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After 15 years together, I feel doomed. I no longer feel love towards my huband. A few years ago, after catching him Emailing an ex-girlfriend behind my back, I told him I no longer wanted to live the way that we were. I told him that I could not longer take his lying to me. (Long story-may post it later).

Fits and starts, counseling first him on his own, then joint, now me on my own (he has promised to go back but keeps putting off starting), and I am tired. He does not think that his emotional avoidance or protection of himself (via lying) has caused problems in our relationship. He says that the lack of trust is MY issue, and I need to work on how I feel about it. I can look at it and say I cannot trust him if he continues to behave as he has/is. Then I look at my relationship and feel like I have no solid ground to stand on, and no security.

Overall I feel that he needs to show a commitment to himself and to me that he is working on the issues he has that makes it difficult for him to be honest. I think for us to remain togehter, an effort needs to be made into showing me that I would be able to trust him from this point forward. I have offered to him books to read, print outs from the internet, this site and the POJA, anything I can think of to help(when we are arguing and often when we are not), and he will not commit to doing any thing for more than a week at most. Recently, he told me he does not WANT to do anything.

He starts battling with me any time I express a concern. He goes into full blown rage if I try to set a boundary (I have been reading, working on how to set appropriate boundaries, journaling, anything I can to help myself). No matter what I bring up or how I do it, he turns the conversation into what is wrong with me. I told him I dont know what to do, I cant talk to him in any fashion without him attacking me and he said quite glibly "And you continue to want to bring things up?"

Should I just cut my losses before this gets worse? I already find little to talk to him about, and am starting to avoid conversations frequently,just because I know he will attack.

I have asked him for a separation, but I fear he is so passive-agressive he will not leave. Before anyone says why don't I leave - he refuses to let our girls leave - he wants them to stay here in their home, I will not leave withouth them, so the only other logical choice would be for him to go. I am willing to consider going on my own, but will not leave them here with him. I know this would be a huge conflict.

Thanks so much for sharing. I can certainly relate! I have been married for 10 years to an alcoholic. It's like being married to two different people. He is passive/ agressive, also. I am very out spoken and can obsess like the best of them. Good times! Just kidding <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I have learned through my 12-step program that I can NOT control what others do or don't do. All I can do is focus on ME. If I don't take care of myself, who will? And if I'm not well (mentally, physically, whatever) then how can I care for my kids?

I was at the same place that you are (or were). I asked for a separation. He refused to leave the house and I'm NOT leaving without my kids...period! Do NOT throw yourself into another "troubled" situation. Remember, you can decide to NOT decide on all the things to change all at once. That's too monumental.

In reference to your husband attacking you (verbally, I presume), just remember this....Hurt people hurt people. This is a typical defense mechanism. Does that make it okay....absolutely NOT. You have to set boundaries to protect yourself (mentally, physically, financially, etc). I know that my life was unmanageable (and still is at times) whether I choose to stay in this marriage or not. For today, I am choosing to work on what I CAN control (i.e. what comes out of my mouth, how I behave, how I react/respond).

Not advice, just my input....the best thing to do is do nothing. No matter what efforts you make "for" him will be futile...trust me, I've tried them all! Take care of YOU...try to meet your own needs (man, I hated hearing people tell me that!), whatever is going to happen will happen whether you worry and/or obsess, manipulate, etc. or not.

Just know, you are NOT alone. Take care!

Oh jlgerhard - you poor thing. I know I dont live with an alcoholic, so I dont have an actual frame of reference. My husbands dad is an alcoholic, and my hubby "acts" just like his dad. So while he dosen't drink, he acts just like someone who does. So I have the barest idea of what you are going through. I just wanted to say I wish you the best, and god bless.

In counseling, I have been trying to focus on me, there is nothign I can do with or about him, and I while I know this, sometimes it is hard.

"Hurt people hurt people" - I will try to remind myself of this frequently.

I know there isnt much advice to give, and that it is his choice to grow up and work on what he need to work on. He either will or he wont. Nothing to do but hope for the best and plan for the worst I suppose.

Thanks for the kind words. Best wishes.

Thanks for your reply. You know, I used to think "poor me" but, not anymore. If it weren't for my husband (an alcoholic), I would have never found my way into the rooms of Alanon (for friends and family of alcoholics). It's been my saving grace. While I do not have the same "ism" as my husband, I certainly have quite a few other "isms" all my own. Oh goodie!

What has worked for me (and my husband), may not work for you, but based on my experiences, your husband IS an adult child of an alcoholic, and trust me, there are alot of effects from this disease just from him having lived it (before, now, whenever). You mentioned that your husband behaves just like his father (an alcoholic). You both would benefit from this fellowship (don't know if you are familiar with 12-step programs..it's spiritually based but NOT religious). It's helped me to be more centered and clear-headed. Now, I can see what is my crap and what is NOT.

I wish you the best and am here if you need to share. Take care! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I don't understand - why a separation? Why not file for a divorce, and go for possession of the house and custody of your girls? Have you seen a lawyer?