Very, very sad today. It has been 6 months since WW moved out and I thought I would be used to this by now but I just am not. The anxiety seems to have left but the depression hit me again last week when I found out she is in a PA. I keep working, spending time with the kids, pursuing my hobbies, etc but just so darn depressed after learning of the PA. I am on anti-depressants and have a wonderful IC.

The PA bothers me so much because my WW is now sharing something that only her and I were to ever share. That was sacred to me and is something that I feel only 2 loving people can share. I never strayed from my wife, not even once. I once had an opportunity at a conference with a very attractive woman that attended with me. She came to my room late at night and laid down on my bed when I answered the door. I acted oblivious to her actions and said I was tired and opened the door for her to leave. Was I tempted? You bet. But my love for my wife stopped me and I will never regret it.

Over the years my wife has accused me of having affairs and sometimes even tried trapping me by putting a love note in my pocket from an old girlfriend and setting up a fictitious email address to respond to. If I was even 15 minutes late coming home from work she would question it. I always assured her that I love her. I sometimes think since she has had these EA's, she thinks that everyone has them (including me).

Her EA’s happen fast, as little as a day. The minute it happens, she wants out of the marriage. She always says the EA is not an EA but just a special friend to talk to. These special friends normally are someone she just met. Last one was at her current job, the first week she started.

She has rewritten our marriage into some horrible 19-year trap that she needed to escape from. I know better because in between these episodes we had a loving relationship. She has alienated herself from all of her friends and rewritten our marriage.

Our friends tell me that she will come back some day because I am a great husband and father. I do want her back, but not the WS. Why do I love someone that treats me like this? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Just down today and needed to vent. Any encouragement would be welcome.

Quote "Why do I love someone that treats me like this?"

Isn't this the question we're all trying to find the answer to? I hope your mood lifts soon. I'm also separated (5 mths). It's lousy but better than sharing a bed with a spouse who's sharing their heart and body with someone else. I couldn't bear it. TT

Keith...nothing but hugs from me. My WH also says there is nothing wrong with the EA...it is a friendship and that the problem is not about her (OW) but all about me. I agreed and said it was definitely 100% about me and his lack of respect, that he might as well be spitting in my face when he goes to the bars he knows she frequents and goes running in her neighborhood.
Unfortunately for both of us the writing is on the wall. One minute I never want to see him again the next minute I have a hole that only he can fill. The cycle of pain repeats over and over....and I wonder how am I ever going to get thru!!! AD's, deep breaths, running, friends, children....that is my answer. Do those things make the pain go away? No...do I continue to allow myself back into the pit? Yes. One minute I say to myself "to hell with him...I deserve better...if he doesn't want me...it is his loss" next minute "please come home...I love you...why are you doing this...." I am trying so hard to go dark...but my addiction to him keeps telling me to reach out and remind him how much I love him (just in case he forgot). Does it make him want to come back? Probably not...Does it change things? Probably not.....why do I do it? Because I am an idiot in love with an idiot.

You don't have to forget your love for her...but remind yourself that she is not being the wife you fell in love with, not is she being one you would want to stay in love with. I think it is time for both of us to build our walls to save ourselves, to construct very big ladders on which to crawl out of our holes. A friend reminded me that many things happen in life that have no explanation and cannot be stopped. ie cancer, car accidents, tornados...life is uncertain and we are but a small part of the chaos.

Fill free to vent and email. Please consider joining the class/support group.

I'm in a similar boat.


My wife started that pitch on me from the time we were married. She said "you'll have an affair, all me do" Her father had an affair and left her mother. I firmly reassured her that not all men do that. I just don't associate with those types of men.

Your wife is protecting herself from intimacy. Did she ever tell you "Just when I finally let myself love you, you're going to die." I've heard that one only once or twice, but it stuck with me.

It seems our wives cling to fantasies of the OM because they're afraid reality will hurt too much. My wife continues to correspond with her last boyfriend. She's decided he is the one true love of her life. How would she know?? She's never opened up to him or had to share a bathroom with him.

We love them because we see a beautiful loving woman inside that we want to help out. We're sensitive men who want our wives to be happy, and we're sure we're the best ones to do that. BUT, we cannot make them drop their shields and discover what love is. They have to want to do that themselves. They need to hit rock bottom before that happens. I thought my wife might be there, but I don't know. She's pretty close. She's never cried this much ever.

Be the beacon of hope and strength. Be cheerful around her. Don't let HER words affect you.

The physical act of love we take so seriously is different for them. They believe their feelings justify the physical demonstration of love with that person. When we're enticed, we have been able to resist. I've been enticed, even recently. I won't do it!

Hang in there. I've been told there's eventual happiness for us. If our wives don't recognize it, there are women out there who do! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
It's just not time to find those women yet.

SIS

Homer, Could you send me your email address? I lost it.
bhinwi@hotmail.com

SIS,

What a wonderful response. I could not have said it better.

Yes ladies, there are men out there that don't cheat. There are men out there that don't just jump in the sack with anyone. For me, there has to be love and commitment. It has to mean something.

I so wish my WW felt that way.

Hi Keith,
My WH also seems to think there is nothing wrong with an EA. Of course he would not call it an EA. Over the years he's been friends with several women "contacts" at jobs he's had. He's done lunch with them on several occassions supposedly and thinks there is nothing wrong with that. ( I never knew about any of this until recently.)
In fact, on Dday number #2, just a couple weeks ago, he admitted to canceling his old email so I'd believe he wasn't contacting OW. Then he opened a new email acctthat I didn't know about. His reasoning?
He thought he and OW could still be friends after this all blew over!! Ya right! I'd told him many times that she has to be out of his life completely for it to ever be really over. He played along. Said he understood that. He had been following the MB concepts with me, after all.

GRRRR - that's what really makes me mad. He played along and continued the EA. Who knows the PA probably wasn't over either for all I know.

Hugs to you Keith.