[color:"navy"] Dear MB Friends.
When I read this post by Star*fish quite awhile back, I thought it was such a worthwhile message.

I never forgot it and it was over a year ago at Christmastime that she wrote this wonderful message of HOPE.

I was so thankful to find it today through 'search'.
Thanks 'ba109' for helping me figure out how to do it.

Star*fish's message, basically says: Risk being happy without him.

I hope it blesses your heart and life like it did mine and others here at the message board.
Love, Julie[/color]


"I am sending you blessings this time of year and wishing you the happiest of times with your families. Aside from old, bad memories, Christmas is a stressful time of year anyway. It has a tendency to bring out the melancholy in all of us, when we least expect it, and when we least want it. There is a something about milestones and holidays that causes us to assess and examine our place in life, our relationships, and our future. We are at our most critical and sometimes depressed when our expectations are so far from where we believe we should be. It is deflating and emotionally exhausting when we are so taxed anyway to create this perfect fairytale for our wee ones. I would like to share a story with all of you ladies who are feeling sad and losing hope of change.

One of the biggest break throughs in my marriage came from me. It required no input at all from my husband who was not on board with any help for our marriage. It also happened to be just this time of year, two years ago. I'd discovered his second affair (which had actually occurred around my last pregnancy). He does have narcissitic tendencies. He did seem completely unable to change or help build this marriage, and never wanted to talk about it. I thought about divorce every single day. What I did....I didn't do for him. I did it for me. I did it because I was just so unhappy and I felt as though my life was moving past me and it was pointless and unsatifying. I was hungry for happiness.

I decided. That's it....I decided. Decided what you ask? Decided that I was finished being unhappy and that he couldn't prevent me from being happy. I decided I was more powerful than he is because my spirit was so much more alive and my heart was big enough to love him in spite of who he was....even if I that meant walking away. I didn't expect my marriage to survive at that point, but I believed that I could carry on and find happiness even if it didn't. I stopped being afraid of losing him, because to be honest with you, at that point.....he was no prize. I was getting nothing from my relationship with him.....and yet I felt panicky about losing him everyday and unwilling to risk anything because of it....the thought seemed silly to me.

This may sound impossible....but it was almost as though I flipped a switch in my brain....and said "okay, I've had enough, time to get on with it." This is the only life I get. I am unwilling to spend all of it yearning for what I don't have. I am unwilling to waste another minute of it being depressed or paralyzed. And so here is what happened.

I began to play. Just play. I played with my kids. I invited over my friends. I played in the kitchen and made wonderful food. I played outside....took golf lessons and walked up and down the mountains. I decorated my house and made mulled wine. I wrapped beautiful packages and played Christmas music. I adopted a laissez faire attitude that was just infectious and fun. It didn't affect my husband at all who was still withdrawn and who apparently didn't like it much either....at least he pretended not to. He did seem a bit curious though.

I didn't know about MB in those days, or plan A or B....I was just trying to be happy. When I look back now, I realize it was much more like Michelle Weiner Davis's 180 list....because I stopped focussing on relationships, him, and began to show a lack of dependency and more independent spirit. I didn't feel like crying everyday, and I wasn't trying to fix anything.

When the kids and I would be playing monopoly, battle, or watching some funny movie....we'd motion for him to join us...but he never would. He was a father sometimes, but we weren't a family....there was just too much bad blood, memories and old baggage. But I didn't let his withdrawal affect me or my ability to keep my own life fun and exciting.

Finally, shortly before Christmas....on a night where the children and I were laughing...and he was in his "cave"....I decided to talk to him. I don't remember exactly what I said, I do remember he was in bed...and I leaned close to him and looked right in his eyes...and it went something very similar to this:

H, I love you, in fact in the whole of your life you will never have someone love you as I have. You will never meet someone who knows you like I do. You will never meet a woman who has a better blend of intelligence and compassion than I do. You will never be this lucky again. But I don't need for you to love me. I will be happy whether you do or you don't. I will be happy whether we are married or we are not. I refuse to spend one more minute of my life pining away for you or begging you to notice me, or punishing myself for your sins. This is the only life I get, and if you never look my way again, I will still be happy. This is the only life you get too. I, the children, your family....we all love you...and we are going to have fun. We'd like you to join us, but we won't beg you to. So you decide. Jump into your life or don't....but nobody is going to wait for you anymore, because we are going to be busy having a good time.

And then I left him in his cave. He stayed there....but something changed that night in him too. It was an opening of sorts.....a lightening of the heart.....a willingness to participate that bloomed later when I did find MB. Yes....eventually it was necessary for him to get on board with things for real recovery to occur...but it began with me. It began with a willingness on my part to take a risk to be happy without him.

Please feed your spirit this Christmas and remember that this is your life too. I didn't have to go out and find comfort from someone else....what I really needed to do was learn how to comfort myself. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. And it's a place we all must find to face life with strength and spirit. We all long for strong arms around us...but there is more hope even for that, when we lighten the burden of unhappiness on our shoulders. Give your children the greatest present that you have to give....your joy.

Wishing you happiness this Christmas.
Star*fish"

Julie,

I know how hard you worked today to find this. And there are about five ladies on this board I can think of right off the top of my head that so need to read this.

If only they get to this point, then all else will fall into place... regardless.

I remember when I decided to take responsibility for my happiness finally after years of unhappiness and the feeling of defeat. And although there have been a few times when I have forgotten and given that responsibility to someone else, those times no longer last very long.

It's a life changing "lightbulb" moment which you can never undo and digress from permanently.

Thank you Julie!

Julie, Thank you for posting that.
Star has helped me out as we faced the
same situations.
She is wonderful and I hope to be at the
place she is now someday...

[color:"navy"]
Star*fish, I hope it was OK with you that I posted your story.
Do you remember writing it? I think it is outstanding.

Weaver and tlsmi. Thank you for posting and sharing.
And those 'lightbulb moments' are GREAT. When we see there really is a light at the end of the tunnel and we realize it is entirely up to us (our choice) to get through the tunnel, into the light, is a Wonderful Happening.

I've been thinking today that we all remember how we felt when we first typed 'infidelity' into 'search' and landed here at Marriage Builders.

I know I did not know where to go, read some on the Home page, and then noticed the message board. I chose General Questions II because it had the most people posting and I found so much helpful information coming from people that understood.

The reason I chose 'Blessed TIME' for my ID is because I know that time is a blessed healer.

Star*fish, Weaver and tlsmi, could not have gotten to where they are today without TIME passing.

Finding out our mates have been unfaithful, shatters our dreams of our marriage and leaves us broken hearted. Or perhaps you were the unfaithful one and did the hurting and are hurting yourself. All these are sorrows and heartaches that take many months to even begin true healing. (But healing WILL come, just as it does when we lose a loved one through death.)

Any of you that are reading this AND logged on, if Star*fish's message of HOPE inspired you; would you mind replying with a little note for her? That way it will stay on the first page.
Thanks, Julie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


**********************************************************
**********************************************************

[color:"teal"][b]Star*fish's message of 'How to make your OWN SUNSHINE' is too important to be on page 2.

Love, Julie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks. I copied the whole speech into my journal for future reference. It something to take to heart. I wish I had given that talk to my husband a year ago. We were in a place where it could have made a difference to him. Now it makes a difference to me.

Just a drive by posting to say that I took exactly the same decision as Star*fish and for the same reason. I invested huge love in my kids and my own life.

It works for your own health and temperament but also makes you look a REAL catch to a WS too.

I will take this and add it to the 'BS toolkit' bundle because its most important and well described here.

[color:"navy"]Grapegirl, I am glad you read Star*fish's message of HOPE. Hopefully, you will soon get that confidence that YOU CAN MAKE IT, NO MATTER WHAT!

I am anxious for Star to post.

Bob, thanks for your note.
If you get a chance, would you mind posting the link to your
'Toolkit'? That way, if ever in the future, someone is reading Star*fish's message, they would have a link to your encouraging successful journey.

Thanks, Julie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

When you stayed with him and choose to focus on your own happiness was the affair active at the time?

You are an inspiration and strong beyond belief.

Star*fish by way of Blessed Time, MANY thanks.

Every day I find something here at MB to support me and help me. I feel like I'm on the teeter-totter, trying to be happy with or without him and for now, it's mostly without.

I'm going to print a copy of this, fold it up and carry it with me as a protector and reminder that I should just play and never mind the neighbors or the coworkers or especially alien pod-person WSO.

The sun is shining and I'm outside loafing while the dogs are snoozing. There is joy in our garden. I'm going to be HAPPY about it!!! :-)

Sally

Blessed time,
I am no lady, but the message you relayed today resonates loudly in my soul. I am trying so hard to risk being happy on my own, but I have been too scared to let go. This was a wonderful story to read on this beautiful day.

Thank you so much for this. It could not have come at a better time. Bless you.
Shelly

[color:"navy"]Sally, Forged and Shelly, your posts all brought tears to my eyes.
You are all trying so hard to be optomistic and get past the grief.
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.

It is easy to say the little slogans like: "Make your own sunshine" but to actually smile and have a sunshiny spirit, when your heart is breaking, well that is a remarkable person.
And that is what you are.

I have so been hoping that Star*fish would see this thread and let us know how she is doing. She wrote that Christmas message of HOPE, in 2003, not this Christmas.

My desire is that hurting MB friends continue reading Star's message as it surely is inspirational and was written from her heart.

Sincerely, Julie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

[color:"midnightblue"]Hello MB friends.
I have heard 'parts' of this poem for years.
Today I found the entire poem.

It is such a worthwhile message that I am going to
post it here. I printed it...I am going to read it every morning.
~And try to apply it and live it.~

I usually copy and paste it to Notepad or Word
and then print it.

Love, Julie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />[/color]

JUST FOR TODAY

Just for today: I will try to live through this day only,
and not tackle all my problems at once.
I can do something for twelve hours that
would appall me if I felt that I had to
keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today: I will be happy. This
seems to be true, what Abraham Lincoln said:
*Most folks are as happy as they make up their
minds to be.*

Just for today: I will adjust myself to what is,
and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will
Take my *luck* as it comes, and fit myself into it

Just for today:I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study.
I will not be a mental loafer.
I will read something that requires effort.
Thought and concentration.

Just for today: I will exercise my [/b]soul[/b]
in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn
and not get found out; if anybody know of it, it
will not count. I will do at least two things I
don't want to do-- just for exercise. I will
not show anyone that my feelings are hurt: they may
be hurt but today I will not show it.

Just for today: I will be agreeable. I will
look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice
low, be courteous and criticize not one bit. I won't find
fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate
anybody else but myself.

Just for today: I will have a program.
I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it.
I will save myself from two pests: Hurry and Indecision's.

Just for today: I will have a quiet half
hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour,
sometime I will try to get a better perspective of
my life.

Just for today: I will be un-afraid.
Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what
is beautiful,and to believe that as I give to the
world, so the world will give back to me.

[color:"navy"]I am moving Star's valuable and inspiring message to page one.

WHERE IS STAR?

Julie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

[color:"navy"]'Star*fish', I see you posted this evening.
I have so wanted you to see this thread and to add your thoughts to it.

I wonder if you even remember writing the inspiring message ???

Write and let us know how things are going in your life.

Sincerely, Julie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Julie,

Forgive me but I didn't see this thread until just now. I have been MIA for several weeks....life has been interferring with my posting time lately. I am so glad that these old words have found new life and can be of some help to folks struggling today. I know for me....they describe an "empowering" moment in my life where some of the loss of control and self that occurs after infidelity was recaptured. The impact of that action...deciding to risk happiness...is still sending ripples through my life and my future. There is great power in knowing that you can love yourself whether your spouse does or not. There is great power in knowing that God gave me the right to choose...and way back then...as well as now...I choose happiness.

We deserve to grieve great losses. We need to grieve and it's both healthy and normal. However, ending grief is the next vital step towards growth and happiness. Let's face it....depression, tears, clinginess, fear....are not very attractive...even to ourselves. How many of us have let our spouses turn us into a sniveling wreck we don't even recognize for THEIR sins??? Where is the justice in that? Choosing happiness is like throwing a stone into a pond...the concentric ripples race outward changing the reality around us. It is contagious and very powerful.

So here is an update on my life and my marriage: Shortly after that Christmas...in February...I did EXACTLY what someone described earlier....I put "infidelity" into a search engine and found MB. I began to put into practice the skills I learned here....time, protection, care and honesty. I stopped love busting and met needs that I was comfortable with. After two weeks my H asked "what are you doing star?" I told him about MB and printed out some stuff for him. He suggested that we go to one of the seminars...and we did. That was the beginning of 2003...and it was later that year that I wrote the post you resurrected. That was a very tough year...but as we muddled through recovery and began to put the strategies in place that have shaped our current marriage....15 hours a week, POJA/negotiation etc....the change has been pretty dramatic.

As I mentioned in another thread....my H had worked for the same company for 20 years...and his job, as well as the environment it created was toxic for this family. We began to plan a different future and it has materialized. He now works for a company that supports families. We no longer have to move to unstable foreign countries and uproot our children over and over. We just recently purchased 4 acres of the most beautiful land right on a river....and I designed a house that reflects our lifestyle...it is being framed this week.

Being on MB has also changed the direction of my life. I'm an artist...I always will be...but I am pursuing a new career as marriage coach. I should complete my certification this summer. I'm planning on starting a Masters program next spring or summer to get my MSW and further my education so that I can continue to grow and help others.

My life is complicated like everyone's and right now I have many challenges....but one of them is NOT my marriage. I have a strong marriage that is helping support me through the normal difficulties of raising children, facing illness, loss, and worry. It is a great comfort to trust God, myself, as well as to regain trust in my partner.

There is life after infidelity....and believe it or not....we are not powerless or at the mercy of others IF we choose our own path. Many of us are driving through life in speeding car....sitting backwards and watching where we've been and seeing the future only as it streams past us peripherally. Turn around....grap the steering wheel....decide where this journey is going to take you. The destination is not the only important thing you need to find....the journey there is just as important.

Hugs to all of you!!

Wow...that is wonderful, STAR...

Thank you so much for sharing that with us, what an encouragement.

Georgia

[color:"navy"]Hi Star.
I agree with Georgia, what a wonderful updated message you have just written.

Your words give so much encouragement to others, that are in that: constant crying, I can never be happy again, life is awful, mode.

Thanks so much
Julie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Please keep posting on this thread, to keep your words of HOPE continuing on to hurting souls. There are lots of hurting people, right here on this Marriage Building message board, that think that they will always feel this miserable.

They won't! There really is a light at the end of this tunnel of despair! To get to the light, it basically just takes TIME & HOPE

[color:"navy"]Bumping up, in case anyone missed Star*fish's thoughtful reply.

Love, Julie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />