Here's the short version.

Found out w is having an a. been going on for 4-5 months, probably longer. Om lives about 75 miles away. Found a cell phone, traced it back to him (his area code). Found text messages on it from him saying he loves her and she is the love of his live. Nothing on it from her to him. It did show they talk throughout the day. Found out he was married
(now divorced) with two kids. My wife knows I know all of this too. I've brought him up a couple of times but nothing
out of her.

She told me she is not happy. I am who I am and it's too late for me to be the man she needs me to be. I haven't been told who "the man" is though. She is tired of doing
everything to make me and the kids (15 and 17) happy and is going to do what makes her happy from now on. She has put a depsoit down on an apartment for May 1. The kids don't want to live with her.

I told her I still love her and I didn't think there was anything we could not overcome if we set our minds to it. No response. I still love her don't want her to leave. Told her the same.

She stills sleeps in our bed with me. She kisses me when she leaves for work. She calls me 4-5 times a day. She still undresses in front of me.

I haven't become hostile or anything like that. Still trying to be nice and pleasant. I think I am on Plan A. Not sure what to do next though. Is it too late to stop her from leaving and if so what is my next step.

Any suggestions?

Do you want to save your marriage?

Hi Melody. Yes I do.

mie, if you want to save your marriage, then your best chance is probably going to be Plan A. Plan A is a plan designed to bust up the affair and attract your W back into the marriage.

You attract your W back into the marriage by meeting her needs [as best you can] and ceasing any lovebusters. [disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, etc] Try to determine what needs the OM is meeting and what has attracted her to him. Try to meet those needs to attract her back.

The second, and by far the most powerful, thing you can do is break up this affair by exposing it. Exposure takes all the fun out an affair...real quick. It forces the affairees to see themselves through the eyes of others - sleazy - and forces them to face the reality of a fantasy. In short, the affair is based on a fantasy and exposure bursts that bubble. It is probably the single most effective thing you can do to save your marriage.

In your case, I would find out who the OM is and see if he is still married. I would contact his wife and expose the affair to him. Make up a list of key family members on both sides and close family friends and expose the affair to them. Call them up and tell them what is happening and ask for their help and support in saving your marriage.

This will hasten the end of the affair.

Additionally, I would suggest getting the book Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley as soon as you can. It is an invaluable tool in understanding what has happened here.

P.S. you can get that book at most bookstores or you can order it from this website.

Thanks for your response Melody. I found him and his wife. They were married for 22 years. They are now divorced. I haven't contacted her but I have her phone number and email address. Best I can tell is he got divorced right before he met my w or right after.

I haven't called him yet not sure if I should. My w has confided in some of her friends about her unhappiness but not sure if she has told them about the affair. I know who his dad is, where he works, lives and so on.

Do I tell her family what she is doing? If so, do I now or when she moves out? I have been very civil in all of this. Never once have I lost my temper, yelled, or anything. I always have talked in a nice tone.

I'll write more when I get back from picking up my daughter. Thanks for your response!!

mie, how do you know the OM is divorced?

I would expose her NOW before she moves out, and most definitely expose her to her family. Yes, she will be spitting mad, but that is ok. [we will help you handle this] It is much better to do it now while she is there so you can handle the fallout.

Ideally, she will not move out at all because it will be harder to save your marriage if she is gone. That is why you need to cause some serious damage in the affair before she moves. And hopefully she will change her mind between now and then, they often do.

You might also want to consider calling the OM, but we can discuss the pros and cons of that later.

mieawe, BobPure put together an excellent thread about his experience with exposure and ending the affair. That might be a good place to start reading. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;gonew=1#UNREAD

While going through her things I found the om's business card. From there I went into publicdata.com and found out where he lived and who his spouse was. I found her address and phone and I found where he moved too and his phone. I found her on classmates.com. She had two entries, one said she was married and then the next one said she was divorced. That is where I think they are divorced. I found when they were married, where and so on but I can't find a website that list divorces in texas.

I'm pretty sure her sister knows and I talked to one of her brothers a couple of weeks ago and told him what I knew. He's a preacher and was very supportive to me. I don't know if he's talked to her or not.

Going out looking for the book this afternoon.

ok, mie, I would make plans to call the OM's wife. She may or may not be still married to him. Even she isn't, she might be able to help you with some additional information.

In the meantime, I would make up a list of key family members, such as her sister, or any other person who is influencial in her family, close friends and your close family members and call them all in one day. You will want to do this in one day to minimize the fallout. It will make her angry, so you want to only make her angry ONCE and get it over with.

I would ask the brother to have a chat with her. It will be important for her to KNOW that you have exposed her afterwards.

I just emailed his wife and gave her my number if she would call me or I can call her.

I'm calling her brother now and then one of her friends her in town.

Talked to his exwife tonight. she said she found out they met in june at the coast. he was fishing, my w was on a girls weekend. he moved out in october, divorce was final last friday. my spouse has been using her cousin as an excuse to get away to him for at least 6 months. His ex said they are even now taking her kids on outings when they are together. anyway, talked to her over an hour tonight. she was devastated when he told her but she decided she could never trust him again and got the d.

burns me up that not only is she destroying our life but she had a hand in destroying aother family's life also. their kids are a couple of years younger than ours. they were married 22 years, we hit 19 last month.

talked to my w's friend today and asked if she knew my w was seeing someone else. she said she didn't want to be put in the middle and it didn't matter who knew what but that she hoped we could work it out and she was praying for us. it's funny, back in october we had lunch with her and she told us the only guy who has been interested in her was a married man who kept asking her out to lunch. i remember my w saying something to the effect of did you tell him he's married and no you won't do lunch with a married man, go take his wife to lunch.

brother emailed and said he talked to her briefly and sent me his number. i'm going to call him in the morning. think i'm going to call her sister also.

i put a pen to paper and found if she moves out she will be in the negative about 3-500 dollars a month. i don't know where she's going to get that or if he is going to "take care" of her.

i got the book today and read throught the first 75 pages and i'm wondering. while your in plan a do you ask her to stop seeing the other man and give you a chance or do you just let her know that you know? i'm confused about that part.

also, i work for the local fire dept and work 24 hrs on and 48 hrs off. should i try to go to a 40 hr week where i'm home every night or stay with my shift work, which i enjoy?

where to from here
2 weeks until she's in her apartment

should i call the other man?

ex wife said he is following the same path his father followed.

mieawe,

Good job on talking to the OMW. How tragic that she has lost her marriage over this. Did she give any indication at all that she would be interested in saving her marriage? I wonder why she didn't call and tell you about all this?

I would let your W know that you know everything and tell her you are willing to do what it takes to save your marriage. Don't beg or plead or cajole, just tell her this.

When you expose to the rest of the family, be sure and tell them that this man abandoned his family for this affair. I would suggest contacting the rest of her family and your family today so you can manage the damage control. She will be furious, so just be prepared for that. When she finds out, tell her that you want to save your marriage and you will enlist support whereever possible. The anger does blow over, though. [just don't react to it!]

Another thing you might want to think about is contacting Steve Harley of Marriage Builders. He has counseled several people here on this forum and he is absolutely superb. He will assess your situation and give you a PLAN. He won't waste your time yakking about your childhood, he is a professional who specializes in adultery and he gets down to business.

I suspect her girlfriend is in on the secret and will be of no help at all. She may have even helped her hide it in the past. Some friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

P.S. I think it would be a great idea to be home more often when she is! That will give you more opportunities to try and meet her needs and spend time with her.

What does the OM do for a living?

She is not planning on taking the kids, is she? How do the kids feel about all this?

Thanks for sticking with me Melody!

His exwife said she found out about it around sept and he moved out oct. She thought about contacting me but she said she couldn't bring herself to inflict the kind of pain she was feeling onto me. Now, if she would have this would not have gotten this far! She thought seriously about trying to make her marriage work but in the end decided that she just didn't want to live with someone she couldn't trust and she didn't think she could ever trust him again.

As far as my w's friend, my w did say at one time when I asked what she (her friend)had to say about our situation she said she was very vocal on what she thought. But in the end she made the decision not to tell me.

Her other friend I have no doubt she has been covering for her. And this is a 37 y/o single mom who has told me in the past that she would never have anything to do with a married man because it's wrong. I guess it's wrong for her but right for my w?

The om (47)works for his dad's Kenworth truck dealership. He is VP of sales for what that is worth. His ex said that the family is all involved in running the business.

She also told me one of her friends ran into her ex and my w and by the description my w's cousin one night on the town. They were in a big group and yukking it up.

Looked for the phone this morning but couldn't find it. Did look in her checkbook and saw that the deposit on the apartment had been voided out. She wanted the bils split up, hers and mine so we did that 3 weeks ago. She asked me for more money because she was out and couldn't pay her bills but I told her I didn't have anymore to give because I bailed her out about 2 weeks prior to that.

Son doesn't want to live with her. He told he he wished she would just leave because we all are alot happier when she's not here. Daughter told me she wished her m would just leave and not come back until her head is on straight. Daughter has caught her on the phone late at night and believes she is sneaking around with someone. She doesn't believe anything my w says about where she is going when she leaves the house.



In case I haven't said:
me 43
her 41
kids 15, 17

om 47
ex w 43
kids 11, 14

My daughter came in our room last night (we still are sharing our bed) and got her because she couldn't sleep. I went in this morning to wake her up and she got in bed with me. I held her in my arms and just stroked her should for about 15 minutes until she got up to shower.

When she left for work I held her in my arms and we exchanged 3-4 short tender kisses.

Is this a plan A thing and what do you make of it?

Hi wieawe, is she calling the OM from your home with your children?? If so, I would tell her to call him somewhere else. She shouldn't be using your safe home to carry on her sleazy affair. Your kids don't need to be exposed to that crap.

I would suggest that you not give her any money to pay her bills or help her pay for her apartment. She should have to come up with all that money herself.

I think you did really good this morning and I wonder if she is having second thoughts? Do you think she really did get the apartment?

Are you done exposing her to everyone to whom you had planned? Her parents, your parent? Anyone else? I wonder if sending the OM's father a letter would help? Does he know about his son's affair? Did the OMW expose his affair?

So sad that she never told you about the affair!

She is using the cell phone he gave to call him. I think most of the time she calls when she is alone or late after the kids are asleep.

The only money she can get from me right now is our tax return. I told her if all else fails we'll divide it 50/50 and she can do what she wants with it. I was saving it for a trip to florida this summer for a sports tournament for one of our kids.

The om's ex said his dad may know about my w but he did the same thing a few years ago with his wife and now he is married to the woman he had an a with. She thought with him doing that he probably wouldn't say anything to his son for the same thing.

Sometimes I get the feeling she doesn't want to leave but I keep seeing apartment fliers in her car. After I found the voided check this morning I went out and saw there was a new apart. flier. I get the inpression she has done so much wrong she doesn't believe anything can be salvaged. She told me sometimes she can't even look at me knowing what all she's done. I've told her that I love her and we can work this out moving from today forward.

I talked to her brother this afternoon and he had talked to their sister. The sis said my w told her there was no one else, just she was unhappy. She even called her brother from the om's phone he gave her. She explained it was their other cousin's phone and she was with us in another town for a tournament. I told him I was with her that weekend and we never even saw her cousin. I told him of my conversation with the om's exw. He asked me what he could do to help. Since we're leaving tomorrow for an overnight trip for one of the kids not to call her until I call him back. I didn't want to spend the weekend stuck in a car and motel arguing or not talking.

That gets us up to date. We'll see how the weekend goes.

Thanks again for being there Melody!