I was reading this to refresh myself and thought it might be helpful to you. It's from SURVIVING AN AFFAIR. I recall reading this over and over again when I was in PLAN B....

So, then, what is plan A and plan B?

Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse. Instead of encouraging total separation from the lover, the anger, disrespect and demands of the betrayed spouse make the lover appear to be the only one who truly cares about the wayward spouse. They literally throw the wayward spouse into the arms of the lover.

On the other hand, if the betrayed spouse approaches the wayward spouse with respect and thoughtfulness, the cruelty and self-indulgence of the affair is much easier for the wayward spouse to understand. And once the wayward spouse's mistake is acknowledged, it's much easier for him or her to take the first step toward recovery by agreeing to never see or talk to the lover again.

In these negotiations for total separation, the causes of the affair should be addressed. Since one of these causes is usually unfulfilled emotional needs, the betrayed spouse should express a willingness to meet those needs after the affair has ended. Another common cause is a wayward spouse's failure to take the betrayed spouse's feelings into account. The betrayed spouse's inconsiderate behavior sometimes leads the wayward spouse to believe that he or she has the right to return thoughtlessness with thoughtlessness by having an affair. Willingness of the betrayed spouse to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement goes a long way toward resolving the issue of thoughtlessness.

A third possible cause of an affair is a lifestyle where spouses spend much of their leisure time apart from each other, and form leisure-time friendships with those of the opposite sex. A plan to avoid being away from each other overnight and making each other favorite leisure-time companions goes a long way toward creating a passionate marriage that is essentially affair-proof.

In general, a betrayed spouse's effort to encourage the wayward spouse to end the affair should address all the root causes of the affair, and offer a solid plan for marital recovery. It should not be one-sided, however. The plan should make the wayward spouse and the betrayed spouse equally responsible for following the overall plan.

But plan A, an effort to end the affair with thoughtfulness and care, doesn't always work. In many cases a wayward spouse is so trapped by the addiction that he or she does not have the will-power to do the right thing. Once in a while the fog lifts and the cruelty and tragedy of the affair hits the wayward spouse right between the eyes. In a moment of grief and guilt, he or she promises to end it. But then the pain of withdrawal symptoms often brings back the fog with all its excuses and rationalization, and the affair is on again.

Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the betrayed spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other.

So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B.

Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery. In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible -- love is not restored, resentment is not overcome, and there is a very great risk for another affair. Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B.

Since plan B (and plan A, for that matter), is extremely stressful for the betrayed spouse, I usually recommend that he or she ask a physician to prescribe anti-depressant medication to be taken throughout the crisis. This not only greatly reduces the suffering of the betrayed spouse, but it also helps keep a clear head at a time when patience and wise decisions are crucial. Anti-depressant medication does not numb the betrayed spouse to the crisis, it actually helps raise him or her above emotional reactions that would otherwise prevent clear-headed thinking. Why suffer and and make poor choices when anti-depressant medication can help ease your pain and improve your concentration in this time of unprecedented crisis?

While I have seen remarkable success by people using plan A and plan B, success is by no means guaranteed. The problem with Plan B is that the unfaithful spouse may not return, nor agree to the plan for recovery, even after the affair has ended. Separation in marriage is always risky because, "out of sight, out of mind." Unless plan A leaves the wayward s pouse with the impression that returning home is an attractive choice, separation can become permanent. So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

As it turns out, most affairs end within six months of their seeing the light of day (being revealed to their family and friends), and almost all affairs end without leading to marriage. Even those few that end in marriage have only a 25% rate of success. That's because affairs are based on dishonesty and thoughtlessness for the feelings of others. That same dishonesty and thoughtlessness eventually turns on the lovers themselves, and the affair is destroyed by those same flaws that made it possible in the first place. What drives affairs is passion, not commitment, and once the passion wanes, there is nothing to help the lovers restore their passion. Marriage, on the other hand, especially with children, has many factors that motivate couples to restore their passion for each other after passion has waned. So when passion is gone from an affair, a wayward spouse is usually motivated to return to the betrayed spouse by all of these other factors. For most, it's a logical choice.

But what about marital separation when an affair is not the issue. In your letter, you did not indicate why you had separated. It may have been for reasons other than infidelity.

In general, I recommend separation when at least one spouse cannot control destructive behavior. An ongoing affair, of course, is one of those situations. Hence, plan B. But other situations such as physical and verbal abuse, where one spouse's mental or physical safety is as risk, are also grounds for separation. As in the case of infidelity, if one spouse is abusive, I often recommend plan A first, where, through negotiation (without anger, disrespect or demands), an attempt is made to overcome the abuse without separating.

But in some cases, the safety risks are so great that plan B should be implemented immediately, with no time for plan A. In these cases, treatment for the abusive habit must take place during separation, and some evidence must exist that the risk has been greatly reduced, or completely eliminated, before the spouses should return to each other. Then, after being together again, the formerly abusive spouse should be held accountable by others for his or her behavior to assure the other spouse's safety.

In other cases, such as annoying behavior or failure to meet important emotional needs, where thoughtlessness does not reach the level of physical or mental abuse, plan A should be given quite a bit of time and effort before resorting to plan B. Remember, plan A is negotiating (without anger, disrespect or demands) to eliminate the annoying behavior or improve the meeting of emotional needs. A blanket agreement between spouses to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement goes a long way toward eliminating these thoughtless acts, and can also help couples learn to meet each other's needs with enthusiasm. But without that policy, couples often find that they cannot get anywhere with each other through negotiation, and sometimes separation can eventually lead to mutual recognition that they need the Policy of Joint Agreement to help them resolve conflicts.

But, as I mentioned earlier, the risks of separation are great. It should be used only as a last resort to help resolve a fatal flaw in marriage. Once separated, couples often never do reconcile, remaining separated for life, or they eventually divorce. A fact unknown to many is that fifteen to twenty percent of all married couples end their lives permanently separated. These, who are not included in divorce statistics, usually feel that they should not legally divorce for religious reasons. But for most practical purposes, they are as divorced as those legally divorced. Their separation did not create the opportunity for reconciliation, but rather, created an even higher barrier between spouses.

So whenever spouses separate, I usually encourage a plan that moves them toward eventual reconciliation. From your letter, it sounds as if you are moving in that direction, and you simply need to know when it would be the right time to move back together. And you may want to know more about full marital recovery after you have ended your separation.

The four rules to recovery that I recommend after an affair are marital rules that every couple should be following. So they should form the basis for any plan for recovery after a separation. Since the four rules cover every conceivable problem that married couples face, they would address the issue that led to your separation. If you were to follow these four rules as part of your plan for recovery, I guarantee you that you will not only eliminate the problems that led you to separate, but you will also resolve many other conflicts that have prevented you from having a successful marriage.

I encourage you and your husband to make a commitment to follow the Four Rules for a Successful Marriage: Care, Protection, Honesty and Time, and once the commitment is made, end your separation and begin a marriage that will last a lifetime.

Hello Mimi

I am still here I cant always post but I follow all the advise I read.

I have chosen the hard route, the ending but not the ending as there is still contact. Not social contact but work and postgradute courses.

I do insist on my boundaries but it is hard.

WH is more like H but he still insists on finishing off projects already started with OW.

I taped them, they fight she is really annoying him but still he cannot go the final mile in letting go. It is hard to explain but in a nut shell I think he feels guily for finishing it with her and this is his way of trying to make it ok. But really he is only making it worse.

I have since discovered that this A had been going on for a lot longer than 8 months. Actually the EA probably started about 7 years ago and the PA about 4 years ( although he admits to only 2 years PA). It had wound down in summer 03 then she went out with WH broher for 5/6 months but it started with a vengence again in 03/04.

This has all left me quite numb. I dont know if I want WH to be H again. I feel stupid for not seeing the A before. I have read all the MB literature plus all your posts and now actually feel I can cope on my own.

I am another statistic I am afraid.

DH,

What do you mean when you say that you are a statistic?

What stage are you in? Do you have a plan?
I wish we could help you, but it is difficult since you are a mysterious woman!

Let us know.

cc

Hi cc

I see they are not working you off your feet today in your new job.

I am a statistic in the WH has been having an A for years an I the stupid wife did not see it. Now I consider myself quite intellectual (except I cant spell) so how come I did not spot the signs.

I keep getting logged out of the site so get very frusrustated with it. Also children have just returned to school after a 3 week break where I could not get on the computer hardly at all. DD1 and DD2 doing exams.

WH does appear with his actions to have finished the A but the residual issues still carry on there is no way to finish them any quicker. But while this contact is there will the A start again I dont think so but you can never say never.

My heart is at peace any backward actions and I am ready. All necessary items are in place.

I see Mimi giving you some very good advice on your WH re his holiday with OW. I believe he will get fed up with her but SH 2 years quota is long. But hey dont listen to me.

I am going to join the Goddess site and have some fun chat.

I dont think I can do anything further with my situation than is already happening. I have set all the MB ways into action so I am Plan Aing but it is not real recovery yet there is still contact. OW desperate to keep hold of WH but he seems to be holding firm. At the moment.

Its real good to talk to you

Read the following section which describes your situation and then let us know why you don't do PLAN B. Unless you do PLAN B, you may become a statistic, a divorce statistic.

PLEASE EXPLAIN TO US WHY NOT PLAN B?

Mimi

I have solid proof the A is over. I keep checking to make sure ther are no backward actions.

But do to contact to finish this postgraduate project I will always feel insecure. It has to be finished there is a time limit from the examiners or OW will default and she will lose a lot of money plus the degree. She blames WH for her not being able to have finished it so he is helping her to finish it. He feels guilty why oh why I dont know.

There is solid confirmation that no A is going on. He has distanced himself in all other ways. He only sees her at work and does not call her. So to Plan B does not seem appropriate at this time but I will not rule it out.

Making dinner will post more later.

Thank you for replying

These are the indications that you gave that the A is not over. IMO, it is, at least, still an EA. I would do PLAN B until he has NC with her completely!

You said:



There is a lot of passion in fighting. This is continuation of an EA. The PA can heat up again at any minute!!! Why do you have to continue to live with needing to tape THEM? Dying, remember what I told you about enabling him? There is danger of him falling more for her out of pity for her. Listen to what you are saying here.



You are feeling this way because you are not actually in recovery. Your H does not sound repentant. You should hear from him that he is sorry about what he has done to YOU. Why are you hearing concern about her? Why is he not concerned about what he is doing to you by continuing contact with her? I don't buy that contact with her cannot cease.

Since it continues, you do not need to be a part of this. Let him stay elsewhere until he is COMPLETELY FINISHED WITH HER FOREVER AND EVER!!!

Dying, let us hear from you. Do not leave MB! There is no reason for you to leave this forum! At least, not yet!

Mimi, what you posted is the most improtant part of the MB plan. I tried to follow it as best I could and I think I did pretty good. In his last e mail Dr. Harley (not SH) says that women should do weeks of plan A and men months of plan A. This is something that I have seen often in his articles: he makes this distinction between BWs and BHs: period for plan A is quite different. Nevertheless you know that he has now recommended that in my case I should plan B for probably 2 years if I can, and if not divorce will be the result.

We just have to wait and see what happens. WH should be back from his trip and I am already depressed by the fact that he's in town! He's supposed to take DDs to dinner tonight.

Dying, from what you say the A is over and you are sure of that. But you don't mention how your H is behaving and what YOU feel about all this.
Don't disappear. Talk to us.