will I ever find that again?! Will I ever want to that's not with him?

I want to talk to him and I called him to try, but he hung up on me, I think he was angry because I made him follow through with letting his daughter know about the separation.

Any ideas?

"Shannon" wrote:
This is what you focus on, out of everything else I've said... the restriction would not be necessary if there was trust, but that has been completely destroyed.

-----Original Message-----
From: WH
Sent: Tuesday, April 19, 2005 3:24 PM
To: BS
Subject: RE:


"if we tried to work things out would be so restrictive and confining that if you don't hate me already for what I "forced" you to do, you surely would"

There lies the problem. A marriage should not have to be restrictive

"Shannon" wrote:
I don't know what you're doing either, one sentence makes me feel like you still want me and you still want things to work out and the next makes me feel like you're extremely grateful to be rid of me. You say its painful for people to say that you left me for someone else, then why did you do it, why?

Trust is something that is extremely difficult to give and to rebuild after its been broken, but its one of the most delicate things in this life and its so easily broken - seems unfair that something so hard to build could fall apart so easily. I gave you myself, my trust and twice you shattered it. You've said it yourself so many times, that you can't be with someone that doesn't trust you, but I ask you this as your friend, not as your wife and not as your partner, but as your friend; what actions have you taken to ensure that trust is protected and nurtured? Would it be lies? Would it be deceit? Would it be secrecy? (there's a difference between secrecy and privacy and I respect your privacy, but I despise your secrecy). Would that be the anger that you lash out with because you don't like having to answer for yourself?

We want different things in a relationship, I thought we wanted the same things and believe me... you want pure emotion from me... I LOVE YOU, I [email]F@#$ING[/email] LOVE YOU and I want to be with you and I would love it if we could work things out, I want my life back and I've said that to you over and over and over again, and you reinforce it by telling me you're not in love with me anymore and saying repeatedly that we're done, we're done, we're done, its over, its over, its over and it doesn't matter anymore cause we're done; then telling me how horrible of a person and wife that I have been, suffocating and smothering you and insecure and all I talk about is myself and I'm selfish and never look into myself for any fault - yes all of these things reinforce the fact that there is no resolution. Nothing that you've done or said in the last couple weeks other than agreeing to go to marriage counseling has made me think that you want to work things out, and yet you did that on the premise of a lie. Do I want to believe you, yes I do - more than I could ever explain, I want to! Can I? No, not right now and I don't know if I'd ever be able to trust you like that; the kind of relationship that we'd have if we tried to work things out would be so restrictive and confining that if you don't hate me already for what I "forced" you to do, you surely would. I want to be married to someone that always considers my feelings and does what he can to protect those feelings. I want to be married to a man that would not do something behind my back that he knew would upset, hurt or damage me should I ever find out. I thought I had that in you.

I'm sorry if I was curt on the phone, I just saw that you'd called and saw the msg so I called, I didn't listen to it until after we'd spoken so I really do hope everything is ok because I do care.

-----Original Message-----
From: WH
Sent: Tuesday, April 19, 2005 2:15 PM
To: BS
Subject: RE:


What is it that you want me to say because whatever I say you won't believe. You want me to explain the time from Friday morning? I could but you wouldn't believe me right?

I love you so much and it is so painful for people to say that I left you for someone else.

I don't even know what it is that I'm doing because nothing that I say or do will bring you back right?

All of my hopes and dreams have been crushed as well.

Thank you for sounding like you gave a damn about what I called you for!!!!

"Shannon" wrote:
Being faithful to someone should not be something you do because someone asked you to do it, and whether you want to admit it or not, whether you had sex with someone else or not, you still were unfaithful to me. With all the lies and all of the manipulations that you've put me through, just in the last 3 weeks. You know these are the same things that you said to me 3 years ago and yet you were doing things on the side then. You used to say to me when we got back together that you made your bed and now you have to lie in it, then it turned into why do you need to know, that's none of your business. What part of marriage and two becoming one does not make sense? Everything that you do affects me, EVERYTHING, because even if I don't know about it, it changes a part of you.

One of your arguments over the last few weeks has been that I knew who I was marrying, Yes you're right and so did you, you made me promises that you refused to keep and that you consciously schemed and plotted to do. You lied to me repeatedly, but you don't want to see that as being unfaithful and untrue in the marriage even though when we got back together I asked you to please not try unless you could give all of yourself to me and be completely open and honest. Things were so great for so long and then since we got back from our honeymoon things started to change; they were slight at first and I thought it was just because of year-end with work but then things started spiraling out of control. You want to claim that you never cheated on me, yet a promise that you made to me about calling only me beautiful was broken regularly, you just forwarded me an e-mail from Kjerstin last week that you'd sent her before any of this came up where you'd called her beautiful... and yet you used that in one of your accusations against me, saying that you never say that to anyone else. I thought we were gonna work things out and you said that you would end your friendship with Michelle, yet YOU WERE AT HER HOUSE, lights off, 5 minutes to get to the door, she never shows her face and you ask me what I'm doing there.

I wanted to work things out and I would have done anything to do that, I'm really not surprised that you didn't show today at the counseling, but I was hoping that you would; I don't know why, but I was hoping. You say that I never want to admit any fault, but the truth is every time you point the finger at me I've looked within myself to see if there was anything wrong with what I did or what I asked. Whether FRIEND or LOVER, you CHOSE Michelle over me AGAIN!!!! When you went to her house on Friday morning you CHOSE HER, when that was the LAST person you should have gone to talk to.

You always seem so worried about what other people think, this is the same as last time as well; yet if you really talk to any of those people they probably don't know anything at all. You are pushing every one away with your anger. Your mother, father and sister have all called me and you know what I told each of them, I haven't lashed out and berated you, I've said you need to talk to him about what's going on I don't think its right coming from me. Whoever you've been hearing from via e-mail at work has either seen it or has heard it from someone else. I don't need to be right and I don't need to embellish the facts of what happened, they speak for themselves. I have not told anyone that I caught you in bed with another woman, I haven't told anyone that you were having a sexual affair with someone, anyone that I have clued in on what is going on knows about the text msg and knows about friday morning, just as I did, they can connect the dots.

You say you don't consider us friends after this, FINE, close me out of one other part of your life... its funny to me that you felt so closed off being with me, I wouldn't let you have female friends and having me as your best and only close female friend was the most awful fate in the world, yet look at where life has turned.

"All of that holding out and being good for what .... for you to think that the person that I did have sex with is the last person I ever would have considered when we were together." This is just great for you to say this... I'm sure she's already taken over her spot on my side of the bed, that's where she always wanted to be. Holding out, being good... was it really that hard to do? This is the saddest thing for me and one of the most hurtful, is that it was a conscious effort for you to be faithful, you had to try, when as my husband it shouldn't have even been a second thought.

"But it doesn't matter right? As long as you appear to be the one that was slighted and discarded right? It doesn't matter how I feel or what I needed or what I felt was forced on me right?"

I don't CARE what people think, tell them whatever you want, I DID NOT LEAVE YOU, YOU CHOSE. You felt forced? Then fine, you should feel good now because you're not forced anymore, now you don't have to be married to me anymore and you can do whatever and whoever you want. What you needed, what you needed; you needed to have an inappropriate friendship despite its effect on our marriage/relationship.

People are e-mailing you that you've hurt me, well you have, repeatedly, with your actions and your words, you've destroyed all the love in my heart and you've trampled it, you discarded the most precious gift I could have given you, everything that was me, my dreams, my love, my hopes; you discarded it like it was nothing. You betrayed me. From the moment you kicked me when I was down and called me a drama queen because my whole world had just come crashing down. How many other lies have you told me, Good GOD I don't even want to know because I need something to hold onto, some element of truth, I need to believe that our whole relationship wasn't a lie, and that at some point it was good.

I'm trying to pick up the pieces of what used to be my life, thank you for making that a little bit easier with your anger and your manipulation.

I meant what I said, I do love you, although this last couple days has really bankrupted my love account for you, I do still love you and I want you to be happy; I have not been vindictive or snide or untruthful in anything that I've said or done; although this e-mail comes close. I really am sorry if I've come across nasty in this, but I really just need to say these things to you, and hopefully you'll listen, but if not then what can I do, right?

-----Original Message-----
From: WH
Sent: Tuesday, April 19, 2005 12:36 PM
To: BS
Subject:


You know what pisses me off the most ... it's that I have NEVER tried to be more faithful to somebody than I was with you and STILL it bit me in the [censored]. I think of all of the times that I could have had a little play on the side and I never did. We're talking in AZ, in San Diego in Sacramento and I always stayed faithful to you because you asked me to be and you were worth the effort. All of that holding out and being good for what .... for you to think that the person that I did have sex with is the last person I ever would have considered when we were together.

Now, I'm treated as if I did something wrong. Nobody talks to me at the paper now and I get glares from people whenever I'm there. Now, I'm getting e-mails from Pro, from people I thought were my friends saying some pretty mean things and accusing me of hurting you. But it doesn't matter right? As long as you appear to be the one that was slighted and discarded right? It doesn't matter how I feel or what I needed or what I felt was forced on me right?

So thank you for all of that but PLEASE do not send me jokes or pictures as if we're friends. We are not and I do not see us being friends after this!!!