Hi. I really hope someone can help me. I have been married since may 2004 and now my husband is filing for a divorce.

At first, I posted as this being a crisis of "living together" thinking that this was normal couple stuff, that happens in the first years of living together. Although we were living together before the marriage for 2 yrs.
But in the end I think what it is is an affair..... so classic, typical and so obvious.

I think I just refused, didn't want to face facts.
But here they are.... He went to a polterabend last weekend of november with his old military buddies. These buddies have suddenly reentered his life since august 2004 (they had a get-together) and that weekend he did not call me. I called him several times and his mobile was off and when he finally called, he just said, he had the phone in his rucksack so he hadn't heard it.
But normally he would have called me ... just to say "hi".

From then .. he did not want sex with me .. no touching, caressing.
At first he told me, he was feeling cold inside .. that he was just tired of everything but he would get over it. That he still loved me ..he just didn't "feel".

So I tried to talk to him many many times....
I moved back to my mums from January-beginning of March cos he needed time to think. When I asked of what he had thought out .. he just said he wanted a separation. That our relationship could never work and that's is. Thats his explanation.

I moved back in .. trying to win him back (me being desperately in love).
He goes away every weekend. He says he goes with his new military buddies (God I hate them!!). Now I have never seen nor heard these guys. I do think they exist however that there is a girl there too .. or whatever.


But here are the facts .. please let me know what you think:

His mobile is always off when he is gone. And when he is home with me (we sleep in separate bedrooms) he has the mobile on him ALL the time!!.. Even to the bathroom

And someone from his work (he has a company mobile) saw his bill. He had called for a small fortune and there was one mobile number repeated a million times. Unfortunately he had no time to write down the number.

And when he comes home from the weekends he runs to put his clothes in the washing machine ....

And I found a long hair on his clothes from one time I ran thru his weekend-clothes.

And he brought home this white ladies jersey. Smelt of woman. But when I asked him he said he had found it work (true he brings home a lot of stuff) and he liked. When I said it was a ladies jersey, he said "no". And when I said it smelt of woman, he also just said "no".
And the next day he put it on going out ... was it just to convince me that it was his?? Or is it his??? ... strange

He distances a lot from me. He says he wants to remain friends with me but he doesn't talk to me at all. I try talking friendly and normally to him and he answers shortly. He avoids me a lot. He says it´s becos he doesn't know how to act around me, that he doesn't want to hurt me ...
I think it's bull, cos I told him he is hurting me by behaving like this.

And finally I found a reciept on him having bought silver .. (jewels) last wednesday .. just before he left for the weekend. And he isn't wearing any new necklace or bracelet... A gift for her ..??

Of course I have asked him. He says "no" .. I have not told him about my "evidence" cos I want a name ..or I dunno. I suppose I want something more solid. And becos when he says "no" that it's my own stupid ideas, I start doubting a lot. What if I am wrong?
It's a strong accusation and alhtough I have let him know I suspect him .. that's what he uses to make me think .. that I am the "bad" one accusing him of such thing.

And it confuses me. My friends tell me .. it definetely surely an affair.
CAn you please let me hear your comments .. so that I know that I am not mad!! ...
Please... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Dear tkb,

so sorry for your pain ((((tkb))))

I don't think you're mad. All your evidence points towards this. Under the circumstances, you've come to the right place.

This website is an excellent place to start - have you read all of the information about affairs and Plan A on here? There are also books that are exrememly useful, like Torn Asunder by Dave Carder and Survivign an Affair. ALso, please check out the link to Bob's Plan for the Newly Broken Hearted.

Plan A involves avoiding all LBs, trying to work out ENs and fill them as best you can, keeping calm, and exposing! So you do need to keep copies of all your evidence and keep it in a safe place. Exposing means that you first have to find out all of the information you can. Can you get a copy of the cell phone bill? Is there any way you can find out more information about this number your H called?

Please try and look after yourself as best you can. Do you have any friends or counsellors that you could turn to? A counselling session with Steve Harley, Peggy at dear Peggy or Penny at SYMC could be a useful thing as they are very experienced at dealign with affairs. Otherwise, any counsellor will be good for you if you need someone to talk to. This forum is very good, there are a lot of people who have experience with this so keep pposting! I will bump up Bob's guide for you.

Dear TKB,

As the old saying goes, "if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck."

But you already knew that, didn't you? It is so hard to believe the one we love so much would betray us in this way. But there it is.

Smur has given you good advice. Fight for your marriage, starting with Plan A. If you feel up to it, get some evidence of the affair, something he can't get around (like tailing him to one of his little weekend outings, or hiring a Private Investigator to do it for you). Once it is in the open he'll have to face you. And if you've been doing a good Plan A he'll be conflicted on what to do.

I am sorry you are in this position. But I want you to know not all is lost.

~ Snow