Please help me, my husband had an affair several months ago and told me. He ended it and said he wanted to stay with me. He did try really hard at first to be great but he has stopped showing me any type of affection. So, wrongly I am sure I sat him down and told him I needed to know how to fix these problems. What did I do wrong. What would make him happy. He said he doesnt know, I did nothing wrong, theres no one else but he just isnt happy. He said he doesnt want to be together any more. HELP I dont want this, we have been together since we were 16. We have 3 teenage kids who this is gonna crush and I still love him dearly. Its breaking my heart. I could except it if I knew what went wrong but he insists its nothing, he doesnt know why just that he loves me but he is no longer In love with me. Oh I must have done some horrible things in life. My only living family *sister* died a year ago and not only does he want to leave me, I have no support group. I am too old to start again and I have never been alone before. I am devastated. I read all sorts on the internet about stopping a divorce, but gotta pay lots for their advice. Anyone been where I am and made it through still together? I am on my knees begging GOD to help me, but I have been begging for the past few months while I knew something was wrong. This is my last hope. Please help

BW

your H is most likely still having his affair if the things he is saying to you is like "I love you but I'm not in love with you"
This is a CLASSIC what we call FOG statement. FOG is the way we describe a persons thinking & behaviour while they are in a affair or in withdrawal.
What it means is I want to be by myself so I can keep my affair going without you & kids making me feel guilty.

One thing, YOU are not responsible for his decision to have an affair..he made that one all on his own.
Yes you probably share a portion of the responsibility for the M getting to the point where he chose an affair BUT he did CHOOSE. Free will Bw.
He is doing the classic 'its your fault' ..well its not.

Now what can you do?

Ok first things first. READ this whole site & get to know Plan A & plan B.

Plan A is the start off point.

Now in tandem with Plan A read the book called his needs her needs by HArley - see the bookstore link on this site & I understand it can be bought in the bigger book stores as well. You may also want to read 'Surviving An Affair" as well.

Now also go to "WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses" on this 'Just found out' forum, its at the top of the page .... it is VERY good and has all the things you need to know to begin fighting for you M.

BW
the biggest thing you will likely find out right away is that you must not CONFLICT AVOID things, does not mean you pick fights, it means you face things and not avoid the difficult things - hey we ALL do that - hard as that may be.

Now pls start reading and then get back to us with questions as I'm sure you will have.

all the best

You were right. He came home and told me he loved me and I he does not want to leave me. As I am bouncing around happily like a big idiot he writes me a note telling me he was back with the other girl and has been for about a month. That he no longer wants to be with her but wanted me to be totally aware. So I say okay we can move on first she's got to go. As the day gets later and I say u need to call her and let her know, since he said she is aware and she told him to go home to me and get it figured out. He starts to change, saying he isnt sure and its hard because he thinks he loves both of us. SO after long talks and crying I give him my rings and say hold them until you are sure. Before the night is over he pulls me close and puts them back on saying I am his choice, then calls the other woman and tells her. Now it is morning, he is just sitting and thinking. Says it will take a few days to get her off his mind. The eventually says he needs to go to his Moms to be able to talk to someone and think alone. I am crushed of course and he says he thinks I have nothing to worry about. Oh dear LORD help me, I bet, help me not lose him. It is falling apart in front of me and I cannot do anything. We have 15 years of memories, but the new fresh memories are all of her where he took her to the places WE used to go, she is the memories he has in his head right now. How can I compete if he wouldnt let me in. I am starting to read the things you have said. Thank you for listening and your advice. GOD bless

Your WH will go through withdrawl, that is inevitable. If you still want to do your part to save/rebuild your marriage then the first thing you should do is avoid like the plague ANY LB [angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, dishonesty, independent behavior and annoying habits]. And don't try to fulfill any of his EN until after he agrees to never again contact the OW. One thing that also seems to work for many BS whose WS are going through withdrawl from the OP, is to let the WS know that when he/she is tempted to contact the OP, to contact the BS instead. The OW is like a bad addiction, and the sooner your WH acknowledges this, the better the chances are that he will treat it as such.

TMCM

Yes, you CAN do something. You need to pull yourself together, START READING, get the plan for saving your marriage and get to work! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Easy? Heck no,,but if you want to rebuild your marriage into something better than you ever dreamed possible, you need to get moving!

Read the Welcome to New Builders in the post at the top of this forum. Also read WAT's Quickstart. Both have excellent shortcuts and links to very important information. Post here with your questions and frustrations. You'll get help.

Try to encourage your H to talk to you and to control yourself as he does so. Not easy, I know but you need answers and he needs support too. Don't lash out at him or throw things back in his face. You need to be strong. I know when you feel as though your life is falling apart before your eyes it's difficult to even think about being "strong" but you CAN do it!!

The end results WILL be worth the effort. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well its Monday night and my H has been at his Moms since yesterday. He is not coming home again but he did call me. I dont know what to say. I am afraid to say too much and make him feel I am crowding him, but am afraid the longer he stays away the more chance he will not come home again. He told me tonight he has been thinking about why he had the A and why he did it a second time with the OW and how is he gonna know he wont do it again in the future. He said he cannot figure out why or what happened and I get the idea what he is saying is he doesnt know if we can be happy enough that he wont go through this again. I really feel what he is doing is weighing his options. Stay with me and risk we cant get back what we had for all those years or go with her which is nice now but dont know what will come from it. I get frustrated and want to say forget it until I talk to him and he gives me a little glimmer of hope. I went to my church today and asked them to pray for me and my H. To help me do GODs will, and to help me get through whatever may come.