Well, I thought that it couldn't get much worse, but now I think we have hit rock bottom. WH and I had a major blow out last night, in the garage screaming lots of LB's, etc. I told him I wanted the truth, the only way that we could start to rebuild is if we get to the bottom & try to start over. WH said he agreed with this, but not sure if we will ever be able to 'reconnect' and fall in love again. He said again that he is afraid that he will do this again. I told him the only way to not do this again is to avoid putting himself in situations where he is prone to A's!!! (He spends a lot of time going out to bars by himself, and as far as I know all the A's have been women he met in bars). WH says that he is 'comfortable' w/the people in the bars, says that he is happier there than at home. I told him this is a bunch of [email]cr@p[/email], that he is just trying to escape reality. Our MC agrees with this, says that he seems to be hiding from something, just not sure what.

We went on to agree that we have let each other's EN's go for so long. WH says that he feels like he wants to 'change' me. Says that the stuff he told me over the past few weeks about not being attractive enough was not anything, that he has always been happy w/my appearance. Says that in the past that some times have been better than others. Told me that he was completely faithful while I was pregnant & that was the happiest time in his life, the best times we have had together. (not sure I believe this either because he was still going out w/out me while I was pregnant.)

WH then said that when I LB that it pushes him further away. I know that this is true, but it is so hard. He does not want to see any of my anger or hurt, but I feel like he should see this as part of the consequences.

How can I get past this hurt & anger to do a successful Plan A? I am not even sure if Plan A will work at this point. WH has spoken w/the OW in the past two weeks, a little 'slip up' if you will. I have tried explaining the withdrawl & that it will not start to improve until there is NC. I feel like he is still evaluating our marriage based on the feelings he had w/her. I feel like I am being compared to her constantly.

Have you tried to implement a plan A?

I am sorry for your situation. And your right as long as he continues to visit bars by himself he will be tempted to cheat.

Would ALANON be appropriate for you? They help you try and focus on yourself and get strong. Sometimes when a spouse sees you get extra strong and independent they begin to make some needed changes.

Have you read Tough Love by James Dobson? I am definitely not saying to do this at this point, but if you gave him an ultimatium; he stops going to bars and leaving you at home alone and if he is not willing to that he leaves until he is willing to do that - what do you think he would do?

Hi, I never heard back from you. So, I just wanted to check in on how you were doing.

Take Care,
Stormy

Stormy,

Doing ok today. Have a call in to my family dr to get AD's & something for anxiety because I am finally going crazy!

Anyway, today I left a copy of Trueheart's letter to WS's for my WH to read. I have decided that he needs to make up his mind, either he makes 100% effort at our M, or he needs to move out & 'find himself'. I cannot sit around & wait for him to do something anymore, all the while driving me out of my mind. I have made a few more posts under my 'withdrawl stinks' post, copied this one there too. It just seemed more appropriate, the whole situation STINKS! I hate that as a BS I am the one making all of the effort, and he is not making any! I am not sure if he is just still in withdrawl, or if he is really talking from his heart. I don't think he knows at this point.

I have laid out my boundaries: No Contact, No more bars, and go to counseling, both IC & MC. I don't think I am asking too much at this point. If he cannot do those things, I cannot keep hanging on. We'll see what happens next. Thanks for the support!

"I have laid out my boundaries: No Contact, No more bars, and go to counseling, both IC & MC." That is awesome! You are very strong!

" I don't think I am asking too much at this point. " Your not. Your request are good. I am glad you put no more bars. If he will stop going to the bars it will help protect your marriage. You set good boundaries. I think for most people it is great to start off with both IC & MC, but for right now ,in my situation, we are just doing IC to start with. We are both working on ourselfs for about 6 months (depending on how things are going). Then we are going to regroup and add marriage counseling.

How to get stronger ... USE powerful words !


Why not beat him to it and make up YOUR mind ?

More to come....


I WILL NOT wait around for him, I WILL take action


What are you CERTAIN about ?

Make a list !


real boundaries are enforcible, not a wish list


You need to BE CERTAIN ... "I don't think" is way too weak.


If he will not do these things .... stronger !


I WILL NOT keep hanging on


I will determine what happends to me !

Here's something I did to make myself stronger.

I was writing a list which went more or less like this:

I don't want a man who cheats.

There were a dozen items on my list. I read it aloud to myself and recognized my weaknesses, so I re-wrote it starting every sentence with:

I am certain that ....

And I felt empowered and ready to do what I knew I was certain needed to be done.

I am certain I will not remain married to a husband who goes to bars to socialize.

See, THIS is what a real boundary sounds like !

Good luck.

strengthen yourself

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />