It has been about a month since my world changed. It looks like we're headed for the big D and I don't mean Duluth.
Here is all the juicy details in typically ramble on disjointed fashion, sorry.... I'd love any advice or words or support or wisdom.
I'm in the military stationed overseas in Asia with my family. I'm the 40YO BS H. We have 2 DS, 9 and 5.
My 38YO WW admitted her EA/PA to me on sunday 3/13/05.
It is with our next door neighbor OM. NEXT DOOR!
Now that I look back I see all her little hints to try and reveal it to me. He is married with 2 DD.
I felt the most bizarre pains in my abdomen and chest. Dropped about 15 pounds in the next week....
(The only good thing to come out of this crap. I feel great now! All my clothes fit or are actually too loose.
Maybe I will write a book, "The Affair Discovery Diet Plan"...)
Did I mention she is drop-dead gorgeous and how shall I say this..a tigress in bed? I think the OM's W is totally oppposite. Boring and plain. Now, the OM is head over heels and anything my wife says or thinks is the most important utterance in history and he worships her and she could be a nuclear physicist if she wanted. She of course sees this as true love and her head is inflated to Hindenberg proportions. (Note for non-history buffs out there, the Hindenburg was a German trans-Atlantic blimp filled with Hydrogen that exploded in Lakehurst, New Jersey in the late 1930's) She said that the A started about 5 months ago. She refuses too many details. Maybe around 11/04. It started off due to their physical attaction and then chatting and seeing things they had in common.
She said they "click" and she thinks she has fallen for him and that he is deeply in love with her. He is over 6' and has a nice build and blue eyes. I'm somewhat vertical challenged at 5'6" and have the same brown eyes as our boys. She used to say that she would have trouble getting intimate with me because the boys look so much like me. Oh, Doctor Freud, any comment?
I think of all those times I did things with the boys to give her a supportive break so she went out for a walk or to work out. That funny problem with the cordless phone doing those hang-ups and 1 rings due to interference signals? I was totally oblivious. I was definitely too children focused and paid the price. His office is nearby on base and must be nice and quiet fantasy world to have long chats in the evening and meet each others needs. They have secret e-mail accounts and phone ring systems. I leave very early at 6AM and work off-base about 25 miles away. Our house is a stressful real world arena where we always had to lock and block the dang door to get a moments privacy for couple time. I clearly see that I caused some factors to create the arena ripe for her A. It was her decision to actually do it though. I see my role in not meeting her EN. I am a stress bomb, was a few pounds overweight (not anymore!), fretting about leg surgery in early 1/05. Nearing retirement, just bought retirement property, saving for retirement home. I'm the saver. She is the spender. She is the over-spender more accuratelty. Tons of stress these last 6 months which she acknowledges had an influence in her decision to have the A. Oh, sadly I did violate one of those secrets/rules for a happy marriage when I would blow my cool and mention the D word. Of course she is doing the rewritye of our marriage to justify her
actions. But it is true that I would too easily press the "this aint gonna work" button. I cried wolf too many times and lost her. My standard approach to the marriage was "be nice to her and try to make her happy". But I knew nothing of the things I have read in MB website the week she was in Mexico. Hey, now I will be prepped for my next relationship at least!
Now that I look back I see all her little hints to try and reveal it to me. To her credit, she no longer wanted to be a liar and hide it from me. I guess she had a good trust in her bridge affair out of our marriage. The next day she left for a week in Cancun by herself to meet her girlfriends. 3/14-3/19. I take a week of vacation and stay with our 2 DS's. This was all previously arranged.
We were married 15 years on 11/7/04 and she had some previous A but we never tried to research what to do in the aftermath. I'm an engineer and I guess my personality never allowed me to just swallow the truth and throw in the towel? I can fix this! My parents are D and I dunno. Also my WS never wanted to D. Her life was too good! We always got near the brink of talking about D but the OM was never a long term thing and she would stop and crawl back for forgiveness and act nice for a couple years. That is how we had the 2 boys! They were made during these make-up phases with loving care and planning. I would like to remember those times as the happiest of the marriage. We were bonded then for the 9 months and are still a strong couple when it comes to the boys. She says I am an awesome father and the usual she loves me but is not in love with me. She said
she has always been looking for passion and romance. She thinks she found it now. Waiting for something better to come along?
OK, well, out of rejection and jealousy, the words flowed out of my mouth on her return from Mexico on 3/20. I honestly said I saw how I failed to meet her EN all these last few months and saw my role in the A. She was shocked and it threw her for a major loop. She thought I would say I didn't care. She is really racked with regret and remorse for what she is doing and has done. She is a nut case I guess. She has a few phonecalls that week with OM in front of me and she seems like a totally different person when talking to him. Cookoo city.
So I tried a plan A sort of and she continues her A. Did I mention I installed a keylogger program that week and was able to snoop into their e-mails? Looking into their e-mails really decreased my jealousy and sense of rejection. I could see how addicted and unreal they are. Mostly he seems to be really focused on the sex explosion that is occuring in his life. He pours on the love prose. He promises so damn much to her. Maybe he has one of those love letter software programs? Soul-mate and tons of long sentences about how they'll be with each other forever. And a few choice sexual spicy comments. He is a pro! But her responses are kind of drab in comparison. Anyway, I feel bad and uninstall the program, then reinstall/uninstall it a few times. Kind of fighting myself and invading their privacy and just throwing it all away and accepting our M is over. I got her log-on and password and go into her e-mails to see his as they pop in and read them and delete them. The in-box says in bold, 1 unread or 2 unread. If you read them then they are unbolded and she knows someone read them, so I would delete them but capture a screenshot first. Am I frickin obsessed or what? I am meanwhile reading "how to let go" type stuff. I send her an e-mail where I say that I am excited for my future without her and all this type stuff. And amazingly somehow plan A almost worked! She is confused and not sure she wants him. He is freaking in his e-mails! It is great for me! A week later
she has a kind of breakdown and sort of comes back to me. Stops taking his calls and tries to reconcile with me to come back to me. She has a big, fight with him on the phone and says how I have been supporting her and accepting her all this time and reading about how to make my marriage work. She says we have a chance and will try. This lasts for just a week as he just has too much pull on her and hunts her down and they kiss. PLUUUUUSSSSS, she found out about the keylogger program. DOLP! A major LB. And that very day I had almost uninstalled it....Oh well. She was really freaked all that week of 4/4 to 4/10. She left me a few love notes and hugged and kissed me. I think it had to do with some sadness about the boys and also about some
doubts she has about this guy really being what she wants for the long term.
My Ws and the OM are back on. She had to admit to herself that she loves him and feels I could never trust her or get over this. I think he has lied to my wife about what his wife knows. It just smells funny. OK? So, my wife and I are forced to stay together due to logistics and saving for the house and what is best for the boys. She in 1 room, me in another, 2 boys in the other. On the opposite side of a concrete wall is the OM and his family! We are here for 13 more months. I am swallowing my pride in exchange for a good deal later from my wife. I think of it like we have a gun to each other's head. She has plans to go get a degree and be a single type women, maybe with this OM in her life, maybe not (but he doesn't know!). I will retire and get the kids and build a house and keep my retirement pay. It has been our agreement for years if we did the D. She knows I will be the better educator, role model, personal example to them. We home school. She'll stay in a close proximity and see the boys per visitation schedule. I let her have her A and she gives me the boys and an uncontested D with my house.
MEEEEEEANWHILE, on the other side of the concrete wall. Supposedly the OM has told his wife about the A. But she shows no reaction and sees me in the elevator and seems perfectly normnal. Never confronts my wife. I did confront the OM and vented a bit. I was in that " if she wants him, she can have him, the heck with her" type mode. So, my WS is starting to doubt her OM and we kind of talk over coffee and bond together against him. Weird! It is kind of fun to try and turn her against him. But it is fishy and I just call it as I see it. So, just 4/16, I blew my stack and saw him drive by after letting her off out of his van when she said she was at the gym. They had agreed to be discrete in respect to this sticky situation and not flaunt things. Well, my bile bubbled over. I freaked and called the OM and said, listen, I think you're lying to my wife and that your wife doesn't know diddly. Either you tell her and do the right thing or I will. So, he did tell her supposedly and
she is leaving in a few days with their 2 daughters. So, he pledged his true love to my WW and they seem stronger than ever! BUTTTTTTTTT, just last night she admits to me she is not sure she really loves him! JUMPIN' JEHOSOPHATS! What a nut case! His story still has some fishiness. He seems to never have told her before eventhough he told my wife that he did tell her.
A nice fresh new relationship to be born from an EA/PA with doubts, half-truths and lies already cracking the foundation. He says they'll be married forever. I will not hold my breath. My Ws even gives them low chances and knows the OMW and daughters will most likely hate her forever. I feel trapped here but have to swallow feces for the next 13 months to later reap a better future. Plus, the A might die anyway. She talks on the phone in front of me to him or in earshot and sounds more balanced now. But either way, I feel we will D. I have to carefully act so as to avoid any changes to the plan. She cleans and does the laundry and is civil. She tries not to flaunt it and shows regret, respect and remorse. It is totally unreal.
