Ok so I really need some advice. I am an emotional wreck. I have a 11 (boy) and 8 (girl). My wife and I are both very good parents. So we have had 50-50 custody since seperation.

Last July my wife told me that she had fallen in love with another man. She moved out in August. We tried counseling with two different counselors and got fired by both of them because she just couldn't commit.

She filed in October, but we lingered on until February. When I felt that I had to finally let go. Those six months were the most aweful time of my life. I became suicidal on two occasions and promised myself that I would never let meself get hurt again.

In March I started dating and found the most amazing lady. Who is exactly what I would choose and I have absolutely no doubt about her loyalty and ability to satisfy my needs, or my ability to satisfy hers. The only problem is that I love to be a dad. And saying good-bye to my kids every other week is so sad.

So I have put my relationship on hold with the new woman (breaking her heart), and I am exploring the options with my wife but I am overwhelmed by fear. I am scared of getting hurt. I will always love my wife but I am so scared. I loved being married almost more than being alive and when I saw that it had to end, I chose myself. Now I feel that I am putting that choice in danger.

Has anyone weathered a 11th hour return of a spouse? Was it worth the pain? Many of the factors that led to the affair are still in place, how can I protect myself and still walk into the same situation.

I appreciate any response.

Sad.

You have a difficult decision. Follow your heart. I lost my 2 boys in a divorce. I thought weekends and a month in the Summer and once a week during would be enough. I stay active in their lives: Scouting, sports, school, spiritula development. Always try to be there for them. But it is never enough time. I am missing out of so much time. Missing out of comming home and them running at me to give me a hug, saying daddy's home. If you want to be a family fight hard, have perserverence, Pray to God for guidance. I urge you to fight to the end for your children.

I understand your dilema because it was THE one I thought about constantly when I was married to my multi-affair exWW [first W] but after seeing that living with her was very toxic, I chose to divorce her.

Is your STBXW still in contact with the OM? If she is and you choose to drop the divorce, then you are just going to go back to an open marriage and I doubt that that is what you really want, right? Maybe she wants to drop the divorce because she saw you got involved with another woman and like many WS, she beleives that only she has a right to have an affair. I would try to find out if her motives for reconciliation are sincere otherwise you may find yourself regretting your decision later on.

TMCM

P.S. You did the right thing in ending your affair with the OW for you are still a married man and your affair is just as bad as your STBXW's.

What happened to the other man who your wife was so in love with? Do they still have contact?
I admire that you stopped the relationship with the woman you were dating. Not that you hurt her, I sympathize with that. And I feel badly for her; she is an innocent.

But that you love your children enough to sacrifice your own happiness for their sake. That's what I admire.

I wouldn't trust that your wife really wants you back and wants to reconcile the marriage. More likely she sees your moving on with your life, and a case of the affair partner she was "in love with" having gone stale, with a healthy whiff of realty blowing the fog away.

Are you living separately? Would your wife be willing to commit to counseling now, a la Harleys, complete with the No Contact letter, the one-on-one time spent with each other, and meeting emotional needs? If you're not sure you should stop the divorce, but you want to do the right thing by your children, maybe you could just put it on "hold" for six months to a year while you and your wife date exclusively and do counseling.

Again, I admire you for being a good father.

Follow your heart.
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This is absolutely the WORST advice possible.
Most affairs start exactly because of this. The ws follows their "heart".

Right now your "heart" may be with this other person you are/were dating (and should not have started dating).

So I have put my relationship on hold with the new woman
What exactly does this mean?
Is she sitting around "waiting" to see what happens with you and your wife?
If so, this is not good (or fair) for anyone. You should end it completely and not let her (or you) think she is "on stand-by" in case reconciliation does not work.

You should see if there is anything worth saving and how seriously she is willing to commit to saving it.

Either way, you should not be involved with anyone else until it all gets sorted out.

TMCM, I disagree. They were separated, and his wife had effectively ended the marriage. The final divorce is just a technicality.I wouldn't call dating under those conditions an "affair."

Thank you all for your responses.

As for the other guy they are still in contact. The work together. Over the last 18 months she has said several times that she is done with him however however it has never stuck. But she seems very sincere that she will leave her work, go to counselling and do all the steps. Its just I have a hard time just leaping into the abyss since she has faded on me before.

In Feb. She calleds me up in tears saying she wanted to come back that she was done with OG. For a week we tried and started to move closer. However on the following Sat. night she said she had a craft class with other guys mom I told her that this was the last time and I would trust her but, She never came home and I found her car at his house at 3 AM. Thats when I called it.

So the problem I have is that pain covers up the love I used to have for her. She is attractive and sweet but I can't seem to break through the fear. Because I broke so bad last time, I promised I would never do that again.

I want to get to my kids more than anything, but at the same time I know I was close to being gone forever.

Finally one of the biggest factors was her fear of my parents and my closeness to them. They are not perfect but we are close and I am not sure if I can just give them up after then have been so supportive to me. Arrgh. It is so confusing.

Dan

Her "fear of your parents"? What does that mean? Did you parents criticize her for betraying her vows? Oh, gee.

Of have your parents done something illegal, like take out a contract on her life. Or drop a truck load of bull manure on her front lawn.

If you are leaning on your parents right now, giving them blow-by-blows of the problems in your marriage, that has to stop. What you've revealed to them before is revealed. But no more "updates".

She is going to have to earn her way back into their approval. Consequences of behaving badly. She doesn't get a free pass. You should have a talk with them though, if you decide to work on your marriage, and tell them you need their help. And specifically, the help is to NOT bring up the past with your wife. To be polite to her no matter what. Not warm, friendly, adoring, loving, just polite. Wife will have to let time heal the wounds.

Hey Belle,

As for the parents they have behaved badly in the past before the seperation, snide remarks etc. But I did't protect stbxw and that was a huge part of the chain of events that led to all the bad stuff.

But since I called it off, I asked my parents to help me stay in my house so the kids wouldn't have to move. So they have helped a lot, they have replaced furniture and helped with lawyer bills and really been there for me. So bottom line I feel incredibly greatful to them and STBXW felt or feels very threatened. So yeah parents have a role but they have also been really helpful to me.

Dan

Great news! Yes Great news there is still hope for your marriage for your family, for your kids. Fantastic, give it everything you've got. Don't let fear stop you, just go through it day by day, even if you are fearful, admit this fear to your wife. The best thing for your kids and in the end you is to WORK hard at reconciliation, even if that means remaining separated, keep you focus on your dream your goal... Don't give up until all hope of reconciliation is gone(she remarries). It is not over until then, so don't give up until then either. Just a little pep talk, I have complete faith that God can heal any marriage relationship if WE let him. Sorry you can not control your wife in this equation, I could not control my WH either and I am now alone. But just hang on, it can happen for you!

Bellevue this is very dangerous thinking and very much like the one a WS uses to jutify his/her affair.

Being separated does not mean a person is single. Even the States recognize this. For exmaple, Who do you think would get the assets if the other spouse died while being separated? Really Sad's WW. If Really Sad died and left no living will stating whether or not he would like to be connected to life support devices, who would have the final word? Really Sad's WW.

Until Really Sad is officially divorced, he is still a married man.


Really Sad

Only you can decide whether or not you want to give your marriage another chance. If you do, then I'd suggest that you do not make it easy for your WW to return to the marriage. Make her earn her way back by embracing the MB principles embodied in Dr Willard Harley's books, otherwise you are setting yourself up for another fall.

TMCM

Bellevue this is very dangerous thinking and very much like the one a WS uses to jutify his/her affair.

Being separated does not mean a person is single. Even the States recognize this. For exmaple, Who do you think would get the assets if the other spouse died while being separated? Really Sad's WW. If Really Sad died and left no living will stating whether or not he would like to be connected to life support devices, who would have the final word? Really Sad's WW.

Until Really Sad is officially divorced, he is still a married man.

In principle I agree with you. Separated isn't divorced. However, I cut some slack for a person whose spouse has had an affair, abandoned the marriage, and there is the person left hanging out in the wind.
I don't hold such a person to the same exacting standards as one who has a spouse still being faithful and working to save their marriage. I don't view such a person as immoral.

They may be being unwise and unfair to the new person they are dating, but it's a shade of gray not quite the same as a fully married person.

(This from one who is a BS)

For your children, you should consider working it out with your wife. She must, of course, sever all ties to OM. Recovery will be HARD , but you give your marriage and family a new life. If you two can go throgh this you'll grow from this. It'll make for a stronger marriage.

Good luck!

RS,

Perhaps I can offer you something to consider. Ask yourself "What has changed?" Is OM out of the picture? Do you have any evidence that he is? Has your W offered or shown any changes in perspective? Does she understand at least a little bit of what she has done?

RS look at the data. If nothing has changed other than her words, then I would suggest "steady as she goes" toward divorce. This is NOT a marriage at all costs site. It is a site to offer strategies and thoughts on how to repair relationships/marriage ONCE both people decide to work on the marriage. It also offers guidance about waiting out an affair.

You are not certain if the A is over. I would suggest to you that if there is no data to indicate anything has changed, then there is no reason to change your course. Your relationship can/could be rebuilt after a divorce as well, IF that is what you two want.

You might also want to ask your lawyer, what delaying the divorce a few week might entail. Some states will allow you to do this without having to withdraw it and then start all over.

Collect the data from your lawyer, your W, and your own heart, and then decide what is the correct thing to do. I can assure you that no matter what you decide right now it won't "feel" good to you. Hence the comment about looking at the data.

Hope this helps your thinking.

God Bless,

JL