don't I? At least I only do it here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Pebbles,
Keep up the good work. I think you are handling things really well. Stick with the advice of the pro's. I'm taking notes for when its my plan B time. Take your time don't try to rush things. If he is deeply intrenched in his mystical WH skewed thinking it may take a 6x8 instead of a 2x4 to knock him back to his senses. I know you must miss your H, but don't make it too easy. You've been missing your H a long time...WH keeps creeping in. Your HUSBAND needs to step up and fight for his family, HE has to want it. Things are not comfortable for him and they will probably get worse. He needs to figure out for himself that HE needs to fix it.

I don't think you were bad at all. Alls fair in love and war he has no idea whats in store for him. Mel Gibson mooning in Braveheart...I could watch that again! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi, confused42.

I have some big pieces of wood WH left in the garage. I could cut them to 6x8 with his beloved radial saw. I am also thinking of using a hot glue gun to add stick-on jewels to his safety glasses, LOL.

I was just thinking about our 15th anniversary trip in July of last year. We went to the beach where we used to go when we were dating and first married. We had what I thought was a great time. WH seemed genuinely happy. He laughed, was very nice to me, and we had great conversations (and SF). After he first left in January, he told me that he had been planning his leaving of us during the time of that trip. I asked him if all of the anniversary trip had been for show. He said, "Yeah, pretty much." It hurts so much to think that something that meant so much to me was just a lie.

I hope my husband is still in there, somewhere.

Word, sister!

I wonder how it will work when I pick up the kids at 6 p.m. on Sunday. I told son that I would call him on his cell phone when I was about 5 minutes away from WH's apartment. I will have to park in an alley (nothing but class, LOL) and walk a short distance to get the kids. WH lives on a busy street and I won't be able to stop at the curb in front of his place. I wonder if WH will just stay inside and send the kids out to meet me as a 'turnabout is fair play' statement.

I called the kids (on son's cell phone) Saturday evening to say hello. Both kids said they had been on the computer most of the day. Daughter used 'dad's' laptop, which is really MOW's laptop that she is so kindly letting WH keep at his place (gag). My daughter's sweet, innocent, probably slightly sticky fingers were touching the same keys touched by MOW's haggy, nasty, filthy, skanky fingers. It makes me almost nauseaous.

So, do you think WH will wash the kids' clothes and feed them before I pick them up, like he did last time to 'help' me? I'm thinking no, LOL. He probably won't carry their things to the car and load them for me this time, either.

More late-night rambling: It is now June 5. WH has until June 13 to respond to the divorce paperwork. He has still not mentioned being served, not even to his own family. I called my lawyer, who told me she has heard nothing from WH. WH won't give my lawyer the name of his lawyer, so she thinks he does not have a lawyer of his own. I wonder what WH's plan is, or if he even has one. We have a court date of June 29 regarding financial support. How far up his intestinal tract is WH's head stuck, anyway?

Hi, Pebbles.

Quote:
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How far up his intestinal tract is WH's head stuck, anyway?
====================

Well, far enough that if he doesn't have a lawyer, he is going to shortly find out just how good John's wife's advice is.

I wonder if he will finally realize that he is being manipulated. I think it will happen soon, because the 'game' is about to get very real.

I doubt he will return the kids washed, waxed and full of gas this time, but by all means, do let us know.

I am off to bed, Pebbles, it's 12:30 am your time, 2:30 am mine :-)

Be good,
Gimble

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Too funny, Pebbles. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

He is still breathing so he is still alive but his vision is blurred and the smell must be clouding his mental process. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Just do what you need to gather your children and stay out of harms way. The hard part is that the BS feels they just 'have to know'. In reality you don't have to know, just very curious.

The good part is that you will eventually know more than you needed to know. Info will flow in if you are patient.

take care,
L.

Hi, Gimble. Hi, Orchid.

Gimble said:As if you could stop me from letting you know! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Amazingly, WH did feed the kids and do their laundry before I picked them up, to help me, according to son. He started to carry daughter's heavy duffle bag out the door, but I put out my arm with a smile so he handed it to me. That thing must have weighed 50 pounds. The three of us walked away to the car without a backward glance.

Orchid said:I did see inside WH's top-secret apartment today! He has never let me get close to it before. I'll post the latest weird update in a minute, after I get the kids to bed.

I called son on his cell phone to tell him I would pick him and his sister up in 10 minutes and to please have their things ready to go. I parked - in the alley - and walked to WH's apartment. The kids were nowhere to be seen. I waited a few moments to see if the kids would come out. I didn't have my cell phone with me to call son (left it in the car), so I went through the small garage to knock on WH's back door (strange apartment layout). I got a good look at the things in WH's garage while I waited. He has been doing some shopping. Son opened the door, very wide open. As he turned around to get his things, WH closed the door to only about a foot open, but too late - I got a good look inside the inner sanctum.

The place is a dive! From what the kids were telling me, it sounded like an okay place. From what I could see, it is very small and the walls, counters, and appliances looked old. If his MOW has been taking care of it for him, as he told me, she is not doing a very good job. I thought it was funny that he had a candle arrangement on the mantle of his very small fireplace. He always laughed at my love of candles. Maybe MOW likes candles too. It was fairly obvious to me that he had had help decorating, or else the apartment came somewhat furnished.

While WH was helping the kids get their things together, he looked right at me standing outside the doorway. I smiled and said "hi," but nothing else. He completely ignored me. I kept smiling. From that moment on, he would not even look at me. He looked down or away from me. I still kept smiling. The kids started to walk away to my car. WH called goodbye, pointedly to the kids only. The kids didn't say anything. I said goodbye to WH. He ignored me again. After that, the kids and I didn't look back.

I thought standing there at the door without saying anything would have been rude of me. That's why I said 'hi.' I hope that isn't considered breaking Plan B. WH seems perfectly happy to ignore me. I know I have only been in Plan B for two weeks as of today, but I have doubts that it will work. WH seems pretty far gone.

Hi, Pebbles.

You have now satisfied your curiosity, and pushed the edges of your plan.

Next time go back to the car and get the cell phone :-)

Quote:
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WH called goodbye, pointedly to the kids only. The kids didn't say anything. I said goodbye to WH. He ignored me again.
=======================

So he is playing 'high school'. You really aren't surprised that he didn't engage you are you? His reasoning is simple. It is YOUR fault that he is not speaking to you. You gave him the letter.

Lurking at front doors doesn't count :-)

Time for you to go dark young lady.

Be good,
Gimble

Pebbles wrote:
=========================
Amazingly, WH did feed the kids and do their laundry before I picked them up, to help me, according to son.
=========================

That is most curious. I did not expect him to still be on his 'best behavior', but what he said to your son is interesting. I don't want to be guilty of reading tea leaves, especially since I remind others not to :-)

I will ponder that one though.

It is obvious that he still loves his kids, even through his confusion. This is a good thing.

Gimble

Hi, Gimble.

I was kicking myself as soon as I entered WH's garage. I wasn't sure which would be worse, knocking on the door or him seeing me take the long walk back to my car to get the cell phone. Now he probably doesn't take my Plan B seriously.

Just like everything else is my fault. It's my fault he's living in a bad apartment that costs more in rent than the monthly mortgage on our house. It's my fault he only sees his kids a couple times a week. It's my fault there is a hole in the ozone layer. And so forth...

Why do I have to be so curious? Yet another character flaw. I am very patient with children and under most circumstances, but I am really blowing it now. At least I won't have to deal with another WH sighting until Wednesday, when he takes the kids for their first mid-week overnight. I am going to try not to think about him at all until then, unless I get a call from my lawyer about the divorce paperwork.

Aaaagh, I'll try harder.