Within the last week I found out that my wife of 8 years has been unfaithful. Backround: My wifes childhood friend moved back to town about a year ago after his divorce, he has waited to contact my wife until a few weeks ago. Well not thinking anything of it I/we had him over about 3 weeks ago for a visit. turns out a week later while i was out of town for two days he was over and one thing led to another. When i came back to town my wife told me that I dont make her feel lusted after, and she was unhappy. I started looking online for answers i found this site and WOW i got some great information. I told her about all the stuff I read on this site and that i was willing to do whatever it takes to get our love and our life back. (I still didnt know about their weekend fling) well it turns out my eagerness to fix our relationship made her realize that i really do love her and that i wanted this to work. within the next few days she told her friend that they could not persue a relationship any more and that they could only be friends and that i was to never find out what happened. Well in her haste to end this fling with him i caught her in a lie about where she was going one night(She went to his house to end it)when she got home and i confronted her she told me everything, she said she really did want to work it out with me and she ended it with him with the hopes of never telling me what happened so we could start all over. to make a long story short we are working through our problems and it seems to be going very well(as well as can be expected). the problem that comes into play is that this guy wants to still be friends with my wife (and me too i think) the last time she talked to him she left her cell phone on speaker phone so i could listen in and he really sounds like he is okay with the realationship ending and wants to be just friends. the thing is how can i allow thisa to happen i dont think that i can have this guy in my house after knowing what he did but i dont want to tell my wife she cant be friends with her childhood friend. the question is should i let them and possibily me be friends? Is that to dangerous? Do you think she would be tempted to go back to him at the first sign of trouble with us? I am confused the two of them admited (with me secretly on the other line)that they both would not have done this if they knew i would stop them from being friends. Please Help Me!!!!!

Welcome to MarriageBuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances.

Your situation sounds rather promising, but of course your wife and he cannot be friends anymore, or have any contact at all. They are thinking like the typical WS's - that this can all be forgotten, and things return to normal. When they crossed the line, they forfeited the chance to be friends ever again.

You might want to post on general questions, as there is more traffic there. Also see if your wife would care to post. There are a lot of women here who could help her.

Hang in there, often marriages get better after a shock like this. Stick with us, and we will help you.

BBH,

You have come to the right place for advice.

I think that your situation is well covered in the posts and articles on "no contact" letters. Continued contact between the 2 of them is going to make it very hard for you and your W to rebuild your M.

I know for myself I could not associate with the OM in any way shape or form.

Vaya con dios,
KTU 136

BBH,

No, it’s definitely NOT possible for your W and the OM to stay friends and yes, it WILL be risky! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Once the boundaries from platonic love into romantic love has been crossed, there is NO turning back… Most A’s happen to people who originally have good intentions and think they will be able to stay “just good friends”. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Your W and OM need to have NO CONTACT with each other out of respect for you, themselves and your M. Your W need to stop ALL contact with OM, go through withdrawal and then start recovery with you… (My withdrawal thread is somewhere on the 1st page on the index). You W won’t be able to heal if she carries on contact with OM and you will also not be able to heal if you still allow the OM in your house and allow him and your W to continue contact with each other.

Suzet

There is a reason Shirly Glass named her book Not Just Friends once that barried has been crossed...THAT'S IT!!!!

No more friends with that "man" (I use the term loosely...yes I was "him" once (NOT ANYMORE), so I KNOW what "he" is like)

If you want to save your marriage...END IT with HIM...PERMANENTLY! It sounds like you and WW are on a good road to recovery...don't let this "Third Wheel" ruin what you are working toward.

My very best to you and your WW...

WNB

huey,

Add my response to the rest. I agreed to my wife remaining friends with OM so she would agree to stay married. Long story short, it doesn't work. The continued contact just keeps the A going.

Break all contact with OM either by your W or you. There ABSOLUTELY no reason you should vecome or remain friends with this man. Forgive...eventually yes. Habe a beer and watch the game.....no.

God Bless,

Doug

I'd say something like: I don't even want to think about what happens to him long term. I'm very hurt and I need to feel secure in your fidelity to be able to focus on moving forward. So if you can commit to no contact with him for the next 6 months, we can talk about it at the end of that if you like.

Or you could take a hard line and say: Let me get this straight..... you want me to be friends with the guy who banged my wife? You want to remain friends with a guy with whom you cheated? I can't sign up for that.