Today my brother in law got married, suppose to be a joyious event right? Not when the Bride was friends with the OW and friends of the OW <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Granted they did NOT invite the OW because then H nor I would attend... but they did invite people that are friends with her, and were supposidly my friends who kept the A from me. So needless to say I was very insecure today. H did NOTHING to releive that anxiety. It started last night when he kept waking me up all night long trying to have SF- and then left me to get all the boys ready and do the flower girls hair while he went for a motorcycle ride and get his hair cut... He is the best man so I was okay with that- okay to try and keep this short, I missed the WHOLE ceremony because DS2 would not stop yelling "I WANT MY DADDY!!!!" and of course he could not, then H stayed away from me the entire time, I heard him telling women they looked beautiful and he never once commented on me (and I did my hair, nails and was wearing a hot pink number). Then we get to the reception, and DS2 fell asleep in the car, so I sat in there with him until almost dinner time, went into the hall, and had to sit alone with my three boys at a reserved table because everyone else was already settled, I was VERY sad, and a bit over emotional- plus trying to keep all the boys in one spot when they were running opposite directions. Okay then Comes H's bug speech, and he starts it out about how him and his brother were always competeing when they were younger and still do, and how H had gotten married had kids and what not, but ended his speech saying "well BIL you've won, you have a great woman, and SIL you look Beautiful, welcome to the family" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> What does You won mean???? So now I start bawling. Told H I wanted to leave and he told me "whatever". I could continue but I will spare you the details. TO sum it up he did not come near me with out ridicule until AFTER the people that still associate with the OW left for the night. THen made it out like it was all my fault and that I am too sensitive. What do you all think?

Also we both have tomorrow off, does not happen very often- and he plans to go clean his brothers car (we decorated it, and he is leaving for Hawaii for 12 days) and then ride his motorcycle to his buddy's house and spend the day, and I am suppose to stay home and clean... because if he wanted to look like he lived in a trailer he would have saved the money and just bought one.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Hey K,
{{{{K}}}} Wow. That would have upset me too. I dont know if you read on my recent thread but I discovered CC between ow and wh. You can read that if you want to, but what I didnt put down was that my H almost never compliments me either, when i confronted ow she showed me her text messages and they are all "i love you beautilful" and more in the same vein. Let me tell you, this woman is an ugly dwarf! she's short, fat , and covered in zits, and he thinks she's beautiful?! I asked him about that and actually laughed at him that she's my supposed competition. What i've come to believe and this may apply to your sitch too is that my H is trying to kill my self esteem which is still high (yours should be too, dont you resemble me? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />) Why some men do this ,I dont know. Maybe because he doesnt want you to think you could do better than him.either way its emotional abuse and neither of our spouses should act this way. Im sure you looked beautiful today K and im sure your H knows that. Like I said, I think he's just trying to take the wind out of your sails is all. Dont allow him to damage your self confidence because of his insecurities.

Oh dear!! I am soooo sorry! {{{{{KMEJ}}}}}

I can relate, sort of. Just weeks after d-day #1 H & I read in our friends' wedding... I had to read I Corinthians 13... "love is patient, love is kind..." I started sobbing and there was not a dry eye in the house when I finished. Too bad H was still in a thick fog, or he might have noticed! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Why on earth was he acting like this? Is this typical for his behavior lately or was it a major change? Geesh! Have you had the opportunity to calmly talk about this w/ him?

Yep, I would be very resentful that he was not more sensitive to my needs at such a critical time, *but* I think I would have been more proactive about seeking out the attention I know I deserved! I would have marched in there with my head held high... even if I was carrying a sleeping 2 yr old! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I am of the mindset that I will not allow OW to rob me of anymore of my peace or my life... I will not aler my behavior becasue of her, I have alredy lost enough and refuse to give any more of my power away! BTW, OW works at my gym, where H's office still is. I have started working out again, blubber-dog (OW) be darned! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Still, sounds like a majorly bad day for you and I am sooooo sorry you are feeling this pain! Weddings anytime after an A are rough! The fact that friends of OW were around just adds salt to the wound! You might want to mention to H, when you can discuss this, that it is possible word might get back to OW that you guys didn't exactly seem "in sync" and then what?! How cruel for him not to realize these things!

Where's my 2x4, I will clobber him for ya! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you for reading my post and responding. I have now had a half way decent night sleep, and am feeling a little better. H is already gone on for the day <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

As for if this is typical behavior for H- not lately. It was really a low blow for him today. I understood that he was the best man and had responsiblities, however he found time to talk to everyone else and laugh and DANCE WITH OTHERS. However he did not help when he saw S4 running one way and DS2 running the other- out different doors, I was over tired and hungry. I finally decided to chaulk things up to a loss and just take care of my kids. DS8 was being very good, at least.
I guess I was really upset because to add salt to a wound, he made fun of me for acting childish and said I should understand he had responsiblities.. but what made it worse is he never asked me to dance, he only danced with me when he had too (DJ said) and then we did not talk, I mean if body language talked, ours was screaming <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I really did not want to let him drag me down, but weddings are hard, seeing these two people so happy and commiting to loving one another for ever, and then seeing where my loving relationship ended up.

I also told him how I felt about the OW's friends at the wedding, and he said he did not give a F*#&.. once they left he came up and ask if I was done hiding yet. At that point I decided that I love to dance, and this is my chance to do so, so I tool DS2 on the dancefloor and we wore each other out. about an hour later my MIL came and took DS2 and told me to enjoy myself and she watched him for almost an hour, it was great to only have to worry about DS2&8- who were easy to spot.

SO I do not get 2x4'ed to heavy about talking too much about what H did, I will tell you that I was very hurt and very sad, and felt like the worse person ever to be invited to a wedding, because at an event where you are suppose to support marriage and how wonderful love is, I kept thinking divorce. that there has to be more out there for me. I was ashamed of myself.

I am very thankful that the day is gone. I am trying to forget what happened yesterday, and the rejection I am still feeling from yesterday. Holding resentment for my H's behavior I am thinking will not get me anywhere. However is a sorry asking too much from someone who thinks he has done nothing wrong?

KMEJ, this isn't about the wedding. This is a man who thinks he's got you where he wants you. Doesn't need to make any more effort. Interesting that his mum stepped in to give you a hand with the boys - it should have been his responsibility. And as for him leaving you to clean the house and he goes off to his buddy - let him know that many hands make light work. If he just gave one hour of his time, you could have your place ship-shape. Are you still doing two jobs? He is a taker, you are a giver. But you will wear yourself out soon and you are too young and too pretty to do that. He doesn't deserve you and he's not worth it. There - I said it. Very un-MB but I can't help it. You have been unhappy for such a long time. Surely you have to put a time limit on unnecessary unhappiness? Is it that you just can't see a way out or do you really have a hope that he could turn himself around and meet you even halfway? TT

Well H just came and went again. He got back from his brothers, came in yelling at me because DS4 got into his truck- I had just checked on him man that kid is quick... anyway got into H's candy stash and his silver YO-Yo that he got as a gift. THen he continues on about how the house is a trashed pit and what the h*ll have I been upto all morning (like getting three boys up dressed fed and occupied as well as starting laundry and cleaning was not enough). Then I told him if he was so concerned about the house then maybe he should pitch in since he has had more free time then me lately. He then decided to shove me where I fell down the stair to our living room and smashed my head into the wooden clock we have hanging there. I am so tired of this, I asked him why he feels he can treat me this way, and all he said was WHAT WAY? then he continued to lay into me about the fact that the house is not clean. He took the tuxes back to the store and I do not know if he will be back.

Why do I not leave- I really do not know anymore. Do I think he can change, not so much anymore. Do I see good in him, of course. Is he over tired, yes- do I matter to him? I doubt it. well back to cleaning. just needed to vent so I do not take it out on my children. Thanks for reading.

Oh KMEJ,

WARNING 2X4

Nothing will ever change as long as you continue to accept this disgusting arrangement you have with your H.

You are raising three children who witness all of this abuse/neglect. Three boys who will grow up hating their dad and hating you for not doing anything about it. And they will treat woman the way daddy treats you. They will treat their babies the way daddy treats them.

You have one option to change your sitch and turn your world and that of your kids world around, and that is Plan B.

What are you waiting for? A miracle? The miracle is in you.

No pity from me anymore, except for your children.

You choose abuse and chaos for them, instead of a loving sanctuary which should be theirs but which you and hubby deny them, because of the sick dance you keep dancing with him.

If the children were out of the home and you were middle aged and knew of no other life I may have some understanding. But you are young and strong.

What the hell does the "love" you feel for your H have to do with anything. Love is an action, it is an act of protection... of nurturing. You "x"WH is more than just "wayward" he is an abuser and you are an abuser by accomplise, an abuser to your children because you allow this.

And you know better.

I second what Weaver has said.

If you do not remove you and your children from this there will only be more of the same but probably escalated.

I was in a relationship when I was younger and had my front teeth knocked out and my ribs broken, and that was after I left him. You must stop it now!!!

There is not salvaging a marriage when this kind of behavious exists. Only therapy could change his rage.

Be strong for your children today!

Shelly

Holy Cow KMEJ! I read this thread a little while ago and felt so sad for you. Then I come back and read this latest incident. Wow.

This is really disturbing...that he would phsyically knock you down and then berate you about the house. The house doesn't really matter in the big picture....but you do! I know this is not the first time this has happened. I wonder, do you think if you clean the house he will be happy and nice when he comes home? Or ever? I used to have the little ones and the messy house. And when H and I were fighting I would sit and stew and try to make it all better. Now, I would take them little ones and say screw the house, were going to the park! I know how hard it is to have 3 of them...i had 3 in 4 yrs and 16 days...I was busy! Now they are teenagers and it is sooo much easier.

Anyway, can you get the laundry on the right track and give yourself a break? Get all the dishes in a single pile/place so it's easier to tackle later, put some laundry in and go do something outside to get your mind off him? Go wear them kids out so they'll take a big huge nap when you get home and you can take a bath! ( I know, if only it were that easy!)

I am so sorry that you have to put up with this from him. Nobody deserves it. ESPECIALLY NOT YOU!

Adding: And why do you have to leave? Why not him? Is that an option so you don't have to re-locate with 3 kids?

Maybe it's too late today but next time CALL THE POLICE! Or go to the doctor and have the nasty bump examined. The doctor will be legally responsible for reporting it. Head injuries are not something to laugh off.

Your WH is an unrepentent, irresponsible, selfish, immature jerk. He has an enormous sense of entitlement. You are allowed to work double time for a paycheck, be responsible for your kids and keep the house clean. Don't tell me he's a picky eater too and complains about what's put on the table.

If he doesn't want kids in his car: lock it! If he wants a clean house: clean it. His sons make messes. He can help clean them up. It's a partnership. Such babble!

The wedding was just a symptom of all the rot. You can bet he told OW that he was "forced" to go to the wedding with you. He couldn't give any indication of being a family man, father and husband in front of her friends. It's almost to prove to that he can treat you like crap and you'll take it. I understand completely. You were put in a bad emotional situation and had responsiblity for 3 rambunctious kids. I've been there. It's extremely stressful to be at an important social occasion and not have any support with the kids. How can you have a little fun and be an adult if you are doing crowd control all the time? What a craphead! I'd also put money that he's out on his motorcycle making a lengthy long distance call to OW.

If you accept this behavior, you will just get more of it from him. RUN! DO NOT ACCEPT THIS TREATMENT! Do what is best for you and you children.

It's not too late to call the police and report the physical attack.

It would be the best course for you to take KMEJ to get him out of the house and begin the process of change. For you both.

None of the children were present for this, so they did not see. I am not justifying it at all, I just wanted you all to know that they were not around. Two were in the basement playing and the third was in his room with a friend with the radio playing.
I have no physical bruise, and it would be his word against mine, and for some reason he is very good with people, and twisting things, I always come out looking the bad guy.

Right now H is in the hottub- I think he is just as mad at me as I am frusterated with him. Space is a good thing right now. It is a beautiful day here, and I have all the windows open and the sun is shineing. I am not going to let him ruin my day off.
H is calling for me. Be back later.

I dont have much time to respond, but I have to on this one...

I didn't realize how much your H abuses you KMEJ! You have got to call the police, and get out of this marriage...even if it is to seperate...This man hasn't got a clue how he is treating you...Even my H, who wins the prize for most foggy H on earth btw, hasn't and wouldn't treat me that way...

I am telling you this, and I have NEVER said this to ANYONE excpet ONE peron on this board knows about this, becaseu she was on the phone with me when this happend!

Easter EVE, my H and I got into a HUGE arguement...He showed the Divorce papers to my 9 y/o son...I flipped out...WE started in with physical abuse towards EACH other...I tried to call the police ( I was scared, I'd never done that) but he grabbed both phones and shattered them...I grabbed my purse to leave the house, cuz i didnt' want to engage any further in this...he grabbed me and dragged me back into the house..purse still in hand...the boys were watching this the whole time...they were screaming...

he threatend to kill me that night...I yelled at my DS9 to run next door...At that point, H ws still holding on to me...He let me go to run and get DS9, I ran out the back door and next door...no one was home..I called the police...then I called the one person on this board who would talk to me...She stayed on the line with me the entire time until the police got there!

I didnt' file a report, as I also hit him...so we could have BOTH gone to jail...the police asked H to leave...He called me later, VERY sorry for what had happend...He was very uspet over the dirovrce etc..but does that give him reason to do what he did...NO...and I should nto have swung at him...

The next day I had bruises show up under my arms...they were huge...of course they wreen't there when the police were there! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

My point is....MY H was SORRY for what he did...he had remorse...Your H hasn't a clue that he is treating you this way...he beleives it is OK for him to shove you, degrade you in public...not support you...Ther is absolutely NO REASON your H should NOT have helped you last night with those boys...So what...he's the best man...He stood at the alter and that should have been the end of his job...His family shoudl come first...and for him NOT to compliment you and nto to help you, dance with you...

Honey, I ahve seen you...You ARE beautiful..you desreve what he is not giving you..he is controlling you! Dont let him do it anymore!

You know I filed for a divorce...H dopesn't want the divorce...he wants to reconcile...

Your H needs help and as long as you let him do this, he is not going to treat you any differently..if he is not having an AFfair, he is abusing you...Only you can do something about it...Call the police...it is not to late! do you have any cuts from your fall?

I wish I could help you more..but I cant! Just hang in there and I hoep you can get the coursage to walk away!

Sweetheartt, I wish you could see yourself through our eyes.

You are totally making excuses for him and his ill treatment of you. Whatever you lived with in the past that has made you see this behavior as acceptable, time to move past it...NOW!

My goodness, look at those little boys faces and imagine them as young men who believes to "love" their woman they must beat and control her!! You do not want that for them, do you?!

And give them some credit. If you honestly believe that they are not aware of his treatment of you... you are so deluding yourself!! BTDT, and this is not what you want for those boys!!

I wish I could reach through and (gently) shake you into realizing that this is not what you need, deserve or should accept!! *YOU* are worth so much more than this!

You are a loving Mom, and you need to realize how absolutely horrific it is for your sons to have to live in such conditions!! Get him out or get yourself out, now! You are being emotionally and physically abused. At the very least your sons are suffering from the emotional trauma of the situation, too. They are *NOT* oblivious to the abuse, trust me!

When God gave you those babies, it stopped being about just "you"! You owe it to them to protect them from that man... their father is sick and you are willingly participating in his madness...why?! This makes you as culpable as he is... and I cannot imagine that is really what you want!!

KMEJ... now, today, get help. Get out and get away, if he won't leave then you must (and of course take those boys with you) There are some things in life worse than D and worse than financial difficulties... and you are living it!

{{{{KMEJ}}}}} YOU deserve better than this!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

This is so true about how the boys see things and they WILL start treating you as your H is treating you! BELIEVE ME! My DS9 is already disrespecting me...He is mean to me and hurtful towards me...I have taken him in my arms and told him flat out that HE DOES NOT treat me that way..I am HIS MOTHER and he WILL respect me...Regardless of how others treat ME...my BOYS will NOT treat me with disrespect!

Sweetie, you do not have to file for a divorce...but I think as well al do, you need to remove yourself from the situation...I know it is easier said that DONE...I've been there...but your H is abusing you and you are letting him do it...maybe you do not see it as that...but even if he hadn't "shoved" you, the way he treated you last night, speaks volumes about is LACK Of respect for you!

some days I think I do not want a divorce- others I wonder why I ever let him back into my life. He is home again and acting as if nothing happened at all today, that everything is fine. I told him everything is not fine. Then he sat down and watched my BIL and SIL video and thought oh great- and started to cry again because I see so much love and happiness.
I just looked outside, my in-laws are here, just what I need today. I will check in later.

K, why do you stay with this cheating abuser? Why do you have sex with him? Do you stay because of financial reasons?

Why did you date this abusive man?

Why did you ever marry him?

Why did you have several children with him?

Why do you continue to stay with him?

Why would you subject yourself and your kids to that abuser?

Stella, He may not have been this way when they were dating...and well, why did she have kids? Umm, well why did any of us have kids? It really is easier said than DO IT...we can all tell her to leave today, but we all know that is a hard thing to do...She loves the guy...why do ANY OF US stay in an abusive relationship? Why do any of us WANT tosave our marriages to a cheating spouse? BEcause we love them....Her kids love him..he is their father, regardless of what ever happens to THEM! Obviously he does have some good qualities, or she would not have married him...

KMEJ, only YOU know when and what to do and when the time is right, you will know it...It's hard to see from the ouside in when you living it..believe me I KNOW!

Hi KMEJ,

I have only skimmed through some of the posts. There is a very good chance that what I am about to say will be disagreed with and/or misinterpreted by most people. However, I think you're going to know EXACTLY what I'm talking about and why I have different suggestions for you than I have read so far.

First, in one day we don't go from keeping silent to throwing him out. For us, that is not realistic and if we are only given those two options we tend to go back to being silent. Please don't go silent KMEJ--there are things you CAN do now.

You can start "quietly" making reports of these incidents. If you can't go to the police station that same night, go the next day. This avoids the drama of your h trying to prevent you from reporting it by fighting you for the phone, by blocking the door, etc. If he stays home from work the next day so that you can't go report the incident, then report it the next day. If he won't go to sleep to make sure you're not leaving to report the incident then just wait until he does--even if it takes a couple days he will eventually sleep.

Always make sure that the reasons you waited to file the report are clearly spelled out in the report including anything you h did to prevent you from filing one. Also, make sure you tell the officer that you are not ready to press charges yet or have him removed from the home and that your first step is to start making reports instead of staying silent.

After you have reported this incident, tell h that you will be reporting every incident from this point on. If he doesn't ask if you reported last night's incident, don't volunteer the information. If he does ask, be truthful.

Be prepared to say what you mean and to mean what you say. Don't tell him that you will have him arrested if you are not positive that you will. You can tell him that all you know right now is that you will file a report on every incident, anything else you haven't decided yet.

It is important to say these things in a calm, matter of fact voice. No arguing, no justifying, no nothing--just a calm, matter of fact voice. Be prepared to be a broken record with it. Practice the sentence until you have it memorized and can say it in that calm, matter of fact voice.

Be prepared for you h to react strongly--he will recognize that he's losing control over you. The more strongly he reacts, the more calm and matter of fact you need to be.

The first steps are the hardest but you would be surprised at how much even the smallest step has a positive effect for you.

Your in-laws are there.....sounds like a good opportunity for you to go "run an errand" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Take care KMEJ

I agree... I try not to be anywhere my ILs are lately!! Hell, they made FWH what he is today! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

I think LB has posted a very insightful and loving post. One way or another, you know what is happening here is not ok.

I just fear for you and those boys... desperation makes many rational persons do dumb things... and I think your H already has a foot in the nutty range! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Do you have a bcak-up plan? Family in the area? Have you ever reported his abuse in the past?

Time to start lining up your ducks....