I have been lurking on MB for about three months now. I found out husband was/is having an A. I found evidence (i.e., cards and cell phone log) and he stated that they were "just friends, someone he can talk". By the message in the card I believe it is not just a EA but a PA. He is really mad how I found out, he feels as if I violated his privacey, (Yes, I know, not his privacy but his secrecy). "I betrayed his trust." He is not giving me much information, him not knowing what I might already know. I took my time at saying something to him about it, cuz I was tracking his comings and goings, to make sure. I am coming to believe that there is more to this saga than I have uncovered so far. I know this relationship has been going on for quiet some time (possibly 2 years, I believe she is a co-worker also, but not directly). I have read this site and SAA and have been doing a great Plan A. Things actually seemed to be getting better, or at least the smoke cloud that he was giving me made be believe so. He knows just how far to push me before he will reel me back in. He tells me that there is no longer in contact, but I don’t believe that at all. It is like he is overly trying to be nice to me so that I will stop “investigating him”. Well things were ok until this past weekend. Saturday was great, spent the whole day together (as he would say it was my “time”). But Sunday, I slipped and LB’d big time. Since he spent Saturday with me, he was out on Sunday, I called him, didn’t get an answer, I left a message, a sappy one, that I missed him and wish we were spending the day together since the weather was so beautiful outside. Waited another 4 hours, I call again and he is in a bad mood. When he gets home, he tells me that he has been doing some thinking, and (again) he thinks that he may want a Divorce. That he is tired of having to feel like he has to justify where he is at and what he is doing all the time. I never asked him to do so, he does this on his own. (quilt) AND… the other side of the sword, “You haven’t given me any children”, WH and I have been married 8 years, together 11, we have been unable to have children on our own. We went thru Infertilty treatment (IVF) once. It did not work. He led me to believe he was ok with not having children, that it was in God’s hands that he didn’t want to try again and now he throws this at me. He said “he stays cause he loves me but it is not enough, he wants children. Hello….so do I. And I am willing to do whatever it takes to make that dream come true.

Having an Affair is one thing, I would fight for that, but knowing in my heart that I am “depriving” him of having children, (He has no children and is the only child) is another thing. Now I am seriously considering letting him go. He refuses to go to MC, he refuses to go back for infertility treatment (which both of our insurance covers 100%). He says to me “I can go and be with OW to have a child”. (She knows all about this issue of ours). Which leads me to believe this may be already in the making. He eludes that I know more than I am saying I know about OW, therefore he will not tell me anything. I truthfully don’t know anything, just a name, a possible phone number and address that is linked to this phone number.

Monday, I didn't talk all day, I or either he usually calls each other throught the day. He did say "I love you" before leaving for work.

Today, Tuesday, he acts if nothing happen, a little standofish, says I love you, I called him, he commences to tell me what his plans are for the day (he's off today) as if nothing was said at all. I know he was drinking the other night (sunday), but not drunk. I know that real feelings come out. It seems as if he as been getting it from both sides (me and OW). I think she is getting tired of waiting. i.e., I found a OW blouse on myside of the bed when I returned from going out of town for the weekend. This is what prompted by investigation. OW get tired also. and he is sitting on the fence - cake eating.

Should I ask him about Sunday conversation, (divorce and how he feels about not having kids?

Any help, suggestions are appreciated. I don’t know what to do know. I know his loves me, but this childless marriage may be the deaf of us.

Baloney.

Just another WS justification. Don't give this any more credibility than any other reason he might throw at you.

Don't ask him anything. No relationship talk.

Plan A, Plan A, Plan A.

Oh, and save that blouse.

What have you done for exposure?

WAT

Two, I hate to say this but it sounds like a full blown PA to me. Are you sure OW is not already pg? I would hire a PI at this point and get the whole truth so you can decide what you want to do. Very sorry for your sitch.

ditto FF's suggestion to find out all you can whether OW is PG. His "no children" excuse could be driven by his rationalization of the predicament he's found himself in.

WAT

WH got rid of the shirt. Before leaving for work the next morning, I had draped it over him while he was asleep. When I got home, I asked where it was, he said he threw it away, since it wasn't mine and he didn't know whose it was. Yeah right. Probably took it with him as evidence to confront OW as to why she would do that. He got too comfortable and let his guard down with her. And, yes in the back of my mind I too believe a child may be in the makings, just not sure. I think back on comments he made... such as at tax time, with no children we only have the house to claim, he states "I will have to find someones child to claim next year" as that was aforewarning. We do not file together.

Today he acts if nothing happen the other night (he was drinking). I will continue to plan A. But I also feel like I need to detach some. (For my own sainity). I am considering giving in, to his divorce plea, especially if he brings it up again. Hearing that comment "you not giving me a child" cuts real deep with me and I don't want him to feel as if I stopped him from his "dream" and he throw it in my face again later.

A PI is very expensive, I have been trying to do my own investigating. I know where she lives. I have been by there and seen his car. Plus, husband is an officer and has many PI friends (narc etc.). That's why he is more pissed off that I found out. He thought he was covering his tracks. As if I violated him.

I have been wanting to contact the OW. She seems as if she may be reaching her limit also. He asked me this morning if I texted messaged him yesterday. I told him No, why. Because the message he received sounded as if it would have been from me. He didn't respond to it. So it must have been from OW, and she probably was being sappy so he figured it must have been me. Could she be now LB'ing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />!!!

As far as exposure. I am sure his friends (fellow officers) know and condone it. They are all doing the same thing. (What a crew!). His mother....that is treading on thin ice there. We use to be very close, the only person I had to talk to. Well she didn't handle her only son's indecretions to well. Especially when she sees things first hand (not meaning A, but just him being a "husband"). We got close to seperating before, same issue (may be same OW) 3 years ago. She had a stroke (his mother) and blames it on our problems, her being too involved. So I chose note to discuss this new development with her. Just yet. OW is not married. I think that the only thing that is going to shake WH is Plan B. We were close to it before and he came around. Like I said before, he knows just how far to push me before he will do what's necessary to reel me back in, but with this new side of "the sword - childless". I don't know.

Should I contact OW? When I told him I new about her, he just assumed I talked to her that whatever she said she is lying. That he would 3 way her so that she would tell me on the phone. Of course I couldn't talk then I was at work.

I just feel so lost. I am tired of thinking about this constantly. I feel like I am in limbo land. Very sad, but trying to be upbeat around him. Very hard. My home business is sufferring big time. I can not concentrate on it at all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Again, it's not his "dream" as much as it's his excuse du jour. Don't take this excuse seriously.

I say, yes, contact OW only to inform her that you are not seeking a divorce and you are still married, etc. (Others will disagree with this.) The purpose of this contact should be solely to contradict whatever lies your H has told about your situation. Do not try to reason with OW or provoke her in any way. If you choose to contact her DO NOT tell your H you plan to do this. And be prepared to be confronted by H soon after you do it.

WAT

I don't often agree with contacting OP because it is hurtful to you but in this case I believe WAT is correct. Just contact her to contradict what you WH has told her about the status of you M. Then do NOT engage with her. OP's lie to get what they want. Do you have access to his cellphone? Can you see the text messages?

Again, I am so sorry for you going through this again.

I am not exactly sure what WH told OW about our status. I am a little nervous to call. Not quiet sure what to say..."OP just calling to say that H and I are working on our marriage, we are not planning on divorcing and I would appreciate it if you give us the space we need to do so." I guess that won't go over to well. Or maybe I can ask the status of their relationship. To me, when OW left the blouse, it was her way of letting me know she is in the picture (if in fact it was her???). Forcing his had.

Any comments or suggestion are greatly appreciated. I can't go on like this. This has been festering for some time. I have just recently took action. He asked me why it took me so long to say something. He new I new something when he realized the cards we missing out of his car (3 months ago, but always suspected something). I can tell something is bothering him. And maybe it is a new "predicament" that he got himself into and don't know how to handle. He seems so back and forth him self. Don't know which way to fall off the fence. I am rambling now. But it helps so much to be here on MB. I have learnt so much and it is comforting.

OK, here are my recommendations - please consider the comments or disagreements from others as this is rarely a unanimous conclusion.

First, tell your H you know about his affair, it hurts you deeply and it's totally disrespectful of you. You want to repair your marriage, but this cannot begin until he severs all contact with OW - and use her name. Then no more relationship talk unless he offers rational thoughts. Do not go for the "childless" bait. Adoption is a better alternative than adultery - by far.

Second, if you choose to contact OW, use your own suggested sentence: "OP just calling to say that H and I are working on our marriage, we are not planning on divorcing and I would appreciate it if you give us the space we need to do so." Of course that won't go over too well and she'll have no intention of "honoring" your request. You'd be invading her "privacy." (Where's that :rolleyes: face?) She may rant and rave and spew all sorts of crap at you. Just listen and keep notes. Do not let her provoke you. She will likely say something that could come in useful with your H down the road - so listen to as much crapola as she volunteers. Oh, and don't believe a word she says. The point of this apparently "useless" exercise? Introducing turmoil to the affair - or building on it. Then never contact her again.

Your H will be furious that you did this. Good. Turmoil, remember? He'll claim he was just getting ready to break it off with her, but now you had to go and screw things up. Blah, blah, blah. :rolleyes: Translation: "You upset my fantasy."

This is a calculated LB on your part - just like exposure. As long as you do it all with grace and calm, you minimize the LB. In the process you take a stand for your marriage and yourself and you communicate to both OW and your H that you are a force to be reckoned with.

WAT

Thanks WAT. I truly appreciate your advice.

I am a little aprehensive on contacting her. My H has gotten very irrate when it comes to invading his so-called privacey, to the point that I want to leave the house to avoid his confrontations, (no hitting just very loud, in your face confrontations,but close). Like the episode this past Sunday when he came home in a tyrant. I got up to leave. He told me if I left don't come back. I am like this is just as much my house as it is yours. I was leaving cause I could see the rage coming. He has gotten phsyical once, pushing. He tells me I am on strike 3 as far as violating his trust/privacy. Officers (corrections) are the most temper fueled people. Doesn't take much to set him off.

I agree that this A is his choice not his solution to us be childless or any of his EN not being met. If that was the case I would of had an affair long ago.

So I will think of contacting before I do. I will see where he is coming from the next few days. But how can he make a statement like he did Sunday (thinking of Divorce) and then not make any mention of it afterwards, like it didn't happen. That's what leaves me in limbo. That's what I really want to talk about. I actually called him out at the time. I said, OK let's do it. File for Divorce. He had nothing to say. See I think that he is egging me on to be the one to file so that he saves face with his family. He is very private person, exposure to family would be determental to me. He wants to appear to be the good. Not sure I would go there.

I will talk to him one last time, and then no more relationship talk and continue Plan A. If I get the opportunity to do so, he has been evading me. Hasn't called me at all while at work. Not like him. And he got home late as usual last night.

I have to say, he is wearing me down, I am getting there. I am starting to really wonder is this really worth it. I have to really rethink my marriage.

[color:"blue"] When the WH is a police officer (AKA a man who carries a weapon and knows how to use it) ... I ask the BW to exercise extreem caution during confrontational discussions.

Most large urban departments have some family support resources available to officers and family. Have you contacted the department head to ask for referals to such a person paid for by the dept?

I would get it ON RECORD somewhere that you are in crisis, and you are actively seeking help, and you are a little more intimidated by your husband than usual.

Get a record started of there being a crisis.

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />[/color]

If you are afraid he will become violent if you contact her, then don't do it. It's not worth the risk.


Because he's reading right from the WS script. This is what WSs say in their stupor. Remember, he's had his brains scrambled by the aliens. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Do not try to make sense out of what they say or don't say.

WAT