Hi all

[This, and my next message already posted in 'just found out' - but recognised that there were more wise people on this forum who might be willing to chip in!]

I've been lurking around for about a week now. This site, and all the reading I’ve done has already helped, but I thought it was time to introduce myself, and ask a few specifics.

I confirmed last weekend that my husband of nearly 7 years (no children - another issue that we need to work through!) has been having an affair with a colleague from work - they are both school teachers in the same department. They had been good friends for perhaps 3 years before that. I had always been a bit concerned about this person, but felt that I needed to trust my H, and was glad he had such a good friend at school, so said nothing. I think this was a mistake! She is 24, no ties, already had relationship with another man in the same department!

Apparently this friendship became a full-on physical relationship over a year ago, although H says that since Christmas they recognised that it needed to end, and have been trying. H increasingly withdrawn from me, texting and instant messaging her all the time. Even when I had arranged a week in France at our favourite place, with the intention of trying to find out what was going on, he contacted her more by text than he spoke to me in the whole week, using a head cold as an excuse.

Now it's all out in the open, he has said that he has finished it with her, isn’t going to contact her at all, and wants to work on our marriage. I am happy with this - I really want to work it out. I explained that the only way I felt I could get over it is if he moves schools and we move away, and get counselling asap. At first he agreed. I said I would leave it to him to organise - wanting to see his commitment. Obviously there is none!

A week later there is no attempt to contact a counsellor (I knew he wouldn't want to do this – he thinks he can deal with everything himself), no evidence of looking for a new job (and a lot of talk about 'what if I can't find a new job', 'I don't want to move for just any job', 'what about my career'). The earliest he can move is the end of this term (11 weeks time) and that means getting a new teaching job in the next four or five weeks. Having looked at his mobile phone I can see that she is still texting him, and when I signed on to instant messenger using his name and password she was very quick to initiate a conversation. They also have to work together every day at school, and everyone from their dept goes out for a drink on a Friday night (which I used to be invited to, but not for a long time) - he went out for this drink (didn't stay long) on Friday - she was there, but he didn't tell me until asked directly.

We had quite a good weekend, taking care of each other, and spending time together doing the garden, but I can't help feeling that he is trying to have his cake and eat it. I really want to believe that he is not responding to her approaches - but he has also broken down and cried about the fact that he feels he has lost both me and his best friend. I don't think I was very sympathetic, and told him I had also lost my husband and best friend, at the same time. I feel now that I just can't trust anything that he says. Every time he leaves the house to go to school I am convinced that they are back to being ‘buddies’, and imagine them laughing at me behind my back. It’s tearing me apart.

A couple of years ago I suffered from a period of very bad depression, where I was only really able to look after myself, and drew a lot of support from him, without being able to give any affection back. Although I was very much improved (pretty much back to my old self) before this A started, he seems to be using this as the main reason for attachment to other woman - lack of affection on my part (and I acknowledge my part in this) but I think it is actually more to do with not growing up, and not wanting to take responsibility for anything – especially having a family.

What happens now though? I am just trying to cope with doing my job (I work from home as a writer). I don't know how to move on if he won't commit to doing even the immediate things - NC, moving house, counselling etc.

Any ideas? Should I tell anyone about the A? His work? (She has no other partner, so I can’t take any pleasure from revealing the A to anyone close to her). I have talked to a married couple who are very good friends of ours - they are very positive about marriage, and I knew they would support both of us. Very wise people too. Husband from this couple used to be my husband's best friend at his last school - a much more healthy arrangement!!! Have avoided telling our families – I think I’d rather not go there at the moment.

Thanks for listening - feels a bit better just having got it all written down. Maybe now I'll be able to work today (or I'll be looking for a new job too!!)

Hope to hear from some of you soon

unhappy_badger

Thanks for all your advice and support

[copied from 'just found out' with some edits]

I feel in a very odd situation. Last night I left some of the MB info around, with the suggestion that he read it. He went a bit mental with the notion that I had posted on a website, and also got freaked out about me reading text messages on his phone and installing spyware on the pc (which wasn’t hidden very well). He understands why I don’t trust him, but asked that I should just speak to him rather than nosing about. Doesn’t seem to understand that at this point words are not enough.

At least his anger actually spurred him into doing something – he rang ‘Relate’ and made arrangements for someone to ring us with a counselling appointment, and did look at information on the internet about other teaching jobs elsewhere – he has taken the telephone numbers to school to ring for info today – so we’ll see on that one.

He is adamant that he hasn’t had any but essential work contact with the OW since this was revealed, and I am minded to believe him, although I am very concerned that maybe he isn’t initiating anything, but she certainly still is – three text messages from her over the weekend – they were all about nothing, and didn’t make any suggestion of meeting up etc – but H didn’t tell me he had received them, when I asked me to tell me about any contact from her. He said he thought they were irrelevant, and she was probably just drunk. At present I am trying to believe that there isn’t any significant contact, but worry that she is still ready to step into my shoes and support my H the minute things between us get difficult when we are trying to rebuild. What can I do about this though?

T4J – your comment about not exposing at work because of how it might affect H finding another job – I think I was of similar concern – and maybe this was what was holding me back here – although I would love to do it just for the satisfaction of making both their lives considerably more uncomfortable. I don’t think this is a good enough reason though.

My plan is to try to do a lot more positive things together, and try to get a bit closer, whilst keeping an eye and supporting the search for another job. Basically the search for this year can go on about another 6 weeks max, then it will be too late to move in September. I’m trying not to think about this possibility – not sure I can handle them seeing each other at school every day for another year, but not many teaching jobs come up mid-year. H has adamantly refused to do teacher supply – arguing that this would be difficult for us to get a mortgage (I only have a temporary contract, so if neither of us had a permanent job) and that this would put more pressure on us which we don’t need.

[Update from previous version of this message - today H has been offered promotion in his current job - forces his hand somewhat - can't accept promotion if looking for other jobs, if accepts promotion I have to accept that we will be in this house, and he will be seeing her every day until next June. Only jobs that have come up so far are lower than the level he is at at present - might make it difficult to get them, and difficult to get promotion in the future. How to advise? I obviously have my view that we need to move asap, but agree that trashing his career might put additional pressure on an already fragile relationship]

As you can see, I’m still floating about in the mire …

Any further thoughts?

U_badger

Hey UH_B,

I don't think that you're ever going to really feel very comfortable with your H working with the OW.

If he's truly commited to rebuilding the marriage with you, then watch his ACTIONS to see if they match his words. If he's willing to find another job and move away, that would be a VERY big step in the right direction.

Semper Fi,
RIF

Thanks RIF

I think you've hit the nail on the head here. I don't think he really understands how impossible it is for me to deal with him being in the same school as her. He said last night that he isn't alone with her at school, but when he works in the science staff room he is still having informal conversation with her about weekend etc ... this seems unacceptable to me, but he doesn't want to appear any different to other staff. Part of me wants to expose affair in school, but I think this would damage his trust in me, and might make it difficult for him to get another job.

I don't trust his words, and although at first he was happy to acknowledge that moving and getting a new job was the best thing to do, I think he is now using the practicalities of finding a new teaching job as an excuse.

In some ways I don't want to be unreasonable and completely ruin his career because of this, because I think that would put a lot of additional strain on us, but at the same time, I want to think that he would do whatever it takes to get US back on track. At the moment the words are there, but the actions seem a bit lacking.

First session at RELATE tonight (he doesn't want to go, but at least he made the call - at least one action there). We'll see how that goes ...

Thanks again

U_badger

Hi U_Badger!

I love your name! It's just kind of "catchy"! Hopefully one of these days you'll be able to change it to "Happy_Badger"! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I hope your MC goes well tonight... Have you told your H how much it hurts you to know that he's going off to work every morning where he will come in contact with the OW?

It isn't unreasonable to tell him how hurt you feel every day that he goes to work with her. In fact, if you don't tell him, then he may think that it's OK, when deep down, it's killing you inside. You don't have to up and demand that he quit his job and you don't have to threaten to tell the school... just calmly tell him how deeply it hurts for you to see him go off to work every day because you know that he will see the OW... don't accuse him of doing anything with the OW... just let him know that the fact that he still works with you still wounds you deeply.

If you try this, you'll be letting him know how you really feal, and you'll give him a chance to "do the right thing" without pressuring him or threatening him... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Semper Fi,
RIF

Hello all

Just got back from first session at Relate. Not too bad - just outlining the issues - now have to wait until there is a slot for more counselling - probably a couple of weeks. Counsellor we saw thought that we would benefit - given that we both stated we wanted to fix our marriage. Feel quite close to husband tonight.

However, there is a big problem that we are going to slam up against this weekend - before we can see counsellor again. Any advice or thoughts would be welcome.

Husband has been offered promotion at school (he is a teacher). He has been doing the promotion on a temp basis, but they have now offered it permanently. English system means that he has to work in this school until at least the end of term (july) - seeing OW every day in same dept. No one at school aware of A (they probably are, but not formally). H trying to maintain sense of normality there, for sake of career (and probably hers too, but don't want to think about that). RIF - I've explained to H how I feel about him having to work in same room as OW, and his trying to maintain a normal social relationship with all his colleagues, including her.

Re promotion: if he doesn't take it, then he probably has about 5 weeks to find another teaching job, to start in the new term in September. He can't really take the promotion and apply for other jobs at the same time. However, we both need to live with the reality that he might not get another job in the short time available, and he has said that it would be very difficult for him to continue in the school without the additional responsibility of the promotion.

But, if he takes the promotion, then that really stops any looking for another job for this year, and he won't be able to look for another, realistically, until this time next year, which means that I will have to wait until next July (2006) for him to leave the school, and really go NC with OW. That feels like an incredibly long time to me - finding it hard enough to deal with every day at the moment.

I'm trying really hard to be reasonable, to communicate with him, and deal with this difficult situation. But what should I do? I obviously have strong views about him needing to leave the school, and move house, but how to advise him, how to approach the whole promotion thing. How to deal with it if he can't get another job.

Help - anyone out there with bright ideas? Will have to make some decisions between us this weekend, so any and all advice greatly appreciated.

Thanks for listening (again). Seems I can write loads when I put my mind to it.

still relatively Unhappy_badger

Sometimes these decisions are some of the real life consequences of his choice to have an A in his workplace. He has caused himself to be in this mess. You both may have to suffer a financial struggle because of his choice. This isn't your fault. The mess is of his own making.

I think staying in the school, working with the OW is not an acceptable option for you. If he is serious about ending the A and rebuilding with you then you both will have to show by your actions what bounderies you are both not willing to compromise.

You may need to force his hand eventually by informing the school. If he is her superior then that could open him up to even more potential problems. It probably would in the states anyway.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this crap.

HI all

Thanks for your response so far, anyone else have any thoughts on what I should expect from WH in terms of changing job asap vs career prospect and stress of reduced income etc ... see my earlier post in this thread for more details.

Still agonising with this one, don't know how to approach it with H. Decision has to be made this weekend. Still trying very hard on plan A, but don't know how to give H good advice when I have such a strong view that he should leave present job asap. Don't know whether demanding that he move jobs at all costs, to any other teaching job (when he has just been offered a promotion), is being unreasonable? And what happens if he doesn't get another job in this round of teaching appointments, and we have to wait until next year - a very long time.

Any ideas?

U_Badger

Hey uH_Badger!

Sounds like a tough decision...

Have you talked with your H on what actions he can take to help you feel more secure with him working with the OW? I undersand the need for him to remain gainfully employed, but it shouldn't be at the expense of your well being.

If you talk with your H and he can come up with some practical things that will help you feel comfortable until next year, then by all means discuss this with him. Now if he phoo phoo's your feelings about him working with the OW, then you might have to be a bit stronger with him and let him know that if he's not willing to sit down with you and come up with some workable ideas to protect YOUR FEELINGS, then perhaps you need to re-think and evaluate HIS commitment to you and the marriage.

Hopefully, your H will work with you on this... if he says that it's nothing and that you shouldn't worry about it and that he's going to take the job, then I'd seriously consider letting the school know about the affair and let the chips fall where they may... 'cause your H will have demonstrated his lack of care for YOU after hurting you so deeply by HIS affair!

Hope this helps...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Hiya UB

Your WH is dispaying all the usual characteristics of a busted WH. Indignance at being held accountable, defending 'platonic' contact with OW, saying his job ( that places him in contact with OW) is too important to give up for your marriage ( which he doesn't value THAT highly right now, as he is addicted).

IMO you need to do a very unbritish thing - study and apply PLAN A from MB. Buy & read 'surviving an affair' if you haven't and with the help of smart people here implement a "plan A".

It worked for me and countelss others. Its hard, but works on so many levels.

Also are you a Christian ? If so I'd reccommend 'Marriagecare' over Relate as MCs in the UK.

The relate counsellors I saw were arbitrators and were liberal pro 'pleasantness' rather than pro marriage.

Take heart - even daft big British lunks like me can save their marriages, so I 'm sure you can ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Until your H can find another job, maybe both of you will find the following thread helpful:

Guidelines: How to do NC at work

[color:"blue"]PLEASE NOTE – VERY IMPORTANT: [/color] The guidelines in the above thread was not created to replace finding/seeking another job where the FWS and OP are working together and/or seeing each other or having contact with each other very often. The above thread just provide practical advice on how to cope with a situation where the FWS is unable to quit a job (due to financial, economical or political reasons etc.) while searching for another job.

Thank you, all, for your comments

I'm sort of relieved that it's not just me who thinks it is a difficult decision!

Following on from your guidelines Suzet (which are great, by the way, but how do you know that they are being adhered to, and how do you introduce the list as a concept) I have a possible scenario that I'd like to run past you.

How does this look? My H obviously wants to take the promotion, and despite past behaviour I really want to believe that he is telling the truth about how much he wants to sort everything out between us.

However, I'm not doing well about his working with the OW, particularly given that he is obviously trying very hard not to expose the A, or make her life difficult in any way (not like ours at the moment!). I wondered whether I could suggest to him that he could take the promotion, on the basis that he would look for another job for next year, but with the proviso that the A should be exposed at work (just in their dept, and among the teachers, not the pupils - heaven forbid!!!) and that he should abide by all Suzet's rules. I might then feel like there were other people who understood and were policing the NC, and that it would be an action on Hs part which would indicate to OW that he was not proud of what had happened, and that complete NC was the only way forward.

Do you think this is an idea? Might help with my feelings, but would also show a degree of wanting to fix things, and not wanting to make life as easy as possible for OW.

Any thoughts?

Badger

Hey uH_Badger,

I think that's a great plan! Again, your H's actions to protect you will speak volumes as to his sincerity in protecting you... if he's not willing to do this, then you need to be very, very careful with your heart!

All the best and I hope your H will step up to the plate and look out for your needs...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Unhappy_badger,

I agree with RIF – it indeed sound like a great plan! This way your H (and the OW!) will be held accountable for their actions and this will also help you to start regaining trust in your H again. Your H’s willingness (or unwillingness) to do this, will speak volumes about his true intentions and show you if he is really willing to fix things and take responsibility for his past mistakes. If your H is not willing to do this, I guess he have no other option that to give up on the promotion and actively searching for another job...

Suzet

Cheers both of you ...

Consider yourselves 'pillars of strength'. It's so good just to have others to run ideas by. I worried that this one was too harsh!

I think it's unlikely he will go for it, but might try and put it into the mix this weekend.

Plan A seems good - H joined the gym I go to, so we went together and then had some food there afterwards. Starting to do more things together - but I'm a bit worried that this is a 'honeymoon period' if you like, where he feels he has to do everything with me, but that in 6 months time it will be back to the old routine. Trying not to dwell on this though, and just build on good things happening now.

I'll report back, no doubt, over the weekend, and when a decision has been reached.

Thanks again for all your support

U_Badger

Unhappy_budger, although I don’t think your idea was harsh at all, I must admit that I do feel a bit concerned about the exposure though… The reason for this is because I know that sometimes people can be extremely judgmental and some people at your H’s work might use this knowledge about his A to gossip behind his back and bad mouth him… Everyone will certainly not be understanding and supporting about this and some might even laugh at him behind his back and use this knowledge against him at his workplace… However, the world is not always a fair place and I guess this will be part of the consequences of your H’s betrayal… Maybe you and your H can decide to only expose to the teachers and people in his department who are genuine, caring and sincere and will support your H through this and help & encourage him to maintain NC – people who will not bad mouth your H and use this against him… What do you think?

Suzet

Unhappy_budger,

Could you and your H reach an agreement on this? Please update us! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Blessings,
Suzet