In the few past years I have caught my W either dressing the children in their bed before school or bathing them before they go to bed. The boys are 8-12 yrs or older, plenty old enoough to dress and bathe themselves, I think. She see's nothing wrong with this behavior but I think it's coddling and dont care to see that behavior. They have her figured out, if she wants them do do something in a hurry, they dont move untill she does it for them.

Am I wrong for refusing her to do this when I catch her at it?

Oh, BTW,up to the age of 6 she used to dress them in bed, wrap them in a blanket and carry them to the breakfast table, with their breakfast waiting for them.

Burrhead,

I take it that you've moved back home then? If so, how is that going? Do you follow through on your revelation about housework and begin helping out more?

Coddling is defined as "Treating with extreme care", so is it coddling, yes. Without knowing the full dynamics of the household, it's hard to say whether or not it's in any harmful to the boys. As a personal preference, I wouldn't bathe a 12yo.

However "Am I wrong for refusing her to do this when I catch her at it?"

Yes. It's one thing to work on issues together and quite another to dictate/mandate what goes on in the house. That will lead to resentments.

Thanks Lost:

You blew me away with "I take it that you've moved back home then". You do pay attention to ppls posts. Thanks.

No, I havnt moved back in, but I am there practically every day. Yes, I am helping out more.

We had a blow out last sunday. I had to work and never know when I will get home so I told her I will try to stop by when I get done working (thinking she would take this as sign that I wanted to spend some "alone time" with her.)

Well, I got there around 9pm and she was just getting back from her parents house. It was a school night and she should have been home long before that. Needless to say, my feelings were hurt.

We just cant communicate. We both fly off in tangents and get off subject and a convo turns into a shouting match. I have read most of "We Can Work It Out: How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage, and Strengthen Your Love for Each Other" and she is reading it in her spare time. We just need to impliment the skills into our talks. It is tougher than it sounds.

“””Yes, I am helping out more.”””

Good for you.

”””(thinking she would take this as sign that I wanted to spend some "alone time" with her.)”””

If she’s not a practicing fortune teller or palm reader then you are going to have to work a little better on expressing yourself. You are suggesting that she “think” a certain way, which is impossible and will lead to you placing unrealistic expectations on a thought you think she should have, which leads right back down the path of resentment alley.

”””Well, I got there around 9pm and she was just getting back from her parents house. It was a school night and she should have been home long before that. Needless to say, my feelings were hurt.”””

Ooopppsss too late, here comes that resentment from the unrealistic expectation. Yep, there it is. The fact that she was at her parents’ home is really of no value here. The fact that the kids were getting home at 9 isn’t the issue either. Tell me if I’m wrong, you had placed an expectation on how the evening was going to go based on your “hints”. Then you arrive at the house where you can instantly see that things aren’t going to manifest in the manner you envisioned and BAM, you are seeing red. Then the secondary thoughts come in “you should have been here earlier”, “the kids should have been in bed”, and “I’m not getting my way”. Then BOOOOM WWIII starts. Dude, I can totally relate but if what I’ve said is even remotely true then you brought that fight on all by your self. First you didn’t clearly and effectively communicate your desires. Then you made an [censored]-U-MPTION and placed an expectation in things working a certain way. And to top it all off, when things didn’t meet your unrealistic expectation you got outwardly PO’d and engaged in a silly fight probably about everything BUT what the solutions to y’alls problems are.

”””We just can’t communicate.”””

I disagree with that. You sound like a very intelligent capable person. And pretty much any person can communicate with anyone if they choose to do so. Effective communication begins with (1) active listening, (2) validating points and feelings, (3) not passing disrespectful judgments, and (4) not slinging around love busters. Four simple principles and you’re are on your way to effectively communicating. They aren’t always easy, but the principles are quite simple. On your other thread, you mentioned reading a whole bunch of books, good for you.

“””We both fly off in tangents and get off subject and a convo turns into a shouting match.”””

And how's that working for you? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. But the bottom line remains, if you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always got, because nothing ever changes if nothing ever changes. OK simple answer, STOP IT!!!!! Don’t fly off on tangents. Don’t engage in shouting matches. Don’t allow the conversation to take so many rabbit trails that you can’t find your way out of a conversation. How many times have you heard someone say “communication” is the key to marriage? I’ve heard it a million times and still truly believe it. This is one area where you can “force” your wife to change herself but it requires you first changing yourself. If you change how you communicate (don’t engage, don’t shout, don’t fly off) then she too is forced to change how she communicates with you. She doesn’t need to read it in a book or hear it on a video. When you show her through your actions a different way to communicate she will have no choice but to change.

You’ve spent quite a little bit of effort here talking about “her actions” but in my humble opinion you effort will be better served studying your actions and working on them. After you’ve done that for a while then look at her actions again, I’m willing to bet that they are different.

OK, I’ve rambled on long enough, let me leave you with a little saying to ponder “ [color:"red"]Expectations are nothing more than pre-meditated resentments [/color] ”.

Hugz, Thoughts, & Prayers

Lost;

You pegged me. And you are so right on this.

I am having probs(as others I'm sure) navigating around this site, but you probably read the post on The Proper Care...

Well, I dont know yet if it was the fact that she is applying the principles of that book, or the fact that my presence was so much of an EN to be at my sons First Communion ( which I had every intention of being at), that she invited me to stay the night last eve. Never the less, it went EXTREMELY well!

I am going to keep doing what I am doing at WILL get better at it. It will work.

You know Lost, I feel like you've taken my under your wing. And because of that I am getting watery eyes right now. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and probably always will. I guess you probably know how it feels to have a stranger relate to you, and I gotta say it feels good, thanks.

“””You pegged me. And you are so right on this.”””

Actually, all I did was see me like 12 years ago. So it’s pretty easy to relate when you’re looking in a mirror. I, myself, started on what would be a long journey after some revelations about myself that took me to a pretty good place in life.

”””that she invited me to stay the night last eve. Never the less, it went EXTREMELY well!”””

All I can say to that is please don’t let an “EXTREMELY” good night detour you from continuing to work on yourself. As a man, sometimes we place too much value on an “EXTREMELY” good night, which leads to us becoming comfortable with where we are and we relax on self-improvement. The problems are temporarily masked and them BOOM WW4.

”””I am going to keep doing what I am doing at WILL get better at it. It will work.”””

Good for you…

”””You know Lost, I feel like you've taken my under your wing. And because of that I am getting watery eyes right now.”””

Awww……. I’m honored. That’s really cool. Believe it or not, helping others from my experience, helps me more than you’ll ever know. So to that extent, thank you for sharing with me.

“””I guess you probably know how it feels to have a stranger relate to you, and I gotta say it feels good, thanks.”””

Yes, I do and it’s an amazing thing. Best of luck to you my brother.

Hugz, Thoughts, & Prayerz