I have posted before on MB and now I have a dilema. My WH is overseas and having an affair over there. He says OW has opened his eyes and he has realized he loves me but not in love with me. She has been filling his EN. We talked it out and decided that when he returns, we will talk about what should happen between us. But, things changed overnight. The OW sent me an IM from his computer and she started telling me details of their realationship and where she thinks I went wrong. I confronted him (via email) and let him know what had happened and he was very upset at the fact both of us were talking behind his back about him. I'm willing to let go if she is who he wants, but he says he's confused. I love him and I want my marriage to work. I believe it's what he wants also but he says he loves her and me and is'nt sure if he should follow his heart or his mind in doing the right thing. He asked me to give him time to think things through and I accepted. Was I wrong to do that? I really believe we belong together and we can make things work. I can give him time to think but how can he make a wise decision if she's there with him? I feel so depressed and it's hard to move on. He is finally being honest with me and his feelings. Finally! Something he went running to her before not me. Now, I speak to him as a friend and tend not to take sides between us and her. If his happiness is with her then let it be but if it's just because he has a lot to deal with being so far away. I feel like he's made up his mind already but is afraid to hurt me. How can I save my marriage? Please, help I feel so lost?
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

should, have you read Surviving an Affair? I would get that book as soon as you can.

In the meantime, there is no reason why you can't do Plan A. Start exposing his affair to all concerned, ie: family members, close friends, possibly his employer and her family. Make the affair as umcomfortable as possible.

Who is the OW? Is she married? Does she live with her parents? Do you think it would do any good to speak to her?

Why are y'all living seperately?

Thank you for the response.

I have started to read the book and tried to get insight here. I have exposed the affair to family, (his) they are all disappointed in him and his dission. In their eyes I have been everything to him.And, are not content with his actions. His employer is the military and I'm afraid to get him in trouble.(I know it doesnt make sense). I have spoken with OW last night as a matter of fact. She is divorced, 1 son and is deployed overseas with him. She said she is willing to step aside if we believe we want our marriage to work but I honestly think that was B***. My WH has talked to me about OW and his doubts about OW if he stays with OW.
He regrets not being able to confide in me, where the affair started she met his EN. and has now been open with hopefully everything. The thing is he has doubts which is good but she's there, how can I make him realize he needs to be with his children and me? I know I want him to be happy even if its not with me, but could he be going throught the "fog" phase and how can I help?

should, you can't make him realize he needs to be with you and the children. He has to come to that realization on his own. If he is having trouble with the OW, then don't get in the way of that. DO NOT criticise the OW in any way because that will make him defensive. Just tell him how much his affair hurts you and the kids.

And in the meantime, STOP TALKING TO HER. She is a pig and is not your friend. She wants very much to destroy your family and knows very well what she is doing. Stay away from her.

In the meantime, continue being his best friend, but stop telling him that you want "whatever makes him happy." What you WANT is for him to be a MAN and live up to his obligations. Tell him that you want him to be your husband and the father of your children. Don't tell him that you will accept him any other way. True love is helping people be their BEST, not their worst. There is nothing loving about wanting him to stay in an adulterous relationship because he's "happy." See what I mean?

I would also strongly consider telling his commanding officer about the affair. This kind of thing should not be going on and it would likely put a quick end to the affair.

Thanks, I'm actually going to do it. I have emailed the head person of the family support group and I hope they will help me out.
It's enough that I have to deal with my home and children and having to explain why daddy isnt here. I dont deserve this pain he is inflicting on me and he does realize that at least. This OW keeps trying to feed my mind with doubt and his. She, kept making me feel so little of myself and she knew what she was doing. My WH was very upset at the fact she tried communicating with me. I copied our IM conversation and I sent it to him, just to let him know she's not as honest as he thinks. But, yes I cant interfere.
I pray he will realize that he belongs with his family and not raising other people's children instead of his own. I will keep reading my book and thank you for all the advice.

should, keep coming here and talking to us, ok? What a horrible situation for a young mother. Let us help you get through all this.

Thank you for the support, this website is awesome and a big help. I have asked my WH to not give access to his computer for his OW to contact me. Hopefully, he can see my reasons why. Only time will tell.

BS- 25 me
WH- 26

D-Day 4/1

How long has he been deployed? Is he expected home anytime soon?

This may well play itself out once he gets back home if you can hold on that long.

I know how horrible it is for family left at home with all the responsibility.

It's also hard on the person deployed. They feel so far away and lonely. They are often times bored and I'm sure they seek out entertainment and encouragement in wrong areas.

Hugs to you. Stay strong. My son was deployed and has been home 6 months. It is an adjustment for everyone.

Susan

Thank You, he has been gone since Sept of 04 and is due back for 2 wks in July. he says he will decide what is best for us when he returns, where we can sit and talk about it.

It's been very hard for me, adjusting to being by myself and taking all the responsibility.

The thing is he was confused about her, because he is lonely and wasnt sure if what he's feeling is for real or his heart playing tricks on him. Yes, he feels obligated to stay with me and the kids but he has develoed feelings for her. I am willing to wait and see. I do love him and I dont want to move on till I know it is really ended. It would be unfair to my kids to move on or introduce another in their lives, when daddy is gone.
It's all so hard to comprehend what has happened. I feel helpless. I have dedicated my life to this man for 8 years and have been there for him through everything. We didnt love eachother when we met. I got pregnant and he felt obligated to stay but we fell in love with eachother. Now, he says this OW has opened his eyes to evaluate what kind of love he feels for me. I want to hate him so much but I cant.

i'm glad to hear your son is back safe and sound.
God Bless.


BS 25 me
WH 26

Well, my WH sent me an IM message this morning wanting to talk to the kids. i let him talk to them and then he starts telling me that he was hurt by me and the OW by talking about him, behind his back. Then he tells me he forgives me, that what he's done to me isnt beyond compare what I did. He's been attending church and is looking at things differently. (Sometimes) He says he still loves me but doesnt know what he should do. Then he says when he gets home will talk about us but doesnt want to keep hurting me. But, reminds me that Im his wife and that I'm still his. Does any of this make sense? Should I just not talk to him anymore or initiate contact via email? He tells me to have hope and then the next thing he's saying lets be adults about this? Is'nt it fair for him to seek happiness with someone else?, he says.
AAAaaaagggghh!

I want to give up and say forget it, its not worth it. but, my heart says he'll come around and come back to his family. He's doubting the reasons he cares for her and wonders if it's because he's there in Iraq. He even admitted that he knew if he ever had problems with OW he would come running back to me! That, it would be unfair to him if I allowed it! I'm so confused and it's hard to sit back and wait.

Can anyone give me some advice? Is this fog talk?

BS 25- me
WH 26

D-Day 4/1

Hi ShouldI - I'd tell your H that yes, he has every right to seek happiness with YOU... and that he deserves to be happy with YOU... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

You mentioned that you didn't want to involve his chain of command for fear of hurting his career... I understand your concern. However, most "adultery" cases are very hard to prove unless they are actually caught in the act having sex... If you inform his chain of command that he is having an inappropriate relationship with this OW and that she's e-mailing you and harrassing you, then they will take actions to separate them.

I suspect that the worst thing that could happen to your H is that he would be counseled to stay away from this OW and that if he continues contact, then he will be disobeying a lawful order and he CAN be punished for that much easier than for adultery. In fact, most "adultery" cases are never punished for adultery, they're punished under disobeying a lawful order or falsifying on a sworn statement. If anyone "ruins" your H's career, it will be your H, not you.

Try to keep your conversations light and airy and up-beat... if he wants to argue with you, just say something like "that's nice honey, did I tell you about the kids soccer game...?" in other words, don't try and "solve" your relationship issues over the phone, E-mail, or IM...

Semper Fi,
RIF

I think you will find that's a common sentence spewed by Wayward Spouses. My WW told me the same thing. Stick with Melody Lane. She'll help you a lot.

From my perspective. My wife is on assignment in Europe for four years with her company. She has our son over there for school and I commute over every two weeks. I've been in Plan A for about a month.

I've been doing it long distance, but I'm not sure how effective I'm being. You need to remind yourself that the words coming out of your husbands mouth are not logical.

The hardest thing to do is maintain your composure and stay away from senseless Love Busters. Let him explain himself, but don't condone his behavior.

Wright him Long E-Mails to read. Sometimes they're better because you can make sure you didn't say something you will regret. No whining or begging. Be strong and attractive. I'm sure you aleady are, but project it.

When he talks, don't argue with him. You don't have to agree with him either. Just make your point, and let him go.

Check out this link for Plan A behavior.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=029805

I've referred to it several times for review.

I didn't see if anyone recommended Dr. Dobson's "Love Must be Tough" book. I found it to be really helpful too.

Get ready for a rough ride young lady. But you can do it.

SIS

should, I get the sense from reading your post that he feels justified in his affair because it "makes him happy." Is he of the belief that anything is ok as long as it makes him "happy?" Because there are bigger problems here than adultery if that is the case.

P.S. I very much agree that you should contact his commander and notify him of the affair. And let him know that the OW is harrassing you via email.

should,

This is one of those cases where I wonder if there's enough value to the marriage to make it worth fighting for. In earlier posts, you said that he deals drugs out of your home. He gets angry with you over his OW IMing you and taunting you with the affair. He blames his parents for his actions. He has his drug using OW over at your house with your children. He openly has an affair and expects you to patiently wait for his decision.

There's just not a lot of value I see here. Your H sounds like a man who doesn't take a lot of responsiblity for anything but his own happiness.

Dobie

WOW, thank you for the insight everyone! I guess I have been so blinded in wanting to make my marriage work. I havent stopped to think about the honest values I should be teaching my kids. I'm at the point where I do want to give up and say it's not worth it. WH said he is going to give up that life and that he wants to do the right thing for his kids. He knows an honest job and life will only get you where you want to be in life. (I guess theres hope there).

He's been active in church now and I guess he's seeing that there is consequences in his actions. But, he still says he doesnt know what to do. he has feelings for OW but loves me and wants to be with his kids. Does this make sense? He wants me to wait and then in the next breath he says to pursue my happiness and if I find someone else to go ahead. Then he reminds me that I'm still his! My children are so young that I know they wont understand any of this and I think to myself how selfish can he be that he doesnt realize what he's teaching them? He keeps sending me IM messages and wanting to know how am, that he doesnt want to hurt me anymore, to wait for him,etc,etc. I honestly think this OW is filling his head with B***S***! AAAAGGGHHHH!

thank you everyone for the insight!

BS- 25 me
WH 26

D-Day 4/1- what an April FOOL's Day! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

should,

Then in the interest in exposure, I'd contact the chaplain of the church he attends. If he's attending church like he says, it would be a good idea for you to be honest with the chaplain there about your situation and ask for advice. As long as there's not abuse being committed, your discussion with the chaplain is confidential.

I'm sometimes a bit cautious about the "church" card being played in these situations, as I've seen it abused before. It would be a good idea to verify that he's actually a part of a church and that he's honest with the chaplain about his situation.

Dobie

One more item on the church exposure. I used our pastor to help confront my wife and send the OM home. I expected the pastor was someone WW would see as on her side too, but she exploded and ran out of the house. She never wants to see him again and has had enough of church people. She's convinced he'll tell the entire congregation.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't expose it, just don't want you to be surprised.

Don't take the stuff running out of his mouth at face value. My wife has said some of the exact same things, and I don't always get it either. There's a recent posting of "Things Alien's say" that was meant to collect a bunch of bizarre statements from wayward spouses. I'll link it if I can find it.

It also sounds like he has some changing to do. If he can demonstrate some of those changes, reconcilliation may be of benefit to everyone. But he has to want to do it and take the initiative.

Hang on for the ride 'Should I' Protect your heart from his bizarre statements and remember much of what he says will be self serving.

SIS

Here's the link to bizarre things WS say

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...page=11#2684836

Thank, everyone!

I found the link very amusing! I trying not to take things to heart. It's vey funny at times and I cant believe the things he's saying. His mother asked me to tell him to call him and maybe knock some sense into him. Not sure if it'll help or make things worse! I am originally from TX and living here in CA. I left everything 8 years ago to follow my WH. My daughter wants to move to Tx near my family and suggested it to my WH. He was very upset and told my daughter it wasnt an option, then this morning she gets an email if she really wanted that, that he would consider it for happiness! My children dont need to be dragged into this if he doesnt even know what he wants! I was so upset and told him to leave them out of it, till he comes home for good. One good thing is he hasnt mentioned OW and Im sure not going to!
My sister-in laws finance just was in a car accident today and in critical condition. If things get worse we may have to request RedCross to send my WH back. As far as I know, he was drunk, no-seatbelt,ejected 20 ft from car. Had internal bleeding, has collapsed lung and not conscious. Good thing he didnt hurt anyone else but himself.I'm not for drunk driving! Doesnt life get any easier? Im at the point where I want to ask what next?
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />


BS 25 -me
WH 26
D-Day 4/1 What an April fool's Joke?