Hi, Gimble.

Yes, he is quite determined. Determination is usually a quality that I admire, when used for good. Speaking of stubborn, it should be interesting to see how he handles having our daughter overnight without our son tonight. Talk about a reality check, LOL. She has the potential to make his evening a miserable one, if she wants to. I see a major shopping trip in WH's future.

From what the kids told me, it sounds like the whole overnight visit was different this time. WH had to pick them up on his way home from work. He usually goes to his place and washes up and changes clothes first. They had fast food for dinner. Every other visit he has barbecued or cooked something for them. No breakfast was a biggie. He usually makes pancakes, bacon, eggs, the works. I don't know if it was just a bad day for him or if this is a new trend. It sounds as if he was a bit frazzled. Of course, I got all of this secondhand from the kids.

Gimble, me? Get all worked up? LOL. I have been reading about recovery, but it still seems like something that would apply to someone else. Of course, affairs only happen to 'other people,' too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> When I told my mom about WH defaulting, she said it was probably just because he wanted it over with quickly. But mom is not exactly WH's biggest fan lately.

You know, it is very relaxed and peaceful here. Very little drama, except for when I have to keep the kids from killing each other, LOL.

Hi, Sleepless.

I have thought he was depressed since before he left. He seemed to be going through some sort of midlife crisis. On our one and only visit to a counselor, the counselor asked WH how long he had been depressed. WH said he was only depressed when he was with me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> The latest events can't have helped his mood at all.

I wish I could help him, but I know I can't. I have to stay out of it. It is a sad thing to watch.

Sleepless, how are you feeling? Do you have any lingering effects of your accident yesterday?

Hi, Cat and Trix.

I'll have to talk to my lawyer. I know child support can be directly withdrawn from a parent's paycheck if they have a history of not paying support. I'm not sure if I could request to have it directly withdrawn without a history of non-payment. I hear so many stories of parents who fail to pay support - and I do have that letter he wrote, threatening to not pay. Of course, he was very angry when he wrote it. I'll bet he's kicking himself now, if he even remembers he wrote it.

Hi, WAT.

I believe you, WAT, but it is hard to wait. I'll try to keep busy and distracted. More yoga would help.

I believe this, too. If he doesn't crash, he won't realize how serious all of this is. It shouldn't be too easy. I just hope he can crash before the now super-quick divorce becomes final (still waiting to talk to the lawyer about delaying things). I also hope he has what it takes to claw his way back up. I think he has it in him (if there is any of the old him left), but does he think so?

The kids and I have reached a final decision about what to do for Father's Day for WH. I don't know if I handled it the very best way, but...

I mentioned to the kids that Sunday was Father's Day. I asked what they thought they should do. My son looked at me with that look that only teenagers can give, just on the verge of being disrespectful, and said, "Uh, Mom, did you notice I don't even want to be with him on Father's Day?" My daughter just said, "Whatever. If you want to get something, you can. Can I stay home while you get it?"

I asked them if they wanted to pick out a card when we went to the grocery store. My son said, "As long as I don't have to sign it." My daughter again said, "Can I stay home while you go get it?"

I decided I'm not going to force them to do anything for their father this Father's Day. Maybe I'm letting them be disrespectful, but if their hearts are not in it... I feel like I would be forcing them to lie, if I made them choose a card and sign it. Besides, it could be another big dose of reality for WH, especially since neither child wanted to be with him on Sunday.

Maybe he'll finally get it that his kids are not 'fine' with all of this and that they are not 'adjusting' immediately, as he thought they would. Of course, he'll probably just blame it all on me.

Edited to add: I also felt that at almost 10 and almost 14, the kids were old enough to make their own decisions about this.

Hi, Pebbles.

I think you did good.

Gimble

Pebs - I don't see that you have any other choice. You did not deny them the opportunity to participate.

Part of me wants to say that you should encourage them to honor the day with the expectation that he will eventually get his head outta his butt that they may regret not taking advantage of this opportunity to show him the light house home.

Not all will agree, but please consider getting a card for them to sign and encourage them to sign it. If he comes for them and the card is available, maybe it'll have some meaning to him. Hard to say.

You do understand, right, that you will be blamed if the kids ignore him. Not that your actions should be influenced by this, just a fact.

WAT

This may seem kind of weird but....buy him a father's day card and hold on to it. If recovery happens pick a random date for Daddy's Day...its a day to show love, respect and admiration. I don't think WH is someone the kids admire much these days. Then they won't have to feel guilty about missing it or wait until the "official" date, it becomes a intimate family celebration. Just my thought.

Gimble, WAT, and confused42, thank you for your input on our Father's Day dilemma.

Thinking about being the lighthouse and being blamed for the kids not 'remembering' Father's Day, I had a brainstorm. My son has already left for his camping trip, so I convinced my daughter to go to the Hallmark store with me. I picked out two small frames to put the kids' most recent school pictures in. From what I can tell, WH didn't take any pictures of the kids with him when he left. I picked out a card, with my daughter's grudging approval. The card does not say the word 'love' anywhere on it, nor is it mushy in any way. It's more of a generic 'Happy Father's Day' card, not exactly a tear-jerker.

My daughter was willing to sign the card, if I let her use my special pen that is usually off limits. She had to sign it from both kids (son would not have signed anyway). My daughter is very artistic and usually adds all kinds of flourishes and artwork when she signs a card. She just signed her and her brother's names plainly, and used the word 'from,' not love. I did not tell her what to write or how to sign, and I did not comment on the lack of embellishment.

The more I thought about it, the more I thought I might end up regretting letting the kids 'forget' Father's Day, even if the kids don't seem to care. This might be one of those 'someday you'll thank me for this' kinds of things mom's make their kids do.

What do you think?

excellent, you are brilliant. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think that was a resourceful solution.

Ya gotta admit that there's a lot of logic in permitting an occasion like this to be poo poo'd as a consequence of the WS's decisions. Let the cards fall where they may. But sometimes compassion and reaching out ought to trump self imposed consequences. It's just dern hard to know which ones.

I bet you will have a clearer conscience, huh?

WAT

Hi, Pebbles.

Quote:
=============================
What do you think?
=============================

Well, I hate to be the 'downer' in the crowd, but I think that easing hubby's conscience in any way, does him a disservice, and prolongs the entire family's trip into hell.

If he wants to be a good father, he can get his butt home and clean up his mess.

All the best,
Gimble

Faithful Follower, WAT, and Gimble, thank you for your replies.

Gimble, I completely agree with you on this. The Father's Day gift is more to ease my conscience, not his, but I do see your point.

I actually think one result of this Father's Day gift may be to jolt his conscience a little, not ease it, but I could be way off. WH knows how our daughter usually takes a lot of time to decorate the inside of a card when she signs it and she always makes fancy pictures in the letters of her name. I don't know if it will get through his fog, but I think he may notice that she didn't spend any time at all making this card special. WH knows that she evens embellishes birthday cards for the boys in her class, even the ones that annoy her.

WH may also notice that our son did not sign the card. If he mentions it to our daughter (he may not), she will come right out and tell him that our son did not want to sign it.

I am also thinking that the pictures of the kids may make him think of them more often. He'll have to keep them out where they are easily visible or else the kids will notice, right?

I do hope I'm not making things worse.

Edited to add: If WH asks our daughter if she helped choose the gift, she will come right out and tell him 'no.' I don't know if that will be a good or a bad thing. She is not quite as worried about being diplomatic as our son is.

Hi, Pebbles.

Quote:
======================
I actually think one result of this Father's Day gift may be to jolt his conscience a little, not ease it
======================

It might. On things like this where there isn't a clear benefit, I just play it straight.

Look at it this way. If I didn't speak up when I don't agree, you wouldn't believe me as much when I tell you I think you have done well :-)

And, just in case I haven't said it in a while, I think you are doing a fine job with your Plan B, and a fine job with your kids.

God bless,
Gimble

Hi, Gimble.

That's one of the reasons I have so much respect for your advice - you call it like you see it.

Thank you. That means a lot to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, whether it was a good idea or not, my last-minute brainstorm of a Father's Day gift is on its way. WH just picked up our daughter. This will be the first time she has had to spend the night with him without her brother. She kept looking at the clock, then decided to go to the bathroom right at 6:00, the time he is supposed to arrive. WH made it all the way up the front walk and was almost on the front porch when I finally got her out of the bathroom. He is supposed to wait in his car, according to my Plan B letter. He also could have called and told us he was here.

I wish I hadn't gotten such a good (but quick) look at him. I had to open the door for our daughter, she had so much to carry. I don't know if he saw me or not. The hardest part for me was hearing his voice. He was cheerfully talking to our daughter. Hearing his voice made me miss him (H, not WH).

Still no check. He usually gives me a small check on the 15th. Am I being punished - again? How ironic that so close to Father's Day he would not send any money to support his kids.

Hi, Pebbles.

I wouldn't be surprised if daughter doesn't tear into him without big brother around to add balance.

It should prove to be an interesting evening for him.

Gimble

Well my neck is feeling better, so no whiplash. But I've discovered I must have jammed my ankle while pressing into the floor as I rolled over. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Oh, and my coworkers said, I saw your truck on TV. GREEAAATTT.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Apparently the traffic reporter asked, "How did he do that" Well I would be happy to tell him!!

I'm good. Room's almost done. Wait.... this is your thread. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

So enough about me, let's talk about the Dork. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

It takes some time. It's hard to be patient. Wait and see what happens. I think Gimble is right. He's going to have to look at himself, and say DAMN BOY! What were you thinking?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

hey crash....

Hi, Sleepless.

Well, at least they didn't see you featured on an episode of Cops or America's Most Wanted, LOL.

I'm glad you're feeling okay. Maybe ice for the ankle? As in ice chest with a beer or two. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />