Today I got an answer to a longstanding prayer I have prayed. <BR>To make a long story short, please see my post under "Other topics" - "Husband has been giving son alcohol". Tonight I found out that my H (we are in the process of divorce), along with assaulting me and being a hopeless alcoholic, has been having an affair since last December. Even though he drank himself into a stupor almost every night, he swore up and down he NEVER cheated on me. WHY DO THEY LIE!!!!! The OW's H called me today and told me everything he knew. They are separated over this, my H had told OW that he wasn't married (we have been married for 15 years). Apparently he was meeting her every morning before work and getting drunk with her every night. What I really, really don't understand is how they can look their spouse in the eye and swear they NEVER cheated! I would feel so guilty, not because I was lying to my H, but because I would be betraying our Lord Jesus Christ. <BR>I am just bewildered. I've always tried to be a kind, loving wife as well as a good Christian. I did everything I possibly could for him, cooked, cleaned, waited on him hand and foot, took care of his every need. Why am I the one being punished for his sins? My heart is broken, my spirit is broken. How are you all coping with this? Is it ever possible to trust another? Last weekend H came to see me and wanted to talk about us. He was trying to worm his way back in, I see that now. He took me to dinner last night also. <BR>Today I got a big, bright light shined in my eyes -- and I'm woke up now! I have made up my mind to never see or speak to H again, all contact regarding our son will be done through attorneys. <BR>I'd like to ask that you pray for me to have the strength to follow through with this divorce. He always has been able to wear me down and get me to give in. The pain inside is so devastating. How do any of you get through this? <BR>Thank you for reading this. I just needed someone to talk to about this since it is such a major shock to me. I am so crushed.

I'm sorry that you have had to suffer all this. Sometimes our burden can be great and we don't understand what we may have done to deserve such a heavy load. You're so much more than just an 'alcoholic's wife,' and although it seems hard to believe now, you will become a stronger person as a result of this trial. <P>{{{{ be good to you! }}}}

Hi A's Wife:<P>I was also an A's wife. Shortly before Christmas of last year, I asked him to move out. We had been constantly struggling for 10 years over the alcohol issue, and then I found out he was having an affair with a 21 year old co-worker (he is 38). I don't have any children, so it has made our split much easier, but I am here to tell you that I have never been so happy. For the first several months - probably until April or so -I was crushed and devastated and in constant pain. I had tried for a year to work things out with him, but he decided he didn't want to work them out, and that was that. I really had no choice in the matter.<P>I found the courage to move out of town to be closer to work, and to break off all ties with this person who had so cruelly hurt me.<P>I am now on my own, and as I said, am completely happy and content. I think because my situation had been bad for so long that it has taken me less time to put this behind me, so to speak, but please believe me that things will get better.<P>I get so much satisfaction out of knowing that my experiences have made me STRONGER. The ex H. is still at exactly the same place - still drinking, the 21 year old is now pregnant (they're not getting married) and still drinking the booze, etc. I don't get satisfaction out of his pain, but I know that I at least have the ability to get to a better place in my life.<P>Even though it is so incredibly painful now, you will one day soon be able to look back and realize that because you got though this, you can get through just about anything. Believe in yourself, and good luck.

Hi A's Wife,<P>I do agree with the last posting, you are so much more than his wife. I think that's one of the hardest places to come to, is to realize you are a person apart from him. And through this trial you discover that your a darn good one at that. One of the things that keeps me together is to realize that I am a wonderful, loving, generous person who has great capacity for love. My H was the fool here. He lost. He lost the privilge to receive of my love and devotion. One of the statments in Priviate lies, is that one gives up so much for so little.<P>I am a Christian too and unbelievable so was my H, for over 17 years. We have such a testimony, we were in mininstry together, he was a Pastor!!! I know exactly where you are coming from when you say, how could he betray GOD!! I've asked him that and he says he doesn't know. He is trying to restore his walk with God and is going through the repentance and repair process for himself. We weren't active in the church when this happened, not that it was ok but at least I felt he wasn't in church acting the part.<P>I don't know why we have to suffer the consequences of their sins, I asked myself that alot. I even feel like God could have stopped him somehow, like if the bible was in the car or someone said something to him or whatever. I even deal with my ridiculous thought that God betrayed me by not stopping it, and I know better. I'm just human though and I need to come to a place where I feel God's love for me in all this. I think that's what we all need to do to get through this. I thought about when you said how do we get through this? For me I'm not there yet, it it a moment by moment process, but I think the only way to really find the peace that carries you is to trust in your Lord. I have to admit I haven't totally done that, but that is the goal.<P>I will pray for you.

Dear AW - <P>I agree with the previous posters..you are SO MUCH more than an 'alcoholic's wife'. From your writing I can tell you're a compassionate, loving person who just came to her rope's end. There is nothing wrong with making a decision and sticking with it.<P>Many people here council (and I wholeheartedly agree) that major life decisions should NEVER be made quickly nor when one is in emotional turmoil. The best decisions are made when we have been able to process all of the information we have at our disposal and, through prayer, trust that God will lead us toward the path that is His will.<P>You speak of "seeing a bright light shining in your eyes". I assume this is a figurtive expression, although I could be wrong...God works in mysterious ways! When I get these strong messages, I ALWAYS listen. It sounds like you are comfortabel with your decision to go ahead with the divorce. Are you?<P>You are in an untenable situation and need to make some drastic changes, especially if your son's health and welfare are at stake. I'll pray for you AW.

Hello AW, I am so glad that you are seeing the light again. Your situation does sound truly difficult and you are taking necessary steps for your son's welfare. Not a safe situation. <BR>I wondered why I was being punished for what my h had been up to also. It took awhile, but finally realized I was not being punished, but was being forced to see something that had been hidden from me for many yrs. Not a pleasant task, but I have grown immensely from the experience. YOu will too, but it takes time. Allow yourself the time to grow and to heal. <BR>BailyRae, thanks for sharing your happiness with us! You are a strong woman.

Thanks so much for being there for me through all of this. I am so DEVASTATED over this I can't think straight. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. My H is SEWER SCUM and so is she. How can he live with himself? How can he keep lying and lying and lying? He never calls our son, S always has to call him. I have been so stupid, and such a darned fool. <BR>The only thing keeping me from crumbling into a heap on the floor is my belief in God, and knowing that our Father must have something better in store for me. I just have to keep praying that God stays with me through this. <P>I am trying very hard to realize that I am more than an "alcoholic's wife". I've always worked hard at my job, and have strived to be a good Christian. It is just so hard to accept that the person that I'm supposed to be able to believe in could do these horrible, disgusting things to me, and my kids. Please keep us in your prayers. You all are in mine. Thank you so much.

Crushed - I'm so sorry for your pain. You have been through a horrible experience. Are you still with your husband? I used to think that if only my H would get saved and become a Christian, our life would be fine. Being a Christian didn't keep your H from doing the unthinkable did it. I'll pray for you to have peace over this. Thanks for sharing your experience with me. Makes me know that I'm not alone.<P>Elixir - Thank you for your kind comments. I guess I have felt for so long I was nothing more that the "drunk's wife". But now I know that I am and always have been the strong one in our relationship. Its been a very very heavy burden to carry alone all these years. I hope and pray that the Lord will remove this huge burden from me. In a way I guess he has started that process.<P>BaileyRae - WOW. You are an inspiration to me! I hope that someday soon I'll be over this and will be find happiness as you have. Getting yourself away from the situation probably was a important move for you. I think I'm doing the right thing by continuing on with the divorce and having no contact with H whatsoever. I just need to get tougher. I've been passive and meek for so long that it's hard to change. Thank you so much for your post!<P>Shattered1 - Now that I think of it, the bright light shining in my eyes comment probably did come from God. I have been praying and praying and praying for an answer to what I should do about my husband and our marriage. God does work in mysterious ways, and I truly believe the reason the OW's Husband called me was because God told him to, so that I would stop wavering on the divorce issue. When I think about my H now and picture his face and especially his eyes I see evilness in him. Satan was tempting me, and the Lord intervened. Thank you God!<P>cl - I now really feel that this was a wake up call for me. After what H has done to my daughter, my son and me, I absolutely have to do something about it. No more will I sit back and allow him to treat me like a doormat. Thank you for your inspiration!<P>My prayers are with each of you. Bless you all for helping me get through this. <P>"No Longer an Alcoholic's Wife"<P>

Dear No Longer - <P>YES!!! I like your new name much better!!! You do know that God has a wonderful plan for each and everyone of us. Right now, right this very minute, God is working on a much better life for you and your children. Although divorce is not painless, it seems that from what I've read, it might be the best solution for you. You've apparently tried and tried and tried again, all to no avail. God will reward you for your heart and knows that what you are doing is His will. God bless you No Longer!

AW-<P>I'm proud that you have the strength and faith to realize God has better things in His plans for you. <P>Recently you posted you were considering reconciling with him and I did not post a reply...just said a prayer you would be led in the right direction. <P>You can count on the fact he'll try to worm his way back into your life cuz, frankly, no decent woman would have him. He's met the 3A's for divorce - abuse, addiction and adultery. He's gonna try everything to win you back but please be strong. Go ahead and divorce him and if in say, 5 yrs, he's a different person then perhaps remarriage would be possible. You've been dragged down, abused and tortured by him enough - "wasted 17 years" as you've said before. Let him recover all by himself - you don't need to put up with him backsliding and struggling and hurting you anymore. He's gonna beg that you stay and help him recover, afterall, who's gonna cook and clean and lay out his clothes while he's "trying" to get better? AW, he's gonna cling to you like a bad rash and try everything he can think of to keep you around. He's not going to make divorce or separation easy.<P>God might hate divorce, but the devil loves abuse and pain. IMHO, you'll be glorifying God by leaving the devil's lair and moving on. You'll also show your son that if he should decide to follow his dad's footsteps he too will be left alone, desperate and miserable. Teach him how not to treat his future W, show him the consequences for this type of behavior. <P>I'm so sorry that you are so hurt and sad and angry. <P>Blessings.

I also like the new name. I also thing that God has a wonderful name for you that expresses you in all your beauty. Well for now we have seperated, although it really doesn't feel like it, he stayed at his mom's for a week and now he doesn't know where he'll go as they were out of town when he stayed there, for now he doesn't feel he would be welcomed because his brother and his family is there and they complain constantly about there presence. It doesn't feel like separation because he's here alot, I work at night and he's here for the kids and leaves at 11:30, I work 3 nights a week so we are only into this a week.<P>I haven't decided if I want a divorce or if I should try but for now I thought this separation would help me think clearer. The kids know he is not here when they are asleep and so far it hasn't been too bad. Again its only been a week so I don't really know.<P>He has continued to lie about the details of the affairs, the last one being Friday morning and I'm way confused over this. I will post about this soon, anyway for now things are not looking good.<P>The whole issue over his being a Christian makes this so much harder in that he preached against sin and stood for intergrity and honesty. It's so sad, its also hard as I truly believe he is sorry and he is willing to do whatever it takes, but right now I am still so devastated. I'm still left with the fact that I was discarded and disregarded at the moment of decision. Regardless of the reasons, if he truly loved me or not, that is what I'm left with, that I wasn't regarded high enough. And not once but many many times, for a long , long time. This is where I need the most help.<BR> <BR>You do sound strong and I will pray for you.

I also like the new name. I also thing that God has a wonderful name for you that expresses you in all your beauty. Well for now we have seperated, although it really doesn't feel like it, he stayed at his mom's for a week and now he doesn't know where he'll go as they were out of town when he stayed there, for now he doesn't feel he would be welcomed because his brother and his family is there and they complain constantly about there presence. It doesn't feel like separation because he's here alot, I work at night and he's here for the kids and leaves at 11:30, I work 3 nights a week so we are only into this a week.<P>I haven't decided if I want a divorce or if I should try but for now I thought this separation would help me think clearer. The kids know he is not here when they are asleep and so far it hasn't been too bad. Again its only been a week so I don't really know.<P>He has continued to lie about the details of the affairs, the last one being Friday morning and I'm way confused over this. I will post about this soon, anyway for now things are not looking good.<P>The whole issue over his being a Christian makes this so much harder in that he preached against sin and stood for intergrity and honesty. It's so sad, its also hard as I truly believe he is sorry and he is willing to do whatever it takes, but right now I am still so devastated. I'm still left with the fact that I was discarded and disregarded at the moment of decision. Regardless of the reasons, if he truly loved me or not, that is what I'm left with, that I wasn't regarded high enough. And not once but many many times, for a long , long time. This is where I need the most help.<BR> <BR>You do sound strong and I will pray for you.