Hi, I just wanted to say Hi and that I understand how you feel. Before A and b4 H and I separated, I felt the same way. I guess we couldn't figure out how to meet eachother's needs (looking back) and I always felt like I was trying more. I really don't think there's any way I could have stopped the A from happening. The separation was the final straw for HIM and sent him looking elsewhere, but the A was the final straw for me and not until I was DONE and H got a chance to "see what else was out there" did he realize I wasn't so bad after all and began taking his own "inventory" into how he helped create the distance that had come between us.

I think an A is definitely a time when WS needs to give 100%. They still act stupid or insensitively at times, but as long as you can feel the effort on their behalf it makes it "worth it", otherwise, for me, I just wouldn't be able to do it. I know we both love eachother dearly and always will (I've dated him on and off for 20 years), but w/o the effort on his behalf I would not be able to go through all of this for the rest of my life. I'd say "love ya, want ya, let's be friends, I'll even sleep with ya when we're not involved w/someone else, but I can't do this, I deserve more" and I really belive he would understand.

I'm glad you are taking care of yourself. I do believe that people come into our lives for a reason and I do believe in soul mates, but that doesn't mean I have to stay married to a soul mate if he isn't committed to making the marriage work. Pay attention to your instincts and know you deserve happiness and that you can have it w/ or w/o your WH. If you need to distance yourself, so be it. Let him know what you need and then stand by that. He may come around, but either way, you will be fine.

Just felt the desire to comment, since I know how you feel, just from a different stage of the game.

Take care! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

colddayinjuly, First let me say thank yoy for responding to my ealier post. I've been wrapped up in my husbands lattest deploments and scool so I haven't been online. Now that husband is gone I feel a little more at peace. I really do think it might be over for us. Before he left DH and I went to MC and MC told H before he left that he really should kind of give me hope or help me see some of his efforts before he leaves. I had asked him to answer some question and MC though completing the questions would be a good way to show me he was on board. Considering there were only 11 or so questions left and none of them were about A but about how he wanted to have things in our marriage and future. I guess I just needed to see that he really believed we were going to make it. Anyway He didn't complete it. I thought I'd be pissed of and mad. I'm not though just a little hurt. His inaction in that regard and just his behavior or lack of when I've tried to open up and reach out to him has me really considering ending things It's kind of sad though because this July we will be married for 5 years and I don't want it to all be for not. I guess this was just a learning experience.

I'm sorry your marriage isn't going better Cali. That's so sad, when you seem to have put in so much effort. I just don't get these guys.

Hugs,
J.

DH is on an opp now. And of course he's saying that he wants to make things better, blah, blah ,blah blah blah. However I need more tahn words I need action. I realize Ican't do this on my own and now I've grown tired of trying. We'll see how it all turns out.