So, amongst the tide of self-help books that have flooded our not-so-happy little home in the last two months, my W has now started on this one:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/det...ks&n=507846

The title of the book is "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" and it's basically a guide to help one sort out one's relationship issues and decide whether to split up with someone or stay and work on things.

Our current situation is that things are over with the OM, but nowhere near good between us. She acheived some closure this week when she talked with OM and found out he has a girlfriend and can't really talk to her anymore in any way, unless it's as friends. I have seen her withdrawal and fog clearing a bit, she seems a little more "here" and engaged. But she won't talk with me about us. She has no problem talking to me about OM and her feelings about that, and I'm glad to listen to her and try and help her, but any talk about our relationship is called "rushing" by her and makes her mad. It's basically a huge LB to her if I tell her I love her and I want her back. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

So, my problem is...she can't talk with me about our relationship, but she is reading this book every night since she got it. I can understand that she wants help sorting her feelings out, but I fear she is in such a state of fog (still) that she couldn't think of a nice thing to say about me if you held a gun to her head. Not exactly the best state of mind to be taking stock of a 22-year relationship in. And, further complicating things, she has determined that I'm a controlling personality with an anger management problem...something that I agree with to a point and am currently seeking IC for, but also something that I think wasn't such a big problem until D-day hit us.

So, I know I can't tell her not to read the book. She's told me she won't make any decisions while she is in withdrawal, but this is the same person who fell out of love with me without telling me and didn't give me much of a warning that my faults were killing our relationship...I just have so much fear that this book is going to give her some reason to latch on to in order to leave and it will be a done deal before withdrawal even ends. I just want a fair shake, because I think she is ignoring a lot of the good things about me right now.

My heart tells me I need to be patient, give her her space, and whatever happens with the book happens. But it's so hard for me to do that. Any thoughts?

I would read the book myself, and I'd ask, does this author encourage the compassionate treatment of the partner? Does she suggest approaching relationship problems with love and generosity toward the partner? Or does she consistently imply that the partner is a tyrant, a villain, thoughtless, unsupportive, etc., and that the reader has tried and tried and tried, given and given 'til she couldn't give no more?

If the latter, then maybe the book's purpose is to be a permission slip for thoughtlessness and cruelty.

GC

I just got this book and it helps people in ambivalence.

"A wise compassionate, and very readable book. It will bless many lives." Rabbi Harold Kushnew, author of When Bad Things Happen to Good People.

read it and i stayed and i was a bs that wanted out for years!!! lol

it is a good book. it may actually point out to her how good she actually has it!

Thanks for the positive thought, Nikko. I know that's one of the possible outcomes of her reading the book. I know I'm not all bad, despite some annoying tendencies I do admit to (and I'm working to change).