Things the last couple of days have not changed much. I am getting rather frustrated <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> to say the least. Today H and I decided we needed to go out just the two of us and talk. He has the day off. I send him several e-mails to inquire as to what we should do (dinner and mini golf- or somewhere else, public) he never responds. I get home from work and he asks if I got anything done at work today... or if I spent my whole day e-mailing people.... Then we start talking about the house he put an offer on (he is buying it and renting it out) and the fact that since he put my name on the loan as well that I would like to see the property in person and not just the pictures (nice house). He told me no. Come to find out that his good guy friend has started dating someone and H feels he is "losing him" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I told him if he was not careful he will lose his wife too. I then looked straight in his eyes and told him that I was very frustrated with the way things were and where they were heading and unless he did a complete 180 in how he is treating me that I had no interested in spending any more of my life with him. He tried to talk around the subject and play it off that it was my doing or my attitude or something entirely to do with me and that he has done nothing and I am the evil one, and instead of argueing with him I just continued to repeat what I told him. So then he asks if we could still go out and talk tonight, and I again repeated myself, and he told me he understood. So we shall see.

Sounds like a good (public) opportunity to inform him that from now on you will file a report for every incident <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> .

Remember, you don't have to make any decisions beyond that right now and you can tell your h that. You're just going to file a report each time, nothing else.

KMEJ, it's not "we'll see what happens" tonight. If you do and say nothing different tonight, you already know what will happen. You could probably write the script for the exact conversation before you two talk. You could probably write the script for exactly how each of you will behave for the next week or two or for however long your "cycle of abuse" takes.

Please consider changing your part in the cycle of abuse. Otherwise, nothing will change. It's doesn't take giant leaps to start changing it, it just takes change. That is in your hands KMEJ.

I'll be thinking of you, be strong and proactive for the sake of your kids, and good luck <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LB-
I understand what you are saying. I plan on discussing that with him tonight. There are lots of things I want to discuss with him. I am not happy, I am lonely, and I need more then I am getting out of this relationship. I realize it will take time, however unless he is willing to put the work in to this marriage that it will take to make us a healthy couple then I am just not sure I am interested in maintaining status quo. I am not a business transaction, nor his maid, not his sex toy, I am his wife, his equal, his partner- his princess, or at least that is what I should be. I do not know if I am running off of adrenaline or what, but I feel so strongly about this. I even told him today that I would be willing to sell this house and split the equity so that we can both move on (that is a big hang up for him, he does not want me getting the house). I told him I want to be happy, I want someone who loves me for me not what I can do for them. That I expect more out of my husband. I want to feel loved.

Last nights conversation went pretty well. We discussed several things that were bothering both of us. I repeated my statement about not wanting to live this way, and that his treatment of me needed to change, or I would have no desire to spend anymore of my life with him. He gave me this sad look, then started telling me (in a nice way) the problems he has with me. Which were supriseingly direct reflections of things that I said to him. (He feels I do not do enough around the house, that I spend too much time with the kids, etc- where I just got done telling him that he needed to help more in those two areas- he did not see how what I wants would lead to him getting what he wants <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) I also explained to him that when he gets frustrated with me that hitting and belittleing and pushing were not okay, and that I would no longer be accepting that behavior that I would be fileing a report. He claimed that he has no control over that, and that he never wants to hurt me, he never means too, he does not know what comes over him. I then said maybe he should seek some anger management help. He said no.

I am not sure if this is just another turn in the cycle, or what.

Hi KMEJ. I've never posted to you before, but I read this part of your post and I felt compelled.


What if the above statement is the absolute gospel truth? What if there's no hidden meaning, or other interpretation? What if you took his words at face-value?

You know, as women, we sometimes have so much trouble understanding from the male POV. At times like those we feel the need to rationalize, justify, or otherwise infer a different meaning. We do soooooo want to believe the best (or in some cases the worst) of our mates, that sometimes we alter the meaning of the words we hear in an effort to understand something that we just dont get.

But what if there's really no more, or no less, to his statement than what he actually said?

It seems to me, that would make him a dangerous man...who is telling you in advance that he is out of control, and unwilling to address it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I mostly lurk here as there are others who are more qualified than I am to offer advice. And yet you seem to ignore the very good advice you are getting. Why is that?

Your WH is a coward who won't face his problems and prefers to beat a woman. You are his enabler. You are allowing an abusive, loathsome individual to control you, to treat you and your children like trash, and to put you and your children in danger.

Why? Is the institution of marriage worth your life? I can't fathom how it could be.

I sincerely wish you health, safety and peace. Please listen to these people. If not for yourself, then for your children.

ITB.

He claimed that he has no control over that, and that he never wants to hurt me, he never means too, he does not know what comes over him...

I have such grave concerns over this answer/thought process that I can not suggest ANYTHING else but that you prepare to seperate from this man and do all that is in your power to obtain and maintain your and your children's safety from him...

and that NO other issues is even worth addressing UNTIL he addresses on his own this issue....

there is not truth that he can not control it...
there is truth that he may not know how but none that he can't learn to..
and his refusal of learning how puts you in great danger....
and until he does right by this by this ONE statement...then you should have NOTHING to with him...

[/b] I then said maybe he should seek some anger management help. He said no.[/b]
and kmej that is the only answer you need to A N Y T H I N G

you remain in my prayers...

ARK^^

Why are you STILL putting up with your H's crap K?

It's been going on for months upon months....and yet you are still going on about how unhappy you are and how unjustly treated you are.

People treat you the way YOU allow them to treat you.

You keep telling us of all the talks that you have with your H....but NOTHING changes. Oh...it may change for a week or two....but it will never permanently change....unless YOU make it change.

It's really hard for some people to post to you anymore. You will acknowledge the advice given....but you rarely ever implement any of that advice.

Why are you still sitting around and waiting for him? Your wasting your time....if he wanted to change...he would have already done it.

When I say this....I don't mean to offend you....but you seem to be in denial of the fact that your H is NOT going to change.

Sometimes we must accept the fact that a certain person just isn't good for us. The man your H is now isn't good for anyone.

Hi KMEJ,

"I also explained to him that when he gets frustrated with me that hitting and belittleing and pushing were not okay, and that I would no longer be accepting that behavior that I would be fileing a report."

YAY!!!! Good job!!

Remember to say what you mean and to mean what you say. Are you going to file a report when he does all three of those things during the same incident? Or are you going to file a report if he does one of those things during an incident? Are you going to file a report when he belittles you? It's not clear to me what you mean. Are you clear with yourself? Were you clear with your h?

Also remember that all it takes is ONE time for you to not follow through with a report for your h to not take ANYTHING that you say seriously. It is your responsibility to show him how much he should believe what you say.

I'll be thinking of you KMEJ. The first report is the hardest one to make but it is the one that starts the change in the cycle of abuse. I know you can do this KMEJ.

"He claimed that he has no control over that, and that he never wants to hurt me, he never means too, he does not know what comes over him."

That is typical for an abuser to say. Make the report(s) any way.

"I then said maybe he should seek some anger management help."

Good suggestion that would give him the tools to learn to control himself!

"He said no."

Typical answer for an abuser. He wants to control you, not himself. If he is held responsible for controlling himself, he loses control over you. It's all about power and control.

"I am not sure if this is just another turn in the cycle, or what."

I'm not sure either because it depends on what YOU do. Don't give him sick control by not filing reports. His control over your filing reports comes with choosing his actions. If he pushes you, the result is that a report is filed. If he doesn't push you, then no report will be filed. It is in his hands. If he crosses the line, he's choosing for a report to be filed. You're just doing the paperwork.

Take care KMEJ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

KMEJ
You commented, "I'm not sure if this is just another turn in the cycle, or what".

YES...THIS IS ANOTHER TURN IN THE CYCLE OF VIOLENCE!!!!

IT IS NOT "OR WHAT"!!!!!!!

This is a direct answer to your question! I am a social worker. I have worked in domestic violence before. I have written on here to you before, as have many others. You keep asking for advice, seeking support. All you have to do is go back and read your messages on here...and the responses.

You don't have to change to please anyone here. You can do or not do things within your own timeframe. You can choose to stay in your current situation. But I encourage you to not be in denial about the CHOICE you are making to be there...and the risk involved for you and your children. Admit that you're willing to tolerate the abuse towards youself. Admit that you're willing for your children to be raised in an abusive environment. Admit that you're willing to say the same things over and over again....and hear your spouse say the same things to you over and over again. Admit that you're willing to assume the risk on behalf of yourself and your children, that your spouse will change.

Your spouse talked about having an anger problem, but told you that he "has no control over it." He refuses counseling. What about your high risk behaviors and choices? Are you suggesting that you can't make changes either? That you aren't willing to get domestic violence counseling to make safer choices for you and your children?

Yes I'm coming down hard...very hard. Sometimes venting is needed. But, sometimes it serves as a way for someone to get short term relief for a long term problem. It's like a pressure cooker about to explode. Let a little of the pressure out now and then....and it doesn't explode. Maybe. But, it also never takes care of the problem causing this pressure.

You're in an abusive "pressure cooker". It's not easy to change our thoughts and behaviors. But if you don't take the first little steps, nothing will ever change. There are suggestions by many people here about possible steps toward change. Please, please pick one and work on it! Don't let your pressure cooker explode!