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Last edited by 2YearsTooLate; 04/20/05 03:07 AM.
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2YearsTooLate, For what it's worth, I've been where you have been bro. My exWW [first W] was also very attractive and had multiple affairs during the time I was married to her. I have two daughters from her [did the paternity tests and they are mine <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />] and I have physical custody of both. I've since remarried and could not be happier. My present W was once married to a man that could have been my exWW's male counterpart, so both of us have a lot to relate to. If this wasn't painfully sad [especially for the kids], it would almost be comical. The way a WW and her OM act is extremely ludicrous. You are to be commended in keeping some sense of humor in the face of the madness your WW's affair brings to your marriage and family. As a survivor of infidelity, I will tell you that there is life after divorce and many times a much better one than the one left behind. TMCM
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Last edited by 2YearsTooLate; 04/20/05 10:00 PM.
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I feel your pain...that was not a good weekend for me either as I got my anonymous e-mail 10 March and its content confirmed on the 11th.
I don't have much in the realm of advice, but I really have a soft spot for BS's now that I am one.
Having also been a WH in the same boat as your OM, stripping the secrecy "aura" from the A is paramount. Pressure on that deceitful relationship from BOTH sides will also help end it. Sunlight kills fungus.
I would MAKE SURE that OMW does KNOW about the A, unless I missed something in your post. Is OM or WW in the Service? If so, perhaps a "dropped dime" to his/her command would also ratchet up the pressure for him and WW to REALLY go NC. Commanders can issue "No Contact" letters and they have the full force of the UCMJ behind them...I should know...I got one in 1996
It sounds like you are doing great even under the circumstances you are in...you have to SEE yourself happy in the future...no matter WHAT happens.
I am REALLY pulling for you and hope that, you and WW will move forward toward a renewed relationship...
43yr old FWH who has rediscovered morality
Divorced: 03 February 2006
XW: My threads say it all
"Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn't have anything to regret for the rest of their life..."
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I'm confused. I am not sure which direction you want to go. Do you want to make your marriage work and end the affairs once and for all? Or are you content to just sit out the next 13 months, using your WW as entertainment, and then divorce her?
The premise of this site, of course, is to save marriages. And meeting emotional needs is paramount to taking a shambles of a marriage and making it fantastic.
I had a couple of thoughts reading your Woody Allen prose and don't mind if I mention them. I don't know your wife, but I wonder if she thinks you really don't care about your marriage to her? I mean you're pretty vocal here that you're hanging in there for financial reasons. Perhaps she feels you aren't invested in a future together? If so, she has no reason to stop her affairs, even if she doesn't think this one is going anywhere in the long run.
Second, I believe you might be operating from the analytical mind of the engineer to help you cope with these repeated indfidelities, particularly this one in which you are only physically separated from OM by a conrete wall. While taking an objective third-person type view of the situation can be helpful, you must be careful not to remain in this mode too long. You'll never uncover the real problems in your marriage and begin to address them as long as you continue this analytical approach. JMHO.
But then again, I am back to my first thought: do you want to save your marriage?
I love your musings. I'm just trying to get my footing here.
~ Snow
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I would MAKE SURE that OMW does KNOW about the A, unless I missed something in your post. SO OMW is going stateside with the children? She could be going to visit relatives for all you know. YOu might consider a conversation with this lady before she leaves to make sure she has indeed been told the truth. ~ Snow
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Last edited by 2YearsTooLate; 04/19/05 09:22 PM.
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Going through my own emotional trauma, I simply CANNOT imagine HOW any person can be asked to bear the outright disregard that your WW has for you, your children and you marriage. You and you alone can only make that decision.
As a suggestion, is there ANY way you could have WW sent back to the States? It's bad enough that she won't NC, but to openly flaunt her A while living in the same house with you in UNCONSCIONABLE!
Peace and strength to you...
WNB
43yr old FWH who has rediscovered morality
Divorced: 03 February 2006
XW: My threads say it all
"Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn't have anything to regret for the rest of their life..."
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TwoY's,
I don't think you are doing much of a plan A. Part of a good plan A is to disclose the affair. You may have to the OM's W, but the one you need to disclose it to is OM's Commander. It was suggested earlier, but I think you need to treat this in a stronger form. GO TALK TO HIS COMMANDER NOW.
His behavior is a threat to the "good order and efficiency" of the military mission. You surely are messed up and focusing on this stuff rather than your job. He is as well.
Also, you do plan A until it becomes necessary for plan B, and plan A is NO Love busters. Stop them. This has a long way to play out, so don't give up now. Oh! and if you wait and she has been married to you for over 10 years I believe, she gets half of your retirement forever. Something for you to consider. I would suggest you see the Judge Advocate and find out your rights, you limitations, and let them know about OM.
If he is in the military and fooling around with the woman next door, he is too big a fool to be allowed around anything dangerous.
Time to step up, let his commander know.
God Bless,
JL
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2YearsTooLate,
It seems that your efforts to avoid LB and follow DB 180 degree list is yielding some positive results. Remember Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared. If you demonstrate confidence in yourself and show her that you do not fear the ending of your marriage, you just might be able to make her think twice about her decision to continue with the OM.
Even though the main objective of Plan A/Plan B is to end the affair, it has a beneficial effect in the case where a marriage does not survive it. The BS's love for the WS dies and he/she is able to move on with his/her life without any second thoughts or regrets. If you keep this in mind, and emotionally detach from the woman inhabiting your W's body, you will emerge victorious from this ordeal, no matter the outcome of your marriage.
TMCM
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2yl
just a bit of advice here, do not believe anything you hear only what you see your wife do. Of course the info that has come from the OMW etc is probably true. However respectful scepticism is probably wise.
One thing that you may need to watch is the danger of your kids getting entangled in this confusion..... they seem very much in the middle due to your WW bringing this A into the home.......... it may be better they stay and she goes even if only for a while ...
lastly dont push for anything right now, dont seem needy, if she hints at not Dv or working things out appear slightly interested and drop a few things for her to consider...like "Mmmmmm well maybe,,, perhaps MC " etc... not negative things or love busters ..... but dont push it will drive her away right now.
all the best
Life may feel as if you are constantly getting kicked on a daily basis, living is about picking yourself up each day and going on and on and on regardless.
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It sounds like she's breaking through a little of the fog. She'll probably go into withdrawal, so be careful - she'll get even stranger... But it sounds like she's coming around if suddenly your M doesn't seem so bad. It's a completely different tune from the one a few days ago.
Cat
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