I have been happily married to my wife for 15 years. 3 children. My wife works in a hospital assisting doctors in surgery. Last week, while looking up the History in my Internet browser to locate a web page I had visited before, I discovered that she has been using the computer in the middle of the night, typing into Google things like "How to Attract a Married Man," "The Art of Seduction," "We're Both Married, What Should I Do?" and looking at articles on workplace romances. She also visited a site that had a love compatibility test that she took; in the test, she used the birthdate and initials of one of the doctors she works for. I do not think she has had a sexual encounter with him yet nor do I have any reason to believe she has ever strayed before. I am also not sure if he has similar feelings for her. She has also Googled searches like "How to Tell if He is Attracted to Me?" and "Guide to Flirting," etc. Since finding this info, I have not been able to sleep; I have no appetite; my stomach feels constantly like you feel when you are just about to give a speech in public.

Her doctor/boss is out of town at a conference this week. I have purchased and installed stealthy SpyWare to help me capture any emails, web page visits, etc.

I want to confront her. I have read all of the introductory articles on this wonderful site about Love Banks and Love Busters, etc. But I do not see an article that tells me exactly what to say. I have written out a long letter that I would like to read to her face to face tonight after the kids go to bed. In the letter I (1) express my love for her very specifically, telling her all the things I think are wonderful about her as a person, (2) describe the horrible feelings I have experienced this past week, (3) explain that I understand how she could develop these feelings for him and that I understand it has to do with needs she is not having fulfilled at home, (4) explain that it is her choice to either continue to let the affair develop or to cut it off and focus exclusively on building our marriage, and explain the consequences of each choice, (5) reiterate my love for her and my desire to do whatever it takes--to move mountains if necessary--to rekindle our romance, repair the cracks in our relationship, and fortify our marriage.

My question is this:

Is this a good plan? Am I screwing anything up with this plan? Is there a better way? Is there anything specific I should NOT say (other than obviously, no accusations, angry outbursts, etc--that's why I am writing it all down). Please help. I am beside myself with anxiety <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

X

being from the other side of the equation I do not know if there is a 'good' way, BUT my gut tells me you have a window of opportunity here and should confront as you have set out.
It must be with respect, love even, and honesty....and gentleness....do not attack.

Tell her how much it hurts to find this, your remorse that you have not met her needs, and in turn tell her you have needs also that I suspect are not being meet.

Go to a MC - a pro marriage one - together and work on this.

It sounds as if she is just 'thinking' of doing this please help her decide not too. You cannot make her do anything she has to want to.

If she wants to know what its like to cheat then I can tell her, in fact go to General questions 11 and search for my post of last week called "Remorse, Regret and Thoughts" - print it out thats ok by me...let her read it,,thats HOW it feels , its not romantic its dirty & ugly.

Just search under my username aussieswife for 2 April ...please let her know how horrible it is X.

Even if for some reason I wanted to end the M I would just end it NOT have an affair now I know what it does to everyone in the family. She can pull back from the edge before its too late.

Also get the book 'his needs her needs' by Harley you will find it of great help.

Let us know how you go X I'm praying for you.

Thank you so much, aw.

I got some advice yesterday from Worth a Try that my speech might be a little heavy handed. I decided not to do anything last night. We are going out tonight. I am 95% certain that this has not progressed but I am also about that sure that she is developing some real feelings for this guy that she works with several hours a day every day (they perform surgery together).

I think I am going to basically tell her that I love her and that I have been thinking a lot lately about our R and M, and that I feel like I have not been connected to her and focused on her and our R as I should be. Then I'll tell her that I want to work on it and I'd like her help to do that.

I am getting books and getting lots of help from this site.

I am not sure whether, at this point, it would be productive to share with her that I know about her crush on this guy and how badly I ma hurting with that info. That's the part I'm not really sure about.

Tell her what you found. Get this out in the open and quickly. I did not realize I found out about WS' A before it turned physical. I assumed he wanted to leave me and I was not about to 'fight' for him. I was dead-wrong. I should have fought for our M with everything I had at that moment. The A turned physical a week after I found out.

IF it is still a one-sided infatuation, thank your lucky stars. You are in a wonderful position to recover your M without the horrible scars from an A. Please get the book, "Surviving An Affair".