In the beginning… It was grand! She was 23, and she was the love of my life. I was 33 and believe, I was her love of her life. We clicked in every possible way. She was very affectionate, romantic and loving. She had a playful zest for sexual fulfillment (SF) and romance that I kindled and stoked to a fiery flame. We met right at the end of my first marriage. Once my X moved back to her home state we began dating, falling in love and making plans for a future together. I have two kids that live at home full time but visited their mother for the summers. Our first summer together was magic.

Trouble starts… Late summer my kids returned for their visit with mom, my then girlfriend became sick. No, not the kind of sick we all know and understand. It was an emotional sickness that rocked our relationship to its core and to this day (5 yrs) still has an impact on our marriage. She was sick from the idea of sharing a life with the man of her dreams, with an X and two kids. She tried to break it off with me but couldn't. She attempted break ups on two other occasions in the years to follow. She would swear her devotion and love to me one minuet and then tell me how depressed she was at very the thought of the marital hell she would have to endure because she was going to be my wife #2. She would say such things as, "how could she commit to a life of misery with me", “if we marry it will be her wedding and honeymoon, you already had one” and "what would people think of a me marrying you?". She was sad that her childhood didn't prepare her for the possibility of falling for a divorced man that was the primary care giver of two wonderful, loving and respectful children. (By the way both adore her!) I got the impression she thought marrying a divorce man was un Christian (she never said that)

What would I do…? I would go out of my way to fix the problem and bring peace to our love. Many nights spent counseling her, and trying to ease her pain and doubts. I am a creative and romantic man, and would shower her with attention, gifts and surprises. We were still very much in love, romantic and sexual through all this for the first year. After the first year, things started to change.

The first change… She became less responsive. She didn't kiss the same; she stopped touching me and didn't respond to hours of four play. She started to make many negative hurtful comments disguised as humor. She wasn’t very communicative verbally but spoke plenty of body language. Once after sex I asked her what she was thinking. I asked this because she was un-responsive to sex and it took a long time to get her ready and afterwards she seemed distant and upset. She said, she was thinking about my ex-wife. I don’t remember the specifics. This is a sample of what was the beginning of the end of our happy SF.

Sex is an issue… After dates we would have four play that lasted sometimes for hours. I didn’t mind, I love four play and after play. But more and more frequently the four play ended and I was sent home wanting. I was left confused at how she could be un-interested while I was literally soaked with pleasure. She started to make many negative comments about sex; both, about us and in general. She would tell me things such as; “I could take it or leave it”, “she doesn’t need sex”, “sex isn’t the end all to end all”, “told co-workers, she only wants sex twice a year”, The humiliatied me. Also “sex is her duty as a women”. BTW women, men don’t need to here these things even if they’re true with all women. They’re esteem breakers, daggers that castrate our self image that make us feel like less then adequate. She started to hide. She was less then enthusiastic about sex. She went from a women who once said prior to sex (legs spread wide in the air) “I love you this much” to a women that would hide behind a blanket or want the lights off.

What did I do…? I did what I would come to do often. I bought a book. (Intimate issues) I read it and thought it would be the answer to all our sex issues. But I didn’t give it to her or reveal that I bought until two years into our relationship. Because of the issues at hand I didn’t want to push it. In our five years together we have seen six different counselors/pastors trying to work out our issues. After our last break up the issue of sex came to light. The book didn’t go over very well. We were at the time on the past marriage issue and It developed into the sexual issue. Perhaps this is why during this time she apparently got over the past marriage issue and we became engaged to be married.

Married and still hurting… During pre marital counseling with our pastor, the SF issue continued. I think it became my pastor’s understanding and mine that the issue stemmed around past and present sexual guilt. We are both active and devoted Christians. My pastor and I were on the same page. (Who’s to say when marriage begins and fornications ends) I believe marriage begins with commitment and not when the state says you’re married but when God says “you’re married”. I've known married people that weren't and non married that were. I know this could easily be another thread topic, I digress. My pastor and I both thought that after the “State” said “you’re married” SF would again start to heal and with time not be an issue. That didn't happen, still hasn’t after two and a half years.

We separated… one and a half years into our marriage we separated. Why? Basically three years of pain and frustration and battle for control, came to a boil at the grocery store and she moved out with the intent to divorce. After a 9 mo sep she moved back into the house this past Dec. Nothing has changed. To make matters worse. She still has her own checking savings account. While separated she has accumulated over $11,000 in savings. She views this as her money. Money she has saved, not having a mortgage or house hold to support (she lived with Daddy). I am asking her to join accounts, and she is refusing. I am at the end of my rope. Guys, I hope you’re still reading this long story made as short as possible, am I a fool for staying married? Ladies? I believe that none of the above are reasons alone to divorce but on the other hand how long can one endure such pain. Does anyone see the pain I have been through? If not I feel I did no justice by my writing. I live in a fog of depression and despair. I wake up feeling the same sad lost way I felt before I fell asleep. I wonder if I will every know happiness I once did… in the beginning.

So, how much reading have you done on this site? Have you read His Needs/Her Needs ?

Have you seen a trained marriage counselor? Not your pastor. Sure, pastors have a place but the vast majority of them are not trained to provide the kind of counseling many marriages need. And most honest ones will tell you that. Besides, many people are reluctant to spill the whole story to someone they have to face on a regular schedule and with whom they share common aspects of their routine lives.

You speak of some sort of sexual guilt that your wife might have. Are their any sexual abuse issues in her life. You know, they say that one in four females in the United States have been sexually abused. Look at your mother, your sister, your wife, and her mother. Statistically, one of them is a victim of sexual abuse.

My take on this is that there is an even bigger maturity gap between you and your wife than a ten year age difference would indicate.

She has problems with intimacy. It isn't uncommon for a woman to be wildly sexual with her lover for the first 3 months to a year after they start dating. The sensations carry her away and the sex feels divine. The real intimacy begins when the novelty of sex wears off. The flaws in your partner begin to annoy you. In spite of that, you still have to work on your relationship. You owe it to your partner to give them the best you have.

I believe you that you are a romantic, attentive husband.

Did you ever hide the truth from your wife? I mean, did you date her for a time before you told about having been married before and divorced and having children? Because that is the only reason I can see for her turning off from you. If your earlier marriage and your children and the obligations that come with it were a big surprise to her and she felt deceived when it all came out.

But, I don't think you hid anything.

I believe this situation will not get better, and I don't even know either of you. Here's what I believe:
Your wife wants your earlier life erased, gone, forgotten and invisible. Because you lived a life before meeting her, and because she didn't get the "first" kiss, "first" wedding, the "first" sex experience with you, the "first" honeymoon, pregnancy, etc., she will punish you. She will make you suffer for being a good man. She will withhold affection for being a decent ex-husband who is responsible to the mother of his children. She will freeze you out for taking an interest in your children.

I'll go even further out on a limb: I would guess that had you never been married, your wife would be punishing you for some other issue. Had you never had children, she would be sulking, turning the lights out when you have sex, acting as if she were being molested rather than as if you were making love.

Another red flag: she went home to "Daddy" and socked her money away. She didn't even go and get her own place like a grownup and live on her own. And her father didn't kick her out and tell her "You are a grown woman. You are too old to be coming home to Daddy. Be independent, be your own person, and let's get together for Sunday dinner or a movie." He indulged her.

She needs indulging. You will make some woman a fine husband. Some "woman", and your wife is a girl.

Any chance you could reconcile with your first wife?