My H decided to have an A.
He came back home physically but never emotionally.
After 18 months of trying to plan a- he left again.
I don't believe that MB failed me- my H failed us. No amount of plan aing will work when only one person tries to save a M.

I miss him and the us we used to have but I am so full of rage that he did this to me and my kids. I never thought M was a dispossible thing, I thought it was for ever. I don't think we had the worlds best M but we shared, laughed, and enjoyed life until OW made him rewrite the history books.

I can barely deal with the loss of his love and companionship, the loss of his support and the death of a dream I felt entitled to. I hate him for destroying my family. I hate him for taking my kids away from me every other weekend and once midweek. I didn't chose for this to happen, I have no desire to be a part time mum. Why should I suffer because of his stupid choices? Why should my kids be shipped from place to place? I don't want to deny them the love from a father but I do want them to feel they have one home where they belong, not two half places. I hate that they are always about to pack a bag.

The lack of control over others in our lives and how their decisions affect us, is something I am still coming to terms with.

I know if I could let go of things I can't change, I would be calmer.
I know if I could focus on the positive, I would be happier.
I know that if I could show him a less angry me, I would give myself a chance ot heal. And just maybe a chance for him to regret and reflect on what he has lost.

But to know these things doesn't enable you to fulfill them.
Any suggestions? How fdo you engage less emotionally and move forward? How do you except that it is over? How do you put aside the pain that is burning inside you?
S

Your feelings are very normal but if you are concerned that they are keeping you from moving on with your life then I'd suggest that you consider IC.

For what it's worth, seldom do relationships that started out as affairs survive and a lot of them also are destroyed by affairs. So take some comfort in that what goes around comes around, in spades.

TMCM

I am pretty sure that it won't last but that only fuels my anger. By the time H wakes up to himself nd what he has lost it may be too late for us and our children. Why can't he see that we were blessed and he has destroyed all that I was so thankful for.

I am not looking for revenge I just want to give my kids and myself a good life and I still foolishly believe one with the father of my kids will hold the most reward.
I know I am still hitting my head against a brick wall. How can i let go of something that is so obvious to me?

I am so sick of being told I am normal. It is normal to have A, it is normal for M to fail, it is normal to be hurt and angry. I want to be abnormal.

S

I know exactly how you feel. My stbx was not here emotionally for at least 2 years before the final split (which was actually 5 months before he moved out).

I'm not angry much anymore, I find that I do get lonely and get stressed as I have so much responsibility now. As time goes on, I find that I don't miss HIM so much as I miss having a companion, someone to talk to, make plans with, etc. Believe me if this is normal, I wish I was abnormal, too.

I have posted on this topic recently as well - in two posts. One about going off A/D's (wondering if that is why I'm feeling these emotions now) - and the other about wanting revenge.

One part of me really does want him to suffer for the choices he's made. I just got off the phone with him and it wasn't a pleasant discussion. He is upset about how I'm treating him when I run into him and doesn't appreciate that it is painful for me and I don't know how to interact with him in public settings. He sees himself as a compassionate person, which I totally disagree with. Also, several people who know us both have told me in the past 2 months how arrogant he is and how inconsiderate he is for anyone but himself.

So, the stalemate continues. He called to say that he was initiating the D paperwork. We got off the phone, and I feel SO sad again, and also convinced this D is the right way to go. Still it is hard, and the anger, pain and hurt all run together at times.

I suspect for you - and for me - that the anger will pass; the sadness may never pass.

I had dinner tonight with H mom and sister. They think less of him than I do. A little comforting but it is still me who has to except the broken home he has created for me and my kids. I am the one who loses her finacial security and her kids every second weekend, I am the one who has to reinvent myself cos I allowed my role as wife and mother to be all consuming.
He is rejoicing in his new life. All his new purchases etc. While I sit in our old house with the hole he has created and the knowledge that the only man who can fill that hole is the father of my children yet that man could never make me truey happy nor does he care to try.

Time, I know, will help my healing. But meanwhile where do you put all that anger and all that frustration? I have never felt so out of control. I have never felt my destiny was so much in someone elses hands. How could I allow myself to be so vulnerable and how did I allow someone else so much power over me? Where to from here?

So scared- so lonely

S

yea, it's normal.

time will take care of your feelings. but don't be surprised even after a year post divorce, or two, or maybe three, you still feel a touch of it.

It's normal. Your stbxh has gone off the deep end. He has left his family for somebody else..and that person morally, the op, doesn't seem to mind either.

My d was nasty, costly, and it was unavoidable. It was either I fight him in court, or give in initially to his demands. I had no other way.

What you gotta remember is that you are blessed with the time to heal now. You can reflect on what you are changing in yourself, what you would have done differently, etc. You will also have the blessing of fidelity from remaining as a faithful partner to the end. After the whole thing is over, you'll fare better than your x will. Trust me. they can remarry op, shack up, do whatever, and it will not change the fact your x never had time to mourn loss of your marriage and family, that he jumped into frying pan outta the fire, and it will take a serious toll on that new "relationship"...trust me.

and yes, you can't worry about the op. My xh announced a month ago after a soccer practice "love you guys." I know he regrets what he did. but he can't take it back. He's instantly remarried the op, well one of the several op's, became a dad 2 mos. after the marriage, and obviously isn't the happiest man on the planet.

and he keeps up trying to initiate contact w/me all the time. I do not contact him at all unless it is about son or money issues (which affairs also leave in shambles). what's sad is an instant remarriage or relationship after a divorce has loose ends...and the former w or H is still going to have to be around and the lover won't like it.

my xh's new wistress (wife plus mistress)is horribly insecure. she will show up in separate vehicle at end of son's soccer games. notice she does NOT come at beginning of son's soccer games to root him on, just to "see" what is happening b/w xh and myself.

I am really detached from most of it now. the other moms are ones who see it and tell me. and xh always tries to stand nearby, is assistant coach, and we see each other about 2xweek during soccer season...funny thing, but it was ME who got son into soccer...and xh signed up son for second back to back season after the fall ended...can we say he has to get a fix? yea.

as for my healing..I have a very dark and sharp sense of humor. I named my xh..(son never hears it)...my girlfriends, relatives, and I call him several names which fit his transformation into the ws he is and became. and remember, a ws is not the same person as your xh or H. I now jokingly call him "darth" or "the sith lord"...I love star wars plus I can't avoid the comparison of how the lovely queen has to leave anakin (darth) b/c he chooses to cross over to the dark side...ah..my life made into a sci fi.

My girlfriend last week went to a soccer game with me. as a joke, she wanted me to wear my baby t I got when my son and I went to nasa in FL a few weeks back...it says "rocket scientist" on it. very cute and shows off curves. I wore it...sure enough, the wistress showed up at end of game and she instantly saw my shirt (she's an uneducated golddigging x sort of model who preys on rich guys)which is like fingernails on a chalkboard to her after she went off on me last fall for no reason and I told her "it's ok...you're only acting from your own ignorance and I forgive your instability." and x knows she is not exactly smart. X saw my shirt, laughed and smiled and she frowned angrily at him for the response. yea, it was fun.

but that's it. I really don't care. but time to time, I will take refuge in my dark humor, laugh about things now, and have my peace at the end of the day. My son love me. I have good friends. I have respect of my family and friends. I have a great career and may be going back to school to become a practicioner. I look better now. And my xh is instantly tied to a woman who is probably just somebody most guys would want a short term fling with..not anything long term. Let's face it. You can't exactly discuss existentialism or the meaning of life with this one. Meanwhile, I worked on my outside "packaging", my innard "packaging" and my life. I grew. He didn't. He imho, slid backward.

Lately I find myself posting less and less. I thnk it's directly proportional to my healing.

When the anger hits, do something. Go to workout. Go to mall. Get your nails done. If your kids are home, hug them. Take them out for a walk. Go to a park. Do something special for them. That's what is going to help you most. Realizing life is not over. It is now up to you to redefine YOU and remember he lost the chance to remain in the picture. It's his loss and you cannot carry the weight of this on your back. It is no longer your burden to bear. Learn how to let it go.

And don't worry about dating, money or anything. Just get by, pay the bills and when life calms down, you can tackle the bigger life issues like that.

Justpeachy, wonderful post. I just got done writing to Jan about how great it is to women being strong, taking care of themselves & their children.

ddsm (sorry if that's not right)Yes, the anger passes.

Just remember you didn't make the choice to cheat & leave the marrigae your H did & we have no controll over other peoples choices. It's terrible when they affect us & our children but where do you want to go from here?

To be somewhat trite, living well is the best revenge. The truth is if you're living well (translate that to happy with yourself) you won't feel the need for revenge.

I'm in the middle of a D. H wanted out we "tried" for a year to repair our problems but it was really only me who was committed. The sad truth is stbx wants a new life & it affets me, my future, the kids, their futures & I have no choice but to work with that.

JP,

You sound so great and I'm happy for you. I just know my road ahead is less smooth. I am not a rocket scientist. I was the first wife who paved a road for H to be all he could be. Supported his intellectual development, career, business and family. I have been left, at least in the short term, financially dependant. My income ability would equal a tenth of what he offered us. All that said, I know that money isn't everything and he can have his money and lifestyle and shove it up OW's **** , for all I care.

I am also constantly fighting with him for my kids to be based here in their home with me. He thinks he has much more to offer them than me. So, I have my children to fight for as well.As weel as my need to be their mother the roll I always held prior to OW on the scene.

Yes, I know time will heal. And I know these feelings are normal. I know they have very little chance of happiness together long term. And that I could build a real relationship with op one day.

But from where I stand now... his life is pretty peachy. He has all he wants, he is driving his destiny and I am this sad lonely sack miserable in her little corner of the world. Getting my nails done and going shopping all feel like window dressing cos all I feel like doing is rocking in a cold corner wondering why me. Sorry to be so miserable but there you have it.

S