Sleepless, Dobie,

I spoke to my WH last night and he commented that attending church at night seemed more peaceful. Well since we were in the subject I asked "Have you talked to the chaplain about your problems/situation" He replied. No, I confessed but the priest had asked how many women have you truly loved. His response was Me and his high school sweetheart. and the priest replied that if he could ever cheat on me by mind that, that was not true love and that if he never cheated on his high school sweetheart, in mind or physically that that was probably true love. I reminded him that he did, when he met me.(I never knew he has a girlfreind waiting for him back home, We met in the military). My WH replied that was different we werent technically together! end of discussion. I found out this morning that he spoke to my mother-in law regarding our situation, she spoke her mind and he replied that he was confused, he loved me and he wants to come home and make things work between us but that OW is pressuring him to decide between us and he's frustrated that he is in the middle. Mother reminded him you put yourself in that situation, there is no one to blame but yourself! He ended the conversation with, he wants to come home and try to make things work.
I just got a call from the family support group (military) and wanted to know if I was ok and if I wanted I could contact his 1st SGT and seek and investigation/punishment etc, only if I was sure that's what I wanted to do to my husband! Am I supposed to have no feelings? I understand that troops sent over there have a hard time as it is, but they dont realize the suffering and pain we go through without having the support of a spouse! I know they were sent for a cause but this is wearing out so many lives/families! I'm sure Im not the only one going through this because of deployments, I dont want to make it seem like I'm the only victim here! I hear so many families breaking apart because of this War and it's sad because our children are the one's who suffer.
I have to remind myself every minute to have faith and this too shall pass. And, if it wasnt for this website, I'd be lost in my AD's, sleep-aides, etc

BS 25- me
WH 26

DD-6
DD-4
D-Day 4/1 What an April fool's joke!

Here's an update. I have access to my WH emai acct and I found this message to the other woman and her reply, he didnt respond to her, not sure if she scared him off or what. Here goes, sorry guys her reply was lengthy! Please, advice on what I should do/think:


"Babe i should of told u my fears about our relationship alot sooner but the reality was i was embaresed i didnt want u to think i was getting weak or soft on you. I'm glad i did though. that really was a relief off my back i just want to be happy i want you to be the one to do it. trust me i can add a bit if i need to but i just want to make sure that our relationship is going some were before i make that big of a commitment to you and i know that we are happy now but whats going to happen when we get back to our original surroundings. can you honestly give me an answer now. As far as me i cant. i know that i want you so i can be happy but who is saying that you have a change of mind some day or me i'm just being realistic but as of now i cant remember being so happy well maybe when my daughter and son were born will beat this but nothing else everytime i see you i feel funny inside everyday i look forward to the day ending so that i can see you plus you smell so good well let me get back to the board k i m almost up yes they have computers here and i'm thinking of u. LOVE YOU


OW response:


Hey just got your email so I thought that I would write you back. I Don't want you to feel that you ever have to change to impress me; I don't want that from you ever. It is one thing to try and change something that bothers me like say if you always left your shoes at the front door entrance and I always tripped over them; that's one thing that I could see you trying to change for me. It is another thing to change your self completely to try and fit in socially, thats not who you are and that is not who I fell in love with. All that will do is make you unhappy and me very dissapointed and hurt knowing that I made you uncomfortabel and that unhappy that you had to resort to that behavior to keep a realationship with me. If I wanted to be with someone of that nature I would have stayed married to my husband but as you can see I am not. If that life is what I wanted I would have been content and happy in my marriage. That relationship mainly failed due to the fact that my husband changed so much for all the wrong reason and he got caught up in and ugly yet appealing lifestyle he never took the time to see how unhappy I was and how it was destroying our marraige. I tryed warnning him numerous times but he just would'nt listen to me and how I was feeling. I dont blame him though because for a second there I caught up to but I was abel to be the stronger one and see clearly at what I was turning into and I stopped, he did'nt like that at all but at least I was honest with him and I made it clear on where I stood. That is why when I tell you that I dont need you to be someone your not just for my sake I hope that you really listen to me, I really do. You and I had two totaly different up bringings in two seperate socities. That is why I find you so intreaging and appealing physcologically. It is very mind stimulating to me. You have no idea how utterly boaring and unimpressed I would be if you were like me in every way. I am so glade that your not, I find you to be very unique. As for you worring about fiting in with my friends that is something you dont have to be concerned about. I pick and chose my frinds very delacetley. I am so not trusting of any one period. Trust to me takes time and patients it is not something that I just hand out when it is wanted from me. I cant do that. That is why when I form any type of realationship with anyone I look at that person from all aspects. Most of the time people dont know that I am watching and observing their behavior. I dont do that cause I am stero-typing I do that because I need to see who people really inside. That is why the few friends I do have take life with pretty much the same attitude I have. They are free indaviduals who do not seek the approval of others; they can care less about useless opinons. To them you like them or you dont. They are no were near being two-faced like everyone else. They extend the same curtiousey as I do, they are bluntly honest. If they dont like you or if they do they will tell you it wont be something you have to wonder about and they are not affraid to tell you why either. As long as your honest with them they can care less where you come from, what you do, or who you are. They dont like people that are fake that is why I am not at all concerned about you being around them or feeling out of place. Alll I want from you is to just be your self and no one else. You of all people should know that I am not the type of person to depend on being socialy accepted I am quite the opposite. I seek no ones approval in life nor do I lower my standards to be excepted by anyone. I do not mentally or emotionally depend on that feeling of exceptance thats why opinions of others mean nothing to me. I am not a shallow person that needs to thrive to make everyone happy and I do not let the opinions of my friends and family control my life. The way I see things is that as long as we are both happy and content with each other nothing should matter to us but our children. We shouldnt be concerned what others think or say it is not their relationship to be deciding on what is best for us and what looks right. If they can not be happy for use then that really isnt our problem that is theirs to deal with and figure out. At least that is how I feel about thing you may see things differently I really dont know that something that you need to tell me. So please put your mind at ease and dont worry about the little insignefacant things that absoultly mean nothing to me. I truly love you and I am happy with you as you are.Sorry I know the last email was long but I forgot something in that letter. There is something that I need from you and if you cant or your not sure you need to let me know. I will be flat out honest with you and I am not going to hold anything back so dont be frightened by what is is that I want ok. Here it goes. First I dont ever want you to forget our friendship cause to me the will always come first befor anything else. With out that there is no relationship between us. I cant stress to you enough the importance of that. The honestey and openness that we had as friends is what made me see you so differently. The unrestricted relationship that we formed allowed me to so you for who you really are inside and out. You never held yourself back from me; you never gave me a reason to doubt you or question your motives in any way. There was never any secrets between us. Our conversations and questions were so bold and brutely honest and that I hope never ever changes no matter what the conseqence is. By you not protecting yourself from me and showing me who you truly are you allowed me to be abel to trust you and confide in you. I value our friendship more than anything and it is not something that I am willing to compromise that is why I dont want you to forget it because with out it you and I are nothing to each other. Our relationship will fail if we lose sight of how we were with each other befor we decided to become lovers. I dont want you to think of this as a list of demands but there are certain things that I need in life from my partner and here they are. I need you to be mentally and emotionaly strong. I need to know that no matter what I can count on you to stand by my side even if your not sure if its right or wrong. I need you to be open minded so we can grow strong together in a relationship. I need honesty and trust. No secrets no lies. I want you to feel that you can tell me anything with out holding back dont worry about hurting me you will do more damage hiding things from me escpically if I find out. If you start to do it know with me you are going to keep doing it till you get caught so dont. I need you to be patient that is also important to me. I need you to see us as being equal in our relationship that is a key factor right their. If any of these things you dont have it in you to do please let me know I rather stay friends than lovers with you. I do not want to have feelings of resentment towards you. I dont want to walk away from our relationship hating you no good will come out of it trust me. So please be honest with me and more importanly yourself and let me know how you feel. Love you always Jess


I spoke to him after this response and he emailed me telling me he was going to send me a special mothers day gift and that when he returns. We are taking a vacation to get away from everything and spend some quality time. Then, he started telling me "i need u to help me i want us to be friends so i can start telling u everything again without holding nothing back but i cant because u always come back to the same thing us i cant stand that all u do is confuse me more how can i purssue something if u are consintly reminding me of what i did to u how it hurts u i'm not blind or heartless but i want to try and see what i need
is u to be a true friend right now not a wife if u can do that tell me if u cant i'm affraid i'm going to destance myself from u."
Yes, I broke LB and responded" I'm sorry to break it to you but I am your wife, whether you like it or not, but Im still your friend as I always was. You need to forgive yourself for the pain you have inflicted on me and your family, if not it wont be easy to move on, with either of us."

He responed that "all your pictures are still up yes it bothers her but i tell her that they will stay there always because before my wife you were my friend plus the mother of my kids" i tell her that i want to pursue a future with her but i cant erase what i feel for you" Then he adds " we did become adults together i hadent seen it that way, two kids brought not 1 but 2 children into this world and leared to become a family".

Should I think that there is hope? I don't know if I should just stop talking to him via email/ IM and maybe make him realize what we have or should I just let this OW, fill his mind with BS!

Please, Help

BS 25-me
WH 26
DD-6
DS-4

D-Day 4/1 What an April Fools Joke!

This is good EXCEPT the part about "you need to forgive yourself...." No he does not. He can't forgive himself until he STOPS the wrongdoing, should. STOP trying to protect him from guilt. He should feel guilty because he is committing adultery. His guilt is your friend! Guilt will help him end this affair so don't get it in its way!

Just keep telling him that yes, you are his wife and yes, you are DEEPLY hurt about his affair. Do not let him get away with what he is trying to do and that is get you to pretend like he is not destroying you and the kids, ok? He only talks about being "great friends" because he wants you to pretend like he is not doing something bad and does not want to face the consequences of his bad behavior. Understand?


Just keep talking to him and please consider contacting his commanding officer in order to bust them.

Thanks MelodyLane,

Yes, scold me! Actually, you would be proud I had emailed him and gave him the guilt trip about how he choose a woman over his wife/kids etc. He was so upset, asking how is he supposed to pursue his happiness if I keep reminding him of how selfish he's being! Wow, I responded truth hurts! I didnt give in and basically told him that it didnt matter anymore. I guess I should just move to plan B and show him what he's actually loosing. It's hard because OW is there filling his head with what he wants to hear and I'm just supposed to wait for his to wake up! Please, help? I am so confused! Should I stick to Plan A and see how long it goes? His sister's and mother have been giving him the guilt trip also and letting him know they are'nt happy with what he's doing and that they won't accept OW over ME. So, hopefully he'll come around! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Bs 25 -me
WH 26
DD-6
DS-4

D-Day 4/1

should, would it be ok for you to "pursue your happiness" if you were a serial killer? I don't understand where this entitlement to "pursue" his happiness comes from? Does he believe he is entitled to any wrongdoing if it makes him happy?

Because if he does, you have a much bigger problem on your hands than a mere affair. Do you see that? That means he doesn't know right from wrong. Does he even KNOW right from wrong?

Maybe someone should tell him that happiness is the result of living right. He needs to grow up and act like an adult, not a little boy.

hi Melody,

Guess What, I finally did it. I just sent an email exposing WH and OW to his 1st Sgt. I am hoping he isnt a good friend of WH and would sweep my discovery under the rug. I have been talking to WH lately and we went into our relationship and states, he is afraid of trying to make our marriage work, that I wont be able to look at him the same and that I would resent him for what he has done and that I'd remind him of his mistake every minute of his life. Yes, Ive been known to throw his past mistakes in his face but that was very immature and now with MB principles I believe I can change. How can I convince him of that? and that our family deserves a chance to work things out. He blames his father of raising a womanizer and that he never justified his PA with many OW and mom never put a stop to it. My father in law made my WH keep a secret life for him many years from age 8 up until a few yrs ago. But,WH swore he would never be like his father, then blames his failings on not being able to take advantage of his childhood and freedom. Yes, we got pregnant at age 18 but, he never commited to his family up until 3yrs later but I tied to make things work between us, not just for our child but because I loved him and thought we could make it and we did, so I thought! We married 2yrs after that and had a second child and have gone through 2 miscarriges. We grew to love eachother but up until 5 months a ago I had the doubt he was finding an interest in someone else, he admitted it and said it was a one night stand and it meant nothing. But, now she is also deployed with him and he says he has developed feelings for her and is still confused! Wow. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I think OW is still married and I'm going to try to find out if she is and if she's lying to her husband also. She has a child also, so I know there is more to tell. But, hopefully he can find his way back to his family. I still do love him and believe their is a chance! Wishful thinking, maybe.

BS- 25
WH- 26
DD-6
DS-4
D-Day 4/1

should, don't worry about all the stuff he says, he is just looking for excuses to justify his affair. When he's ready to commit, he will look for reasons to commit, rather than reasons to evade his responsiblities. Just stick to your Plan A and DO NOT, I mean DO NOT try to help him with his guilt, ok? GUILT IS GOOD, just remember that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Great job on contacting the commanding officer! I think you have a great idea in trying to find her husband. That might be a good lead.

I'm way behind on this thread, but that sounds like an outright lie. I find if impossible to believe that any chaplain would say that.

Dobie

THANK YOU DOBIE!

" I find if impossible to believe that any chaplain would say that. "

It wasnt even a chaplain but a PRIEST! Yeah, right talk about B***S***. I let in go in one ear and out the other! There is no way a priest would give that kind of advice. Well, since then I have spoken to my WH and told me that when he comes home we do need to talk and that he spoke with OW since then about whats going to happen when he comes home, that he feels that he is going to decide to stay with his wife and kids! But that he doesnt want to use her as a for the mean while kind of relationship, that is wasnt fair to any of us.
He said he is glad this happened because now he feels he can come to me about his feelings and doubts and that I'm not going to yell at him but listen and give my real opinion! He doubts that I can overcome not being able to throw his mistakes in his face and I told him it's not going to be easy but with MC and NC that it is possible!

I have a question to any BS. With all the emotional drama involved in learning about a EA or PA. There is times you have need someone to talk to. Has there ever been a time that a "friend" takes advantage of a vulnerable BS and try to move in to "comfort"?
I've got to face reality and that it may not work with WH but I'm gonna try my damnest to keep my family together! But, my "best friend" that I've know for 20 yrs, has come back into my life and not intentionally to move in to take my H place but he wanted to know how I was doing. (I still talk to his mom, she was like my second mom and still keep contact,of course she told him my problems!) Well, long story short he's been confessing to a childhood/teenage crush that he's had for me! And, he is a great guy, always has been but I never looked at him that way because he had dated my friends. Now, he wants to pursue something more! and it makes me so confused. I love my husband but there is that fear of him not changing and then there is someone who has know me for yrs and knows just about everything about me and how I am & accepts my children! Yes, this seems to me as an EA and IM DOING IT! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> Is it fair? Should I just not talk to him anymore? I've told him I love my husband and despite his mistakes I want to make things work but he keeps insiting that when I know my husband wont change he'll be there!

[color:"red"] [/color]

BS- 25
WH- 26
DD-6
DS-4
D-Day 4/1

Yep, that sort of affair happens frequently. Stay clear of this guy. Even if you decided you wanted the marriage over with, you're in no sort of emotional shape to be involved in another relationship, particularly one that would start as an affair. Cut off communications with this guy, as hard as it will be. More involvement will only do harm. I really have doubts about his integrity if he's telling you all this while he knows you're still married.

That's what I thought, i dont want to make my life more confusing than it already is much less involve one more person to the drama! I've nicely asked him to resopect my decisons and I will have to stop contact if I dont want it to get worse!
I'm trying my hardest to not blow up on Plan A, WH and I are talking great! everything is on the upbeat and he has not mentioned OW nor have I. The other day I ended my msg with I Love U and he relied the same but I nicely replied dont feel obligated to answer me with that response until you can really mean it! I dont expect him to and I really want him to understand what he has done and feel the guilt of what the damage he has caused and what more he can do to our family! without me pushing it! I know this is something he needs to find out on his own and deal with this addiction to cheat! not just on me but every woman he's ever had. Is it the thrill or the sheer fact that its not their wife?

Why does life seem so difficult or is it we make it that way? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

BS-25
WH -26
DD-6
DS-4
D-Day 4/1/05

I havent posted in awhile but I have been reading other posts and still reading MB books.
WH and I have been talking decently! He has come to the conclusion that he wants to work things out with us and wants to commit to living the right life and settle down. He still says he does have love for this OW and since then on Friday 4/22, she was in a military accident, I felt awful to hear that she was badly hurt, but she is OK. Im sure WH is attending to her and finding out if she will be ok, I was very akward hearing him talk about her and his concern. Im not heartless, I did pray for her recovery she does have child/X-husband to come home to.
WH will be coming home for 2 wks in June(not sure exactly when?) but Im so afraid to know how I will react to him, will the anger, resentment, pain, come flooding back and make me feel compeled to LB! It will be the hardest 2 wks of my life but I will make the most of it to be as up beat and show my WH that we can make things work and that he should try to be with his family. I want to change for the better. Should I try IC on my own now and then consider MC when he comes back? I have told my WH about MB website and I hope he can either read or post here for advice. What I have learned here has been so great! I dont think I could of handled this situation without knowing that I'm not alone and that God has given me the strenght to move on with or without him! I just hope he comes out of the fog and back to his family!

BS-25
WH-26
DD-6
DS-4
DDay 4/1/05 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />