I've posted here before under drainedinfl and doneinfl, but not in a month or so.
My question(s) is this. WH, who is still seeing the OW, still doesn't know if he wants to be married after 17 yrs. How long do I have to wait for him to make up his mind?

The affair began in late October, he finally admitted it to me January 1st, after missing a New Years Party at his sister's house. The whole neighborhood and their kids were there. My kids (DS, 15 and DD 14)were devastated. I, of course knew in my heart the affair was going on.

I've gone back and forth with the whole divorce/not to divorce, to both him and in my head. I don't think I want him as a husband anymore, because of the fact he can't seem to get over her and I'm afraid he will do it again. (BTW not first time having a affair I found out)He has told me on several occasions that he would end the affair, only for me to find out he hasn't.

Last time I asked him for a divorce, he made it seem that I was the bad guy because I was asking for it. I said, well, how long do I have to wait, worry and wonder??? He said he didn't know but knows he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with the girl that is 23 yrs younger than him. It's just that he doen't know if he wants to be married anymore.

He doesn't want counciling. We no longer really talk about anything other than his job or the kids. If I bring up the A, OW, the marriage, or the possible D, he says "here we go again" and leaves the house after an arguement. He wants to still see her and be with the kids, I guess.

Anyway, how long does a spouse have to wait for the other one to figure out what they want. I feel like I can not begin to work on a marriage until the OW is out of the picture.

Thanks for reading.

why in gods name are you waiting for your ws to decide YOUR LIFE. HE ISNT GOING TO CHANGE ON HIS OWN....YOU HAVE NO BOUNDRIES AND HE HAS NO CONSEQUENCES FOR HIS BEHAVIOR....WHY IN GODS NAME SHOULD HE CHANGE...HE'S GOT IT GOOD.

if your tired of living like this...then its up to you to change the dance. not him----hopefully he will follow....

Red, I think your WS knows very well what he wants. It is you that is confused. What he wants is to keep you at thome taking care of his kids and home while he plays a single man. That is what he wants and that is exactly what he is getting.

I would say you have already been waiting a very long time and will probably wait much much longer unless you do something different.

As it is now, he has no motivation to change. He can carry on his affairs and keep you on the sidelines...waiting for some magic that will never come. And who is to stop him? Why would he stop?

Ok, that's what I was leaning towards anyway. Just sometimes the optomitis' out there might have a word or two of encouragement. I just really hate to do this to my kids. They SOOOOOoooo love him!

When I asked him for a divorce again that last time, and also told him he had to leave, (when he was trying to make me out as the bad guy,) he asked that we wait until the kids got out of school. (May 18th) They are both straight A kids, my daughter who is in 8th grade has never gotten anything less and is student council president of her Middle School. His logic and I do agree with him, is not to upset them and their grades. It's only a little while longer and I feel I owe the kids that much.

They don't know about the affair, only that Mom and Dad are having problems. We are barely keeping our heads above water, financially, right now, so my next question will most likely have to do with that.

Anyone else with opinions of their own, feel free to post.

Thanks again

Red, if you can live with his adultery and disrespect, then by all means do it. Some women choose to just live with it and that is certainly your right. However, you can't really complain about him when you have volunteered for this duty. You can't be angry at him when you are the volunteer. A volunteer is not a victim. You just have to learn to with it and accept him how he is because you can't change him. See what I mean?

That's the thing Mel. I can't. I sleep maybe 2-4 hrs a night. The only way I can get to sleep is to fall asleep watching TV. Because if I just turn off the light, all my thoughts turns to him, her, and especially the kids. My every waking hrs are fills with thoughts about this torture.

My daughter has a book of original poems in her room. It is so sad. All about wanting me and him together, about Mommy not being so sad, about wishing Daddy would come home tonight in time to say goodnight, and just being so sad she could die. She's 14.

Then my son has a folder under his bed with drawings (he's quite the graphic artist) of the old house in Alabama that we left a yr ago on the 28th of May last yr. The captions say Alabama is my home, I miss Alabama, Mom (heart) Dad and Dad (heart) Mom. And the kicker, just a phrase that says "I want to be happy". (I'm crying just typing this. My heart just breaks for these kids!!)He's 15

I'd like to move back to Alabama after the kids get out of school, (I'm origianally from MI, but there is really nothing there for me and we were in AL for 11 yrs and that's what I'm more familure with and the kids have their friends there) but until the end of June there is no chance of me getting a vehicle. Plus, even though the kids would jump at the chance of moving back I'm pretty sure, I don't think they would do it if their dad were still in FL.

I've been just trying to hang in there for the kids. And because I truely need his paycheck. I'm a SAHM with no car, so no chance to get a job that works with the kids schedule. I had been hired to 3 different places, (nothing great) since October-December, but it didn't fit into HIS schedule to where I could use the car. So I never showed up.

Our bills right now exceed his paycheck. In June we are supposed to be getting a second morgage on this house that we've bought and then we can pay off some bills and get a new roof on it. We bought it not knowing that it leaks. We also are suppose to be putting another bdrm on it. Since December 29th, I have been sleeping on an air mattress in the living room and him on the couch.

Last night my son called him to see how late he was going to be getting home. He told him, a little late but probably not too late. Well, he strolled in at 9:45 after my son went to bed. All I can say is I will no longer be a "volenteer" as you put it after May 18th. Like I said before, just trying to hang in there for the kids. I'm afraid that they will fall into a deeper depression and it will affect there schoolwork if I boot him now. No point is having all of us stressing this bad yet. After school lets out and he is gone, they will have me all the time and hopefully that will comfort them. I know it will be hard on them even worse than it is now.

Anyway, just wanted to give you a little more background on my situation.

REd, what is the solution to this situation? It seems to me that you first need to get a car and a job to gain some independence here. How could you do that? Can you buy a cheap junker out of the paper?

And if you were to move to another state, how could you possibly do that since you have no car, no money and you say your kids won't go?

What I am getting at is that you will continue to be a volunteer for victimhood until you start taking action. And action has to begin with a plan.

mel--i agree. i also agree with red on the kids sitch...with school and waiting. ive been in that sitch..i understand and have seen the devastation to the kids. so what i suggest is this...you wait until they get out....but you start planning NOW!!! get a job and stop making excuses. you seem to have two very intelligent kids that dont sound as if they need a babysitter. they would be fine after school for a bit until you get home. so--find a job....find cheap transportation ans start socking away money. as far as the financial....he would be responsible for support for the kids at least...if not spousal for you also....

listen...i know where your head is at and i can counter every excuse you throw up at us....the point is do you want to remain in this situation or not...you ultimately will be the only one to make that decision....he is not gonna wake up tomorrow a different person. separating because of his behavior isnt giving up on the marriage it is standing up for it...standing up and saying and showing your children what is right and how to have healthy boundries on how they accept others treatment of them. it shows them you value what is right and are willing to do anything to save your family.

I guess the short term solution is this. I stick out this BS until May 18th. He leaves (the kids will at that time find out why, THE REAL REASON) and those two can carpool. I get the car and start to find some temp work until June. We will have to get the second mortgage and get this house fixed and then get a second car. Hopefully by then the kids will start getting used to the idea of him not being here. At that time there are a couple scenerios.

1. If the kids want to go to AL w/o Dad, I'll make those arrangements. I had a great job at a bank that I know I can get back. Find somewhere to live and hopefully the kids will adjust. Courts will decide alot of the technical stuff, I'm sure.

If that happens we can decided to either rent this place or he can live here. We can not sell the place for 2 yrs or we will lose our butts.

2. If the kids want to stay in FL, I will have to stay also, because he will not get them full time! I'll make sure of that. I will still work, and most likely stay here at the house. If I'm working we can probably keep the house. But my concern is how he will manage to help take car of the bills, me, the kids AND continue his single life. Especially since he says when he leaves he won't live with her. I don't care how HE will manage himself, only how he will make sure WE are taken care of.

I've had plenty of sleepless nights to try and figure things out. I'm thinking of emailing him @ work today and asking him to go somewhere to talk about these things, in a civil way. Maybe I can get a better idea. MAYBE, just maybe he will open up a little.

What do you think? Any other opinions are again welcome.
Have to go wash the dog. Check back later.
TIA

Thanks Nikko. Hope you have read my plan.

Red, I think you have the beginnings of a plan. If you can't sell your home for 2 years and the kids won't move, then you do have the option of asking him to move but staying in the home with the kids. You could do Plan B. You would have to get legal assistance and get support and alimony payments set up so he could continue to pay the bills until you get on your feet.

But, the first thing you must do is get a car and a job. You have no independence and no power unless you get those things.

after the job and car---get thee to an attorney and find out EXACTLY what your rights in florida are and what his respnsibilities will be. in fact do that as soon as possible....you will have way less questions then about financial stuff.

when i talked to an attorney about our sitch---the attorney aske me---does your husband have any idea what he will be paying you financially if you split...we worked through the numbers and i was amazed....way more than i ever expected...hubby was floored way later after we reconciled at the figures---and they were the state minimum!!!!

Red - a couple of things.......

First, you don't "ask" for a divorce. You get one. If this is what you want, then start the ball rolling today no matter what he says or does.

Second, tell the kids that Dad has an inappropriate relationship with another woman outside of your marriage that is very harmful to all involved. They're old enough to understand. Do NOT cover for him. The kids will find out sooner or later - may as well be sooner so it can potentially be useful to the affair's ending.

Expose the affair to anyone who could be influential in his life.

Agree 100% with WAT. Tell those kids the truth; it will probably add some sanity to their lives. Kids can deal with the TRUTH, they wander around aimlessly when forced to deal with lies.

They will know the truth, but not till after school. Then they will be like me and their mind wondering during school and such. Thanks for all of your input.

Red, do you think your children don't already know what is going on? And I am not asking that rhetorically, but sincerely. When I was a kid, I DID KNOW something was going on with my dad but since no adult would acknowledge it or condemn it, I thought I must be a very stupid girl to not see what other adults saw. Apparently, since no one SAID anything, adultery must be OK, right? To me, it seemed wrong but no one would say that, so apparently, there must be something very wrong with my instincts and I was not a very bright girl.

This weird kind of sick,dysfunctional treatment of my father's behavior caused me to have depression and develop major doubts about my intelligence and instincts. So, please don't think you are doing those kids any favors by not telling them. This pretense probably greatly adds to their anxiety and depression.

If you would tell them the truth, you would validate their instincts and allow them to deal with this and adjust. But they can't adjust as long as the truth about their lives is withheld.

I shudder when I think back of the Alice in Wonderland quality of my childhood. It is probably why I became a chronic alcoholic in my 20's. I was taught to never deal with reality, at all costs, and booze was the only way I ever found to effectively achieve such an escape.

Red...I have noticed none of the ladies mentioned Plan A , maybe Plan B. I have been waiting 7 months. I did everything I could, and sometimes said I would do anything it took to get him back home. It didn't work...he still remains on the fence. And yes when I try to get him to talk...he walks. When I bring up divorce....he throws it back at me.
Everyone hear at MB's have been open and supportive of me.
But one lesson I have learned is to save yourself a lot of time and energy. Tell him that you love him and want him back, then file for divorce. If he wants it to work, he will come home. If he doesn't then you will be off of this emotional roller coaster way faster than a lot of us who chose to wait. For me the wait wasn't worth dirt.

I am filing...he knows where to find me.