I went into turn in my 2 week notice at one of my jobs today, and ran into a woman I used to work with, who also worked with my H and the OW. This woman was friends with the OW. I walked up to her and said (jokingly) "what you think you can come work on my turf?" she looked at me... Anyway long story short, we got to talking, and she started out by telling me how sorry she was for what the OW did to me and my family, and she wanted me to know that she no longer associates with her, because she is not the type of person she likes as friends. anyway not the point. I get told she is engaged, and all sorts of information that I did not want or need to hear. Brought back all the memories and pain like it happened yesterday, why does it still bother me so? So then I get home and H asks me what is wrong (apparently visable) so dumb little me tells him. now he is all withdrawn. I do not think he is sad.... I just should never of brought her up....it does not aleviate any of my concerns that he would cheat again, because if she has no respect for my marriage, why would I think she would have respect for her own if the opportunity presented itself. I am not as worried that he would go back to her, and if he did it would be his loss- if H wanted her he would have stayed. SHE is the least of my concerns, she angers me more. Sorry just a ramble..... Not even sure if it makes since. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

any suggestions on how to make this not eat me alive as much as it is? I know I should not be letting it bother me, but it is.... It is like a floodgate of emotion just opened....URGG

Hi K!
I dont know if we've ever posted to each other before but you sound like me. in regards to your H, do you think he's upset about ow getting engaged or that you brought up his A? I can't remembeer if i've ever read your story before, ill have to go back and look. I like your hair in your picture tho! LOL.

I do not know if we have posted either. The thing with my H is he likes to tell me he made a mistake coming back to me, like I have something to prove to him, I owe him something, We had been having a good week together, getting along great, and we had even talked a little on the phone before I got home and things were fine, then I get home he asks me what is wrong so I tell him, then all of a sudden his mood changed. He started complaining about the house, and yelling at me for little things, or ignoring me. I just do not get it at all.

Thank you about my hair- I liked it that day too, however not all days are good hair days- today my hair is in a ponytail- but that is because I was too tired to get up this morning, I am battleing a cold and Larengitis- very little voice... Hope it is better tomorrow so I can work!

Hi, KMEJ-

It's a trigger - we all have them. But I'm not clear on which part upset you the most: the "reminder" of the A via this ex-coworker, or your husband's reaction and not knowing exactly why he responded that way? Maybe all three? Do you feel comfortable talking with your H one more time to air out the situation?

Are you familiar with saveyourmarriagecentral dot com? I think it's run by a Harley-trained counselor. I looked for relevant info. on her web site and found something that appears helpful. It pertains to resentment when an OC is in the picture, but the same principles may apply. Hope it helps:

The best way to deal with resentment is to avoid entirely the things that trigger it. However it's not possible to avoid some things, such as hearing a name in conversation. In that case I would say your best option would be to have an alternative line of thought ready to go. So when your mind starts wandering down that memory path, have something else ready that you can turn your attention to. Plan it, so you are prepared.

For example, if you like gardening, then when your mind wants to take you someplace painful, turn your attention to your garden... What do you want to plant, do you need to buy seeds, check the soil? Find something pleasant, and then make a conscious effort to think about that instead of the pain. It takes concentration and practice but in time you’ll find it becomes much easier to do.

If you are in conversation with someone, don't let your mind linger on the name and then take off with thoughts of the affair. Focus extra hard on the conversation at hand. And of course, don't talk about the affair… it only makes you feel bad.

Reminiscing about the past with your husband is a difficult one. You want to remember the good times, but not if they are all tied up with the bad ones. For now, I would say avoid those topics. I think you might find when you get farther along in recovery they may not be so triggering.

http://www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com/getinformed/QA/resentafterinf.html

Thanks for the great advice. I will go look there, it has been a long time. I will also consider finishing the conversation with my H. Thanks again.

Thanks TI! even tho it wasnt meant for me your post helped. I have that prob, when I start thinking about painful things I take it out on everyone around me.

K, do you know why he say's those kinds of things? Is it when you guys are talking about the A and he gets upset or just out of the blue he says "i made a mistake coming back to you"? I have got to admit if my H ever uttered anything like that it would crush me. And i dont handle crushed well. For some reason, when I see your posts I always remember you cause you seem like me. Right now my hair is 2 toned (bleached on top, brown underneath)but that wont last long. Also my H is kinda like yours in the fact that I can look good, dress cute, get my hair and nails done and he will not say one word about it, although everyone else will. He told me once that its because he doesnt want me getting a "big head". whats wrong with men anyway?

Like your hair that day?

KMEJ, you are a beautiful woman that any man would be proud to escort around town...

Trust me, I know beauty

Shelly- he says those things when he wants me to leave him alone, or hurt me, or when I do do what he wants or thinks I should do, he knows it is a trigger for me. I instantly either get angry or withdraw but either way he he won, because I either leave him alone, or he can turn the arguement around on me and say "See I knew you would never change". Either way he has won. I should proabably stop letting it get to me, and I have tried, but it has done me no good thus far. I try to convince myself that I am past my insecurities and past the anger and hurt, but in reality I think I am bitter, and I hate that.

Thanks RebornMan- that was very sweet to say. I hope all is going well for you!

Shelly3 and KMEJ-

Happy to help.

TI

TI- thanks again, I took your advise and it helped. H was pretty sweet about it too last night. Said he was just taken aback by hearing her name, and he claims it was not in good way.

Shelly I just saw your picture on line, we look somewhat alike....interesting.

Hi KMEJ,


If this is really his attitude, I would not be confiding in him. I wouldnt share my deepest emotional pains with a person who was that hostile towards me. Only friends deserve the honor of such trust.

I know that doesnt solve the larger problems. I know how hard it is to see good things happen to bad people. It's a simple feeling that the world should be more balanced. It's natural that OW's W would upset you; be sad then move on. You're still OK.

I hope you try to get out this weekend and do something fun with a friend. Something nice for yourself?? Please take care - Dru

K, i thought the same thing,(that we look somewhat alike) just didnt want to say it and be accused of being "vain" LOL. Thats an old picture of me tho. bout 3 years ago. I only used that one cause i remember how happy i was that day. ill have to see about adding one DD and I just took with my new multicolored hair.
with your fwh, it sounds like he's trying to get you to back off and boy does he know how to do that! why not try some of that reverse babble of Orchid's and just say "okay" or something and calmly go on about your business? That would probably make him stop and think about what he's saying to you.

Shelly- I would use the reverse babble however I do not really understand it.

I also went out on Friday and cut about 5 inches off my hair and put some strawberry blond in my usually naturally blond hair, just for fun. Now it is shoulder length- which of course my H thinks is too short, but oh-well, I did it pamper myself. I left it as long as I did because of him. I myself love the haircut that Reese Witherspoon had in Sweet Home Alabama...remember that one? Had it while h and I were seperated- drove him CRAZY that I would cut my hair when I knew he liked long hair. At that point he was in really deep with the OW so I decided to do it for me, and loved it. okay rambeling- [color:"purple"] [/color] sorry [color:"purple"] [/color]

I am having a real hard time at work as my blast from the past is a lot harder on me then I thought it would be, all these people that H and I and OW worked with when I found out about the A are all coming to my favoriate place to be to work (My serveing job)- I am taking a leave of absence anyway- but getting to that point, and letting these people that were my "friends" but did not tell me back in my life is way harder then I thought it would be. However some reaquaintences have been nice, and I have missed them. I just was not ready for that part of my life to come slamming back in my face. However can anyone run forever?

Okay I have stalled cleaning long enough- be back soon.