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Joined: Apr 2005
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Have been lurking here for some time and decided it's time that I post...my husband of 3+ years cheated on me (with my best friend).
Didn't need to Plan A or B as he cut off all contact as of DDay. Three months later, after the initial shock has worn off, I'm wondering why I want to stay with someone who is a lying cheater
who has so little respect for me as a person that he doesn't even have the decency to cheat on me with some unknown slut- but has to destroy the life I had before him, the life I can never go back to now.
I just want all of you to know that you are helping so many people you aren't even aware of, this board has been a thin line between sanity and going off the deep end on many days for me over the last three months. Any advice from anyone who has walked a mile in my shoes would be greatly appreciated. Please know that you have so many "silent friends" hoping and praying for you - and that you are helping people you aren't even aware of by sharing your stories here. AnnaK
Last edited by AnnaK; 04/13/05 08:44 PM.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Three months later, after the initial shock has worn off, I'm wondering why I want to stay with someone who is a lying cheater
who has so little respect for me as a person that he doesn't even have the decency to cheat on me with some unknown slut- Anna, only you can answer this question. We don't know your husband so we don't know if it is worth it. In my case, I came to believe that my cheating H was worth it because a) he was remorseful and b) he made the necessary changes in himself to ensure it wouldn't happen again. In short, he made amends to me which led me to believe that his adultery was an aberration of character that wouldn't happen again. He has proven himself to be worthy to me.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2005
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I remember lurking here for ages before finally registering and putting my own story up for discussion. I'm glad you found this site. There's so much useful information and such encouragement if you decide you want to make a go of things. Your WH and best friend have acted dispicably and now the dynamics of both relationships have changed forever. There will be many people here who can relate to your situation - perhaps the same things has happened to them. Might be an idea to change the subject title to "Ugh - my WH cheated with my best friend". That way, those best able to help will be attracted to the thread subject. TT
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Joined: Apr 2004
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There must be someone out there who can relate to this situation and offer some advice???
Me 40
WS 42
3D
PA discovered on Valentines Day 2004
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Joined: Sep 2000
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Anna - I can certainly relate to your story - and probably top it. The details aren't important Didn't need to Plan A or B as he cut off all contact as of DDay. Waht do you mean you didn't "need" to do Plan A? Are you perfect? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Of course you aren't - none of were the perfect spouse. There must be something you could improve about yourself. Perhaps you should re-read some information on Plan A. Start here - my cut 'n paste description of Plan A: The way I understand Plan A, it's based on two premises that must be accepted for "garden variety" affairs:
1. The BS cannot end the affair.
2. The affair developed, to some extent great or small, due to a poor marital environment which the BS, to some extent great or small, contributed to.
If a BS cannot accept these two statements as givens, they will not be able to implement Plan A.
With these facts established, there is only one constructive thing a BS can do to influence the course of an affair: change the affair-friendly marital environment by eliminating the BS contributions to it.
To this end, the BS must perform an introspective search for all the things they were doing or not doing that contributed to the WS's decision to have an affair - and then eliminate those negative contributions. These may include failure to meet emotional needs or disbursing too many love busters - but is usually some combination of both.
This DOES NOT mean that the BS "caused" the affair. This DOES NOT mean that the BS can or should try to change failings of the WS.
It simply means that the BS needs to change and improve the only thing they have control over - themselves - to eliminate love busters and begin meeting as many emotional needs of the WS as they can.
Central in this is stopping all disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, and selfish demands. This is agonizingly difficult in the face of an affair. A BS has to counter the common knee jerk reactions of demanding the WS "straighten up" and delivering ultimatums and threats. Acting in this fashion simply reinforces the WS's rationalizations to conduct the affair in the first place - because the marriage "is over" or expendable and the spouse is unreasonable, therefore the affair is justifiable.
Invariably, this course leads BSs to feel like doormats and [censored] kissers. It also conjures up thoughts of enabling the affair by not resisting it. But the better logic to apply is that the BS isn't a doormat or enabling because they're doing the only things in their power to stop the affair - it's just counterintuitive to the initial reactions. This doesn't mean that boundaries shouldn't be set and protective measures shouldn't be taken.
Let me add that Plan A is all about the BS. You do not "Plan A" your WS. It is not intended to change ANYTHING but the BS.
I'll end this by offering that there is one additional thing a BS can do to alter the course of the affair - but I call it "destructive" rather than "constructive" (to separate it from the one and only constructive thing, discussed above). It's to expose the affair to the light of day. But this deserves its own discussion.
OK, one more thing. The affair is very, very likely to end DESPITE what the BS does or does not do. Until it ends, there is NO chance for reconciliation. Ideally, Plan A improvements can encourage the WS to end the affair sooner because the spouse's "causes" of it are eliminated. But regardless, following Plan A prepares the BS for a successful reconciliation whenever and for whatever reason the affair ends by jump starting the process - their share of pre-existing marital problems are already confronted. Now, perhaps you haven't had a chance to demonstrate any improvements to your H, but I bet you get the chance. So, what have you done to expose the affair?
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Anna, I have been there, done that, and I have the t-shirt. I have often wondered if it would have been better if my FWH had had the A with someone I didn't know, as opposed to my FBF (Former Best Friend). On the one hand, as you pointed out, you would have at least had a support system after D-day. I remember after D-day, how silent my world had become. I didn't tell anyone besides H and FBF of my suspicions of them, because I didn't want to start rumors or anything. And I wanted to believe the lies they told me (denial is powerful).
BUT, I did become suspicious early, because the two people closest to me were acting strange. So, in that sense, perhaps the whole thing ended sooner than it would have if it had a been H's co-worker, or something?
Also, have you had those unanswerable questions in your head? Mine were ~ "How could BOTH of them have betrayed me? Aren't I important enough/lovable enough to be thought of? Taken into consideration?"
But, alas, after over 1 year in recovery and 8 months of MC, I can tell you that their A had absolutely nothing to do with you. At first, that was so hard for me to accept. Obviously, I entered into thier minds occassionally, because they had to actively plot against me to not be discovered. But other than that, I wasn't even a blip on their radar.
Have you and your H entered into MC? I highly suggest you do. You need to discover the message of the affair, why it happened, in what ways your M was vulnerable. Because it was vulnerable. It is normal for your feelings to swing from not wanting to be with him, and back again. You will have extreme emtotions for a while now. Find an outlet for them ~ working out, a hobby, journaling ~ all of those things if needed.
Just because the A is over, doesn't mean your work is over. It has just begun. You can take everything you both have gone through, to create something extraordinary with your M. You both have the power. What books have you read? I recommend "Torn Assunder" by Dave Carder. And "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs" by Harley.
What steps are you taking to rebuild your marraige?
Peace to you.
Spidey
But that's totally, FEATHER PLUCKIN', INSANE!!!
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Didn't need to Plan A or B as he cut off all contact as of DDay. Ooooooohhhhh. After reading Spidey's response, this means cutoff contact with OW? My earlier response was assuming he cut off contact with YOU. Sorry. Regardless, my Plan A advice still holds - maybe even more so. Has a NC letter been written? WAT
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