After three months I’m still at a loss as to what to do and how to fix my marriage. I suspected my wife of having an affair for most of the year she was having it. I finally found out for sure this past January. She initially denied it, then said it was only phone calls, then it was just the two times I knew of (9 months apart), then it was just friends. She claims no sex or other meetings. I have neighbors that have said that they saw his truck her and they work together. My wife claims it is over and she wants to stay married. She refuses to answer any questions concerning the inconsistencies in her story and gets defensive and shuts down if I ask her any questions. She wants to act as if it never happened. Unfortunately she works with this guy and everyday she goes to work I am left feeling anxious and depressed. I honestly believe that the affair was more than phone calls and the two meetings, and I need to know that she is being honest. Counseling has been unsuccessful in every facet. We don't talk about what she could or should do to make our life safe again, and we don't address any issues of her affair. My wife was diagnosed with vaginal warts in September, but since this is a disease that could hang around, there is a possibility that I gave it to her years ago (of course the odds of an occurrence during the period she is having an affair is very difficult to believe). Should I just move on and try and make the marriage work with so much unanswered and no apparent attempt on her part to address what caused the affair? Obviously more is going on here than I can fit into a post, but needless to say, I love my wife and would like to make it work. We lost a lot because of her affair. We were in the process of adopting a second child, which she abandoned during her affair (this not only cost us not having a second child, but thousands of dollars). I'm still angry and can't seem to shake my obsession over her affair.

Your input would be greatly appreciated.

Welcome to MB.



Well you could try, but it won't work. Things buried under the carpet have a way of growing and contaminating the future.

Do you have a copy of "Surviving an Affair"? Might want to leave that laying around and hope that she reads it.

You say the MC was fruitless. How about trying some coaching with Steve or Jennifer on this site or Penny Tuppe at Save Your Marriage Central?

It sounds to me like you have an unrepentent (X?)WS on your hands. The worst kind from what I have been reading here.

Don't give up, this must be dealt with and boundaries put into place so it does not happen again and so you can find a way to heal.

You also have the resentment of the abandonment of the adoption to work through.

You could also try printing out the questionaires on this site and see if she will engage.

Good luck and blessings to you.

I just thought of a couple of more books for you to read and have your wife read -

"His Needs,Her Needs"

and "Private Lies" by Pitman.

Others will be along soon with more ideas.

I read "surviving the affair" and tried to get her to read it. She basically ignored my request. I tried to talk to her about what I was reading and she really didn't want to have anything to do with it. One morning, I did manage to get her to read a couple pages about the need to separate from the OM. She said it didn't fit her situation and that she wasn't quitting her job.

We had a decent night last night, but that's because I didn't mention the affair or address any of my concerns. The longer this goes on, the more I seem to become obsessed. I don't like the person I'm becoming and neither does she.

In SAA it explains the why and how of Plan A/Plan B.

Although you believe the affair has ended, there were no boundaries put into place, and no NC letter which would have helped you with you resentment and began the healing process.

I would start in Plan A now and do it really well for a couple of months. No LB's, DJ's, relationship talk. Let all talk of the affair go for now, hard as it will be.

You can however let her know how badly this has hurt you and how there is zero trust right now and that it is up to her to earn your trust back and make you feel secure. As the necessity to state these things comes up.

If after a couple of months of Plan A and no change in her, you may have to think of the next step at that time.

Plan A is not only used for negotiating the end of an affair it used for other reasons as well, short term. All explained in this chapter of SAA.

I felt I had to respond because I know right where "Grovetucky, Ohio" is - I used to live down the road in Galloway.

Grove, your wife is not married. She is just a woman who has a husband. It's not the same thing.

It is clear from your posting that she feels free to disregard you and find her happiness elsewhere, while letting you pay the bills. This is more of a father-daughter relationship than a husband-wife relationship. It can sometimes be turned around, but would take a HUGE effort on both your parts.

How long have you been married to her?

What sort of work does she do? My marriage ran into terrible trouble in the workplace, right out there near Grovetucky.

There is no way they can work together and still have you fix your marriage. Period. It will NEVER work.

I can only echo what Weaver said - read all you can, especially on this site, and be prepared for things to get worse before they get better. It will be like trying to turn the Titanic before it hits the iceberg. Only you can decide if it's worth it.

Please keep us posted. The people here will do all they can to help you.
Mulan

I've been married to my wife for 12 years and together for 22 years. We were high school and college "sweethearts".

My wife and her "friend" are school teachers.

I have records of them calling each other 5 to 10 times a day, before and after school (on the way home) and throughout the summer. He lives about 2 minutes away from our house.

We have a 3 year old daughter and brand new house that we moved into 3 months prior to her affair starting.

I honestly don't know what to do. She says she loves me, but is does not love the person I've become since the discovery or more accurately since I confronted her. The first week after the confrontation was great in that she was loving and remorseful. Since then she has become distant and refuses to talk about the affair without putting up a huge fight first. I just want her to explain to me those things that don't make sense. When I say that the neighbors saw his car, she says it must have been another car because he's never been to our house. When I ask why she called him after a hair appointment, then called me to say she'd be late and then call him back, she says I don't know why I did it, but I didn't do it because I was meeting him. When I ask why a forty-four year old man would send two text messages saying they love you, she says she doesn't know why he did that, he never told her he loved her and she didn't see the messages.

I would like to just believe her and move on, but it would be nice if she'd give me something to believe in first.

Instead, she's just shut down and refuses to talk about anything to do with the affair or rebuilding our marriage. That's not completely true, she doesn't have any problems telling me how controlling I'm trying to be and that she feels smothered by me both before the affair and now.

Sorry, I guess I was rambling on . . .

Thanks for the replies, they do help in a strange sort of way.

Okay. She is perfectly happy with this arrangement. She has a husband to provide material comforts *and* she has a boyfriend to provide all the fun and excitement of dating. What's not to love?

She will stay in this arrangement as long as you are willing to participate. She has learned all she has to do is bully you and lie to you, and you will back down.

Do you like being the third party in this triangle? Then don't waste time thinking she is suddenly going to wake up on her own. She's not going to do that. You've got to kick out one leg of the triangle first.

You do this by going to a short Plan A first. Read up on it here on this site. A VERY important part of Plan A is exposing her affair to her family, friends, and co-workers. If you do not do this, you are helping the affairees to carry on by hiding their dirty little secret.

Many here can testify to the effectiveness of exposure. There are many threads about it. Give a shout out to Bob Pure to talk to a Betrayed Husband who shut down his wife's affair by exposing it. He will help you through this, as will others.

Plan A is followed by Plan B. Plan B is usually necessary, especially for hard-core cases. Remember that you are not alone and that there ARE specific steps you can do to throw a bucket of cold water on their affair while protecting yourself and your family.

And what is it with these schoolteachers, anyway? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Is it a high school? I'll bet I know which one!
Mulan

Oh lord, the affair is in full swing still. I misunderstood and thought that she had ended it but just didn't want to talk about it and was unrepentent.

Well she seemed repentent for a week and then she realized she had you in the bag so that was the end of that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

More than ever, you need to Plan A.

Mulan is giving you excellent advice, please heed it.

Sorry, I couldn't get into the general question forum.

I have no idea if the A is still going on. She swears it's over, but there is some signs that it isn't completely over, or at the very least, she still has some contact with him (direct or indirect). She gets very angry when I question whether her affair is over. She also now says that it wasn't an affair, just phone calls and meeting for dinner once, and of course those two other times.

My wife has a way of denying things she doesn't want to admit to. Tonight we were talking about problems in our marriage. I mentioned how often she goes out. she says I don't go out that much. When I start showing her that she did go out considerable more than she thinks she did, she gets very angry and says that she was actually refraining and wasn't doing anything wrong so why shouldn't she go out.

She's unwilling to even park in a different parking lot away from the OM's car. She says I'm not seeing him, so why should I park somewhere different?

It's just a vicious cycle. She's waiting to see if I will change, I'm waiting to see if she will. We're not doing well, and I have to admit that I don't see this going in a very positive direction.

GTO,

Welcome to MB. Sorry to hear of your story. There used to be a poster here who uses the name Cali. Her H was the WS and he also had an A with a fellow teacher. Maybe Cali can come and post to you. She also works in the educational system and had to deal with a lot of issues around her H's A. At the same time she also moved into a new home so her sitch has some similarlites.

Anyway, it is important you get a plan. See if you can schedule a phone counseling session or 2 with Jennifer C @ MB. She is great. Also read His needs/Her needs along with Dr Dobson's Love must be tough. Your W is dangerous right now with the A in full swing. Don't believe her that it is over. If it was, you would know because she would be bending over backwards to win your trust back.

There is no such thing as the BS (you) getting over it. The WS must get over it and then prove to the BS and family they are worthy of being let back in the family. Do not compromise your family to allow a WS into your lives. Let only your W back NOT the morphed WS.

Right now, don't share your info. Can't teach a WS anything. Their head is not attached correctly so there thinking process is not functioning like a normal person. More alien like and very very dysfunctional.

There is more you can do but for now, get in contact with Jennifer and read those books. Take the emotional needs questionnaire in the concepts section above.

L.

quick update.

I'm already starting to dread tomorrow. We had a great weekend, or at least as close to a normal weekend as we've had since d-day. She goes back to work tomorrow.

Unresolved so far is the relationship with her friend who I discovered was calling the OM, and of course the anxiety I have everyday while she's at work.

I asked my wife again if the affair was over. She said it was and she's tired of being interrogated. I reminded her that all I did was ask a question that seemed reasonable to me and that is on my mind.

I was supposed to stop by the attorney's office to sign the papers. She asked me to hold off signing and to not send them to her attorney. She wants to slow things down and wait until after our marriage retreat we're scheduled to go to in May. We're going to Retrovaille, I learned about it through the Focus on The Family counselors.

Thanks for the comments and opinions.

I think I messed up tonight. Wife made a great dinner, unfortunately, it was the exact meal she had on with the OM the night I caught her.

I guess I punished her for telling me about that night. I told her it was a great meal, and then it hit me that it was the meal she had that night. I told her that I thought it was thoughtless. She claimed she never thought about it and that I'm making way too much of it.

I did notice that she packed an extra piece for lunch tomorrow. The OM works with her.

I think I am paranoid and need to stop panicking over every little thing. Still, she had to know that she was fixing the item.

I was doing good and getting a few love bank credits and I think I just burned most of them up.

Why is she still working with OM?

She's a school teacher and can't find a job during the middle of the school year. She claims she will seek a job in another building within the district at the end of this school year. No guarantees though. I don't think I will be able to stay in the marriage if she is still working in the same building as the OM next year.

She swears that it's over, but obviously I can't be sure. I think she is is deep withdrawal and is trying to keep some kind of contact with him. Who knows, I went to a "shrink" yesterday that advised me to worry about myself, I can't make her do anything. If she's still cheating, than I will have to make a decision, but that all of the affair talk and snooping has to end.

Well I do believe that the accusations have to stop if you are in Plan A but you have to protect yourself too. Why would this C say you have to stop snooping? Trust but verify is something I hear around here often. I would gently tell her that working w/OM is hurting you. Let her know in a non LB way that you need for her to find another job without threats of D. Hugs to you, I know this is so difficult.

I have spoke to her in a non LB manner about how her working with the OM makes me feel. She says that nothing is going on and that she thinks I am trying to control her life. She has agreed to try and find another school at the end of the year, but she won't make any promises.

Things just aren't going well. We seem to be acting around each other. I am afraid that we're just to damaged to make it through this.

For some reason today is really tough. I'm having thoughts about divorce and whether I can or should hang in there. My wife is unsure she wants to be married to me and she says she can remember thinking about divorce all the way back to 5 years ago during our vacation in Florida. This just doesn't seem to be moving forward and I'm tired of being the only one who wants our marriage to work.

GTO,

U need to work on you. Spending time thinking how to fix her or trying NOT to LB is way too hard for you right now.

Instead, read those books and get into some good counseling so you can have a plan.

Your W will babble and find every excuse to have a D but then expect you to get it for her. Use her lameness to your M's benefit. But first you have to complete a good plan A so when you are ready to move to plan B you w/b ready.

L.

Thanks, I know that I should be working on myself and I am trying. It's very difficult to do. I try to have a nice normal evening with the family and something triggers a memory. I started some anti-depressants a few days ago, maybe they will help.

We just don't seem to be doing anything. We can't come up with any plan that she's willing to do that will begin the process of rebuilding trust in the relationship and ultimately rebuilding our marriage.