Hello everyone,
I've new to the forum so all these accronyms are still slowing me down, but not for long. A little about me. I have dated my wife since I was a senior in High School we married 3 years later when were still in college. We've been married five years this last Feb and have had three wonderful boys together, 2,3,4 years old.

Our marriage has been difficult for a long long time for several reasons. It was very important to us that our boys not go into day care as we were going through college. She went to school first during the days while I worked nights and then the rolls reversed when she graduated. So after our first was born, we almost never saw each other. When I was in school I was struggling because I had to take care of my family at night while my wife worked. Where I was going to school, the town was not very prosperous and my wife could not find a good job with her Physics degree. At one point see was working three jobs which is super commendable, but horrible for our marriage. I cracked under this stress and eventually dropped out.

Another ingredient in this was my choice of recreation to deal with all of this. I like to go 4-wheeling and my wife hates it. She trys to go along, but it usually ends in a fight because it scares her, or it was too rough or I wasn't watching the boys when we stop to take a break etc.

Were were driving home from one of our 4x4 trips and I only had my son with me and two deer crossed the road right in front of me. Long story short, I rolled the vehicle and my son and I walked away.

All of this stuff, lack of time spent together, being very poor and these series of failures that my wife pins on me hae led my marriage to where it is today where my wife wants a divorse.

At least that is my perspective. My wife feels like I have done everything possible to hurt her. She feels like those things really are not the reasons. She believes that if we were really meant for one another, then we could have made i through all this stuff which has been going on for five years.

I have been just as hurt and damaged by all of this and I blame those circumstances mostsly and my wife blames me. I'm tired of being hurt and I'm about ready to give up. What am I fighting for anymore. She'll quickly tell me I'm not doing anything, just talking.

The only other issue I didn't bring up was pornography. I have dealt with that since an early age and really tackled it about two years ago where Iv'e been clean ever since. That day really was a new beggining for me in so many ways with our marriage. Everything seems like it was too little too late.

What do i do? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Do I keep tryin to save it, which in the back of my mind I really want to do, but now I'm just so emotionally exhasted. I'm just fatiqued. I want this for my kids and I want this because I love my wife.

First, good for you for getting rid of the porn. Some people may not think it's a big deal but I personally feel it's crushing to the other spouse's self esteem. My XH used to view some really bad stuff. He wasn't willing to give it up, though.

Second, I would encourage you to not give up. As a recently DV person, I am really struggling with things. Divorce is the very last resort--in fact I am of a belief that it really just shouldn't be an option 99% of the time. It brings an incredible amount of pain that really has no closure, because the spouse is still living and because you have children together, you'll always be connected in a way. And those children need both of you--if you love your wife, do everything in your power to try and preserve the marriage.

You married young, and you had kids young. I did that, too, and it can make thing a little more difficult. And then you are starting to mature, and you may find that you are going separate ways. Your job situation, though necessary, did you no good either.

My advice isn't worth a lot because I didn't save my marriage, but here's what I'd do.

First, I'd get a copy of Dr. Willard Harley's book "His Needs; Her Needs".

Is your wife willing to seek counseling? I am not big on counselors, even so-called marriage counselors, for the most part. They're too quick to say "dysfunctional marriage" and recommend DV. Not knowing your beliefs, I don't know if you'd be comfortable with a Christian marriage counselor, but if you are, that's what I'd recommend. They would most likely be more pro-marriage.

There's also a decent, though old, book called "Love Life for Every Married Couple" by Ed Wheat. You might find it in your library. It's not exactly MB concepts, but has a lot about improving relationships and even about saving your marriage alone.

One other thing might be to check out some of the other boards on here if you haven't already. I didn't sense anything about infidelity in your situation right now (be thankful for that, because you have a better chance of success if she's not involved with someone else). But the GQII board might have some good ideas. Even without infidelity, I think a lot of the Plan A concepts used in that situation might be helpful to you as well (you can also find them on the MB website).

From the little I know, it sounds like some way or other, if you really want a chance with your wife, you're going to have to find a way to devote more time to her. Stop blaming circumstances (even if that is the reason for the problems). Instead, concentrate on what you can change to make it better.

But don't give up until you've exhausted every possible option to save your marriage.

(((Fatherof3)))

Welcome! Glad that you are here. If you choose to use it, there are many tools here and much experience here that can help you with yourself and your marriage.

The first thing I encourage you to do is focus on YOUR actions, not your perceived reactions. Though your post you did a very good job of placing blame in many places rather than just take responsibility for your actions.

It appears that you’ve made quite a few choices that has led your wife to become resentful. Education was obviously important to her to the extent that she was willing to work 3 jobs to give you the opportunity and you dropped out. I’m willing to bet that family time is also very important to her, yet you choose a hobby that is not only dangerous but it’s one that she has no interest in participating. Hell you said yourself that spending time together was important, so wouldn’t it make sense to pick recreational activities that you two can do together?

So take a look at things through her eyes for a minute. Early in the marriage YOU choose porn. Then YOU choose to drop out of school while she was working to give you that opportunity. Then YOU choose 4-wheeling over spending quality time with her doing an activity that you both can enjoy and participate in together. I’m guessing that she’s tired of being 2nd best.

So where do you go from here is the question? You say that you wish to save this marriage, so make a plan to do it. Read all the information on this site, read His Needs/Her Needs, start working a flawless “Plan A”, complete and have your wife complete Recreational Activities Survey on this site so you can find things to do together, remove all love busters from your daily life, take the emotional needs survey and meet her top five consistently, delete all disrespectful judgments from your vocabulary. But most of all, take the time to look at the situation through her eyes, the view may be enlightening.

Hugz, Thoughts, & Prayerz

Thank you all for your thought out replies. You have seen a lot into our marriage which has taken me a long time to understand. 3-4 months ago my wife and I filled out the needs surveys and we figured out what our needs were and we spend a lot of time on recreation. At the risk of being defensive, our schedules just do not permit ANY time to do anything together. Right now, I work 8-5 M-F and she woorks 3-2AM F-M. So on weekends, she gets out of bed around 11-12 and has the leave for work in 3 hours. We basically have three nights, 5-bed time where we have time together. Which eliminates most normal recreational activities. This has led both of us to do things apart.

For about a month, I put my 4x4s aside and spend as much time as I could with her and the family doing things that accomodated her, like walks at the park, shopping or taking an afternoon drive. All things she likes doing. Then at the end of that month, she drops divorse in my lap.

I know a month isn't going to heal what took five years to destroy. It's like I said, I'm exhasted and I need a second wind right now. I have read all of the articles on this site twice and have been studying them. I just needed to come on here now for that little added support. I'm not the type of guy to talk about this with anyone. I don't really trust anyone with the knowledge of what I'm going through.

There is an opportunity that I want to capitalize on. That is she got a decent promotion at her job which will put her working days instead of nights. She'll still be working weekends, but it will mean we get every night together. I have been praying for some kind of change in our lives like this and I plan on taking full advantage of it.

This last two months have been very odd. We have always communicated poorly. A lot of arguing and shouting. I'd say that happened a lot. Since wanting a divorse, we have been very peaceful together. It's been bittersweet. So my goals now are to better myself to make her fall in love with me again and do things that show her I value her more and recreate more with her. We haven't been to the movies together once since we had kids. We used to go almost every weekend. We need to return back to that place.

I appreciate you opening my eyes to those things that I ultimately chose to do. I have never looked at those situations and really taken responsibility for those choices. Much of our relationship has been a situation where my wife has a problem with a behavior of mine and then I try to fix it. It just never seems to end and at some point I started to wonder if I'm really as bad as she says I am. Later on to cope really, I have started to think she is over reacting and wrong. How do I deal with that? There are many thigns she says and does to hurt me. I know I can't change her, but how do I get that accross to here? Or, is this a matter of me really being a bum and when I fix these problems, she'll come around? It's soo confusing.

“””we figured out what our needs were and we spend a lot of time on recreation.”””

Would you care to share what her and your top 5 are in order.

“””At the risk of being defensive, our schedules just do not permit ANY time to do anything together.”””

That’s not being defensive at all, but keep in mind that they are the schedules you two chose with full knowledge of what implications it would have on your time together. For a while my X and I worked some odd hours and it made life hell, but just like y’all, those were the choices we made. However, I do hope she gets that promotion to bring a little normalcy into y’alls lives. But not all “recreation” time has to be on the weekends. When was the last time you took her out on a “hump-day” date? If you’ve read this site, then you know that it’s recommended that you two have 15 hours of together time a week, how much are you spending now? Don’t leave all the planning up to her, be creative. Heck she get’s off at two, when was the last time you rented a moved, had the popcorn ready, and were sitting on the couch for cuddle time when she got home? Or why not have a big ole’ home cooked breakfast ready for her.

“””For about a month, I put my 4x4s aside and spend as much time as I could with her and the family doing things that accommodated her…………... All things she likes doing.”””

I’m going to make a couple of suggestions and they may be way off base. First off, I hardly see “family” time as “accommodating”, but secondly you sound a bit resentful about doing ALL THE THINGS SHE LIKES DOING…. And rightly so…. When y’all took the emotional needs survey did you do the Recreational Survey? There are tons of things on there to do and you may be surprised at what you both are interested in. It becomes a win-win situation without having to accommodate. How are y’alls finances? Have you sunk a lot of cash in the 4x thing? I mean if she’s been complaining about a kitchen floor and your saying we can’t afford it as you pouring $300 a weekend into YOUR hobby, then she’ll have even more resentments.

“””We have always communicated poorly. A lot of arguing and shouting. I'd say that happened a lot.”””

If that starts to happen again, STOP IT. DO NOT ARGUE…….PERIOD. DO NOT YELL……PERIOD…. If you’re like I was, when you get into those heated talks, you say mean things you don’t mean but once a word leaves your lips you can never take it back. Choose your words carefully.

“””Since wanting a divorce, we have been very peaceful together.”””

That’s pretty common. It really sounds like you are in a good place start courting your wife. Don’t go overboard now but look at what you really want and get it.

“””do things that show her I value her more and recreate more with her.”””

That’s great and one place to start is by ensuring that you don’t do anything that will lessen what your trying to show. The 4x would probably be best taking the rest of the year off. How far are you from completing your education? Any possibility of taking an online class or two?

“””We haven't been to the movies together once since we had kids. We used to go almost every weekend. We need to return back to that place.”””

GET ‘ER DONE……….

”””I have started to think she is over reacting and wrong. How do I deal with that?”””

These things were important enough for her to want a divorce, so how is that over reacting? Her emotions and feeling are not wrong, they are hers and they are valid, just like yours are valid for you. A deal-breaker for her may just be a speed bump or an irritation for you.

“””There are many things she says and does to hurt me. I know I can't change her, but how do I get that across to her?”””

A couple of ways. First and most important, take the necessary actions to improve yourself. People don’t do those hurtful things when they are having all there needs met and the relationship is going well. Second and after you’ve worked on yourself, work on communication skills. Learn how to talk to her about these things with being disrespectful. Being rude and disrespectful is like a bad flu, it spreads when it comes in contact with others. You become healthy and that spreads as well.

“””Or, is this a matter of me really being a bum and when I fix these problems, she'll come around?”””

If by being a bum, you mean to work hard on yourself at becoming a better communicator, friend, and husband to your wife, then yes. The issues that you’ve brought to the table here are not petty, they are relationship skill issues. Even if this deal don’t work out, they are going to resurface in your next relationship until you work on yourself. Marriage is the hardest thing that no schools prepare you for. You have to be pro-active, rather than reactive. Tommorow is Friday night, do you have a 2am date, if so, what are you going to do?