alright, he brought dd and i some food, then left. so after i dropped ow off at her house i came back here. he said why did you do that? i said i wanted to see what he would say. would he back me up or her? i said i just dont understand. and btw, ow is a DOG! i cant believe it! she's fat, covered in zits, and very short. well anyways, long story short i told him i couldnt deal with everything that happened, i mean they just had s 2 days ago! he tells me please lay down with me, its done now, i just needed to "find myself". and i said oh, you didnt find yourself before this day huh? not before you made me give up my job and my life and move all the way over here. he sid i love you, i cant live without you, and i said i dont think theres anymore forgiveness in here and i left. i went to my moms and broke down and told her the whole humiliating story. i said mom, please i need to come home. she said to really think about what i want and then decide, but if i wnted to of course i could come back. i tried to sleep but couldnt so i came back here. H woke up put his arms around me and went to sleep, but i didnt. i've been thinking all night. this morning we had the talk. also i think i fractured my foot when i kicked in the tv. i can barely walk on it. he started out by cleaning up the house that i wrecked yesterday, and while he was rubbing down my foot with ben gay, he says babe, you cant leave me. please give me second chance.(this would be about the 17th chance right?)he said im glad you did that brought her here and let her stand next to you cause i see she cant compete with you and there was no contest, i love you. i listened kinda blankly.i dont feel anything. sometimes tears pour down my face but i dont feel anything, just shock. i was honest with him, i told him i dont know how i feel, i dont know anything right now. when my head clears ill let you know. he continued with the i love you's and please you'll see, things are going to be different, let me prove it to you, just give me that chance. he then gave me all his access codes for cell phones and all that.i dont know i cant think straight.

Holy mackeral. I just finished reading your thread...

{{{shelly}}}

My 2nd D-Day was just recently too, so I can really relate.

If you can get away for a few days... that might not be such a bad idea. Mom's sounds great (is it great?) just to let your thoughts settle some.

Take a week or so before you make any MAJOR decisions one way or the other...

Just get yourself to a safe place for a while.

Take care,

dewt

Oh, by the way, nice move with the OW. Too bad he failed the test. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

failed? he told her he wanted to be with me. i know he was lying to me when he called ow a liar, but i just wanted HER to see what a liar he is.

Shelly,
Just read through your thread. How's it going? Are you OK?
Keep strong.
S

im numb right now. no feelimgs, no pain, nothing. i dont know what i want to do. h says i need to stay here so he can show me that hes changing and how much he loves me and that he cant do that unless i stay here and not gom to my moms

sleepless,
didnt mean to make it look like i was ignoring anyone. no the tv wasnt cheap. 6,000 to be exact. i told him i thought my heart and piece of mind was worth more than 6,000$.he came back again to bandage up my foot. if its not any better tomorrow, i think ill see a dr.

Ya, that's what I meant. I'm writing to you as an ex-wayward and forgive me if I speak straight with you. I used to call that 'That's my story and I'm sticking to it' syndrome. It's when the man (or woman) is totally backed up against the wall, no way out, no time to think. Ya just stick to your story and deny, deny, deny. Now, on the other hand, you got OW who's obviously figured out where hubby's gonna be sleeping tonight, so she's gonna be pis.. er... upset. Who knows who's telling the truth?

To earn points in my book, all your H had to do was tell the darn truth. Me, personally, I can forgive just about anything if the person is truly sorry. And part of being really sorry is repentance. And the bottom line on repentance is coming clean. Without that? I don't even hear the words. They're empty. With that? I'll give as many chances as you need to get it right.

And of course your H wants you to stay there. He fully realized just how sunk his boat really is. You leave and alluva sudden he has no idea what's going on. Total limbo except for the repeating thought of , "Omigod,omigod,omigod..." You stay and he can shower you with affection and talk about it and hopefully talk you down so he doesn't lose everything.

I dunno. I wouldn't have posted if I didn't think there was something there. Without really knowing your story, and especially without knowing your H, it almost seems silly to say but I think he's 'saveable'. I just get the impression he doesn't really 'get it' yet.

I remember pretty much the exact moment I 'got it'. And before this, I might have reacted exactly as your husband did. The year is 1999, right before Dylan and I first joined MB. It was a little bit after D-day. (The first D-day being an extremely watered down version of the truth) And the lid was blown off my cover by some post A correspondance. (OW blasting me via email for ending the affair)

Well, instead of freaking out, Dylan let me know we'd be talking about 'something' later, after our son was asleep. Not being a complete idiot, I figured my cover was blown. I sweated and when I discovered the email in question, I really sweated. Total fear. Total disaster. The only consolation was that I'd have time to prepare an alternative approach to the old 'stick to the story' routine.

Come talk time, Dylan says, "Take off your clothes."

Blink. blink.

"Take off your clothes."

You can just imagine what I'm thinking here... is she going to 'reclaim me'?... Is she going to launch at me and scratch my.. er.. eyes out?... She's not taking off her clothes...

So, obviously I'm not really sure what to do here. None of the preparations I'd come up with during the day covered this contingency...

"But I'll be naked," I meekly managed...

Now I know that's kind of lame. But you gotta understand my position here. I'm in deeeeep sh*t, here (and you must pardon the language, but it's about the best way to put it) and I know it... and her eyes were soooo cold....

"If you want even the slightest chance of remaining married to me, you will take off all your clothes and get on that bed. Now."

That's paraphrasing it. I don't remember the exact words, but they were as cold and deadly serious as her eyes and I didn't know what was going to happen and I'll tell you that so help me God, the LAST thing in the WORLD I wanted to to was get naked.

And the following silence was an eternity.

And I swear I nearly peed myself but I slowly undressed down to my underwear and got onto the bed.

She said nothing. Just looked at me.

I took off my underwear.

"Now," she said, "You are going to tell me everything. Everthing."

And I spilled. Sitting there naked while she sat, fully clothed, in a chair across the room. I don't remember the details of the conversation, so much. I was as honest as I could be; meaning I held nothing back but I was just a little frantic and in total shock. There was, of course still lots of details that came out afterwards. I answered questions for months, and was never resentful about it. (largely because I got to keep my clothes on)

Anyway that was a major major major turning point for me. I'm not suggesting that you have your husband strip down and confess. (And if you do, well for crying out loud, don't tell him I gave you the idea)

I'm just sharing some experience that may or may not be relevant to you.

Take care,

dewt

thanks dewt. he did tell me some things this morning, he admitted to s with her 2 days ago.he says he doesnt know why he did it and that he didnt "finish"? if you get the drift?(yeah, like that makes me feel better) he did tell me some things, mostly that he's relieved its over with, and he showed me his cell to show me she was the one constantly calling him. who do i believe? no one but myself. he says how am i gonna believe her when i could see how hurt she was and she probably wanted to hurt me and him as much as possible. plausible. oh and when it was the first dd i got a watered down version of the truth too. i had no idea it was as involved as it was. theres things she told me that he admitted to me when she was gone that was true. he says he didnt want to "disrespect me"(HA!!) in front of her by giving any credence to what she said in front of me.maybe im wrong but im glad that she got to see how far he would go for me and that he said she was a liar. couldnt have helped the A now could it? Dewt, thanks for posting , i always wanted to get a xws's point of view. your observations are very much appreciated.

Yep. I remember that one too.

I sincerely hope your H starts to 'get it', and that this works out for you.

dewt

Wow Shelly, u really took the high road. U know what this means? U now have taken your life back into your hands and get to call the shots.

Is that a bad thing? Not IMHO. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> The WS now has to earn your trust back. Yea, he wants to sweeten you up so that you can return things to normal, when it s/b him doing the brunt of the recovery work.

So now, what is your plan? What have you discussed with the Xws? What has he committed to doing to return himself to a valued H? U have to be made to feel comfortable about this by him not for him.

L.

Shelly_3 - From what I have read, Dewt has it summed up about right in the above quotation from his post to you.

I hear a lot of "deer caught in the headlights" panic and indecision from your husband, but that's not the same thing as repentance. I hear your husband panicking about what HE might lose, what his lying, poor choices, and adultery, might cost HIM....but I hear precious little about his being willing to "die" for you, to place you and your needs ahead of HIS selfishness and self-centeredness.

The two of you (you and the OW) standing next to him is like the headlights of two cars coming from opposited directions catching him at the curve in the road....he's temporarily "frozen, unable to decide what to do, his beady little eyes just reflecting back the light of TRUTH shining all over him as he is DISCOVERED in the underbrush of lies and deceit next to the road of life.

Shelly_3 - It's no wonder that you are "numb." Just about all of us have felt that feeling when the lies are finally expose.

So what to do next? Joint Marital Counseling is essential. You are going to need a trained person, who believes in saving marriages, to both guide you through the beginning of recovery AND to hold you both accountable for truth, honesty, and DOING what is needed no matter how either of you might "feel" about doing what needs to be dong.

Your husband has to understand that NO contact with the OW, for the rest of his life, is the CONSEQUENCE and the MINIMUM that he MUST do. There is NO room for a second woman in your marriage....period. He gets ONE, or NONE, of you, but not both. YOU need to establish your Boundaries (No Contact being one of them) and decide what the "penalty" or "consequence" will be if those Boundaries are violated in the future. Remember, Boundaries are "those things that YOU will not allow someone else to to TO you."

If you are a person of faith, then there are other things related to obeying God and performing the roles of husband and wife that need to be addressed as well.

Shelly_3 - At least begin with reading 2 books, Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley and Torn Asunder by Dave Carder.

Apply all the principles you learn here about Emotional Needs and that both of you need to be focusing on meeting each other's needs FIRST, not on getting your own needs met.

One last thought that might hurt and might add a little clarity...the OW was being lied to also. SHE was reacting sort of like a BS and refusing to "give up," to "fight for 'her man'." NOW she has asked the friend who knows both of you and NOW she has stood by his bed and heard for herself the "naked truth." I'd guess you husband has "burned that bridge" and he knows it. It's part of why he's panicking about what HE might lose.

He needs to get to the repentance stage. That's remorse over what HE did, conviction that it was a sin and grossly wrong, a decision to turn 180 degrees away from that sin, and to seek God's forgiveness and your forgiveness. He needs to DO what is necessary to regain your love and your trust....and it's going to take a lot of time. He needs to commit to enduring for as long as it takes.

Shelly, I am so sorry for what you're going through. Think for a minute about what Dewt wrote to you. About the strength and utter certainty that Dylan showed.

Dewt, man you must've been cold.

Dylan, you are one cool girl. I wish I'd done that. Next time, I think I will. (Yes, I know. There will never be a next time. But there'll be something similar.)

i Still have no feelings, none. I think I prefer feeling like this than the gutwrenching pain I remember all too well. i had written in my second post on this thread that ow's and my aquaintece told me that ow called her and all that crap, right? well, she's been covering up for my H the whole time! When i found that refund check from a hotel in the mail at my house and i snapped, he had her call me to tell me he rented the room for her! all lies. when i asked his best friend her boyfriend if i was wasting my time with H should i just give up and to please tell me the truth, guess what? more lies. when ow asked h's friends mom ,her own cousin, was it true my H had filed for D from me, cousin said yes that she went with him to serve me. My head spins with all the lies he and they told. what the Hell is wrong with these people? How can people sleep at night knowing that they are no good liars and homewreckers? well, i finally feel something, i feel sick.

Shelley,

I know that I am relatively new here, but I think I can help, having once walked in your shoes. If you want the OW out of your life, you must not drag her back into it! Honey, I know that it's hard ... you want to know the truth, and you deserve that truth. But you also deserve to hear it from your H. One day - maybe not now, definitely not now - he will be ready to tell you. You can encourage this by calming down and allowing these issues to settle. No one, man or woman, wants to be with someone who is bouncing off the wall with anger. I think back to some of my own actions when I found out H was having an A, and I think, "My God, no wonder he ran to her - look at how I behaved!" My anger and vitriol and finger-pointing pushed him right back into her arms. All I needed to do was take a big step back.

Secondly (and this is a bitter pill to swallow), you will find out - at least for now - that people tend to side with the wrong party. What I found out, in my own case, that most of these people came around and saw that my exH was in the wrong. As long as I was, again, bouncing off the walls with anger, they didn't blame my H for the A and even encouraged and shielded it. People do not understand the dynamics of an A until they are in it themselves.

Please ... calm down and let go of your anger. I know it's hard. What I did was join a gym and started working out - running, lifting weights, taking aerobics classes. This helped release the aggression, and I was taking care of myself at the same time.

Take care of yourself, and peace.

I don't remember being cold. I do however remember feeling very hot, but I was still shaking and trembling pretty much through the whole thing. I have never, ever felt so naked, ever.

And yes, Dylan is pretty much the coolest chick in the world. Scary, sometimes, but cool.

And Shelly, gal, remember that this too shall pass. Let the immediate trauma abate somewhat so you can think a little more clearly. Then we can work on a plan to deal with all this. For now, just get through the next few days. Pamper yourself, bubble baths, etc... (I feel so odd giving this kind of advice so I'm gonna quit while I'm ahead. You know what I'm trying to say, anyways)

Out of curiousity, have you given any thought to spending 3-4 days with Mom?

John

i think most here will agree i didnt drag ow into my life, my h put her there. I wanted to let her confront him with me so there would be no more of this he says one thing to me and the other to her.As for my anger, who's angry now? im calm as can be. I cant honestly say i even want this marriage anymore.I dont regret a single one of my actions the other day. maybe messing up my foot, but thats it. I refuse to be lied to and treated like dog crap. Theres consequences for lying and cheating with me. I will be damned if im going to live in a Jerry springer episode anymore. I think its time to leave.

Sending U an {{{{{MB Hug}}}}}..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

U r now putting that clear mind, calm heart stuff to work. Good for U! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Now where are you with your plan?

Using the OW has had it's effect. Now what is ahead for you?

L.

Hey Orchid, whats new? Well I think Dewt was absolutely right when he said my H doesnt "get it" yet. I asked H where was the bracelet that ow gave back to him, and he answered too quickly ,I sold it. Yeah right, he thinks im stupid. all that aside, i think he's in withdrawal and he's none too pleasant to be around. and that withdrawal is actually p-ing me off again. I want to leave. At least I think I do, why is it I walk out the door, get all the way to my moms and turn around and come back here? I mean I look at him when he's sleeping and think "man, wheres all the love i used to have for you?" That feeling that you would do anything for that person and know he would do anything for you? I feel comforted somehow laying in his arms. Now when im writing this i finally felt my first sharp pain. I was wondering when it would be back. excuse me, i have to go cry now.

Awww... Shelly... so sorry you are going through all this... sorry also that I know all too well how you feel.

So you've thought about spending some time at your Mom's? What happened... why'd you back out? (Would DD be staying with you or him?) I think the rest could really do you some good and I think he maybe needs some time to think about how thin the ice really is.


I thought I was the only one who did this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I still have lots of love left for my W. Truth be told, lately I've been really wishing that I didn't. If I didn't I wouldn't have to be living with this overwhelming sense of rejection. I wish that I could just walk away... I really just wish my W was repentant. I feel she regrets having the affair, but only because it was an affair. I don't think she's really bothered by all the pain it's put me through. She holds me largely responsible for all this mess and there has been a steady theme of 'blame dewt'. She definitely hasn't shown any desire to make amends. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Oh, what are we going to do?

I think it's my turn to go and cry.

dewt

i'm still here at my house. I dont know why im unable to go to my moms. I get there, go in, and cant sleep, so i come back here. I've been trying to face some very hard truths lately about my H, things i havent wanted to acknowledge but what choice do I have? my H has always tried to control me. He will use any ,means necessary to get me to do what he wants. As i've gotten a little older, i've started to be a little more independent, do what I wanted. And when i stopped listening to every word H has said along comes ow. And from the things she told me, he controls her too.according to her, she has to stay in the house, cant see her friends and relatives, and has to see only him. this all sounds really familiar to me. He uses love, lies , and gifts to get us to do what he wants.why is it im only now realizing this? why not 10 years ago? I could have saved myself a lot of heartbreak. Why cant I leave? I dont know whats holding me back. He couldnt trap me anymore with pretty words and gifts so he moves me & dd to the other side of the city, makes me quit my job & leave everything behind. I really wish I would have figured this all out earlier. I wonder bdoes he even love anyone but himself? He swore on our dd's life that he wasnt with me. I dont know, im just thinking out loud, wondering what to do.