It's a beautiful time here in Iowa... The crabapple trees are all in bloom. Flowers are adding color to our landscape and the grass is turning green. In fact, I even drug the 'ol lawnmower out and mowed part of my lawn for the first time this weekend, and then planted a new shrub for good measure.

So why is it then, that I feel so darned sad and hopeless about things? No, I'm not stuck in a rocker staring at the walls and crying like I was a year or so ago. I'm doing well at work--interacting with coworkers and being very productive at my new job.

But then I come home. It's not that I lack things to keep me busy. Quite the opposite--I can't seem to get it all done which is frustrating. But still, even being busy, I find way too much time to dwell on things.

Last fall, when I filed for DV, I did so with dreams of a future. But somewhere between there and now, the dreams have gone "poof". I look at me in the mirror and despite the crunches and stuff I'm trying to do, all I see is a shapeless nearly-40 woman with cellulite creeping ever closer to her knees. (How is it that a person can be UNDERweight and yet have that darned stuff!) I look at my life and I still see disorganization--the same things that made my XH angry. (I am convinced that I share several of my daughter's ADHD tendencies!)

Laundry is never all done. The house is never clean all at once. I don't even remember how to cook a meal for more than one anymore. My teen daughter, while doing much better with her overall behavior, still does nothing to keep up the house. I realize through the last few Sundays, as the sermons have been on parenting, that I basically sucked at it. In trying to love my children and provide peace and stability for them in a chaotic household, I really failed to show them real love by being firm with my discipline and follow-thru. (I will be accountable before God for that--a scary realization).

I am becoming a hermit for all intents and purposes. I really don't care to talk to people outside of work because I find I don't really have things to talk to them about. Sort of hard to talk spouses and family when my spouse is gone, one kid is in college, and the other is off having a social life of her own and I rarely see her except later at night. Hard to talk work with my neighbor women because the ones in my Bunco league are all teachers or stay-at-home moms with toddlers. I am an accounting manager. Sometimes people ask about my job, but you can tell that we don't really understand each other. I don't get teaching any more than they get managing the accounting function. (And no, I won't join some accounting organization, because I only have an AA degree, I don't have my CPA and I work in a specialized industry.)

Hard to talk to the few women in church that I get a chance to visit with after the service because they too, for the most part, are stay-at-home or part-time workers. And in my church, divorce is virtually non-existant as are children who attend alternative high schools, so I feel even less understood.

And I don't evel feel I have much to offer others on here anymore, so I don't post much...because if I'm stuck in my rut, I'm not going to do much toward getting someone else out of theirs.

Conversation, which used to flow easily, is becoming a lot of hard work. I find it easier to just go home and not talk to anyone. And the more I do it, the more of a habit it becomes. Now, I really don't care to be involved in anything. (For the record, I did call two large churches in my area who both offer DivorceCare, but they're both in the middle of their sessions. They said I could come, but I'd rather start in the beginning. That won't be until September.)

I recognize that it's unhealthy to be this way. (And before anyone asks, yes I am on A/D's. I don't really feel depressed, per se. I just feel like a 5th wheel--like I don't fit in anywhere.) I don't know how to fix it. I've pretty much convinced myself that I have nothing to offer anyone. I don't want people being around me because they feel it's the "right thing to do". I hate pity, and I guess that's what I feel like people are giving me right now. I'm not sure what I want, but it's not pity!

And then lately it's been a lot worse because I'm dwelling on my XH again. I wish I was like many of you who feel nothing but anger or indifference. I still feel like I'm married. I just get to the place where I think I might dabble on an internet dating site (it's the only way I have any hope at all of dating), I get this panic sick feeling that I'm being unfaithful to him.

He and OW travel overseas to Paris in November--he proposes to her at EuroDisney. That outdoes all our trips to DisneyWorld and other places in the US.

They got a Great Dane puppy last month. That's really hard, because that was our "special thing"--to get a puppy together. Her name is Bailey and I have her. Now she's been replaced in his eyes by "Harley". (DD says it's a really cute dog. I hope he leaves great big poop all over their apartment!)

And of course our kids seem to have been replaced by OW's todder.

Now they're looking at houses--in my general area no less. Again--househunting was our thing. Now his memories of our houses, especially this last one that we built together, will be replaced. And my son said the last envelope he got from them had a new return address label: "XH & OW samelastname". I'm pretty sure they're not married yet--I don't even think her DV is final. So why is she using his last name? Did they just get the labels early? Are they doing the common law thing? Or did OW just feel like ordering them and pretending?

It's all really getting to me. Even though I know logically it was the best thing to do given his alcohol/drug and other issues, I still regret being the one to file for DV. I regret him finding out things he found out about me after I filed. I feel like it's all my fault. I screwed up parenting. I screwed up at being a wife. And then I screwed up and DV him instead of at least waiting the 2 years from the beginning of the affair before I did, to see if it would burn out.

I can't dream of the future. On the surface I seem okay, but underneath I really long to share my future with someone who loves me. (Of course I still wish it were him.) There are far more single women my age than single men. I have nothing to set myself above the others. I can't reminisce of the past because it still makes me cry if I think of things we did together. So I'm sort of just stuck in the day-to-day.

I'm sure God has a plan for me. My fear is that I'm so stuck on feeling sorry for myself and being convinced that I am nobody that I'm not working with him on it.

I'm very frustrated. Can you tell?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I'm trying to live by the verse in my sig line, but I'm struggling right now.

Lady,

I don't have the answer to all your questions and Iowa is too far from here to give you a great big bear hug so here {{{{{{{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I can suggest a couple things I did that made me feel better, I've told other people here and my friends around here going through this crud the same thing....

It's nothing big at first....
Really doesn't seem like it would change your attitude but you'll be surprised by the cumulative effect of your actions...

Here it is...

First you have to think of something you couldn't or wouldn't do because of your spouse while you were married and DO IT.I don't care what it was you couldn't or wouldn't do, how small a thing it is or how big a thing it is...just DO IT.You may find it wasn't all that great to begin with or you may love doing it? Then, pick something else from the same category and do that too. Very liberating!

Second, You change your routine. Drive home straight after work? Instead Stop for Ice Cream or stop at a park and walk for 20 minutes...or...stop for icecream and take it to the park and walk and eat see, no guilt...lol). Join a womans evening bowling league...it doesn't matter whether you can bowl or not...you'll learn but it will get you out of the house and mingling with others, light fun and no real time for deep conversation because of the activity. It doesn't sound like you need deep conversation anyway right now, it sounds like you need some interaction and slowly re-introducing yourself to the world as the single LordsLady.

We aren't all the same but on some levels we are and this has worked for me and my friends. These 2 things will start generating good feelings in you and some simple side effects are...more energy (you'd be surprised how much energy we have both wasted dwelling on things) higher motivation because your brain isn't dragging you down, getting a good nights sleep (because you are filling the void with activities and projects).

In a few months time (yes it takes time) you will wonder how you felt the way you do now, if you think of it at all then.

Hang in their Lady....negativity, listlessness, and dwelling on the past will soon be a thing of the past.

Your Friend
RebornMan

PS- One more thing Lady....This can be the greatest time of your life right now if you set your mind to it. Let me show you my secret list of why (shhhh, keep it close to the vest or this could be an epidemic of happy)

You can now do...
1. Anything you want to without interference
2. Anything you want, when you want
3. Anything you want, how you want
4. Anything you want, the way you want

It takes a while to sink in but that is a very powerful list...Now is the time to find the REAL LordsLady OK?

Free to choose
Free to do
Free to be you

Unshackle and get on with the best part of your life

((((LordsLady))))

Believe it or not, you’ve been missed and I’m glad to see you back. Have you ever read the book Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis? Not only is it a good book but I think it also strikes at the heart of what you have been going through and what I went through shortly after my divorce.

The book is written as a bunch of letters from basically one of Satan’s “managers” to a new “recruiter” on how to steal the hearts of Christians. I’m not a big reader but really enjoyed that book and it’s played through in my mind ever since I read it. In my life, I believe that I got stuck trying to listen to that recruiter while at the same time trying to follow the Lord. On many days, the recruiter held more power over me than God or myself and I was led into a life of misery. I looked in the mirror and only saw a shell of human being, not worthy of love from God, myself, or others. Satan was smiling on his victory in my life. Eventually, I hit an emotional bottom where I had to make a choice whether to proceed into the depths of the darkness or step out into the light.

To have remained where I was would have been easy and painless for me. Or at least I would have perceived it as painless because by this time my ability to feel had vanished from my life and all I could do was exist. I walked in the shadows much like what you are doing. Well, as you and many others know, I chose to step out into the light. I did things that were uncomfortable at first but became habits with a little time. Slowly the reflection in the mirror began to take shape until one day I saw a loveable man of God staring at me. I came to realize that I was worthy of all those great things that God hopes for us. Life began to change the day that I got out of His way.

All that being said, I really don’t have any advice for you that hasn’t already been offered. No one will be able to see your beautiful heart until you show it to yourself.

Hugz, Thoughts, & Prayerz

Lordslady - I know how you feel and so much of what you said I can relate to - but like Losthusband said you have to choose to bring yourself out of the darkness... I for example - I work fulltime am raising my 12 and 15 year old daughters all by myself pretty much - their dad maybe calls once a week or sees them for a couple of hours every two weeks or so if that...I deal with all issues pertaining to them... I have absolutely no life - I am the 3rd, 5th and 7th wheel "ALL OF THE TIME" and you know what that is ok.... I have actually got sick of always being the odd person out so I have cut back on going out but I have got a parttime job to help financially - and though now I am exhausted - I am out in the public - with new and different people even though half of them could be my children - that is ok - I just turned 40 - I have weight to loose - my exhusband had an affair and is continuing seeing my next door neighbor and he goes over there - actually his car is being used by her for forty five days while he has lost his license for drunk driving .... He came to my house the other day with a friend to pick up my daughter - took his friend on a tour of the house - my house - showed him everything that he did when he lived there and told him how I have ruined the lawn - now I could get upset over this - or just let it go - I have chosen to let it go.... Life for me is not wonderful at all - But I am not allowing myself to be self absorbed in misery then he will win.... I haven't figured out how to have a sucessful single life - heck I haven't even figured out how to date... But I do know that I am more deserving than what was done to me... Though sometimes I miss him - or actually the life that we had or the life that I thought we had - it is all becoming a distant memory... Sad but true.... So now I have to find my own way in the world.... What it is I don't know - but feeling sorry for myself does not help... You need to get out there - who cares if everyone has little kids - don't try to compare yourself to them - just join in.... Not everyone that is friends is exactly alike.... Give yourself some credit and like yourself then people will like you also.... Lighten up...

{{{{LL}}}}} Good to see you back. I just posted a long reply to you, but was logged out <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> and had forgotten to copy it first. What can I say, I'm using internet explorer and that's what happens...

Anyway, I'm too busy working to rewrite it now. Suffice to say, I relate to both you and MAW and agree with the advice you've already received.

Keep posting, keep reaching out. It WILL get better. God does have a plan for you. Remember, the life of the WS and OP is NOT an idyllic one, however it may look from our perspective. If it's not already apparent, it will be soon enough. They will have regrets, if they don't already. I know this doesn't change anything, but it helps to keep things in perspective.

Okay, somebody kick me...I really do wish I were back with my XH.

Been busy this week in training back with the people I used to work with (they're training me on something instead of me doing the training of others like I used to when I worked for them--sort of weird but going well). One of my ex-coworkers and I were visiting today and he complimented me on the fact that I looked good and sounded more upbeat than I did when I left there 2 months ago. I really am excited about this new position that I have--I guess it's coming through in my work attitude.

So I was feeling pretty good as I left my old office after training this evening. My XH, a mechanic, has my son's car right now because it's needing serious work before he gets off college, but I had something he needed for it.

So, since I was in the area, I stopped at his shop and dropped off the parts. We must have visited 10 minutes or so. He's so different when he's not around HER. Still lets the "f" word fly 10 times per sentence, but he's much friendlier and calm.

It was like talking to him on any average day when we were still married. But we're not married. And being stupid, I can't help but ask him things like, "So, are you guys married yet? Why is she using your last name on her mailing labels now? What's up with the house hunting?"

And then I said, "I know you're not coming back, but I do pray for you. I worry about your eternity."

(Side note: that's the first time I've been able to express my concerns to him like that and not end with tears running down my face. I kept it together--my voice didn't even crack. But I sure felt it all inside.)

He responded like he used to before we DV, saying, "I need the prayers.. And you never know what will happen in the future."

What the heck does that mean. Never mind...rhetorical. I know what it means. It means, "You are making me uncomfortable and I'm not strong enough to tell you to your face that I'm not coming back, so I'll say something that sounds hopeful and gets me off the hook."

I really do still feel married to him. How the heck can I ever let go and start dating or something when each time I think about that, I feel like I'm being unfaithful?

I don't think I can ever pursue another relationship as long as he's not married to her, because I keep thinking "God works on his own timeframe, and what if I move on, and God wanted me to wait for him to change my XH, which could take many years? What if I lost a huge blessing that was in store for both our futures by being impatient?"

But what if XH and OW are content to just live together forever, with her remaining married to someone else but living with my XH and being engaged to him. (I really wonder sometimes if my X proposed to her over in France just to get her off his back, with no intentions of making things permanent at this point.)

I'm just so darned confused!! I DV him and in a way I STILL feel like my life is on hold, because I'm waiting for him to make a move one way or the other.

UrgHH! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

LL, I really know how you feel. My WH left over 4 years ago to move in with MOW and they're still together. His life is filled with drama and pain from what little I hear. Like you, I was the one to file for divorce, though we're not divorced yet. And like you, moving on emotionally has been hard, even though I've had a RO against him and been in NC for almost 3 years now.

Looking back though, I know it's easier today than last year, or the year before, or the year before that... You, too, sound better - even your coworkers are noticing it. We need to feel grateful for that. Making an effort to stay focused on the present helps. For me, dwelling on the the "what if's" and "if only's" is an obsession that accomplishes nothing except to put me in a funk.

The only place we can change anything is in the present and the only person we can change is ourself. As your XH said, who knows what the future will bring? BTW, I chuckled when you described your XH's language since my WH also uses the F word at least once per sentence. Don't you sometimes feel a little bit crazy carrying a torch for such a crazy, dysfunctional guy? I know I do...

At this point, I've moved on, but I still grieve for the relationship I thought I had and the family I lost.

Please stop focusing on him...this is about you now.

YOU!

You know this isn't healthy and it is making you nuts.

If you feel like you need to sacrifice the next 2, 3, 4, 5, 10 years of your life waiting for him to come back, go ahead and do it.

I know you won't however, this is just another phase of the divorce and separation period.

The less contact you have with him the better you'll feel, trust me on that. I've talked to my XW maybe 3 times since the new year and I really couldn't care less if she fell off the face of the earth anymore.

Remember one thing LL, would you have someone that acts like your EX as a friend? Think about it...I know I wouldn't and it's hard to think that way with somebody we once loved with all our heart and soul but you have too.

Your Friend
RebornMan

I agree with RebornMan - and would add that it is NOT for you to decide what God had in mind. You do not need to second guess this and live your life according to your guess. You need to live your life the way it unfolds - and whatever will be, will be.

LL - you are OFF THE HOOK. This analysis is NOT yours to worry about. It belongs to God. It is up to Him to pull the chains to make His plans work, NOT up to you.

Live your life, my friend. As of now that life is not with him but it's the life you've got. If you can't have the life you want, try to want the life you have.

(P.S. I might be in the same spot you are in, except I'm in avoidance mode instead. You might be the better off of the two of us, in the long run!)

Lordslady... You have got to get yourself out of this - you are worth more than trying to hold onto something that is gone... Remember that saying If you love something set it free - if it comes back to you it is yours if it doesn't than it was never meant to be.... You are denying yourself a life - because you are holding onto the past... OK so lets look at this - he is living with someone else - You are divorced - who cares if he is married or not - or if she uses his name - Whatever.... And I totally understand about what you mean when you say that you feel married - I can so relate.. But you know what - I am have just been doing things lately - putting one foot in front of the other - even though I have reservations or if I am afraid I am just doing it... Because I know it is time - I divorced in September 2002 - I haven't even gone on a date - this weekend - I am probably going to go on a date with a man that I have just met - am I afraid - do I somewhere think that I cheating on my ex yes - but you know what I am not - he has been with his ow - during our marriage and still - I mean I am not breaking any rules dating - am I ready for it - I am not sure - but you know what I might never know unless I just do it......... Your marriage is over right now - Who knows what the future brings - but I don't know about you - but I want to be one of those people that wakes up someday and realizes you know what I am absolutely totally happy with my new life - and I owe it all to my exhusband for the hell he put me through.......... You deserve to have a life - Do not pine over someone that is with someone else....... Let it all go - even if it doesnt' feel right - Move on....... Enjoy life as hard as it seems - Go for it....

LL,
You feel like your life is on hold until you can get over your feeling that you are still married to your XH. I’d like to suggest a plan of action to help you take your life OFF hold (is that even an expression) and live your life. It doesn’t involve dating though. It just involves you living your life and no longer putting it on hold.
Plan a trip.
Not to Paris, because that would probably make you think too much about XH and OW. But maybe to Florence or London or Amsterdam or Barcelona or Brussels.
Now, I suspect that right about now, you are mentally compiling your list of all the reasons you can’t take a beautiful trip like this. OK. I will indulge you. In fact, I will ask you to write all these down on paper. Go ahead . . . I’ll wait.

OK. Have you written all your reasons you can’t go down on paper? Good. Now do this.
Write at the top of the page: Issues to take care of so I can go to Florence (or wherever you’re thinking).
Now take another piece of paper. Write at the top of this paper: Getting to Florence: To Do List. And for each reason listed on your first page, write in the action you must take to address that reason so that it’s no longer an obstacle. Many of these reasons will require more than one action. Here are a few examples:

No money.
Action Plan:
1. Locate free resources for financial planning advice to initiate vacation savings plan.
2. Identify and eliminate unnecessary expense.
3. Develop and enforce family budget; hold all family members accountable.

Can’t trust DD to stay home along.
Action Plan:
1. Consult with DD’s therapist to develop long-term plan for DD to be self-supporting adult.
2. Consider having her stay with XH while you’re away.

Don’t want to travel alone
Action Plan:
1. investigate travel options for groups with similar interests that don’t charge a single supplement.
2. Consider friend/family who might want to come along.

Note that the suggested action plans assume long-term planning. I’m not suggesting that you go to Florence next week, or even 6 months from now. But maybe, by setting up a good plan, you can make it to Florence in 18 months (or 24 or 36 – the time frame is up to you).

I don’t know how much all this resonates with you. But please don’t get wrapped up in any of the details of what I laid out. What I’m trying to do is get you to think about Your Plan for Your Future. LL, you’ve got to have a plan. A way for you to focus your attention and energies that carries you FORWARD, so that you’re not simply treading water, or existing in the “rut” you currently perceive.

So, LL. Maybe you don’t want to go to Europe. That’s beside the point. What do you want to do? What is your plan? Would you like our help in formulating a plan?

Hey, I love that suggestion! LL, I might even offer to go with you - we're just "next door" to each other (MN, IA).

That one is good but I heard a different version...it goes something like this,

"If you love something set it free, if it doesn't come back hunt it down, kill it, mount it on the wall and admire your handiwork!"

Or something like that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Ok to funny but I think your reply would send you to jail.... mine is safer.... too funny.....

Bump...

Hey LL, how are you doing today?

Okay...I'm a little late responding to this one. I don't have much of an update--maybe that's good; maybe it's not.

I keep getting up, doing my thing, and going back to bed at night. I'm in the "existing" mode, which all in all could be a lot worse. My DD is struggling with school (well, actually she's not struggling--she's not putting any effort into it at all--so I am the one struggling! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />). But other than that, she's still doing much better than she was even 6 months ago.

Last week I tore out (yes, by myself, with ZERO help) all but one room of carpet on my main level of my house, and removed some vinyl and wood underlayment with a zillion little staples in it in preparation for the carpet and laminate I'm going to order. Hopefully once it's done in a few weeks, I won't find my house so depressing to look at (it's only 7 years old but the floor looked about 20.) On the other hand, that nice little emergency fund I had will be all but gone. That's not so good, because I won't have a chance to save anything else up until my son is out of college in 3 years.

Speaking of the boy, I celebrated his 19th birthday yesterday (actual day is tomorrow but he's back at college now). I baked him a tasty meal and a homemade apple pie, then sucked helium from a balloon I had (not wise, I know--but really funny! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />) and sang Happy Birtday to him. It was a hit!

I spoke to the XH yesterday--that wasn't so much of a hit. He has DS's car and was giving me the lowdown on what it needs mechanically. But then he got off on one of his "secretive" tangents where he says these little cryptic things and I think it's just to get to me. I don't understand why he still seems to want to taunt me and get under my skin, like I'm the one who blew up the marriage. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

He's apparently moving to a new house. He didn't want to give me any info other than he'd shut off his email and all other forms of communication except for his cell phone--the method I'm supposed to use to contact him. I reminded him that he never returns the calls and that per the DV decree, I'm to always have a current address for him. He then 'fessed up' that they were moving to the east side, but that's all I got.

It's just really frustrating to have no way to get ahold of him if I had to, and to have him rarely return calls.

Oh, and then he said, "I don't have to pay the $125/month for DS's college during the summer, do I??"

Obviously he has paid no attention to the decree. First, he is paying far less than I could have had him pay--and FAR LESS than it costs to put a kid in UI with no college savings or scholarships! And now he wants summers off from payment? The decree says he pays monthly--PERIOD. Will he do that? Doubt it.

Just like so many other divorced non-custodial parents, he seems to have basically forgotten his kids and wishes to take little responsibility for any of their wants or needs. He has his new life, his new woman, and his new family (her kids) and the old one has been left in the dust.

Spent a little time scanning the profiles on some of the dating sites over the weekend. What I saw did not thrill me--in fact it scared me! The good guys really are all taken, I think.

(And yes, I know...married almost 20 years...I'm supposed to wait something like 5 years before I even consider dating so I can heal. But darn--5 years of being without male companionship isn't very appealing either. And seeing as I have no intention of being intimate outside marriage, we are probably talking a ridiculous number of years of celibacy here...like perhaps the rest of my life. Bummer of a thought!)

Oh well...one day at a time, I guess...