My wife and I have been seriously working on our marriage for about 9 months. She was seriously withdrawn but relationship is now about 200% better now. Still have what I consider some serious issues about her honesty, or lack thereof. I believe she suffers from "adult child of alchoholic parents". She is extremely private and there are some things she does not want to tell me. No affair going on, rather things like she is job interviewing but I do not learn about it till after the fact.

Whenever we have sex (at night), she has does not sleep as well. For me, it is the opposite, as I feel extremely relaxed afterwards. Both physically and emotionally.

She seems to physically enjoy the sex. But emotionally, I quite often question (privately) her desire. Too often she appears hesitant and perhaps does it out of duty to improve our marriage.

Perhaps the sex causes her emotional stress, making sleeping more difficult.
I am very interested in any feedback.
Thanks

Been married 19 years

Welderman,

Most of the time alcoholism in households goes together with abuse on children. Abuse can be emotional, mental, verbal, physical and/or sexual (or a combination of these) but most often alcohol goes together with aggression and verbal abuse... Do you have any idea or suspicion that your W was abused in any way as a child?

Sex is suppose to have a relaxing response on both women and men. However, women who don’t climax will most probably struggle to sleep after sex because the sexual tension & excitement hasn’t been released through an orgasm. This is a possibility you can explore. It’s also possible that your W have “issues” about sex and a negative connection to it emotionally. There can be many reason for this e.g. sexual abuse as a child; first impressions about sex which was negative; negative/wrong impressions about sex given to her by her mother and/or other people with great influence on her when she was a child etc. Subconsciously & unconsciously these things can have an enormous influence on the sexual psyche of a woman, but these “issues” can be resolved through professional help & therapy.

Hope this could help,
Suzet

My wife has struggled with intimacy and sexual satisfaction for a long time. She says we never make love, its just physical. She was traumatized as a child and adult sexually. She reports pleasant sexual experiences with previous boyfriends, but not me.

Hard to say, but I'm sure intimacy is part of it.

SIS

Please forgive this slight threadjack Welderman.

Suzet -



I am so glad you said "most of the time" as I grew up with an alcoholic dad and gamblingholic mom. And there was NO abuse in our home. I never heard my dad raise his voice or saw him physically violate another, let alone a child. Nor my mom. My dad was what they call a "true" alcoholic, and he was the kindest, most generous, most intelligent man I have ever know. Ditto for my mom.

And there are many other alcoholics whom are not abusive in any way. There are also many abusers who abuse alcohol as well as people and who use alcohol as an excuse or justification for their bad behavior.

Threadjack over.

Welderman, this is also a short threadjack to speak to weaver!

Weaver, I understand what you are saying and I agree with you… I’m always very cautious not to generalize and use words like “always”, “never” etc because I know & understand there is exceptions on the “rule” and that even good, kind, generous and intelligent people (like your father) can get caught up in alcohol addiction (or any other type of addiction for that matter).

My own father is not an alcoholic, but he do abuse alcohol often and use it in excess. When this happen he gets confrontational and verbally abusive towards my mother... (He was also verbally abusive towards me and my brother while we were still at home). My father is intelligent and generous in some ways, there is definitely very positive things about him, but if he drinks too much it is almost if a ‘demon’ goes into him and he have a change of personality.

Suzet

To get back to the subject of the post, I don't think there is something wrong with your wife if she can't sleep right away after having sex. Why don't you try making love in the morning instead of at night, if you are worried about her not getting enough sleep?

Thanks Suzet and SIS for your responses. Got up this morning and I was most encouraged to see them.

I believe was wife endured emotional abuse as a child and compensated by becoming a high achiever to get accolades and good vibes outside the family. Even though I have talked to her about this, I am not really sure if I am getting the full story and/or if there are other very significant issues. I often wonder there if there was sexual abuse. Her father is gay and has always had active gay relationships his entire married life. My wife’s mother always put up with that behavior. Something very dysfunctional about her mother and father (even though they appeared to be a “good Christian family”).

My wife appears to climax, and usually more than once. Physically, I think the sex is ok. I sincerely believe it is the emotional aspect that is off balance. I agree with you Suzet about “subconsciously & unconsciously these things can have an enormous influence on the sexual psyche of a woman, but these “issues” can be resolved through professional help & therapy”. I have been encouraging my W to see the Psychologist but she appears terrified by the thought.

SIS – Also agree with you in your comments “hard to say, but I'm sure intimacy is part of it.”

Thanks
Welderman

For me it's not so much about sleeping well. I'm ever changeable in my after lovemaking state. WSO cites my getting up post-lovemaking as a sexual incompatibility for him and says it is a reason he feels withdrawn from me sexually.

Even after so long together and much discussion, he says he doesn't understand/believe that often my responses after lovemaking weren't a reflection of him or my enjoyment with him, mood etc..

Sometimes they were, but more usually, they weren't about him/us at all. There are so many different reasons I might get up afterward! Anyway, I've given this a lot of thought and below is my top 10 list.

Some of my after responses I consider to be more physical or atmospheric in nature, not habit and not really related to him on a personal level, for instance:

• 1. If the weather is warm, I'm more likely to fall asleep after making love than if the weather is cold. If the weather is warm but the air conditioning is keeping everything cool, I'm also less likely to fall asleep afterward. Doesn't matter what time of day.
  
  2. If the sex/making love is marathon awesome fabulous - we're both so sated and happy that we pass out, then I'm asleep. Doesn't matter what time of day.
  
  3. If I am very, very, very tired but still having a go anyway, I may fall asleep after.
  
  4. Sometimes even if the hour is late or I'm tired, sex gets me energized and I'm awake either pestering for more or awake and giving WSO his space so he can sleep.
  
  4.1 Often if I'm energized, I'm hungry too. I'll get up and have a snack. Interestingly, WSO usually joins me for a snack too. Time of day again is not usually a factor.
  
  5. Depending on birth control choice/method and/or mess factor, I may want to wash up a bit after. Sometimes I don't care about sticky or smelly or taste or what is disheveled where and stay put - Not trying to gross out - just giving reasons. At night, once I'm up and in the bathroom with the lights on I'm just more awake.
  
  6. Um, the dogs like the lovemaking. If the dogs are within smell/hearing range, they make their presence known. When we quiet down after making love, the dogs indicate with bumping, barking, whining or whatever, that they would like some attention. Sometimes, it's just easier to let them in the room so that they shut up.
  
  6.1 Sometimes the lovemaking has taken enough time that the dogs need to go out to relieve themselves. This isn't so much a choice because they will go on the floor (and have) when we choose to stay in bed extra long instead of one of us getting up to let them out.
  
  7. We have only three other houses on our street, but the neighbors really suck. One neighbor likes to watch us with binoculars. She likes to gossip. When she can't see us, she talks about us. She is extremely loud. We can hear her mouth from very far away. There are times this happens while we're in bed and I am so riled that I cannot lay there. I've tried. My reaction really bothers my honey. I know it is my problem to fix.

Then there are the more emotional or thought-provoked after responses. These are much more subtle and difficult to identify at the time:

• 
  8. If afterward, WSO rolls or is laying quietly but not touching me, I don't know if he wants to be held/caressed or if he wants to relax/rest/sleep.
  
  8.1 Also, WSO doesn't like to be asked. The question breaks the moment - the afterglow relaxation effect for him. I think it's his had orgasm don't want to/can't process thought thing. This gives me a little low-level inner tension. The which choice do I choose now? tension.
  
  8.2 So, sometimes I ask, sometimes I touch, sometimes I just get up. Sometimes the touch is unwanted and I feel rejected and want to get up instead of staying and feeling rejected.
  
  8.3 There are times I want to be touched/caressed/held afterward and WSO doesn't show interest or isn't yet ready for more contact (still coming down) or he wants the cuddle first... Again - there's the what to do question.
  
  8.4 And there is a rejection factor. If he doesn't feel like touching me at that point for whatever reason, I tend to feel slightly hurt and want to get away.
  
  9. Sometimes, because I am feeling very close and intimate after, I will also want to talk. Oh yes, the talking. Want to express satisfaction. Want to be make my experience fuller with a little conversation. Even though I know verbalizing isn't likely to get a response I like because honey's on/off buttons are off, I still want that form of contact. In our case, I realize it's truly not personal but I feel a little stifled anyway. Sometimes that frustration dominates and I want to withdraw, and do.
  
  9.1 Then there is the talking prompted by mind whirl. The what was that experience just now? whirl. There are times when I am not sure that honey is thinking of me during, even though I'm right there, or for whatever reason, even though the physical part is good, something seems -- missing?
  
  My brain churns afterward and I want to talk about it but can't so I need to get up. I take ownership of this one. Even if he's not fully present, well, this is a problem for me in terms of reasonable expectation and acceptance.
  
  10. Lastly, there are those times late at night where I remember something that needs doing at the last minute and jump out of bed and race around getting it done. WSO finds this annoying at times, but only when I do it ;^) Again, this is something I think I can do less of and is on my to fix list.

I think those are the most common reasons for me/us. So figure that for every time we make love, any or none of those might apply and I may or may not get up... it was difficult for my honey to know where I was at with all of that randomness.

After mega-discussion, actionable input from him helped me out immensely. (Though during this past year he didn't want me - period.)

Him: I like it best when you hold me afterward. It's not that I don't like to hold you, I do, it's just that I like it better when I feel your arms around me. My favorite is when you either just hold me or lightly touch me until I fall asleep.

Him: I don't like it when you get up right after we make love. It makes me feel like you want to be away from me. It makes me feel horrible. I like it best when you're near me afterward. Even if we aren't touching, knowing you're next to me fills me up with this feeling of contentment and love I can't explain.

Him: Honey, after we've had sex, my brain is just not functioning like yours. I'm not thinking about anything at all. I am just lying there. I know your brain is going a million miles a minute but what I need is for us to be quiet with you next to me and we enjoy that afterglow feeling. It's not that I don't want to talk to you - it's that I really feel incapable.

I probably should have written all of it in past tense, but it was easier to forge ahead once I got started! Hope this lends some insight...
Sally

Thanks Sally for your very in depth response.

After Sex, if I say anything say anything about my wife or myself sleeping good, I always get a very similar reply. My wife says "I know YOU will sleep good tonight". She knows she will sleep not as well because we had Sex. Even in the morning if I say anything about how either of use slept, I always get a subtly negative response about herself.

Up till about 6 months ago, I will getting quite a bit of verbal abuse (described by author Patricia Evans) from my wife. I wised up and put a stop to it, refusing to get into arguments. But in other things, I think my wife throws out negativity as a lifelong habit. I have never heard her say she had a great sleep, after having Sex.

Welderman

Ahhhh, this changes my perspective quite a bit as I thought she was not sleeping afterward and either laying there awake or arising and doing something with her awake time...

Now it sounds like she's expressing a lack of gratification. As in, "I did my part to make you feel good and you slept like a log. You _____________ but you don't know or don't care or can't tell the difference so I'm going to make these negative comments and you'll either figure it out someday or you won't."

This I say, because grumbling is exactly the response I see in my my best friend's marriage, specifically the way she communicates with her husband. She pretty much says everything to him as an expression of dissatisfaction, a dig, a putdown. This is a fact and not a judgment against my friend. She knows she does it. He knows she does it.

So in one of their communications, you could fill in that blank above with just about anything, you didn't satisfy me, you forgot to wash the car, you picked your nose at the table... you just annoy me... The only time she does this is with her H and after 20 years together, her method appears to be accepted. Not saying it's right or wrong - again no judgment, just observation.

Since you said throwing out negativity is a habit, maybe it's really just a habit? If you don't say anything about sleeping well after sex that night or in the morning, does she volunteer that she didn't sleep well all on her own? Or is it only in direct response to what you say? If that's the case, maybe you stop saying how you slept. If you switch and in the morning say you've worked up an appetite will she say she's not hungry?

Sally

Hi Welderman,

I don't know if sleeping well afterwards is a sign of anything, one way or the other. As one of the posts above clearly detail, sometimes I feel like sleeping, sometimes I don't.

But, reading your quote above makes me feel as though you are sensing intuitively that your W isn't experiencing SF to the fullest. Listen to that little voice, because there may be something to it. Women can be quite good at hiding their true feelings about SF....unlike men, it isn't obvious if we aren't ummmm, well you know.

The only way to know is if she tells you. Perhaps you can have a gentle conversation sometime. Don't ask about a particular instance and don't ask right after it's over - both of you will probably get defensive. In fact, ask at a quiet moment when it's just the two of you after a glass of wine or something. Maybe ask what she likes about it first...and what she'd like to do differently.

Make yourself open to discussion without any hurt look on your face and eventually it will come out maybe? It's the only way. Looking for signs like sleep patterns will probably drive you nuts. See a counselor about it if necessary.

Hope this helps,
GS