Hello. I am very sad right now, which is why I turned to this board. I don't have another living soul to talk to who would listen or understand.

I am familiar with the Harley principles, having tried to apply them six years ago, when my DH (we are divorced) was in an A at that time. I eventually ended up leaving because I felt that I'd never get over the pain of it. Let's just say that my exH wasn't a repentent spouse and didn't treat me well during his A. It was a very messy situation that alienated my exH from our friends and most importantly, my family and parents, who I am very close to. What made it difficult was that this was the love of my life, and I thought we'd never be parted. I know that most of you know this feeling, I don't have to explain. I could forgive, I just couldn't seem to forget and move past it. Or maybe I just didn't give it enough time.

I lived on my own for a few years during and after the D, and then met a wonderful man who I respected and trusted. My family was wild about him, and I felt a great deal of affection for him - at the time, I thought this was love. But now I feel it was rebound love. We are now married, and I know in my heart that it was a mistake. I even felt that it was a mistake the day that I said my vows to him. I talked to several people about it beforehand, including my own mom, and expressed my doubts. But my friends and family kept telling me how lucky I was to land such a nice, handsome, caring man, how it was too late to back out, etc., etc. What should have been the best day of my life, my second chance at love, was a nightmare.

I'm now living in a horrible, small town in a very harsh climate with new H, without a career, activities to keep me occupied, or family and friends to talk to. H is not a bad person, in fact he's a very good, decent person, one of the best people I know. I cannot say one bad thing about him. But there are some enormous differences between us (such as our religious beliefs and our relationship with family) that will never be resolved. I do not have contact with my exH except when it's necessary to discuss legal matters (we still own property together), and only then via email. But I think about him constantly. I think about how our spiritual beliefs were essentially the same. I think about how we used to make major decisions together - how it would have never crossed his mind to make huge, unilateral decisions that would affect my life so profoundly. I think about how we shared the same taste in movies, restaurants, activities, travel ... how our ideology of child-rearing was the same. I remember all the fun we had together before his A, and all of the wonderful, kind things he did for me. I remember how hard he tried to make things up to me, maybe not the way I wanted, but in his own way. In my heart, my exH is still my true H. I would do anything to be back with him, in our old home.

I take 100% responsibility for getting myself into this situation. I fully acknowledge my every wrong, weak, unjustifiable action. I know that what I've done is horrible in a way that's beyond words. I just don't know how to get myself out of it, or if I even should. One part of my argues that it's my mistake, and I should live with it at any cost. And yet another part argues that I deserve to be happy, and my now-H deserves someone who loves him, too.

I don't know what to do.

D,

I don't have much experience but I've read and read and read. I don't think you'll like what I'm going to say.It sounds to me that you are having an emotional affair with your ex H. What you describe is exactly what many have said about the way an A starts, with the particularity that the OM is your exH. Try to look at it from this perspective.

You are now married and have made a committment to your husband. Have you read HNHN? Are you in IC or can you get it?

I think you have to fall in love with your husband and forget your Ex. As you know Dr. Harley says it is possible as long as you CHOOSE to.

Hope some of this helps but wiser people are sure to come along. Keep posting, you will get great advice.

Hello damascena,

Welcome to MB.

Well,after reading your story,I would say that you need to have a deep discussion with your current H.Afterall,if you cannot speak openly and honestly with your own spouse,who can you with? He needs to know how you are feeling despite the fact it may hurt him.You can tell him what is going on inside in a calm and respectful way but there is no point in hiding the truth.The alternatives are,for example, to continue to hide your feelings sinking deeper into despair or maybe end up as a WS trying to solve marital problems by getting involved with someone else.Neither of which are appropriate actions by any means.

There may be a lot you can do to change your circumstances but only partly so until you tell your H how you are feeling.Give him a chance to help,if he can.

Next,I would say that you are romaticizing,need I remind you,your CHEATING exH.You may have shared quite a bit in similar interests but all that got completely blown out of the water when he took a major turn and cheated on you.There are no more values and beliefs to consider there.It sounds like he never made ammends and to go back now and wish that you were back with all that is I think,due to your sadness.The past and what could'a beens are strong derailers but look at what happened and then ask yourself again if you REALLY want to back with a man like that.

Things may not be turning out quite like you planned and it's not unreasobale for someone such as yourself to go back and revisit the old times and wonder.But you made a choice to leave your cheating H at the time and you have to accept that.Same as the decision to marry again.The question is: what now? How can YOU make changes in your life to be happy again? If I may say so,this isn't about making a "mistake" in marrying your current H.It was your choice so I would not hurt your H that way by saying it was a mistake.I would suggest that you try to work on figuring out what state the marriage is in and how to best solve the problems in it.Perhaps your H has a few issues himself that need to be addressed.Perhaps by implementing the Harley principles together in your marriage it can be better than ever.

Listen,don't be fooled by notions that are unrealistic.I thought my STBXWH was the love of my life too.But if he truly was,he would not have hurt me terribly.

Talk to your H.The grass isn't any greener elsewhere and the stats for marriages that end up D'd after the first marriage fails increases dramatically.Do try to make this one work before you end up D'd again.

Much luck to you~

O

I can certainly relate to your problem. I'm in the same boat, but I'm playing the part of your current husband. My wife never let go of two previous relationships she had before marrying me. She only dated these men but believes the last one is now her "true love". After 10 years married to me, she had an affair with someone who brought back that feeling of love for her.

Her is the problem we had that you can avoid. I'm a wonderful man too. I'm a great husband in many ways. But I was not meeting some emotional needs that she has. When she told me how unhappy she was and still had love for her previous boyfriend, I got defensive and hurt. No man wants to hear his wife he loves is in love with someone else.

While I agree you need to tell him your feelings, you need to frame it so that your husband thinks there's hope for him. He needs to know that you want to have those feelings for him because you think he is such a wonderful man. He needs to know that you want to find that special relationship with him.

Keep in mind that your husband cannot compete with your fantasy view of your ex-Husband. You said it. He treated you badly, and had an affair. That relationship is over no matter how much you regret that choice. The good news is that I think you can have those wonderful feelings about your current husband. If he's as wonderful as you say, he'll want that for you too.

I'm hoping right now, I can show my wife that she can have those feelings for me.

His Needs Her Needs sounds like a good book to me.

Go forward and God Bless <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for all of your input. I agree with you in particular, Octobergirl, in that I am romanticizing my M to my exH. It's easy to see the good when you're out of the bad. And I don't kid myself that we could ever be together again happily. He's moved on with his life (as far as I know), and because I love him more than I do myself, I wish only for his happiness. Even if that means I'm not in the picture.

The problem with current H is that I was never in love with him, nor did I love him in the way I loved my exH. There are two huge issues that prevented me from falling in love with H. One, he does not believe in God. Secondly, he is estranged from his family and does not understand why I am close to mine. He finds it odd that we talk on the phone so much and that I spent so much time with them when we lived in the states. Both of my parents are elderly and ill, and now that we live a country away, and I have not been able to visit them, even though my father's been in the hospital twice. I am the only child, they have no other family. My H is planning our vacation - to visit friends in the states! It seems only logical that if we're going to the states, we should be visiting my family, not friends. I don't even begin to know how to tell my parents that we're coming to the states but will not be visiting them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I can do everything I can to get my current H to meet my "needs," but when all is said and done, he still will not believe in God, nor will he ever "get" my bond with my parents. I don't think he's an evil person for not believing the same way that I do, there are just some very basic differences between us that cannot be resolved. I knew this going into it, but everyone told me, "Oh, he'll change once you're married" - or - "You can get him to go to church." I don't want to twist someone's arm that hard to be who I need them to be. I need for my H to have a close relationship with God. I need for him to have a close relationship with his family and mine. Unless he is those things, I cannot love him in the way a W loves her H.

What I kick myself most for is that I believed that marrying someone else without all of the cheating baggage would make everything o.k. Instead, it's so much worse. I was happier living with my exH, even though he cheated, than I am now. And I agree that a conversation is in order. H wants to start a family, and I don't think this is remotely a good idea.

P.S. Sleepless ... how could I neglect responding to you?! My apologies. If you read my post above, you might see that there are some very big differences. My H meeting my needs is not so simple. You see, he would have to change his entire system of values and beliefs on a very fundamental level. It's not as though he doesn't spend enough time with me. He does. He shows that he loves me in a variety of ways. Except that our priorities in life are fundamentally different. He has made it crystal clear that his career will always come first, and has said so on many occasions. "My career comes first." "My career comes before anything else." He doesn't believe in God, he doesn't believe in the closeness of extended family. He's made it clear that won't change. How can I change his heart? I cannot.

The bible tells us that we stay married to an unbeliever in hopes that we may lead him/her to Christ and redemption. It happens all the time. Go to church without him. Make friends with other Christians and have them around casually. Be an example of Christ's love. He's got to think, "how can Christian's be so great when they're not that concerned about their marriage vows."

Your parents. That's an emotional need you have. He may be jealous of that bond. I know my wife is jealous of my bond. She always feels left out of the equation like she's not good enough to be part of my family. It makes her defensive and distant no matter how much I tell her she means to me. The MC will help that unless your parents don't like him for some reason. Show him how great a family bond can be. Even my wife is finally warming up to some of my family. Of course her EA/PA have been a big roadblock.

You can be very happy with your current husband if you two work on it with the principles here. You can't make yourself happy without your husband's input. If he doesn't know what to do, he can't change his behavior. If he loves you and your supportive, I think you can be VERY happy.

What have you got to lose????? - Nothing

Read my last post. He has to fix his career motiviation. I think that with some ADDITIONAL counseling, he may see how his firm stand is harming your relationship and closeness. Your ex-H could not have been THAT godly if he's having an affair.

Demonstrate God's love.
Draw him into the closeness of your family.
Make his career #2 behind you and his family if he really wants one. Why does he want a family (kids) if they're always second place?

He may not know how serious your problem is. I didn't.
I would still get His needs, Her needs to help you lay out a plan. I didn't think I said it would be easy.

SIS

Thanks, Sleepless. I am trying, but I feel some resentment, especially for the way I feel my family has been ignored. My H does not think it's healthy for me to have strong ties with my parents and discourages this. He doesn't want to be a part of an extended family.

I don't know why H wants a family if his career comes first. I hate to compare and contrast to my exH, but when we were married we never put something as paltry as a job before each other. The breakdown in our M resulted from something more serious, which was my depression over my sister's death. If anything, this taught me the value of family and friendship over anything else. My big concern is that I have no family or friends here, and H wants a child that I will have no help with raising. I'll be stuck here alone, without a job or church or family support. This is my idea of a hopeless situation, but his idea of what a family should be like. I don't think I can ever get used to this idea. I will try going to church alone. I used to go all the time at home, and I felt as though I had a second family. I miss that feeling a lot.

A lot of my friends think that my H is trying to isolate me and have warned me that I should get out. I don't know what to think.

A controlling husband is a new subject. If his reason for isolation from God and family is for control, I can see that as a problem. It's not necessarily something you can't address, but different. Try not to resent him for not considering your family. Feel bad that he doesn't know how wonderful that relationship is, and its what you want to have with your children. Where are his parents? Does that relationship need mending?

Will your husband let you see your family without him? Does he object to you going to church by yourself? While my wife wasn't thrilled with church, when we found a good one, she enjoyed going to hear the message.

You may have made a mistake in rushing to marry your current husband, but I'm afraid you have some obligation to put some effort into it. That doesn't mean he doesn't have the same obligation. I'm struggling to hold onto my family, so I may not be your most unbiased advocate.

I assume he's not verbally or physically abusing you.

If not, find a good church community and invite him to come along. If you're in Europe, that can be more difficult, but the U.S. Embassies often have good references for Christian communities.

Have you filled out an Emotional Needs survey to find out what's most important to you? Check it out and tell him what you need from him. We men are pretty thick sometimes. I thought I was meeting my wifes needs as best I could, but it turns out I assumed incorrectly.

If you read the articles on the site, there are ways for one spouse to improve the marriage. You're the one for now. Your Ex husband cannot be an option at this point, so stop the fantasy. You'll be happier.

Be careful of having any of your new friends at church meeting your emotional needs and progressing into an Emotional Affair. That would only compound the problem.

I think there are some things you can do before you throw in the towel. That doesn't mean I don't think you're in a tough place. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Dear Sleepless,

RE: Where are his parents? Does that relationship need mending?

His parents are in the states, and yes, that is a relationship that definitely needs mending. His father was ill with cancer - in remission. H did not see him during the time he was being treated for chemotherapy, which I could not understand. There was a big fall-out with his mother when he was a teen. From what I gather, she was a very unhappy woman who did not want to be a mother. Even worse, she was drug from town to town because of H's father's job, and she never had any family support (my MIL told my mother these things, not me). I get the impression this made her a very angry woman, disappointed in life. I don't want to be like my MIL!

RE: Will your husband let you see your family without him?

Yes and no. I can go, but I have to pay for the plane ticket myself. Since I have no job, I cannot go. I spoke with my mother, and she is going to help me pay for a plane ticket so I can vist my family.

RE: Does he object to you going to church by yourself?

He says that he won't mind. I haven't gone to church by myself. I've always felt awkward and embarrassed - people ask, "Oh, you're married, so where is your husband?" I don't know what to tell them. I know, that is a lame excuse.

RE: You may have made a mistake in rushing to marry your current husband, but I'm afraid you have some obligation to put some effort into it. That doesn't mean he doesn't have the same obligation. I'm struggling to hold onto my family, so I may not be your most unbiased advocate.

No, I understand. I've often read this board and saw wonderful H's treated abysmally, H's who were truly putting forth the effort. It's hard to be objective when this is the case, and I wish you all the best, Sleepless.

RE: I assume he's not verbally or physically abusing you.

No, but he hits my (our?) beloved pets for "discipline," which I don't like at all. It makes me so angry, but he just won't stop.

RE: Have you filled out an Emotional Needs survey to find out what's most important to you? Check it out and tell him what you need from him. We men are pretty thick sometimes. I thought I was meeting my wifes needs as best I could, but it turns out I assumed incorrectly.

Oh, I have filled out the questionnaires many times. I suggested it to my H, but he told me that his first W (he is also divorced) wanted him to do it, and that it didn't interest him that time either. I can't see why this would be any different.

RE: Your Ex husband cannot be an option at this point, so stop the fantasy. You'll be happier.

On a fundamental level, I realize that. But it doesn't stop me from wanting the kind of love that I had with my exH, that feeling of solidity and connectedness. Even when exH was unfaithful, I never had the feeling that our connection was irrevocably severed.

RE: Be careful of having any of your new friends at church meeting your emotional needs and progressing into an Emotional Affair. That would only compound the problem.

Oh, I have no interest in men! (wry chuckles) When I am this depressed, that is the very last thing I have on my mind.

Again, thank you. Maybe I should take the time to read your story - perhaps I can help you, too. I would like to think that I have a little bit of sage advice.