Life continues in limbo-land. The whole thing has taken the heart out of me. As noted by other posters, I sound/post like a different person when I'm not in contact with WH.

Have I done a good Plan A? Maybe not. It's been difficult since WH doesn't live with us and seldom communicates. I've been fairly good about relationship stuff. I wish I could make my house spotless and organized but that doesn't seem to be happening. My house was pretty clean and organized when WH came to be with the kids for a week. He didn't do any cleaning during that week except start the dishwasher every night. Actually, I don't think anything would make much of a difference. WH has checked out of our lives.

When I go into Plan B, I want it to be a good one. I've talked to a friend about being an intermediary. I've been working on my letter. I've gone back to SAA. I've been reading the Plan B posts. I've seen the terrible time Caren and David have had. I'm looking for advice.

My DS#2 is graduating from high school at the end of May. Naturally, it's a big occasion. My inlaws and WH's brother and wife are coming. I'm planning a family gathering after the ceremony and a big general party the next day. There's going to be a lot of family togetherness. WH will definitely want to get his family fix and horn in on it.

Question: Is this really the time to start Plan B? Am I setting myself up for failure knowing that these events are coming up? Contact will happen at that time. Would it be a punishment to not invite him but for whom? He'd probably show up anyway.

Would it be worthwhile to spend the next 5+ weeks doing a really committed Plan A? I think that if I set myself a concrete limit, I can do a better job at Plan A. Would it be good to honor the occasion and my son by making this a good time for DS. Use the time to welcome WH into the bosum of his family, show him what he's missing.

Then, if there is no change. If Slimeball isn't put aside and there is no progress in our relationship, I initiate Plan B. WH can gofrom nice family experience to zero contact. Any opinions?

Another factor is that WH says that there is a good chance that he will be going back to Singapore on an extended work trip again this summer. He says maybe late June. That's what he said last summer and it slipped into September. It's doubtful Slimeball OW will be on that trip. She's very junior in the company.

I'd like to do this well and would appreciate advice.

Hi Grapegirl,

I'm not sure if I can advise on timing but I wanted to offer you my support and my current experiences with plan B.

5 weeks until the family occassions seems to me to be too long to be where you are now. In Plan B I would think that during the times where there must be family contact that you could be open and civil for those few events then close the door again right after? I would be tempted to start now as you are not feeling any relief when he is in your space!

I am sure some more experienced MB'ers will have advise for you. Take care and call me if you need to talk.

Shelly

Grape:

I don't have much time. Haven't read your post closely.

However, I do know this. You have to be strict during your PLAN B or it's not a PLAN B. I think MM would agree. Read through my saga on CC's thread if you have a chance. I understand that it's 200 pages and I of course can't read it. MM counseled me wonderfully during MY PLAN B to remain dark, dark, dark.

My son was a JUNIOR MARSHAL at his school's graduation and MM counseled me to find a way to hide from WH.

So I would suggest waiting until after the graduation ceremonies so that you can go completely dark. I think this is a perfect time to finish off your PLAN A so that he can miss the family stuff during the PLAN B.

We will support you during the 5 weeks. You will be able to stay busy.

You have to be strict about this. PLAN A or PLAN B-DARK. There's no in between!!

H calling me to walk with him. See what I mean? It was very awful for me too about 3 years ago.

gg,

You do what you think is best.

Tough call I know, but you do it the way you know you will be able to live with it. If you think trying more Plan A now and then Plan B after the graduation weekend is best, then that is probably what you should do.

Hang in there girl.

U go to plan B when u need t/g. Occasions will happen all around and inside of your plan B. That is what happens in life. This board has seen weddings, graduations, birth, death, anniversaries, surgeries, etc. happen while plan B was in action and those BS' and families survived.

Remember plan B is to protect you and your family, NOT to fix the WS. What you can do is complete your exposure so that when those occasions occur you have your support group right with you and they will somewhat understand why you are not giving him the attention he is demanding.

It is sad when a graduation or special event for another family or friend is marred by the WS demanding to be catered to when it s/b the special guest or graduate who s/b the guest of honor. That is what WS have done. Yours could do the same.

With this info, examine yourself and see how much you can endure then determine when YOU need t/g to plan B. Then complete your exposure make a plan (work with Steve if you can), don't worry about the WS not being in communication. You actually don't want t/b communicating with a WS, just with your H. Identify your boundaries and implement them.

Hope this helps.
L.