I've been trying to work my way through this mine field called recovery for several months. For many reasons, I've really had some huge problems emotionally with my wife's affair. It's really killing me inside. Eating away at my guts. Driving my out of my tree.

I try to push things out of my head. But, they keep coming back. I try to focus on the positive but, the negatives keeps coming back into focus.

In the past couple of weeks I've totally lost it , yelling and screaming at my wife. Just ranting. But, my rants scared her. I've done serious damage!

I did some reading. (Not Just Friends) trying to get my arms around what is going on inside me. The biggy: I've not forgiven her.
Her affair ended back last summer/fall.
She did continue to work with OM until last week. That had constantly torn my guts out.
I've tried to talk to her about it calmly, but each time she would feel I was attacking her. This "stuff" would fester and fester....until I exploded.
I'm not going to try and defend my emotional outburst. I was wrong!
But my wife won't talk to me.....won't allow me to talk to her. I'm left trying to sort this stuff out on my own.
Her whole affair, her being in love with OM, the lying, the sex. Each one of those slices at me in different ways, at different times.


My wife isn't willing to talk to me because she blames me for her affair.
My part in this isn't so innocent. Several years back I found a message board, similar in many ways to this one. Just much more personal. BUT NOT SEX! Not Cybersex or anything like that. It was a group of people I became friends with. My wife felt because I didn't tell her about it, that I was having an EA with one of the women. While I wasn't, my wife felt that way, and in many ways I fit the profile of a person who was carrying on an online EA. Not telling spouse about it, lying about things, secret email account, talking/complaining about my life/marriage to other people.
My wife found out. She feels I had an EA.

I tried to explain. Nothing doing.

I broke off contact with these people I knew online. About a year later the women sent me an email. I then, sent emails back and forth with her for about a year....one email a week.

Again, my wife found out. I wasn't telling her, more so now, she feels I was cheating, why would I tell her....
HIND SIGHT IS 20-20....I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT MB and AFFAIRS AT THAT POINT. I did so much wrong. A 1000 times over I'm not making excuses to her for what I did. I have tried to become accountable for my actions.



She shut down for awhile

Then we began to have a normal life again. I really did start to make changes. I put all that stuff behind me. I didn't touch a computer unless I had to. Showed her everything. Being open with her about everything.

She began her affair.... I found out and it ended.

She blames me for her affair. Yes I'm in many ways responible. I don't try and tell her that any thing I did was okay. I don't justify it. I have been for the past year trying to make ammends.

There are many things wrong. My wife let me in, she doesn't care, she is ambivilent about our marriage. Staying only for practical reasons: the children, money.

Not because she cares for me, loves me, wants to be with me.

I tried my butt off to get things on track. I've acted with her as both WS and BS. I've done everything I can to show her I love her. To meet her EN's, I've made honesty as important as air!!!

But still, she doesn't care.
I met with her today. I'm feeling like things are about ready to totally fail. I can't stand that. I'm feeling helpless and hopeless.


In many ways my wife feels I deserve the pain I go through. That she has no obligation to be sorry, to help me cope with my emotions. Yet, I've been there for her as she was struggling to get over the OM. The hurt she felt. The loss.
I've kept the judgements to a minimum with the exceptions being my recent outburts. Then only swearing, making stupid empty threats, and yelling. Again, I'm not trying to make excuses for any of my actions. I'm just trying to move forward.

Today, she told me something I don't know how I can get past. She doesn't care what I do. If I was off having an affair. She wouldn't care. She won't let herself care. And last night, becuase I've been having such a hard time, she said she can't live with a person who can't forgive. Yet she is doing the same.


I'm really lost right now. My wife doesn't fight well. Not that anyone does. She will never allow closure for me or herself. It just ends when she gets her last words in.....I'm left to lick my wounds......Anyone can remind me that I've had a few outbursts. They are very isolated! Not characteristic of me in any shape or form.

So I'm left to wallow in the knowledge that I hurt her, and also the fact that she hurt me and thinks I deserve all this pain. She doesn't really want to be married any longer.


I've tried eveything to make this work. I'm getting to the point where I can't continue.

"Today, she told me something I don't know how I can get past. She doesn't care what I do. If I was off having an affair. She wouldn't care. She won't let herself care." Just because she says it does not mean that she means it. People says things out of anger, hurt, pain, and during a fog that they do not really mean. Have you tried tough love by James Dobson ? Have you tried the (I can not remember the exact name) 180degree change list? Have you tried giving it all to God; asking God to help all of you forgive, going to a positive Church that is about forgiveness, reading the BIble, praying, etc. If that is someting you would be interested in Your Best Life Now by Olsteen is awesome. It is uplifting, positive, and refreshing. It just helps with attitudes towards life in general. When a HUsband decides to be the Godly leader of his household the wife usually (not always) will follow his lead when she sees he is sincere about it.

hi, pokedad.

Quote:
==============================
She blames me for her affair. Yes I'm in many ways responible. I don't try and tell her that any thing I did was okay. I don't justify it. I have been for the past year trying to make ammends.
==============================

Woa.

You did not force your wife to have an affair, no more than she forced you to keep your inappropriate relationship secret.

You take responsibility for your actions, she gets to own hers. She had an affair. She chose to do it. You did not choose for her to have an illicit affair. She is 100% responsible for her decision to have an affair and for everything she did while in that affair. ALL OF IT.

I recommend that you contact one of the Harley's from this site for some counseling. Also, please read "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and "His Needs, Her needs" by Harley.

There are some excellent online articles, linked to the right of this post (Most Popular Links) written by Dr. Harley. One of them covers recovery in some detail.

You need to do a bit of study so that you are at least working from a firm foundation, rather than from thinking that your wife's exercise in entitlement was all your fault.

All the best,
Gimble

Pokedad. Let me give you a little sample of Tough Love. Given your handle, I assume you have kids. Since you are a hurting husband and father, I'm going to put this simply.

SUCK IT UP! This isn't about you it's about your children having a family. Where are your balls? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I understand your feelings. I've heard the same thing from my WW. It sucks to have someone you love tell you those things. My WW has been telling me to go out and find another woman to have a sexual fling with. I didn't really understand what was going on.

Imagine your wife has been possessed by an alien. Her statements will NOT make sense to you. That makes it easier to shrug off those statements that could otherwise pierce your soul.

I had to fight back physical pain the day I sent the OM packing (our son's 19 year old nanny), and then confront my wife. Since then, I've been able to separate myself from the emotional pain she has caused. Lately, it's been hard to get up the courage to fight against this alien that was my wife. "Sure, go ahead. Take the divorce." I've avoided that response. I'm making the decision to fight every day for the sake of my kids. They cannot believe that mom's behavior is acceptable or that divorce is such an easy option.

It is your job to be happy. Avoid dwelling on the affair she had. Project confidence. Make a plan to have fun with your kids and wife. What your wife did was unacceptable behavior, but you love her and forgive her. I've discovered that forgiving the WS can cause them even more pain.

Angry outbursts are bad. So is sarcasm. It's a natural instinct you need to overcome. So do I. When you feel it coming on, take a deep breath and say nothing!! Remember Thumper's mom in Bambi.

You can do it buddy. Find that inner strength we all have to defend your family.

God Bless. He wants you to succeed too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I agree with the other poster who said not to take seriously your W's comments to you. Her reaction is very similar to someone who has been verbally beaten for quite some time and finally snaps and lashes out in self defense. Chances are that if you were to pack your bags today, and leave her, she would miss you and want you back.

I would recommend that you seek the services of a professional who can help you overcome your resentment and control your angry outbursts. Consider even taking an anger management class while you are at it [it certainly can't hurt and it just migh help you enormously]. Don't procrastinate, do it today.

TMCM