You went too far posting messages to and private messaging my wife. You didn't help matters any for ME, and certainly not for her.
I'm standing in her apartment right now as she is furious over your communications with her today, and I am furious too. This made things worse for both of us.

We're supposed to be in NC to heal ourselves and maybe each other, and this set us back.

I am officially leaving MB forever. I left once before because your advice seemed to inflexible and "cult-ish" - I came back to say "I think I'm on the right track."

I should not have done so.
Goodbye folks, I wish you well.

I am a semi-regular reader here, and a seldom poster...but I recognize your name as being one that has been here for a bit of time, yes?

I'm not sure who TMCM is, nor does it matter if I know. I also don't know if the PM's you refer to were inappropriate...guessing they were???

But, what is important is for you to look back at your OVERALL experience on this board. Infidelity is a train wreck, that has us reeling trying to find our equilibrium. A support group, such as this (or others, there are some good ones) can be an invaluable tool to healing.

So, if this incident is isolated, and if your "cultish" comment was more a reaction to TMCM's PM's to your wife, then I hope you reconsider leaving. But, if you do leave, I hope that you find another board to assist you on those rough days.

I wish you and your wife well in your healing.

VenusMars.

Infidelity is a tough thing to handle. Life is tough by itself. But keep it in perspective. My buddy that's helping me is about to be diagnosed with cancer. I think your problem is still fixable. Some things are not. Be thankful you have a chance to fix your problem and continue on, with or without this site.

I told my wife, I would be happy with or without her. I think it will be better with her for me and the boys, but take a breath and address your immediate problem.

One thing common about this site is that their are lots of people in pain and seeking advice or consolation.

Whatever TMCM said or did, don't let it get in the way of your goal for you and your wife to find love with each other. Either here or somewhere else.

SIS

VM,

I am a regular poster at loveshack.org, so when I went to check out the threads over there, guess who I found copied and pasted my post to your thread? Your WW. Now you may be right that I went too far with my statements to her and for that you have my sincerest apologies.

I find it very interesting that you use the same term that your WW used to described MB: 'cultish'. Is it 'cultish' because MB calls it like it is and makes no bones about the fact that an ongoing affair is the most cruelest, thoughtless, and selfish act that a spouse can commit against the other?

For what it's worth VM, I also hope that you and your WW achieve some peace whether it is together as a couple or as individuals. Good luck.

TMCM

I am having a hard time understanding why you/your WW term MB as cultish, it's addictive maybe but cultish?

And as far as being rigid, in the chaotic and devastating world of infidelity, rigidity is necessary. Atleast the rigidity of Plan B. And if you had gone to Plan B when advised, done it by the book and stuck to it, this chaos you are still experiencing would have been well on it's way to ended by now instead of still being fueled by the drama.

There can be no grey areas when dealing with infidelity because of the nature of the beast.

And in defense of coffeeman, someone who I have a great deal of respect for, someone who has devoted much time to talking with you regarding your sitch, I think you are over-reacting.

I see nothing wrong with what he did. Agreed it would upset your WW as she is still trying to justify her behavior. This just gives her one more thing to place blame on, one more little drama episode to keep you two playing your game.

It's sad really Vnus because you keep letting yourself be sucked into her unhealthy reality.

Toomuchcoffeeman was just trying to get you to see all this, and I know his intentions are only the best.

We hate infidelity on this board, because we see and have lived the enormous destruction to lives that it brings. This is a place where those who are trying to survive it and find a way out of it are given a plan that makes sense, that works and that gives the betrayed (and the betrayor) a map. And that plan must be very concise and even rigid because everything else is out of control.

Your WW hates anything that questions her and calls her on her affair behavior. Completely typical of someone active in an affair and trying to justify it.

I have noted that the people who find MB too strict or 'cultish' are the peple unprepared to invoke its principles.

To implement them in part won't work.

An automobile with 3 wheels it is not 75% as effective as a car with 4 wheels. It is 100% defective.

A Plan b with some 'justifiable' contact is not almost as effective as a planB without any contact.

NC with an occasional 'closure' call is not almost as effective as a total NC.

MB doesn't actually mandate much but it DOES mandate hard uninstinctive stuff.

I can't comment if TMCMs involvement was too invasive or not.

But your plan B is not a plan B. Don't blame the recipe for making your pie inedible, if you didn't follow it fully.

All blessings.


In MB terms 99% adherence is close, but no cigar.

I agree with you Bob.

I also keep thinking that those who want to stay caught up in the throes of all the drama and chaos, do so out of fear. The fear that when there is no more drama/chaos and life returns to a calm, productive kind of normalcy that there won't be enough love (love, passion, devotedness) to sustain the relationship.

Because of a response 2long and others gave regarding fear being the main factor in another sitch, I have been giving this quite a bit of thought. Both in regards to my own life and some sitch's here.

I think I kept the drama in my relationship going for a long time because I was afraid. Afraid that without it there would be nothing left, and maybe nothing even in the first place. I see some simularities in your sitch Vnus (if you are still reading).

Relationships born of lies and the destruction of others seem frought with this type of fear based behavior.

Venus - this much I do know about TMCM - he would NEVER have a one-on-one PRIVATE communication with your wife. I have seen him warn people on this board who were both vulnerable from their own situations, when e-mail addresses were posted, he would warn them to have no private communications between males and females.

People are congruent. TMCM is also congruent and wouldn't violate that for any reason, not even to try and set your wife straight.

So remember - wayward spouses embellish, stretch the truth and other wise LIE. You've been manipulated out of Plan B again. Deal with the truth instead of the lie you want to believe will unite you with your wife.

Well,...TMCM's "Send me a private message" feature IS enabled on loveshack.org where vnus's W is posting, (as is hers) so the possiblity DOES exist that private messages could have been exchanged.

I believe that feature is disabled on MB which is probably a good idea.

ba109,

Thank you for pointing out that the 'Send me a private message' feature was enabled on my loveshack.org account, for I have now disabled it [I should have checked it after I created my account there]. In any case, KaylaAndy is absolutely correct that I would never have a one-on-one communication with VM's wife or for that matter any other woman. I am a married man and I'm not arrogant enough to beleive that I'm inmune to the destructiveness of that kind of communication with ANY woman aside from my W.

TMCM

TMCM,

You are welcome. Often times that feature is set "on" by default. I think the default should be just the opposite.