I have been posting on the Emotional Needs Board and thought maybe I could get some help here. SO I provided a little background info and todays post. Thanks

I need help because I am ready to just give up and give my husband what he apparently wants, even though it makes me sad and lonely. As some of you may know, I have been asking 4-5 questions per week so that H and I can swap answers and get to know one another better.
I asked what five words best describe your spouse and why? One of the answers was "gets her mind on on idea and in my opinion goes a little overboard. For example, these questions without looking into it to see if this is really the right thing to do." I am not sure what to make of his answer, except that it is clear he does not want to answer questions. I asked him what was so overboard about it and he said that we should just talk. Whenever we talk, and I swear this is true, all I get is "I don't know, whatever", or ignored outright. He has admitted that he does anything he can to avoid serious topics. I told him that all I wanted was answers to things I wanted to know, and that I hoped he would ask questions someday too. ALl he said was "Nooooo." I am feeling very hopeless right now.
I wanted to have a good marriage to model for our little girl and because we both deserve it. He is a good, hard-working man. I want him to be happy. I am afraid we'll never have a good marriage. He is apparently ok with no sex, no talking, no planning, no intimacy, no affection. Why are we married?!

ANother question I asked was if anything happened in the past week that was good, his answer was "No". He did however notice improvement from last week in regards to our first discussion.

One other question was "What can your partner do to show you love this coming week." His answer... "??". What am I supposed to do with that?
PLEASE help me see what to do. All I am filled with at the moment is negative reactions and emotions. I need a reasoned and unbiased opinion and advice. Thanks

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Hi Shelly,
I am feeling pretty much the same way you are.
We agreed last Jan 04 to go to MC. That ended after 4 visits. It was left up to my wife to say if she wanted to be married. We have never been back. Just does not want to talk about our relationship.
I found this site, ordered the books and do what I can.
My wife's priorities are #1 kids, #2 work, #3 me.
It sure gets frustrating.
P.S. I have been married 19 years.


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This is exactly what I am afraid I'll become if my husband doesn't help me with this marriage. I am so ready to give up and focus on my daughter and myself. I really am starting to think that is what H wants. I wish he'd just say so if it is. I am getting tired of trying and just getting hurt for my effort. I have no intention of divorcing, unless he wants one. But 19 years from now, when our baby is gone, what are we going to do? Stare at one anther, say Hi with a peck in the morning, goodnight with a peck at night? I am only 30 years old and I see so many lonely years ahead of me.

Have you both taken the emotional needs questionaires? Have you read His Needs/Her Needs? I think you might be going about this the wrong way. See, most men don't like relationship talks and you are pushing him away by trying to force him into relationship talks. That is a huge lovebuster to try and educate him.

It is also important to have realistic expectations about what you can expect from your H. You might not ever have a man who sits around and pontificates about his feelings [most don't/can't] but perhaps if you concentrate on meeting HIS needs, you might get the intimacy and affection that you need.

And let me give you an example. I felt much like you now for a long time with my H. But I found that doing little things for him made him so happy that he is falling all over himself to please me. I just had to find the right button. The first step was to STOP making DEMANDS of him and focusing on making HIM happy. The things that make him the happiest are taking me on motorcycle rides [companionship] and me sleeping with no jammies.[SF] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I have stopped badgering him to talk about his feelings and accept him how he is. The result is that I have a H now who gives me all the affection and admiration I need.

I just read your other posts on the other forum and have to say that Confused_Ex_Husband gave you outstanding advice. No one can do any better than that.

He correctly identified one of your biggest issues when you said:
He is telling you that he does not feel like you are safe to speak openly because it would just "add fuel to the fire." That is what you have to change. Make it a safe environment for him and quit badgering him to talk about his feelings. If you focus more on making him happy and comfortable, he will relax and start to open up SOMEWHAT. And I say somewhat, because he is not and will never be your girlfriend. He will probably never yak it up about his feelings like a soap opera guy does. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thank you for your advice. I have had a hard time getting onto this site, sorry it took so long. With everything that has been posted I have neglected to really state what the problem, in my opinion, is. I could really use someone to talk to about this.
1. My H has never really talked about important things. He tries jokes, making me angry, or ignoring me to avoid serious topics. He told me it makes him uncomfortable. I need him to trust me enough to talk to me. I used to have the time to pry things out of him, wait until he was receptive, but I do not have that luxury any longer. We have a 10 month old and, in order to avoid daycare, work opposite shifts. We NEVER see one another. When we do on the weekends we have our houses and things to take care of. We are next door neighbors and still have two houses.

2. He has told me I have changed since the baby, and that he has not. He is unwilling to accept that he is a part of the problem. Everything is either my fault or I am making a big deal out of nothing. I have told him that hurts me because I feel he doesn't care about how I feel and what I need.

3. I have practically begged him to tell me what he wants and needs from me. I want to be a better wife for him, I know I am not perfect. But I have no idea what he wants and he's not talking. How do I figure out what he needs from me? What if what he needs leaves me feeling alone and hopeless because all he wants is waht we have now? We have had sex about 4 times in the last year. He says he is tired, out of shape, but won't exercise. He works hard, and I believe his job comes first. He is a good man, and I love him. I just wish he would attempt to fulfill my needs, or at least let me fulfill his.
What can I do?
Thanks
Shelly

Shelly,

How about pulling a "180" and letting him come to you. It will take patience and a lot of strength on your part though.

It is true, if what you are doing is not working - do the opposite.

Shelly, the first thing you can do is back off. He has told you he is not interested in talking about serious things. So when you try to force this issue, it only pushes him further away, which defeats your purpose.

You can't change him, but you can give him a safe environment in which to operate where he doesn't feel rejected for who he really is. And I suspect that is how he feels right now, rejected for who he is because you have told him how unhappy he makes you. That is a HUGE lovebuster.

So that is my suggestion as I said above: stop the lovebusters and do your best to focus on making him happy and accepting him how he is. Then he will probably feel safe enough to try and meet your needs. But as it is now, he probably feels badgered and rejected because whatever he tries is going to be similarly rejected.

I don't know what to do to make him happy. I don't have the time to focus 100% on him anymore. I used to make sure I had everything done during the week so that weekends were totally devoted to what he wanted. I miss being able to concentrate on him like that too, but we have a baby now too.

I have backed off this week. I will continue to try and do so. But do I avoid speaking up when he does something to hurt me? Do I try and talk to him at all? I am afraid that I will completely withdraw from him because I am very unhappy and hold little hope of things getting better. A lot of my energy is spent trying to need him and want him around. If I stop trying to make us better, I do not believe he will put forth the effort without something just heartbreaking (seperation) happening. I do not want to do that to my family. How do I keep trying when it hurts so much?

Shelly,

Did you see my post too?

What you are doing is not working, so do the opposite. That is what Mel is saying too.

He doesn't want to talk and worry about the relationship, so listen to him and give him what he wants. Just try it, what do you have to lose at this point?

Just spend your time enjoying your baby and being happy. Draw him in with your happiness and your mystery. Make your home a pleasant, happy one.

This is what most men want.

And this is what a safe home looks like. When he is ready to talk of serious things you will be the first to know.

Just enjoy that baby for now. Be pleasant, upbeat, pleasing to the eye, etc.

Give him what he wants for now and see what happens.

If after a few months, nothing changes then there are other avenues you can take.

Yes, I saw your post, and was trying to basically respond to both. I am new here and not sure how things work! I will try what you both have suggested. I am going to change myself, try to be happier with myself. I adore my little girl, and am looking forward to being with her. I guess if I do things, become happier, ask if he wants to be a part of what my daughter and I are doing, then that's ok? What about the policy of joint agreement? I feel like I am in danger of leading my own life and not trying to gain his enthusiastic agreement. Not that I would get more than a "whatever" out of him anyway! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
I guess my question is: how do I take your suggestions and still apply what I am trying to understand of HN/HN?
Thank you both SO much for your time. I really need help getting a plan in place so I can deal with this.

Shelly, he is not interested in applying HN/HN, and you can't force him. Please back off and instead, try to ATTRACT him into the fold by being pleasant and welcoming. He doesn't want to hear relationship talk or talk of POJA. Focus on being a good mother and trying your best to make him happy. Start a program of attraction, sans the lovebusters, and accept him how he is.

[I guess my question is: how do I take your suggestions and still apply what I am trying to understand of HN/HN?
Thank you both SO much for your time. I really need help getting a plan in place so I can deal with this. [/quote]

Shelly, he is not interested in applying HN/HN, and you can't force him. Please back off and instead, try to ATTRACT him into the fold by being pleasant and welcoming. He doesn't want to hear relationship talk or talk of POJA. Focus on being a good mother and trying your best to make him happy. Start a program of attraction, sans the lovebusters, and accept him how he is. [/quote]

I don't mean that I will talk to him about anything I am reading or trying to do. I will no longer attempt to educate him or share any unhappiness with him. I mean that if I decide to go to visit my Mom, do I involve him in that decision or just tell him I am going and he is welcome to come along? Do I ask him if he minds that I go visit friends or do I tell him I am going and ask if he wants to come along? Do I worry about his enthusiastic agreement to my plans when he does as he pleases without consulting me first?

Shelly, I am confused about why you would ask this question. Wouldn't you simply just ask him if wants to go somewhere?

Ask yourself which one he would prefer. Which one would show the most respect to your husband?

a) do I involve him in that decision or

b)just tell him I am going and he is welcome to come along?

c) Do I ask him if he minds that I go visit friends or

d) do I tell him I am going and ask if he wants to come along?

Which one would he prefer?


But we are not talking about *HIS* behavior here, we are talking about yours. You can't control his behavior but you can control yours. This last comment sounds like resentment designed to get him back. That won't help you. Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Yes, and no. As we literally see one another long enough to exchange vitals about our daughter's schedule, any advance planning is done on our own. It is not an ideal situation, and yes we have phones. But what I do not think I have been able to accurately describe is that even a basic conversation like weekend plans gets the same "I don't know/ whatever/ I don't care" response that more serious topics receive. SO yes I can ask, no it probably won't get me an answer. Therefore no ENTHUSIASTIC agreement. I want to try and live by Dr. Harley's ideas even if I can't discuss them with H. When I say there is no communication, there is absolutely zilch beyond "the baby is ready for a nap and dinner should be ready by 5:00 pm".

Shelly, you can still ask and try to include him without demanding a specific [enthusiastic] response. He is not currently "enthusiastic" about too much in his marriage, it doesn't sound like. But, I suspect that if you back off for a while that his sullen attitude might change.