After 15 years together, I feel doomed. I no longer feel love towards my huband. A few years ago, after catching him Emailing an ex-girlfriend behind my back, I told him I no longer wanted to live the way that we were. I told him that I could not longer take his lying to me. (Long story-may post it later).

Fits and starts, counseling first him on his own, then joint, now me on my own (he has promised to go back but keeps putting off starting), and I am tired. He does not think that his emotional avoidance or protection of himself (via lying) has caused problems in our relationship. He says that the lack of trust is MY issue, and I need to work on how I feel about it. I can look at it and say I cannot trust him if he continues to behave as he has/is. Then I look at my relationship and feel like I have no solid ground to stand on, and no security.

Overall I feel that he needs to show a commitment to himself and to me that he is working on the issues he has that makes it difficult for him to be honest. I think for us to remain togehter, an effort needs to be made into showing me that I would be able to trust him from this point forward. I have offered to him books to read, print outs from the internet, this site and the POJA, anything I can think of to help(when we are arguing and often when we are not), and he will not commit to doing any thing for more than a week at most. Recently, he told me he does not WANT to do anything.

He starts battling with me any time I express a concern. He goes into full blown rage if I try to set a boundary (I have been reading, working on how to set appropriate boundaries, journaling, anything I can to help myself). No matter what I bring up or how I do it, he turns the conversation into what is wrong with me. I told him I dont know what to do, I cant talk to him in any fashion without him attacking me and he said quite glibly "And you continue to want to bring things up?"

Should I just cut my losses before this gets worse? I already find little to talk to him about, and am starting to avoid conversations frequently,just because I know he will attack.

I have asked him for a separation, but I fear he is so passive-agressive he will not leave. Before anyone says why don't I leave - he refuses to let our girls leave - he wants them to stay here in their home, I will not leave withouth them, so the only other logical choice would be for him to go. I am willing to consider going on my own, but will not leave them here with him. I know this would be a huge conflict.

Separation is one tool to shake things up. If he really flies into a rage and threatens, you can look at getting a TRO an dchanging the locks.

Kids make it complicated. Do you have a place to go that's safe? Parents or friends, somebody that can take you and your girls in? Perhaps wait until summer when school is out?

There are lots of things to keep in mind when considering what you're considering.

I always have the crisis hotline number with me in case I need it.

I suppose a separation could shake things up (if he will go). I have asked him in the past and always backed down because I got scared I couldn't afford it or because I was scared that would be the end of our relationship. I no longer feel scared by those things, and think staying with him is more damaging considering the situation as it is. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I am going to post this on one of the more heavily trafficed parts of the board as well. Thanks for the post.

Your situation pretty much mirrors mine just from the opposite sex.

We've been together for 15 years and married for almost 12. We both love each other but as my login states, I was in an emotional coma. Mine too is a long story. My wife brought up the subject of a separation back in February and I can tell you, it shook the hell out of me. I never saw it coming (even though looking back, she had told me she would leave me if I kept ignoring her). We began a slow and painful process of trying to work things out. We've recently been back-sliding a bit.

The main problem I have right now is that I am in the military finishing off a one year deployment. Everything we've been doing to work on our problems have been over the phone or yahoo messenger. This past week has begun to get rough because we both are beginning to have fears about my return. It's going to be like falling in love all over again.

Long story short, you need to try to do what is best for you and your girls. I'd love nothing more than to keep my kids with me if it didn't work but with me in the military and the current tempo, I'd hardly ever be around anyway. I think my wife would have left me if she didn't have the same fears you have of not knowing if she could make it on her own. I'm terrified that my relationship with my wife will not work. I can tell you that I am 100% committed to making it work, I just hope that she is too. But as she has told me, she is scared also.

Talk to your husband and lay it out. If he refuses to work with you to make your lives happy, maybe it isn't worth staying in it. If he truly loves you, he'll at least consider the possibility that he needs to work on some things too. He may also be thinking, "hey, she can't leave me, I'm all she's got." If that's the case, prove him wrong. Open your own bank account, start taking some classes, look for a job(or a different one), etc. Show him that you've got what it takes to make it on your own. Good luck to the both of you.