OK .... that sounds like an invitation to me !! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Your thinking is emotionally-based here on MB so far.

If you can, settle yourself down, and find a calm internal place before you respond to any particular question. Especially a concrete-type question such as:

"What is your plan?"

If you respond with references to things your husband is "doing currently" or things your husband has "done" in the past .... you are wandering into a quagmire where you will always get stuck. Because your plan is all about YOU and YOUR plans ... things you intend to do .... concrete things that can be measured.

for instance: "I will read a marriage book and finish it by 10 days."

either you did this or you did not. your progress can be measured

and MOST importantly, YOU have the power to make your plan happen

if your plan is to get someone else to change his thinking/feelings/behaviors .... you power to complete your plan is very limited !

So .... here I am suggesting to you that you slow down, and answer the question about what your plans are .... in a direct, concrete way and make a plan that is within your power to carry through

otherwise .... you are still allowing another to define who you are

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

oh okay, now I get it too (I was a bit confused too).

AAO if this helps this was my plan when I wanted to change my crappy life.

1. get out of Reno

2. find a good 9 to 5 kind of job

3. buy a little house to fix up so I could have gardens and pets.

Of course within each goal were many smaller ones, such as put in my notice at the club, sell my stuff and buy fare home. Once home do up resumes to find job, show my parents I was serious about being respectable and stable so they would help with buying a house - etc.

Hope that helps also in understanding the question.

AAO,

I believe that everyone has done a good job of explaining my question to you. This is NOT about blame, in many respects your marriage it is not about blame. It is simply and totally about choices, options, and actions. You both had had plenty of choices, options and actions, and they have led to this mess.

I am not very interested in them frankly. I am interested in what you see as your choices, options, and actions. Are you going to fight for the marriage? Do you have the option to fight for the marriage? How will you fight for the marriage? Are you going to divorce him? What are you going to do if that is your decision?

Now before you make many choices or act on them, it is best to reflect on what YOU have learned about yourself, and what you feel you need from other people in your life. What sort of life do you want to lead? Weaver gave you an excellent example of her thought process and her choices and actions.

So sit back, think about this, and then start to talk about your choices, options, and actions. The people here will be happy to discuss them with you. You will get absolutely NOWHERE if you are focusing on BLAME. It did NOT help your H, it has not helped you.

Are we getting somewhere yet?

God Bless,

JL

Yes! WE are getting somewhere! I really love all of your advice and encouragement. I went to counseling today and I am going to dinner with 3 good girlfriends tonight. I will give all of this some good thought and write back tonight.
I don't think that there is anything that I can do to save the marriage at this point. I think that has to be my H's choice and decision. Our M was not worth saving the way it was--our family was, but unless both of us want to change, I don't see what I can do there. I will put that in God's hands, and I will focus on how I can be a better person.
Before I have a plan I need to have a goal. That is the hard part regarding my M. It takes two with the same goal. So, I will think of the goals I want for myself and establish a plan.......

Don't put it all on him, your part is to decide if you want to save the marriage. You might not be able to unilaterally decide to save it, but if you decide that you don't, the it won't happen. The only way it will be saved is if you decide you are willing to do your part.
I think you know many of the steps you can take to make it a safe place for your husband. Affairs, blame, anger and other LB's are not safe to build a marriage.

Listening and seeking to meet his needs, being totally honest without being cruel and angry is a good place to start.

I like the idea of asking God, let God be angry at your husband, if it's appropriate. Leave the vengance to God, and you try to find something to love in him is my advice.

So maybe your goal right now is to just work on you. So you work to eliminate LB's and meet your H's emotional needs, to be someone worthy of trust and love. I know you feel you are beautiful and smart enough and a great catch. However, does he feel he can trust you? If not, then you are probably doomed to repeat your mistakes in any new relationships.

You have the choice to become someone worthy of trust. That's what you have control over.

You are both people who made mistakes and have done selfish things. So don't use the DJ of saying he won't do it or that it depends on him. You are responsible for being the best person you can be.

It may work, it may not.

I'm a BS whose best wasn't good enough for my WW. But I'm a better man, and can hold my head high, that I worked on myself, my anger, my selfish ways.

While I'm not married, I have a better relationship with my YD and I am getting better at many other relationships in my life.

So I'm becoming a MB success, even after being divorced.

T

AAO, you are the wayward spouse, but your position at least to me, is understandable and not only that but I understand your position, even though I do not have enough perspective to understand if you are making the best choice for you. My opinion doesn’t add up to a hill ob beans anyway. It sounds that you may indeed be better off trying to take him for every cent; after all, half belongs to you no matter what the outcome of your relationship.

Still, like most opinions in this tread, I think it is important that you understand and take responsibility for the choices you made. I say that regardless of the fact that your husband pushed you into engaging in a ménage à trios. Oh boy, a threesome, as a man I must say that sounds like great fun. How much fun was it? He pushed as hard as was necessary to convince you that it was OK. Not only that, but you fell for the guy. I’m a fairly liberal guy, I grew up in the 60’s and I’ve been here and there, but you cannot ignore that you fell for this guy. I don’t think that was your husband’s intention. Being a guy, I am fairy certain that it was all about the excitement of a threesome. I am fairly certain that he was just a bit thrown by your ultimate reaction.

Listen, he may be a rotten [censored], but you did what you did. You know what I think about that? I think it is OK. If the marriage is wrong, it is wrong. Get out of it. Take yourself to a better place. You have the ability to make choices. You made one back on that night. You did it, not him. You took this other man. You were the one that was naked with him. YOU DID IT and I say, SO WHAT?

To me it sounds that you have made the decision not to be married to this man. Perhaps you will take residence with this other man; no one in these threads knows what you will do. But I suspect that you already have a preference.

If however, I have somewhat misjudged your position and you desire to attempt to see if there is a future with your husband then I say GO FOR IT. Why not, after all you have much invested in these many years. How many days has it been since you last talked to the OM? That is the key, isn’t it? Who are you anyway? Who do you want to be? Can your husband play a role?

Understand one thing; there is no husband so long as there is another man. So, what is your goal?

Talk is cheap, that is why there are so many to come to your assistance, but that does not mean that you are not getting the best advice around.

Mr. G

It was questioned whether I and another poster were one in the same. No, we aren't. I believe that the other poster is a FWS. I am not.

Nor

What was your previous screen name, NorExp?

It was/is Mizcriz

In determining my goals prior to having a plan, should I be considering my marriage? I don't want to be married under the circumstances that we have been. IF my H admitted that he has contributed to the disintegration of our M in the last few years, and IF he had true desires to change, then I would want to fight to save my M. But those are big IFs, and they are not in my power to do anything about. I do know that I have changes to make and I am willing to try. It has to be a two way street. I don't want to divorce if it is possible to save the marriage.
On the other hand, should I be only considering things that are in my power to measure and control-the changes that I need to work on for myself...

aao

you are cute.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

But know the second you started to base an smidgen of a goal on the IFS of anything about your husband..
I quit reading your post...

what are YOUR goals...

Do you want to be married...
then work your goals from there with clear long term expectations of the type of marriage partner you want to be and want to have.....

quit thinking of goal on anyone else but yourself...

ARK^^

in other words...

YES.

which means you do the things you say you would be willing to do if H did his part BEFORE knowing if he will do his part.

if your goal is to have a better marriage, then you do the work to make it better. it is true, he will have to eventually come on board too. what we are trying to explain to you this is your most likely way of getting him on board. you be the example. you treat him with love, you care for him. you make your needs clear, you do not LB, you explain your feelings calmly when your needs are not being met.

We are now in the midst of an ugly ugly divorce. He is trying to take the kids from me and he is saying he has no money. He has been on dates and it is definitely over.
It is hard to work on improving oneself when fighting for your life, but I am. I am working in therapy on why I chose an A as my way out. I am going to work on my lack of trust in people and how I used the OM and my H in order to feel safe. I am going to be okay no matter how things turn out. I can now be an honest person with no secrets, and that feels good. I had a second job interview and I think that I will love it. I have decided today that from now on, I will not communicate directly with my H, and I will certainately not react to the cruel things he says and does.I am going to church. Pray for my children.

Good luck to you on your personal recovery

...

be the person you can admire ...

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

To echo Pepper, good luck to you AAO.

Like your moniker suggests, you can do this!

Be a good mom and a good woman, and everything else will fall into place...

One little step at a time!

So glad to find an update from you.