I usually post on the Pregnancy/Child board, but today I think I may benefit from the advise and expertise of you folks.

My H and I have been through a lot in the six years we've been together. Multiple affairs on both sides, a child my H produced with XOW, our youngest son's year-long battle with liver cancer, and the recent and tragic death of my step-father. Despite all of this we have managed to stick together.

I must be honest, though. There are times when I feel as though we've done what we can for eachother, and it may be time to move on.

Today we are fighting. Last night, my mother called me and was feeling pretty down. My step-father died in a car accident in November and my mother was having "one of those days". I offered to drive to her house up in the mountains with my daughter to hang out and cheer her up. My H knew I would be home late, but I told him I thought I'd be back by 9pm.

When I got to my mom's she wanted me to print pictures off her digital camera, which she hadn't done since her H died. She's not very computer savvy. It took longer than I thought it would. At 9:30 I called my H and told him I would be leaving soon. At 10:30 I called him again to let him know I got wrapped up in what I was doing and that I really was leaving then. He hung up on me - twice. In front of my family, which was embarrassing.

He slept in bed with a pillow between us, which is something he hasn't done since his affair five years ago. And this morning he was still so angry we couldn't even calmly speak to eachother.

I feel that under the circumstances he could be a little flexible. My mother is grieving. My relationship with her has always been somewhat strained and I jumped at the opportunity to spend time with her because normally she doesn't like to spend time with me. Last night she really did want to sit next to me and go through all of these pictures her H took before he died. I was having a really good time and time got away from me.

My H feels that I should do what I say I'm going to do. No matter what. He says the only way he can trust me is if I do what I say I am going to do.

Here's the problem: My H is understanding when I hit traffic and am a half-hour late coming home from work, he understands when I say I'll be home from work early but get swamped with last minute projects and don't come home until late, he understands when I forget to get something at the store or when things simply don't work out the way planned. UNLESS I'm out of his sight. I don't have any friends, I don't go out partying or go out at all without him. I only have my family.

He also expects me to be understanding when things don't work out the way he planned. I brought up the fact that yesterday he said he would do something - make an important phone call, well he forgot. And the fact that he forgot caused some problems in my day. I chalked it up to him being distracted and let it go. This morning I told him, if he expected me to do everything I say I'm going to do then he better do the same, and when he says he'll take care of something he'd better take care of it. He just got more angry and hung up on me again.

This happens all the time. I'm understanding, he's controlling and demanding. I'm soft-spoken, he's aggressive and loud. I'm patient, he's always in a freakin' hurry. I'm organized, he's a tornado. I'm tired of always feeling like the only grown-up in this relationship. Ever seen the movie "The Story of Us"? Well, that's a good example of our relationship. I'm the planner and he's Harold with the purple crayon.

I think about divorce more and more everyday and I'm not happy about it. I know it's difficult to give advice based on one post, but can anyone help me understand what's going on here?

I guess no one's too interested in helping me out....

so, the saga continues. I tried to talk with my H again and he shut me down. So I wrote him this email:


I don't know what else to say.....I've already apologized to you several times, even though I truly believe that you are over reacting to this whole mess. You won't talk to me about it, you keep hanging up on me, accusing me of not being willing to talk to you, accusing me of getting sh!tty, and continuing to be more and more aloof with me as the day goes on.

I don't know what else to tell you except that stuff happens. I was spending time with my mom. You knew where I was and who I was with. I came directly home. I called you twice to let you know what was going on. I was late, yeah, but I did call to let you know I was late. You hung up on me in front of my family.....which not only makes you look like a [censored], but embarasses me as well. How do you think my mom feels knowing that me coming to see her and being late coming home (whether or not I told you I was leaving at 9:30) is causing problems? She even called me at work today to see if we were still fighting about it. How f*cking stupid. It embarasses me to show my family that I have no freedom or flexibility, that I can't even be with them longer than expected and things be allright with you no matter what the situation is.

I didn't make you tell me when you were going to come home the other night when you went to the BAR with YOUR MOM. You simply said "I'll try to be quick" and that was okay with me. In fact, I was surprised to see you come home at 10:30, because I fully expected you to stay out till midnight. My point being, I don't even ask you to give me an estimate about your arrival home. I just want the same kind of freedom. Especially with my MOTHER.

You are being controlling and dominating. Whether or not you want to admit it, that's how it feels to me.

I'm at my rope's end, too. And if this fight is going to continue into tomorrow, or the next day, or next week.....then we ought to start thinking about how we can seperate from eachother, because I'm not going to live like this.

I love you and I want things to be all right. But I'm not going to pretend that the double standard is okay any longer. Give me some godd*mned room to breathe and maybe I won't disappoint you so much.

If you want to talk you know where I am. Otherwise I guess I'll see you later.



Any comments? Suggestions? Please?

Please don't be offended at the lack of responses. This particular section of the forum does not get that much traffic. You might try the Recovery board.

Thanks for the tip, I posted over there.

More responses already.

Thanks.