Two weeks ago I had a melt down...threatened to hurt myself.
I was at the edge...I had to do something...anything to get my WH to stop and talk to me about the direction we were going.
Guess he had decided to file for a D on his own, just hadn't told me about it yet. So that comes out. Also comes out that he has "run into" the OW a handful of times. He says that our difficulties have nothing to do with OW. That they are just friends. When I asked him if she new about me and the DD's...he says "I don't know what she knows"...when I ask if the OW is involved he says he doesn't know. I asked him if he was in love with her he said "no", I asked him if they had had sex and he said "no". I asked if I should call her and find out. He says "that wouldn't be appropriate". He did admit that their relationship was probably "inappropriate"...he likes that word, uses it with the DD'a all the time. I told him during MC that the only way I could get through this was for me to never see him again. For him to file and get it over with.

Next few days are touchy....I am expecting that he will be filing for a D soon. I call him and ask him one last time to reconsider and to think about the outcome. He said he would think about it. No more discussion.

Last week still no talk but things seem to be that maybe he is thinking about it. Found out Thursday his "running into" OW had been intiated by him through phone calls. So I don't know how many times they have been together or what and where they have gone. He has lied about the calls I am certain he has lied about more. That evening he was at our home and said he had been "thinking" about moving back home. When DD told him she missed him and wanted him to come back home he told her we were talking about it. He was all cuddlely and nice to me. He stayed over but I told him that I didn't want him to feel like he had to have SF because I know he feels guilty afterwords since he has lost those feelings for me. He was over this weekend to help with yardwork...i didn't ask him to. He was sullen and ornery the whole time, acting as if it was my fault that we had trees that have leaves that fall. Afterwards we are planning on going swimming with DD's. I ask him if he would like to come back with us for dinner and movie. He says " I don't know" again in a very irritated way. I ask him what wrong and he says "I am tired" Anyhow once we go swimming he is all happy and having a great time...no longer "tired" I am thinking maybe he checked his cell and had received a call from OW. I rub his feet in the hot tub, kiss him and tell him the I love him. Afterwards he does come home with us, helps me make dinner. Then after dinner tell the girls that he and I are going to a store to run an errand. Kind of invites me to go shopping with him Mind you he and I have not been out in public together alone for 5 months. I am thinking this is a break through. Again at the store he pats me on the behind and talks to me about golf (which is where he met OW). He ends up staying over. I ask him if he has been intimate with anyone other than me. He says "NO", I ask him to promise me that he will never let another woman touch him...his reply is " No one has yet" I said "NO you have to promise me" He says "It aint going to happen" I said "WHAT...you won't promise me" He says "NO, noone has" again not really a promise but something I guess. I have yet to tell him that I know about the phone calls, and I am not sure when the last one was. He has told a friend that the OW has her own thing going on. Whatever that means.

Anyhow...what do I do....I haven't talk to him much in the past two days. Do I wait for him to bring it up about moving back home? Do I forget that I know about the phone calls? He will have to pay rent in 11 days. Do I just wait and see what he does? I did tell him that if he came back home he had to be willing to work on some things and that his relationship with OW had to end. I am just don't know how to get the trust back. His actions up until now are not those of a man to be trusted. Do I get him back home and see if things change?

I am not sure what advice to give you. It sounds like you are trying to meet his needs and you have let him know that you expect NC. Those are good starts.

Are you two in MC and/or IC? If not, try to get into counseling.

Sorry, I do not have more advice.

I am completely unable to give advice today. All I can give is hugs (((((((homer))))))))))

Homer....I've taken the liberty to move this response on my thread back to one of yours. Not that I mind the threadjack, just to put some of it in context for others to see too.

I've not read all of your threads nor do I know your history, other than your husband moved out last fall and is in an affair with another that continues.

First off, you cannot expect anything out of plan A except that which you have control of...thad be you. Expecting MC to have a positive effect, expecting the rutting alien to tell you the truth about him and OW, expecting him to pick you over his mistress is futile futile futile!

Go back to some of ARK's posts on plan A. Your tactics do not fit within the parameters.

Now you want to throw in the towel because he won't commit to NC and continues his poor behavior. OK, but don't make such a permanent decision in the wake of your own frustrations and emotions. If there wasn't a plan B, plan A would simply be called "The Plan". If, as I think I can safely assume, you want to save the marriage, why would you not try the Plan B. What do you have to lose....your marriage?! You seem to want to walk that road anyways!

Write the letter....you should have had one ready to go already. See a lawyer and find out what's in store if this does go to a D and what you can do to secure your finances. Prepare......but hope. People do really stupid things when emotional and end up regretting them for a long time afterwards. Stop the drama and let go of WH.

Don't let him rake your leaves so he can still feel like he's contributing to the family while he sleeps with another when he's away.

Don't answer his calls.

Don't call him.

Give the letter and stop this.

And yes…if there is any legal way to prevent your children from being exposed to the HW….do it! Children should not be exposed to that filth.

JCmH,

Read your thread again...... the WS says he doesn't know what the OW knows about much of anything, yet he is willing to stress you out and risk losing his family for a definite maybe? Also he may have shed his clothes with a stranger?

Ok, here's my take:

1. Hit him from the angle of: WS, u r willing to stress me out, lose our family and your clothes for the stranger? Didn't your mama teach you NOT to speak to strangers much less leave your family for one and lose your clothes for another?

2. No more demanding he promise anything. He can't. He is a WS. Just that alone makes it impossible for him t/b an H or a good father. He c/b an abusive H and father. Don't over look that he is already doing so.

3. Binder is correct. Stop asking him t/d things. Don't make demands.

4. Work on your plan A and plan your plan B.

5. Secure your personal support group around you.

6. Identify your boundaries.

7. Implement them.

8. Figure out your exposure plan.

9. Read Surviving an Affair, His needs/Her needs and Love must be tough. 1st 2 are by Dr. W. Harley and the 3rd is by Dr James Dobson.

10. Get with a good MC or give Steve Harley @ MB a call t/d some phone counseling. For you right now who knows if the Ws will be able to sit through 1 session. LOL!!

L.