Ok, I am finally able to post here after establishing an entirely new account! I was previously Mixed-up Molly for anyone looking to be filled in on my background.

Here goes! 3 weeks ago WH made up his mind that he would have NC w/OW and said he really wanted to work on our marriage, said he had not really been working on it at all since d-day. It was like he had an 'awakening'. I was very scared because he had been to atty that day for a consultation to find out what would happen if we were to seperate. I of course questioned his sincerity because he has lots to lose if we split, big house, business, several cars, etc., but also lots of debt, not to mention alimony & child support. He didn't say much about what his atty told him other than we would both be 'in the hole'. But he told me that he did not want to stay w/me just for financial reasons or for our daughter, but for us to be happy, and that he really wants to work at that.

I know that that night he saw OW & told her that it was over, that he needed to work at his marriage. Had NC for 10 days, then she apparently felt compelled to call him to confirm his decision & to tell him that she did not appreciate him leaving her 'hanging' for the past 10 days. I asked if he did not make it clear that it was over when they last spoke, he said she told him she did not believe that he was done w/her & that she was expecting him to come back & that is why she called after 10 days to confirm. He told me the call was less than 1 min, I believe it because I have proof of that on the cell bill. I haven't pushed the issue of the NC letter yet because we have been focusing on each other's EN's.

We have been to two MC sessions together the past 3 weeks, and I have been to IC w/same counselor 2 times, he has been one time. Things have been going ok. But WH has gone through some severe depression over the past 2 weeks & has said some even more hurtful things. Said he does not know if we were ever 'in love', that he loves me but is not 'in love' w/me, yada yada yada. I can't stand that. He said he is not sure why he got married, why we had DD so young, and how it got this far gone. Says we may have both been fooling ourselves all of this time & maybe we were never in love. Says he feels that we are not friends, companions, and soul mates. I am so frustrated!!!!!! Said that we have nothing in common, we are two totally different people. Duh! Isn't everyone?!? I agree that we have done nothing but grow further apart from day one. Neither of us has ever done anything to meet the other's EN's. But I don't feel that this is a hopeless marriage. But the more negative he is the more I just feel like giving up.

I have started dressing more freely, I have started opening up to more adventerous things. I have tried to spend more recreational time w/WH. I am trying really hard to work on my self-esteem issues also. But I haven't seen much change from WH yet at all. I feel that I am getting nothing back from all of my efforts. WH says that he doesn't think that people should have to change just to be happy in their marriage, he thinks we should just be happy w/who each other is & that if we are not that maybe we aren't meant to be. I keep telling myself that this is the depression, that he is still unsure just like I am. He has also said he is afraid that he might do this to me again. He admitted to 2 other ONS's, I have a deep feeling that there may have been more. But he says that all of the A's were due to him not being happy @ home. That if he was happy @ home why would he be doing these things? I can't answer that for him, but I think he has other issues to be dealt with that are making him unhappy. The MC does not want him taking anti-depressants @ this time as she strongly thinks he is bi-polar & that AD's could throw him into a more manic state. I also think that he may be & that the A's are linked to this. But whether or not he is, he knows right from wrong & that doesn't change what he did or lessen the hurt.

Please help!! I need some encouragement to keep working @ this. It has only been a couple of weeks of NC & I feel that is not long enough for either of us to know what we want, but this is so hard!!!!

Molly,

He is full of fog babble so don't let that get to you. I have heard the same thing. Use reverse babble in a kind manner.

Keep trying.

Molly-

In a way, this actually sounds like it's going well, from the other end of things at least. It sounds like he's in withdrawl to me...which means that hopefully the NC is holding since the OW's little contact.

Hang in there, realize that he's NOT going to be able to do much to work on the R with you until he gets clear of the withdrawl from the A...he's too focused with what he thinks he 'lost' there to start working with you yet. But that will change. Make sure that the NC sticks!!!!!!!!!! That is the biggest thing you've got to deal with at this point...as long as that sticks, things WILL improve in time.

Just keep on plugging through it right now, and you'll see light.

MM -

Have you read SAA? If not, get a copy - many of the things your H is saying right now are in the book. He is going through withdrawal - just keep on like you are....hang in there!

TM

I have read SAA & reading it again. I am working hard on plan A & meeting WH's ENs.

Any suggestions on how to survive WH's withdrawl & depression since he can't take the AD's? I have tried to be upbeat & happy, but it is hard when he is so negative all the time!!

Hi Molly,

I, too, had to establish a new account in order to post. I used to be 'afterall'.

Your H is, as others have said, way deep in the Fog, which IS good b/c, as you have proven, NC is in effect. So, good for that; it will pass.

It is SO hard to be upbeat and positive when the WS is going thru WD, more so b/c your H has BPD, and is not being medicated. I question that, though. Ask his C if he can be medicated for BPD.

Harley says your efforts right now at increased affection and SF will be largely wasted b/c WH can't appreciate them due to WD. I am not sure I agree, b/c your H will look back at this time, IMO, and appreciate that you were there for him in his darkest hours. I know my H feels this way.

Keep doing what you are doing. Take care of yourself. Post here often. Good luck and blessings.
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me-50-FBS FWH-44 M-6/84 3 great kids
A-2/03-5/04 DDay-5/8/04 WD-5/04-9/04 NC ltr 9/3/04
In Recovery with God's help

Thanks for the encouragement. It is good to hear the positive support from someone who has been there. All of my friends cannot understand how I am continuing to go through this, they have the attitude that they would never stick around. But I feel that until you are in this situation you have no idea what you would do.

I am going to talk w/MC tomorrow about WH's depression to see what more can be done. She told me she did not want to bring the BPD up w/him too soon because she was afraid he might run out the door, but that makes it so hard for me to deal with knowing that things might look up some if he were treated.

Thanks again to everyone here for all the kind words!