Any serial cheaters out there who have reformed? Just found out last night that WH has had his A's over the entire length of our M, says off & on. Won't tell how many, but says more than the 2ONS & one EA/PA, but 'not a lot'. Anyway, he had a lot of 'fog' talk & tried to put blame on me. Later came back & said he knows he is the problem, but not sure that he can change it or him. Says he feels like even if he changes he doesn't like that he wants me to change so much too. I am not sure I understand this at all. Help!!

Hi Molly !

There ARE for sure serial cheaters who have reformed, but I'm not sure what you want them to do based on this post ?

Its a hard time for you - your WH is lost in fog and you hurt like you never have before.

Its time to detach and do the things that are proven to work.

Its never good to make permanent decisions when temporatrily traumatised.

Try to detach from the chaos and study all the dynamics of affairs that you can. read surviving an affair, and Torn Asunder. STUDY some of the lifer's stories on these boards.

Also are you undergoing marriage counselling ?

Do not panic, do not reel from these revelations and fog. In two months you will feel better than you can ever imagine feeling right now, and you will be transformed in six months.

All blessings

Mixed-Up-Molly...

Should I call you MUM? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I was, I guess, what you'd call a serial cheater, though I think that's simplifying it a little much.

I'm concerned that your H won't come clean with you. Honesty is crucial, and really is the first step towards recovery.


He's actually on to something here... HE made the decision to cheat. That, in itself, stands alone as a devastating choice. However, here at MB, the Betrayed spouse is encouraged to take responsibility for their part in helping to create the kind of environment that made cheating an attractive option.

In otherwords, it is NOT your FAULT that he cheated, but IF you want to recover, you have to be willing to help create a new environment for your marriage. An environment that promotes and supports honesty and the meeting of each others needs.

Make sense? Any way that I can help you, please just ask.

Warmest regards,

dewt

Oh yeah, welcome to MB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I appreciate the quick responses!!

I am wondering if any serial cheaters out there can give insight as to what they went through before deciding that their M was worth saving. Anyone out there who felt that M was hopeless & then realized otherwise?

I am just having a really hard time the past two days trying to determine whether it is really worth it. I love WH so much, but with everything I keep finding out I feel like he is not the person I knew & married.

I totally agree with the honesty, I tried to encourage that last night, but we ended up in an argument w/major LB's. I feel like we haven't truly hit rock bottom yet & it is so hard to rebuild until we hit that point. It has been approx 2 1/2 months since d-day. WH claims to be in NC w/the exception of a 'slip up' about a week & a half ago. He seems to be having major withdrawl & I feel like a lot of this is fog talk, but it hurts so badly that I find myself wondering if it might be real.

We are in MC, and both see C for IC also. I have been every week by myself, WH has only been a few times. He has made some effort, says he really wants to start going more. C said he needs to be on a more regular schedule also.

C says that she is pro-marriage, I have seen some of that. But I still get vibes when she asks me if this is what I really want. Is she just trying to make me think, or is she possibly not pro-marriage? She has told us both that we need to rebuild because we have grown so far apart that we don't really know each other. WH brought this up last night, but told me it is so hard to work at rebuilding when he is not 'in love' with me & not sure he wants this R to work. I worry that he says these things to C and that she just goes with what he is saying, rather than leading him to see that his 'fog talk' is based on the withdrawl he is going through.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Hey, no problem. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Gonna have to be quick though, as I do have work coming up soon...


I always loved my W. Even when I was cheating. My goal was not to destroy my marriage, just (selfishly) have my needs met.


LOL. Like 3-4 times a day! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />


Well, only you can answer that question. I'm here at MB now as a Betrayed spouse. The pain I face daily is unimaginable and I have been in this he!! for over a year now. For me, the answer to that question is yes. It's worth it. And the harder I have to fight for my family and marriage, the more 'worth it' it becomes. Even, yes even if things don't work out the way I want them too.


This statement says a lot. I am sooooo guilty of this, so you can rest assured that this advice comes from a qualified source. You have to learn to listen to him. Save the sharing for later. Focus right now, for these conversations, on just hearing him. Make a decision before hand to NOT share anything of your own feelings... you goal, only goal (for now) is to provide safety for him should he choose to open up for him. It is tough. If I actually get it right, I'll post and let you know exactly how I did it.


As a serial cheater, I never ever experienced any withdrawal from my affair partners. I think in your case, the withdrawal is a good sign. It indicates that there are unmet emotional needs behind the affair in the first place, (which gives you a place to start) and also indicates that he has emotional needs right now that are not being met. This also gives you a place to start. You will need patience though, and a good understanding of MB principles.


Do everything you can to encourage him. Do not pressure or badger him about it. Focus on subtly rewarding him for good behaviour. You can have a lot of fun with this and (forgive me for saying this) men can be incredibly easy to manipulate. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I know that I respond very well to positive reinforcement.


Sounds like a smart cookie, this one.


Of course it's hard. Nobody ever said it would be easy. But ask him this... say that while you can certainly understand how he feels about that statement right now... how would he feel about it in, say, 3 years, after you both have done all the work and are enjoying life again together? For the sake of argument, what if you did the work, reconnected, fell in love again and were enjoying an exciting, fulfilling, satisfying marriage? Looking back, would you feel that it was all worth it?

(Dang, that was good... I gotta email that to my W)


It may be The Fog, but it is still very much what they are feeling. It might be 'a predictable, scripted wayward behavior', but it is still very much their reality. Our goal here is to change that. You have to find the balance between disregarding and respecting the statements made while in The Fog.

Take care.

dewt