Hi all

I've been lurking around for about a week now. This site, and all the reading I’ve done has already helped, but I thought it was time to introduce myself, and ask a few specifics.

I confirmed last weekend that my husband of nearly 7 years (no children - another issue that we need to work through!) has been having an affair with a colleague from work - they are both school teachers in the same department. They had been good friends for perhaps 3 years before that. I had always been a bit concerned about this person, but felt that I needed to trust my H, and was glad he had such a good friend at school, so said nothing. I think this was a mistake! She is 24, no ties, already had relationship with another man in the same department!

Apparently this friendship became a full-on physical relationship over a year ago, although H says that since Christmas they recognised that it needed to end, and have been trying. H increasingly withdrawn from me, texting and instant messaging her all the time. Even when I had arranged a week in France at our favourite place, with the intention of trying to find out what was going on, he contacted her more by text than he spoke to me in the whole week, using a head cold as an excuse.

Now it's all out in the open, he has said that he has finished it with her, isn’t going to contact her at all, and wants to work on our marriage. I am happy with this - I really want to work it out. I explained that the only way I felt I could get over it is if he moves schools and we move away, and get counselling asap. At first he agreed. I said I would leave it to him to organise - wanting to see his commitment. Obviously there is none!

A week later there is no attempt to contact a counsellor (I knew he wouldn't want to do this – he thinks he can deal with everything himself), no evidence of looking for a new job (and a lot of talk about 'what if I can't find a new job', 'I don't want to move for just any job', 'what about my career'). The earliest he can move is the end of this term (11 weeks time) and that means getting a new teaching job in the next four or five weeks. Having looked at his mobile phone I can see that she is still texting him, and when I signed on to instant messenger using his name and password she was very quick to initiate a conversation. They also have to work together every day at school, and everyone from their dept goes out for a drink on a Friday night (which I used to be invited to, but not for a long time) - he went out for this drink (didn't stay long) on Friday - she was there, but he didn't tell me until asked directly.

We had quite a good weekend, taking care of each other, and spending time together doing the garden, but I can't help feeling that he is trying to have his cake and eat it. I really want to believe that he is not responding to her approaches - but he has also broken down and cried about the fact that he feels he has lost both me and his best friend. I don't think I was very sympathetic, and told him I had also lost my husband and best friend, at the same time. I feel now that I just can't trust anything that he says. Every time he leaves the house to go to school I am convinced that they are back to being ‘buddies’, and imagine them laughing at me behind my back. It’s tearing me apart.

A couple of years ago I suffered from a period of very bad depression, where I was only really able to look after myself, and drew a lot of support from him, without being able to give any affection back. Although I was very much improved (pretty much back to my old self) before this A started, he seems to be using this as the main reason for attachment to other woman - lack of affection on my part (and I acknowledge my part in this) but I think it is actually more to do with not growing up, and not wanting to take responsibility for anything – especially having a family.

What happens now though? I am just trying to cope with doing my job (I work from home as a writer). I don't know how to move on if he won't commit to doing even the immediate things - NC, moving house, counselling etc.

Any ideas? Should I tell anyone about the A? His work? (She has no other partner, so I can’t take any pleasure from revealing the A to anyone close to her). I have talked to a married couple who are very good friends of ours - they are very positive about marriage, and I knew they would support both of us. Very wise people too. Husband from this couple used to be my husband's best friend at his last school - a much more healthy arrangement!!! Have avoided telling our families – I think I’d rather not go there at the moment.

Thanks for listening - feels a bit better just having got it all written down. Maybe now I'll be able to work today (or I'll be looking for a new job too!!)

Hope to hear from some of you soon

unhappy_badger

Good Morning, sorry you had to join our club but you are in the right spot to get help and advice.

If you haven't done so already, read and reread the info on infidelty in the main body of this site. Also, WATs quick start guidelines are very helpful. Develop a good plan A to combat the affair.

Exposure will help bring the A to an end. The most logical place, in my mind, would be to school administrators.

Take care of yourself and look at starting a course of anti-depressents.

There will be more experienced members that will post to you and you will find them very helpful, I did.

Vaya Con Dios,
ktu136

Thanks for your comments,

Good to know there are people out there who understand. Didn't really ever expect to join this club, but there you go ...

Very nervous about speaking to school - maybe head of department? Give H and OW time to end it, with threat of speaking to school? or just plough straight in regardless? Warn H when I'm going to do it?

unhappy_badger

Hi,

Welcome. Horrible to have to be here, but tis is the best place to be.

Let me address one of your points. Your H's lack of motivation in arranging for the MC. You will have to do this. Your H is deep in the fog, in grief, in withdrawal. He is in no state to be able to do much of anything but function.

Call around today. Find a pro-M MC (actually many here swear by Steve Harley - find him through this site).

Your Recovery cannot begin as long as there is contact w/the OW. Period.

Regarding exposure: If you are going to do this, don't threaten, just do it. But weigh carefully the consequences, if any, for your H in relation to getting his next job. Telling the families can be useful in bringing pressure to end contact.

Post often!

I wish you the best of luck and blessings.
-----------------------------------------------------------
me-50-FBS FWH-44 M-6/84 3 great kids
A-2/03-5/04 Dday-5/8/04 WD/Fog-5/04-9/04 NC ltr-9/3/04
In recovery with God's help

Just my opinion, but don't even bother with counseling at the moment. It would be money wasted. He is still actively involved in an affair. "trying to end it"....please!

"Either do or don't do -- there is no try" (my favorite Yoda quote!)

Ignore him for the moment and focus on yourself. Do you want your marriage? Really truly want to fix it? You need to develop a plan. Keep your attention focused on YOUR PLAN. Really try to forget about him for the moment.

First step -- Plan A. Identify the Emotional Needs you were not meeting. Sounds like you have some ideas on that. Start finding ways to meet those needs and make it become your lifestyle. Implement that immediately.

Second step -- Expose the affair. Begin with family, his and yours. Look for support for the marriage. Expose at work next. Do not use this as a threat or to coerce his behavior (as in stop or I'll tell) View this as part of your overall strategy.

Third step -- set your time limit and identify your boundries. Plan A of meeting your WH's needs is for a short amount of time. 3 months, 4 months -- its up to you. But set a specific date of when this will end. At the same time, identify what MUST occur for him to be allowed to stay in your marriage -- no contact with OW, what he must do to please you. Write a letter to H explaining your love for him, your boundries for his return to your marriage, and then the rules for him to follow in Plan B.

Fourth Step -- Plan B. Remove yourself from the cycle of him having 2 women meeting his needs. Allow the OW to try to do all of the things you do for him. The fantasy is over and time for real life to begin. Affairs don't survive real life. This is most likely where the affair will end -- so don't avoid Plan B!!!

Can you do this?

Give H and OW time to end it...

What time do they need? Are you really willing to let your H keep having an A under the guise of "ending it?"

As need to go cold turkey.

Thanks for all your advice and support

I feel in a very odd situation. Last night I left some of the MB info around, with the suggestion that he read it. He went a bit mental with the notion that I had posted on a website, and also got freaked out about me reading text messages on his phone and installing spyware on the pc (which wasn’t hidden very well). He understands why I don’t trust him, but asked that I should just speak to him rather than nosing about. Doesn’t seem to understand that at this point words are not enough.

At least his anger actually spurred him into doing something – he rang ‘Relate’ and made arrangements for someone to ring us with a counselling appointment, and did look at information on the internet about other teaching jobs elsewhere – he has taken the telephone numbers to school to ring for info today – so we’ll see on that one.

He is adamant that he hasn’t had any but essential work contact with the OW since this was revealed, and I am minded to believe him, although I am very concerned that maybe he isn’t initiating anything, but she certainly still is – three text messages from her over the weekend – they were all about nothing, and didn’t make any suggestion of meeting up etc – but H didn’t tell me he had received them, when I asked me to tell me about any contact from her. He said he thought they were irrelevant, and she was probably just drunk. At present I am trying to believe that there isn’t any significant contact, but worry that she is still ready to step into my shoes and support my H the minute things between us get difficult when we are trying to rebuild. What can I do about this though?

T4J – your comment about not exposing at work because of how it might affect H finding another job – I think I was of similar concern – and maybe this was what was holding me back here – although I would love to do it just for the satisfaction of making both their lives considerably more uncomfortable. I don’t think this is a good enough reason though.

My plan is to try to do a lot more positive things together, and try to get a bit closer, whilst keeping an eye and supporting the search for another job. Basically the search for this year can go on about another 6 weeks max, then it will be too late to move in September. I’m trying not to think about this possibility – not sure I can handle them seeing each other at school every day for another year, but not many teaching jobs come up mid-year. H has adamantly refused to do teacher supply – arguing that this would be difficult for us to get a mortgage (I only have a temporary contract, so if neither of us had a permanent job) and that this would put more pressure on us which we don’t need.

As you can see, I’m still floating about in the mire …

Any further thoughts?

U_badger